To tell my boyfriends parents what I think of them after suicide?

[feelingrubbishtoday]

So my boyfriend committed suicide, his parents blame me because we had an argument before he took his own life. We were so in love with each other and I thought we would be together forever which he told me was the case then this happened with no prior warning!

I was and still am completely devastated and I understand they are completely devastated too! But they stopped me from going to his funeral. They made up lies about his death and now I have got one of the memorial cards they made up for him and they put something on there saying something about all the girls you could ever want in heaven! He didn't want any girls he was with me and told me I was the love of his life etc and I feel like that was so disrespectful towards me and my boyfriend. They have tried to completely wipe me out of his life and I am so badly hurt by this.

Obviously I'm finding this situation hard enough without them being so disrespectful to say all the girls you want in heaven! There will be an inquest held soon to say exactly what caused his death and they will be there. I'm so hurt and angry because of everything they have done since his death I feel like telling them how I feel. Is that unreasonable?

[thegreylady]

So sorry for your loss. You could have gone to the funeral, just slipped in for the service. They were wrong to say you couldn't do that. I wouldn't read too much into the memorial card they are flailing around for someone to blame. Their son's suicide must make them aske whether they could have prevented his death. Let it be now love, you have memories and hopefully a future.

[KimmySchmidt1]

i can't imagine how upset you must be, but I also can't imagine how painful it must to lose a child to suicide, and to have all of the maddening guilt and regret that goes with that. I do not think you will feel better for making a point about how they take comfort from thinking of their son being dead. Leave them to grieve, and don't think about demanding respect from his parents - I'm afraid they will have other priorities, and you will end up hurting them and yourself more. You cannot control how they feel about you, and certainly won't gain their respect by confronting them.

[Notreallyarsed]

OP I don't think that confronting his parents will help you in the long run. They've treated you very badly, probably because they're wild with grief, which doesn't excuse it but it does explain it iyswim? I completely understand why you're so hurt and angry at the way they've treated you, but I just can't see a positive resolution coming out of a confrontation. Concentrate on your own grief, counselling can help if it's something you'd be open to, and concentrate on your own healing process. If anything confronting them will make you feel worse, even though you didn't do anything wrong.

[Badcat666]

Wow, some of you posters should hang your heads in shame. What a bunch of heartless bitches/ bastards some of you are.

OP, it was no ones fault he took his own life.

People who seem perfectly fine on the outside can be broken on the inside and no one, not even their closet loved ones will know this. (I speak as someone who battled depression and suicide thoughts for years and no one knew)

Banning you from the funeral was a heartless thing to do IMO and I'm so glad you managed to hold your own service to say goodbye to him.

Losing someone you love, especially when you couldn't say goodbye, is heartbreaking. It doesn't matter if you are a parent, partner or friend.

Being a parent doesn't trump the heartbreak card over the partner that is also left behind.

Being a parent doesn't mean you sit on some holy bloody pedestal and you are more important than anyone else.

He was in his 30s, not 18. To make comments about "all the girls in heaven" is just plain weird, rude and disrespectful to you.

I suspect no woman would have ever been good enough for him in their eyes and they vented that in a passive aggressive way due to their grief.

Please just step away from them as it will only prolong the hurt for you.

Surround yourself with family and friends who know the truth and hang onto the happy memories you have

[LucieLucie]

Sorry for your loss op

This man wasn't 'their child', he was a grown man in his 30's who was in a serious long term relationship with you.

I would be hurt also by what his parents wrote but no good will come of you voicing your anger to them.

They are grieving and it sounds like they are not doing it in a particularly healthy way.

Blaming you doesn't change the fact he's gone.

Your right of course about people don't generally kill themselves after a domestic argument without there being an underlying mental health problem.

You couldn't have known what was going through his mind any more than they couldn't.

Personally I would have gone to the funeral, you don't need an invite.

It was cruel of them to ban you from attending, but I'd leave it now and focus on yourself and your own healing.

[MineKraftCheese]

@Aeroflotgirl I was just trying to find out if the OP's boyfriend was diagnosed or not. I wondered if maybe she was aware of MH issues but parents were not, or vice versa etc it would have caused different reactions.

[ginnystonic]

Wow, MN really is becoming a nasty place these days, people making some really unkind comments to a young lady who is going through a very hard time and looking for some support. Shame on some of you.

OP, please re-read one of the first posts from DollyPartonsBeard it was spot on.

So sorry for your loss

[Aeroflotgirl]

MH issues don't have to be diagnosed, a lot have un diagnosed MH problems, that they have not followed the formal route. My cousin committed suicide quite suddenly, not even his parents suspected anything wrong. He had no formal diagnosis of my issues, he seemed happy, with a good job and partner.

[MineKraftCheese]

Did he have diagnosed mental health issues? Or did this come completely out of the blue? Just trying to understand a bit more about why they are (obviously totally wrongly) trying to blame you.

[WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat]

Bawbag, how dare you suggest that his parents may have the right to blame the op for their son's actions, regardless of your "experience"?

The decision to take one's own life is no one's but that individual. What a disgustingly nasty comment to make!

OP, I am so so sorry for your loss, and I do believe that your partner's Parent's treatment of you has been appalling, and no, grief does not excuse despicable behaviour. However, I think for your own state of mind, wait until after the inquisition (which they can't stop you from attending), before considering another letter or conversation with them.

Look after yourself

[Atenco]

Forget about support, some posters will be doing active and needless harm to a vulnerable human being

I think there would be a good case for banning such people from mumsnet

[Aeroflotgirl]

Here here wellThisis. Some posters are being very harsh and nasty to a vulnerable woman who has just lost her partner through horrific circumstances, and unfairly taking the blame for his death by his parents. Would they say this to her face, it is easy to sit at a computer and type!

[WellThisIsShit]

I have reported this thread. People are being incredibly cruel to someone who's just had a shocking bereavement.

Forget about support, some posters will be doing active and needless harm to a vulnerable human being.

Why would people do this? It's beyond nasty.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Wow haurdYer we have moved on from very unhelpful and nasty comments such as yours. Op has every right to grieve, grief is not a competition, she is understandably hurting, that comment in the memorial card was inappropriate and crass, where ever its coming from. So by your logic, my grief if I lost my partner is worth less, than his parents because I've not known him all his life, geeze! The grief that a parent has for a child is different, to that of a partner. Op needs to seek counselling, the suicide was not her fault, like her counsellor has said, he must have had serious MH issues to do that.

[WellThisIsShit]

This is completely untrue "Yabu, it's not about you it's about them"

It IS about the grieving partner and it IS cruel to deny her the right to grieve and the right to go through the grief process, just as much as anyone else who knew him.

[lemonzest123]

Pretty shocked by some of these replies. Sometimes I think people on MN forget that OPs are actual humans. I home some posters on here wouldn't speak to the recently beavered so coldly and dismissively IRL!

[anchor9]

That is quite a crass comment but it won't help anyone for you to start a scrap about it. Leave them be.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes they are grieving, but they have treated op in a very hurtful and nasty way, I feel that they disaproved your relationship tbh. Really you need to go to counselling first, write a letter to get all your feelings out, but don't post it for a while.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op mabey go for counselling too,that might help you with your grief. Partners argue, it's normal, his reaction to that was extreme, it will of course affect you. Thats a hard cross to bear, knowing that might have contributed to his suicide, and the gut and blame you might be feeling, even though you should not!

[ZanyMobster]

Wow some seriously nasty posters on here, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

A year is a relatively long time and they lived together, this is still extremely traumatic and the parents have no right to treat the OP in the way they are regardless of the situation. However I do agree that you need to leave it alone with them completely. You would like to think it is grief making them act this way and that they are not awful people.

Take care of yourself and get all the help/support you need

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op iam astounded on some of the nasty posts on here, you are grieving too for your partner in such tragic circumstances. Just because op was not married, her grief is less valid the grief of his parents will be different, to that of a partner. So because I have known my husband less, than his parents, my grief is minimal funny logic.op leave it now, mabey in time, write a letter, and post it to them. That way you will be calm and logical, instead of emotional.

[Pinklady301]

OP don't focus on the nasty posts. Thats the nature of internet forums.

As for this, i agree with other posters - the parents are just lashing out and you are the easiest and nearest target. I know its incredibly hurtful but you have to try to be the bigger person and leave them. In time I am sure they will realise but right now they are probably confused (as you are too no doubt), angry and devastated.

Look after yourself first and foremost xx

[Hippee]

This is the nastiest thread I have ever read on Mumsnet. So sorry OP. Agree that you should leave the parents to it - there is nothing to be gained from trying to make them see their point of view. Be kind to yourself. My cousin committed suicide at 19. His girlfriend didn't marry for another 20 years - but hang on, according to some posters, she was young, it was "just" her boyfriend - she had no right to be devastated

[IWantABlueBanana]

op you know you cant say anything to his parents. Their anger is misplaced, yes, but so is yours at the moment.

I really dont want to out myself but my boyfriend killed himself in the most horrific way.

The inquest did really help to pull together all the background as to the whys, 9 years later, the pain and angers still there for both his family and myself, but its aimed appropriately.

Take care of yourself