To tell my boyfriends parents what I think of them after suicide?

[feelingrubbishtoday]

So my boyfriend committed suicide, his parents blame me because we had an argument before he took his own life. We were so in love with each other and I thought we would be together forever which he told me was the case then this happened with no prior warning!

I was and still am completely devastated and I understand they are completely devastated too! But they stopped me from going to his funeral. They made up lies about his death and now I have got one of the memorial cards they made up for him and they put something on there saying something about all the girls you could ever want in heaven! He didn't want any girls he was with me and told me I was the love of his life etc and I feel like that was so disrespectful towards me and my boyfriend. They have tried to completely wipe me out of his life and I am so badly hurt by this.

Obviously I'm finding this situation hard enough without them being so disrespectful to say all the girls you want in heaven! There will be an inquest held soon to say exactly what caused his death and they will be there. I'm so hurt and angry because of everything they have done since his death I feel like telling them how I feel. Is that unreasonable?

Forget about support, some posters will be doing active and needless harm to a vulnerable human being

I think there would be a good case for banning such people from mumsnet

Bawbag, how dare you suggest that his parents may have the right to blame the op for their son's actions, regardless of your "experience"?

The decision to take one's own life is no one's but that individual. What a disgustingly nasty comment to make!

OP, I am so so sorry for your loss, and I do believe that your partner's Parent's treatment of you has been appalling, and no, grief does not excuse despicable behaviour. However, I think for your own state of mind, wait until after the inquisition (which they can't stop you from attending), before considering another letter or conversation with them.

Look after yourself

Did he have diagnosed mental health issues? Or did this come completely out of the blue? Just trying to understand a bit more about why they are (obviously totally wrongly) trying to blame you.

MH issues don't have to be diagnosed, a lot have un diagnosed MH problems, that they have not followed the formal route. My cousin committed suicide quite suddenly, not even his parents suspected anything wrong. He had no formal diagnosis of my issues, he seemed happy, with a good job and partner.

Wow, MN really is becoming a nasty place these days, people making some really unkind comments to a young lady who is going through a very hard time and looking for some support. Shame on some of you.

OP, please re-read one of the first posts from DollyPartonsBeard it was spot on.

So sorry for your loss

@Aeroflotgirl I was just trying to find out if the OP's boyfriend was diagnosed or not. I wondered if maybe she was aware of MH issues but parents were not, or vice versa etc it would have caused different reactions.

Sorry for your loss op

This man wasn't 'their child', he was a grown man in his 30's who was in a serious long term relationship with you.

I would be hurt also by what his parents wrote but no good will come of you voicing your anger to them.

They are grieving and it sounds like they are not doing it in a particularly healthy way.

Blaming you doesn't change the fact he's gone.

Your right of course about people don't generally kill themselves after a domestic argument without there being an underlying mental health problem.

You couldn't have known what was going through his mind any more than they couldn't.

Personally I would have gone to the funeral, you don't need an invite.

It was cruel of them to ban you from attending, but I'd leave it now and focus on yourself and your own healing.

Wow, some of you posters should hang your heads in shame. What a bunch of heartless bitches/ bastards some of you are.

OP, it was no ones fault he took his own life.

People who seem perfectly fine on the outside can be broken on the inside and no one, not even their closet loved ones will know this. (I speak as someone who battled depression and suicide thoughts for years and no one knew)

Banning you from the funeral was a heartless thing to do IMO and I'm so glad you managed to hold your own service to say goodbye to him.

Losing someone you love, especially when you couldn't say goodbye, is heartbreaking. It doesn't matter if you are a parent, partner or friend.

Being a parent doesn't trump the heartbreak card over the partner that is also left behind.

Being a parent doesn't mean you sit on some holy bloody pedestal and you are more important than anyone else.

He was in his 30s, not 18. To make comments about "all the girls in heaven" is just plain weird, rude and disrespectful to you.

I suspect no woman would have ever been good enough for him in their eyes and they vented that in a passive aggressive way due to their grief.

Please just step away from them as it will only prolong the hurt for you.

Surround yourself with family and friends who know the truth and hang onto the happy memories you have

OP I don't think that confronting his parents will help you in the long run. They've treated you very badly, probably because they're wild with grief, which doesn't excuse it but it does explain it iyswim? I completely understand why you're so hurt and angry at the way they've treated you, but I just can't see a positive resolution coming out of a confrontation. Concentrate on your own grief, counselling can help if it's something you'd be open to, and concentrate on your own healing process. If anything confronting them will make you feel worse, even though you didn't do anything wrong.

i can't imagine how upset you must be, but I also can't imagine how painful it must to lose a child to suicide, and to have all of the maddening guilt and regret that goes with that. I do not think you will feel better for making a point about how they take comfort from thinking of their son being dead. Leave them to grieve, and don't think about demanding respect from his parents - I'm afraid they will have other priorities, and you will end up hurting them and yourself more. You cannot control how they feel about you, and certainly won't gain their respect by confronting them.

So sorry for your loss. You could have gone to the funeral, just slipped in for the service. They were wrong to say you couldn't do that. I wouldn't read too much into the memorial card they are flailing around for someone to blame. Their son's suicide must make them aske whether they could have prevented his death. Let it be now love, you have memories and hopefully a future.