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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your help finding DH a job/working out what he can do

128 replies

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 11/07/2017 00:10

DH has been out of work for a very long time (originally signed off sick but now just unemployed) he does not want to go back to bar work or shop work, which are all he has ever done.

He has a handful of GCSEs. For about the 7 millionth time we have discussed him going back to work, or rather this time having just found out he's not applied for a couple of jobs his friend found for him (or indeed any jobs for at least 6 months) I have snapped and told him to get a fucking job or get out (I've been happy to support him when i thought he was applying and just not getting anywhere but now i know he's not even trying im pretty pissed off) I've said I will help him look but to be honest I'm a bit stuck on what to suggest.

So what jobs can people suggest?

I earn just enough by the way that we don't qualify for any benefits and childcare isn't an issue so any money he brings in is a bonus, I'm just sick of his excuses. Also i've said he has 1 month before not wanting to do bar work or shop work is tough shit, I don't want him to be miserable and I know job hunting sucks but I'm fed up of struggling to make ends meet when hes not even trying!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 12/07/2017 08:04

Who owns the house? I would be separating-I don't think I couldn't live like that with someone.

Mary1935 · 12/07/2017 08:04

Have you looked at your entitlement for tax credits at all? By going to sign on he would have access to courses and training. He would also get his national insurance paid which would then provide him a state pension in the future - I think you need 30 years of NI contributions to qualify for a full pension. You will be subsidising him in old age too if your not careful. Re career options - what about a breakdown recovery job - AA Green flag RAC - I broke down last week & the man who came was not a mechanic - he was in his late 50s and was previously working as a Tesco delivery driver. Or train to be a Gas Safety engineer - all these suggestions from others - what's coming from HIM - maybe he's lost confidence - why doesn't he do some voluntary work in something he fancies - when he gets a job I'd be tempted to take 7 years off!!!!!!

SabineUndine · 12/07/2017 08:08

An apprenticeship. There are loads for adults these days. www.apprenticeshipguide.co.uk/adult-apprenticeships/

Weedsnseeds1 · 12/07/2017 08:12

Oil rig worker? Tuna fisherman?

MrsDoylesTeabags · 12/07/2017 08:39

I've got that sing in my head...
He does nothing the boy does nothing.
I don't think it's a case of suggesting suitable roles, he doesn't want to work and be doesn't have to. You're going to get tough and stop giving him an easy life

junebirthdaygirl · 12/07/2017 08:45

In lreland so may be different. There is a huge shortage of male carers here. Course is one year. Pay isnt too bad.
Even if ye dont need money he needs to work. Dc model what they see and he is in danger of passing bad habits to your dc.
When my ds was 18 he dropped out of a college course and had no job. I was worried he would end up not working. A friend said he comes from generations of people who worked he will work. ( and he does now) so your dh is in danger of making the oppposite true for your dc.

Original poster
GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 12/07/2017 14:12

Grin Air steward sounds perfect to me

OP posts:
Original poster
GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 12/07/2017 14:32

Missed a whole chunk of replies out there, sorry. The house is housing association. Only thing we get is normal child benefit, if he worked we should then get working tax credits as that has to be 24 hours a week if you are a couple, I in theory do 22.5. (I work with children, I have never yet actually left work when I'm meant to finish)

OP posts:
TrollMummy · 12/07/2017 14:48

YY to PPs who said about the example he is setting your DCs. This would be a major issue for me. He is saying it's ok to lay around all day and play computer games and do nothing around the house. This is their role model for what men/ husbands/ partners do in life. Added this they will have zero respect for him as they get older.

mummymeister · 12/07/2017 15:54

are you going to take any of the suggestions on board or is the lazy ass man in your life going to be doing nothing for the next 35 years.

you keep answering the easy questions OP, like who owns the house, but not the difficult ones like what are you going to do?

if you keep avoiding them they wont go away.

Original poster
GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 12/07/2017 16:10

I haven't answered what I'm going to do because I haven't worked out what I am going to do yet, I know what I want to happen (him buck his ideas up and get a job, any job) what I don't know is how to make that happen, there have been some good suggestions which I'm going to talk through with him and see where we go from there, but I don't want to do that whilst the kids are awake and I was working late yesterday and frankly by the time I got home I was cold, wet and exhausted.

OP posts:
JessicaEccles · 12/07/2017 16:37

Just play him 'Nothing going on but the rent'- you gotta have a J.O.B if you want to be with me... Wink

No romance without finance!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/07/2017 16:50

Offering suggestions keeps finding a job as a shared thing. All work shared is actually done by you, right? So as long as you maintain any sense of ownership of his job hunt, you are screwed, he will just let all the thinking, all the work, all the worry slide over to you.

You will almost certainly have more luck with a hard-line angry approach where you make it absolutely clear that you are furious, he has to get a job, you don't want to hear anything about it, not a single whine or complaint, all you want to hear about is when the jobs starts when he gets it.

Of course you have to then step completely away and not talk to him about his job search at all.

TrollMummy · 12/07/2017 17:01

So how does he buy clothes, toiletries, pay for petrol, mobile phone bills or have money to go out. Do you have to fund these things? If so I would stop this immediately until he starts pulling his weight and making an effort to get a job along with restricting wifi access to limit his online gaming habit. Sorry OP feels like we are talking about a lazy teen here.

FloofyCat · 12/07/2017 17:21

Am I misreading this because no one else seems to have picked up on it - he's only been well enough to work for the last 18 months. So he's been seriously ill for about five years? Would he qualify for PIP to help take some of the pressure from you?

I agree he absolutely needs to get a job and contribute, but I have a bit more sympathy for him than some of the comments here (possibly projecting as I have been unable to work due to illness and know how it knocks your confidence).

You're working 22 hours a week? I'm surprised you're not both being hounded to work full time, you're lucky not to live in a Universal Credit area!

I also think the nature of his illness might be a factor - if he has mental health issues in the past he might not be fully recovered to feel confident and positive about working.

He does need to pull his weight though - I might not bring in an income but I still contribute to the family in plenty of other ways.

FloofyCat · 12/07/2017 17:23

The "certain jobs are beneath me" is bollocks though, and I would have no truck with that. A good parent does everything they can to put food in their childrens' mouths I sound a bit Victorian there and I couldn't have any respect for anyone who didn't put their children first, never mind the shortcomings as a partner...

Original poster
GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 12/07/2017 17:44

FloofyCat It was physical health rather than mental, but I think it may have affected his MH, although he insists it hasn't. He's been declared fit for work so I don't think he's entitled to PIP is he? I do 22 hours paid work at the moment (I'm also doing some voluntary stuff and a masters) but we aren't claiming anything other than child benefit, so there isn't anyone to hound me anyway.

Troll I've been funding these things, apart from petrol as no car, and not much going out, but that was when i thought he was looking for work and just struggling to find anything having been ill so long.

OP posts:
Ra1nSunRain · 12/07/2017 17:45

35, fit, healthy, not looking for work ?

This makes me so angry !

This week he needs to go to job centre and sign on to get his credits
Going to the job centre will open opportunities to meet people who can write his CV, help him apply for local jobs and he will have interaction with people who will motivate him to find work and he will probably have the opportunity to join back to work courses

I dont care what job he does, but he should be working

GGGGGRRRRRRRHHHHHHH

No excuses give him one month or he is kicked out

MrsDoylesTeabags · 12/07/2017 17:46

Jessica that song always reminds me of Eddie Murphy 😂
I understand it must be tough and it's easier to say things need to change than to actually make make changes but the change needs to come from him.
Sounds like he's in a rut, you both need a serious conversation and complete honestly to get to the root of his apathy

Wooooo · 12/07/2017 19:06

He sounds utterly lazy and irresponsible. It's so disrespectful to you. I honestly don't know how you can stay with a man who is capable of behaving like that. What a terrible example he is setting for your children!

SerfTerf · 12/07/2017 19:13

TBF, I'd be depressed if I had had no job at all for 7 (?) years. He might not realise how low his mood and confidence is.

SerfTerf · 12/07/2017 19:14

Did he always work hard before the redundancy?

Original poster
GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 12/07/2017 23:08

Serf yeah before the redundancy he worked very hard.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 12/07/2017 23:16

I think in your shoes, I'd be pushing the "back to college" thing, if you think you can limp on financially for a year.

He needs a trade, something new on his CV and a confidence boost.

He could do a BTEC level 2 in a year, or a 90 credit level 3 and then he'd have an industry specific qualification. Or he could do an Access course and be off to uni next September.

Could you cope financially for a year?

Sofabitch · 12/07/2017 23:20

Can he drive? What about a bus driver?