To tell my boyfriends parents what I think of them after suicide?

[feelingrubbishtoday]

So my boyfriend committed suicide, his parents blame me because we had an argument before he took his own life. We were so in love with each other and I thought we would be together forever which he told me was the case then this happened with no prior warning!

I was and still am completely devastated and I understand they are completely devastated too! But they stopped me from going to his funeral. They made up lies about his death and now I have got one of the memorial cards they made up for him and they put something on there saying something about all the girls you could ever want in heaven! He didn't want any girls he was with me and told me I was the love of his life etc and I feel like that was so disrespectful towards me and my boyfriend. They have tried to completely wipe me out of his life and I am so badly hurt by this.

Obviously I'm finding this situation hard enough without them being so disrespectful to say all the girls you want in heaven! There will be an inquest held soon to say exactly what caused his death and they will be there. I'm so hurt and angry because of everything they have done since his death I feel like telling them how I feel. Is that unreasonable?

He was just your boyfriend

Bit harsh

these might be of help uk-sobs.org.uk/

You don't think straight when you have lost a child and you will look to blame anyone and anything in the hopes that it will take away even just a tiny bit of your pain, it isn't personal. I am so truly sorry for your loss, and please get some help if you feel it would be beneficial. Cruse are good. Noone can take from you what you and he had, and maybe in the future when they have had some time to gather the pieces of their hearts you and they can talk and set things straight but for now it's too raw. Step back and breathe. I can completely understand how you feel, but they are not in a mental state right now to hear anything anyone has to say.
YANBU to feel how you do, grieve how you need to, but it wouldn't be right to tell them now.

OP, this is so sad and please accept my sympathy.
How long were you with your boyfriend and how old are you?

He was just your boyfriend. He was their CHILD. Have some respect and compassion for that

"Just" your boyfriend? Nice

I don't think you should be preaching to other people about respect or compassion, try working on your own first.

Why dont you have your own memorial service with some friends at home? You could get a local church leader to come and lead it, they'd be happy to (not c of e or catholic as they would charge a lot but methodist, evangelical or other free church ) . A chance for you to say goodbye...which you need and deserve. X x

It was an odd and crass thing to put in a card, but they probably aren't thinking straight right now.

Sadly it's natural to look for blame when something like this happens, and I wouldn't try to approach them any time soon. No-one who is mentally healthy kills themselves after an argument. They'll come to terms with that one day. Right now just focus on yourself

Definitely leave it. My friend committed suicide many years ago with no warning, he used to talk about his parents a lot and they were putting huge amounts of pressure on him to move out at a young age so they could retire to the sea side.

I never told them how much I think they contributed to his depression, they lost their child and that was enough.

I am so, so sorry for your loss

I think you should access some bereavement counselling for yourself - your grief is quite separate from your boyfriend's parents'.
Grief is not a competition and your grief is just as valid as theirs. It is not a competition and it is possible that they are able to cope better with their grief because they have found a way to 'blame' you. Just as you are finding yourself needing to explain yourself to them.

Please don't.
You will not benefit from confronting them, they will be hurt and likely angry and none of it will bring your boyfriend back .

After somebody has died from suicide the sense of loss and bereavement is augmented by a sense of betrayal and sometimes anger at the person who died for the action they took. It seems unfair and wrong and leaves people looking for a 'solution' when, really, there is none.

You and his parents are in the worst possible place but neither one of you can be of any help to each other, so in your own interests, stay away from them and seek help for yourself.

I really hope you will very soon find a way to forgive him and them and yourself - there is no way you could have prevented this from happening

You are not being unreasonable and you must be completely devastated. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You are not to blame and I don't doubt that you loved one another. It was a random argument and you never could have imagined that it would result in such catastrophic consequences.

It is awful that you were not allowed go to the funeral, that really is dreadful. I am not surprised that you are really hurt by their behaviour.

You knew him better than most people. Go to the inquest and maybe that will shed some light on the devastating step that he took.

My heart goes out to you. I know it sounds unlikely now but your life will go on and you will learn to live with the pain and learn to love again. I wish you all the best. This is not your fault.

Try to get some counselling because you have been through a trauma and you need support. Best wishes to you

Notare - I have already wrote them a letter telling them similar to what you said and asking to go to the funeral! They just got word to me through someone else that they didn't want me at the funeral so I am quite certain that they are not interested in how wonderful I thought he was as they are blaming me

Enough - thank you. I have been seeing a counsellor but I will have a look at the link you sent

OP I am so sorry for you losing your boyfriend, especially to suicide. No, it is not your fault but it is not a good idea to have a talk with them. It's really not going to help anyone. You know it was nothing to do with you and deep down they probably do too; they are grieving and desperately looking for answers. I am sure their anger will pass and that the inquest will not blame anyone else for his death, including you. I am so so sorry

Nellie - respecting you wont be their priority right now and it shouldnt have to be.

I agree and I don't expect it to be their priority but I just feel very hurt by their actions and especially the card! I respected their wishes even though I didn't want to by not going to the funeral the card just felt like a kick in the ribs

You have all lost somebody you love. It's common, especially when someone dies by suicide, to blame someone else. That could be what they are doing here.

Do you have someone to talk to about your feelings, OP? There are various places you could get support for you. Meantime it's best to leave his parents to grieve in their way. Blaming you might not feel kind or fair but it's what they are doing. I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

Can l just say some posters are being a bit unkind to the OP. It's not very helpful to her to hear that his parents have somehow got a greater entitlement to grieve. Everyone experiences it differently but it's the OP who is here on this thread and looking for support.

So sorry for your loss, OP. People find it very hard to deal with a sudden death and often look for someone to blame, but it horrible that you have ended up being that person on top of your own grief. I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor.

You are deluded - I did have respect that's why I didn't go to the funeral! Well I have spoken to the police many times about this and a counsellor who deals with mental health and a priest and all of them have told me if anyone kills themselves it can't possibly be down to an argument there is a mental health issue there!

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

We were only together for one year and just moved in together before it happened! But we were planning on moving in for about 6 months before that and became very close very quickly as we had known each other for many years before

Leave them alone.

Jamhand - we did have a mass for him with just my family with our priest

enoughisenough12 thank you so much for posting the link. You have helped more than the OP today. Thank you.
OP, so sorry for what you are going through.