Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister won't come to see me & new baby

166 replies

nyark · 11/07/2017 18:26

My sister and I live very far from other family (several plane rides and time zones away). I'm pregnant with my first, and despite me inviting my DSis to visit to visit/help with our newborn, she has cried off and said she will visit during her DC summer holiday when the baby is older (which, of course, will mean I will not be in need of as much help from her at that time!)

She is a single mum, split from her husband (I think that she cheated on him although she denies this, tbf I do not know the details as I did not want to get involved). I thought that after the pain of the split and breaking up her family, she would want to be involved in a happy event like the birth of her first niece/nephew. AIBU to be upset about this? I went to stay with her for two weeks when her first was born several years ago!

I have been trying to involve her in the pregnancy, texting to ask her advice etc. but all I get is breezy replies and best wishes. No real conversation or support. It's really getting me down. I feel alone, so far from family.

Because she is split from her ex, she uses the excuse that she can't visit for more than a few days because her parenting arrangement doesn't allow for her to travel for more than that with the DC. Surely this is something she should be able to negotiate with her ex? He is a good guy and tbh, probably too good for my DSis but that's another thread Sad DH and I have contacted her ex separately as well and invited him to bring the DC to see us. He hasn't set a date to visit but seems more keen. Also, she is of the opinion that she can't take DC out of school to visit us. Surely this is more important, especially with her being my only family here? DC are reception/primary age so it's not like they're writing GCSEs.

Aibu to feel let down and out in the cold? Sad

OP posts:
Foniks · 11/07/2017 18:37

Wait... you invited her ex, are more loyal to him than her, expect her to just do a days worth of driving to come and help with your DC despite her having her own DC, saying it doesn't matter about her DC being in school because they aren't doing GCSE, and you're wondering why she isn't keen?
You're so funny op.

If I was her, I'd keep my distance too! Probably move to 2 days drive away.

Whatsername17 · 11/07/2017 18:37

Your sister has her own kids. That makes a massive difference. She can't just drop everything to come and help you because she has her own responsibilities. She isn't being spiteful, just busy. You and your dh will cope together. With my 2nd dd we limited visitors in the first few weeks so that we could have some time as a little family of 4. It was blissful.

Saiman · 11/07/2017 18:38

Yabu. She want her to come and help?

Thats not her job. Do you have a partner?

Tbh, no i wouldnt bring my kids (make them miss seeing their dad) to babysit for you.

You dont even know why her and her husband split and it appears you like him more than her.

MagicMoneyTree · 11/07/2017 18:38

I read your op and heard "take take take" - you left her to it when she split with her ex and now she's a single mum, you expect her to drop everything and help you? Yeah right!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 11/07/2017 18:38

Um, given the way you describe her, I'm not shocked that she's not exactly doing cartwheels to come see you.

Even despite that, YABU. Her reasons are perfectly valid.

Squirmy65ghyg · 11/07/2017 18:39

You sound very very selfish.

SharkSkinThing · 11/07/2017 18:39

Oh dear. Yes. You really, really are. But I imagine you won't be told.

Moanyoldcow · 11/07/2017 18:39

Why on earth is coming to help you look after YOUR new baby such a wonderful thing? She has her own children to look after as a single parent.

Your post conveys nothing but contempt for your sister. If you were mine I'd not be eager to come either.

JennyLane · 11/07/2017 18:39

Yes YABU. I'm sorry but expecting a single parent to take two weeks out of her life and to take her children out of school to see a new cousin is ridiculous. The summer holidays are less than 4 weeks away and she has offered to come and stay then. She will be fined for taking her children out of school.
Yes, you went to stay with her when her children were born and that was very kind of you, but you didn't have children and didn't have to uproot anyone's life but your own to do it. Maybe she found it overwhelming having someone around constantly in the newborn days and is actually doing you a favour.
The first weeks with a newborn are special. Save it for you and your husband. And cut your sister some slack, your post screams judgemental

TheWildOnes · 11/07/2017 18:39

Op it sounds like you think the birth of your child should be more important to your dsis than her children.

BoredOnMatLeave · 11/07/2017 18:39

Confused Sorry OP but you having a baby is not more important than her own children's education. I don't really understand this whole needing her help with a newborn. Will your DH not be there? Newborns aren't actually that difficult they sleep and feed 95% of the time.

user1499333856 · 11/07/2017 18:39

Christ, I'm glad I don't have a sister like you. Self absorbed and disloyal. How dare you contact her EX! How dare you in one breath say you know nothing of her breakup and in the next demand from her. You haven't been there for her, why do you think it's acceptable to take?

TeachesOfPeaches · 11/07/2017 18:41

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVU and incredibly arrogant.

Fairylea · 11/07/2017 18:42

Wow Shock can only agree with the other replies.

Not everyone likes newborns anyway. Personally I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than spend time looking after one- I've had two of my own and I'll be damned if I look after anyone else's!

Sorry but I think you are massively entitled and horrendously judgey about your sisters marriage / relationship.

Mumzypopz · 11/07/2017 18:42

I presume you visited her when you had no children yourself? She is a single mum and you expect her to take several plane journeys to help you out? Where is your husband or partner in all this? Do you really need help? Most people seem to manage?

Zucker · 11/07/2017 18:42

Is this a thing in your family? Did you drop everything when your sister had her children to help her out?

bimbobaggins · 11/07/2017 18:43

She's probably on mn and has read multiple threads about people not wanting visitors after having a baby. No , actually that only applies to the inlaws!

BishopBrennansArse · 11/07/2017 18:43

Ah well.
You're reaping what you've sown.

NellieFiveBellies · 11/07/2017 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyzumarubble · 11/07/2017 18:44

What's your sister supposed to do with her kids?

Did you visit her to help with hers?

MrsEricBana · 11/07/2017 18:44

Yes sorry but yabvu. She's a single parent with school age kids (and presumably a job) OF COURSE she can't drop everything, drive for a day either end and stay with you for two weeks when you have your baby. You'll just have to get on with it like almost everybody else does. You have been pretty unkind about her too, so why do you actually want her to visit anyway?

viques · 11/07/2017 18:45

She has said she will visit when it is her children's summer holidays. Which is when she, and her children will be free. Otherwise her children have to miss school, miss end of term activities, miss new teacher visits, miss possibly saying goodbye to friends or teachers who are moving on. it means their teachers will have to sort out their books, art work, project folders etc to take home . In addition if they come to you before the school term finishes that means that their summer break is longer than it should be which is not really a good idea. the end of the school year is actually quite a big deal.

you will be a bit more human and up for company when the baby is a few weeks old, for the first couple of weeks you can sit on the sofa, eat crap and watch boxed sets. When she comes later you will feel more up to going out with the baby for walks etc and she and the children can come with you , which will actually be very supportive. She will be able to mind the baby while you have a nap or a shower as you start to Venture into the world again.

pointythings · 11/07/2017 18:47

If I were your sis I wouldn't come during the summer holidays either. Sounds like you just want someone to do your skivvying for you. You don't like her, you don't respect her, all you do is want her to do your bidding. I hope she runs a mile in the opposite direction.

Oldbutstillgotit · 11/07/2017 18:47

Does your DH not have Paternity Leave to help ?

Missrubyring · 11/07/2017 18:48

I can't help but hope that this is a reverse, but as we've seen on mn recently, there really are people this entitled.
If it's not a reverse then OP I really think you should have some empathy, she's a single parent with no family near her apart from you, you haven't really supported her through the breakdown of her marriage, and you expect her to pull her children out of school (even going behind her back to her exh) to come and help you with your newborn.
Sorry OP i think YABU, I'm kind of feeling sorry for your Dsis here.