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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your help finding DH a job/working out what he can do

128 replies

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 11/07/2017 00:10

DH has been out of work for a very long time (originally signed off sick but now just unemployed) he does not want to go back to bar work or shop work, which are all he has ever done.

He has a handful of GCSEs. For about the 7 millionth time we have discussed him going back to work, or rather this time having just found out he's not applied for a couple of jobs his friend found for him (or indeed any jobs for at least 6 months) I have snapped and told him to get a fucking job or get out (I've been happy to support him when i thought he was applying and just not getting anywhere but now i know he's not even trying im pretty pissed off) I've said I will help him look but to be honest I'm a bit stuck on what to suggest.

So what jobs can people suggest?

I earn just enough by the way that we don't qualify for any benefits and childcare isn't an issue so any money he brings in is a bonus, I'm just sick of his excuses. Also i've said he has 1 month before not wanting to do bar work or shop work is tough shit, I don't want him to be miserable and I know job hunting sucks but I'm fed up of struggling to make ends meet when hes not even trying!

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 11/07/2017 13:00

Apprenticeship?

My employer make a big deal that ours are not just for school leavers. Get paid to retrain! here. Deadline is Friday this week mind.

anchor9 · 11/07/2017 13:13

honestly i am so sad with the kind of things women tolerate, enable, negotiate around, have children with.

SerfTerf · 11/07/2017 14:17

Yodel are always desperately trying to recruit where I am. So maybe courier work? It's allegedly self employed. Not in the real sense but it might satisfy him for now.

Realistically, the CV gap might be a sticking point so getting "something, anything" on the CV immediately would be a leap forward.

SerfTerf · 11/07/2017 14:34

The taxi suggestion or über too. Gig-economy, pseudo-self-employment will e easier to secure than PAYE, because the risk to the organisation is lower.

BarbaraofSeville · 11/07/2017 14:34

Yodel has a reputation for being awful pay, not even NMW, which is why they are always recruiting. I'd try a few other things before them.

The career gap can be mostly explained away as being a SAHP, which isn't strictly true, but will be useful for the purposes of reducing the impact on his job hunting activities.

TrollMummy · 11/07/2017 14:58

DH was made redundant and out of work for 10 months. It was certainly the most stressful time in our relationship trying to keep him motivated and wanting to kill him for laying on th sofa when there was a pile of laundry to be done. He was also being a bit picky about jobs he would apply for until I gave him an ultimatum. Any job is better than no job and an applying for better jobs while you are working is always more successful than applying when out of work. Employers are more likely to take on someone that is working rather than someone that is not.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/07/2017 16:48

What's his own plan for getting back to work?

Or does he plan to live off you until someone knocks on the door and offers him a job as CEO of Apple?

Original poster

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 11/07/2017 21:15

Sorry, I was at work.

What does he want to do self employed? He's not sure yet that is as much as I have got out of him.

Or does he plan to live off you until someone knocks on the door and offers him a job as CEO of Apple? I'm pretty sure that about sums his plan up.

apply for jobs for him so he just has to get his arse to the interviews. I wondered about this, I couldn't decide if it crossed some sort of line or not?

There are a few apprenticeships locally that I think would suit him, would I be a terrible person to apply on his behalf and then basically tell him he can go to the interview or to his mothers?

OP posts:

Greyponcho · 11/07/2017 22:04

Apprenticeships are age limited to 24, aren't they?
Jeez, even an unpaid work experience or volunteering might be what he needs to get his cv back up & running.
What would he do if you were out of action for a few months, say, had an accident or illness that meant that you couldn't work (not that I would ever wish that upon you) - what would he do then? Might be too late by then to get a job quickly enough before the next mortgage payment is due... would he still be sat on his arse playing games
for the love of god remove the modem & take it with you to work

midlifenicethis · 11/07/2017 22:21

I have read all of this and have to ask, has his laziness not had a terrible affect on the way you view him and your relationship as a couple? Are you happy to stay with him?

And please do not ever let him entertain the idea of self employment. Self employment requires self motivation and discipline, which sadly it seems he lacks. It would simply be another way to avoid getting a 'proper' job.

Have you ever sat him down and asked him how he would support himself if you were to end the relationship?

indigox · 11/07/2017 22:30

would I be a terrible person to apply on his behalf and then basically tell him he can go to the interview or to his mothers?

It's not enough though, he can go to the interview and give terrible answers and come across as the unmotivated lazy ass that he is, or even tell you he's gone to the interview but stayed home, and he wouldn't have to move out because he "fulfilled" his side of it. You really need to be stronger, he's taking you for a mug and you're letting it happen.

Maddogs · 11/07/2017 23:05

I still say he needs to sign on even if he doesn't qualify for JSA he would get NI contributions. After 7 years out of work his state pension will be badly affected. You will end up supporting him for the rest of your life.

He has no motivation to change! Definitely no motivation to be self employed without a skill or trade what exactly would he do? Window cleaner maybe?

You need to light a fire under his arse, don't worry about upsetting him, he is taking the piss out of you every day you head out to work and come home to nothing done. That is disrespectful and entitled. He is behaving like a teenager with no sense of responsibility for his family. But he still thinks he deserves a decent job, why??

Please set him a deadline for getting a job and also to get off the computer and act like a grown up.

Can I ask how is your relationship? Do you still have respect for him? Fancy him?

cowgirlsareforever · 11/07/2017 23:11

Could he train to be a barber?

Original poster

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 11/07/2017 23:16

Our relationship is crap to be honest. The DC adore him and when they're home we work well as a family but there is no romantic/adult side to our relationship, it's very similar to when I used to have flatmates, only you know, less help with the bills.

OP posts:

Maddogs · 11/07/2017 23:20

I thought that maybe the case greebols. Are you hanging in there because of the children? Because he isn't showing them how an adult behaves or what a relationship looks like.
You must be so fed up, the problem is nothing will change unless he wants to make an effort. Has it reached a point where you would consider separating? He is bringing nothing to your life.

cowgirlsareforever · 11/07/2017 23:21

I'm not surprised that the relationship is rubbish. It must be impossible to have any respect for a person who is so pathetic.

lemondropcake · 11/07/2017 23:22

Royal mail? Good pay good school hours with plenty overtime if he wants it. Proper contract and a union.
Hard work but worth it

maudeismyfavouritepony · 11/07/2017 23:27

WTF. What do your kids think of this situation, him at home gaming while you work and do all the housework??

mummymeister · 11/07/2017 23:35

greebols mentally you have moved on and even considering applying for him is an admission that you feel defeated by this.

please don't let this drift on for another 7 years. you deserve to be in a better relationship than this.

Stop settling and start taking action. you have to sit him down and have a plan. by Friday he needs to have signed on. by 4 weeks time be in work, paid or otherwise. if not then you want him gone until he can get work.

he is being enabled by you to be a lazy ass for whatever reason. you don't love this man. you tolerate him because he is the father of your children and whilst superficially things might seem ok when you are altogether kids are really astute and will know this isn't happy families.

only you can drive this change. he has shown time and again that he is happy with the status quo. so you have to summon up your energy and hit it head on. write notes to yourself so you don't get waylaid.

One thing is certain. if you don't give an ultimatum. he never will. and he will never change.

start tonight. change the internet passwords and when he finds out tell him why. you have to shake things up. please don't wait another 7 years - its such a chronic waste of a limited life isn't it?

Weedsnseeds1 · 12/07/2017 07:18

Air Steward? Preferably long haul, so he's out of your hair for days on end?

Frouby · 12/07/2017 07:26

Is he signing on? If so he might get help to do the CSCS card. It has changed recently. There is the test to do and I think a half day course now.

The building industry is desperate for labour atm. Well it is up here in the north.

I think you have bigger problems than career advice though. I don't think it woulf matter what help and support you offer and what training you suggest. He seems to think work is beneath him not just specific work.

InfiniteSheldon · 12/07/2017 07:31

Ffs stop offering solutions! He could find a job he just doesn't want one and as for suggesting he claims jsa he could just you know get a job, I don't work and pay taxes to suggest able bodied men who can't be arsed to work! The more solutions you offer him OP the more excuses you will hear. Change the WiFi password give him a time limit and set your dc a better example this loser has got you so ground down you can't see how bad things have got you will be better off without him.

SonicBoomBoom · 12/07/2017 07:35

I was cutting him some slack coz I had trouble getting back into work after having kids and assumed he'd hit a similar issue having been out of work so long.

But you were actually applying for jobs though, yes? Not just sitting at home playing online games expecting a really good one to land in your lap.

You need to give him a deadline, and stick to it, or he's out. Don't let him take the piss out of you any longer.

SonicBoomBoom · 12/07/2017 07:37

Air Steward? Preferably long haul, so he's out of your hair for days on end?

Good idea. How's that flight into space coming along?

Aspiezilla · 12/07/2017 07:59

If all he has are a handful of GCSEs then he needs to face facts that the jobs he considers "beneath him" are likely all he is qualified for.

Retail work, bar work, warehouse work, data entry jobs don't care about qualifications.
He may get something in the care work field as they often train on the job.

If he wants to do something else he needs to train for it. He could go self employed but unless he has a marketable skill (handyman for instance) and the desire to hussle for business he won't get anywhere.

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