To tell my boyfriends parents what I think of them after suicide?

[feelingrubbishtoday]

So my boyfriend committed suicide, his parents blame me because we had an argument before he took his own life. We were so in love with each other and I thought we would be together forever which he told me was the case then this happened with no prior warning!

I was and still am completely devastated and I understand they are completely devastated too! But they stopped me from going to his funeral. They made up lies about his death and now I have got one of the memorial cards they made up for him and they put something on there saying something about all the girls you could ever want in heaven! He didn't want any girls he was with me and told me I was the love of his life etc and I feel like that was so disrespectful towards me and my boyfriend. They have tried to completely wipe me out of his life and I am so badly hurt by this.

Obviously I'm finding this situation hard enough without them being so disrespectful to say all the girls you want in heaven! There will be an inquest held soon to say exactly what caused his death and they will be there. I'm so hurt and angry because of everything they have done since his death I feel like telling them how I feel. Is that unreasonable?

And as for the just his girlfriend comment well I didn't want to be just his girlfriend we had discussed getting Married and said we were life partners and soul mates so I didn't plan on only ever being his girlfriend and that wasn't his plan either!

So sorry for your loss

OP concentrate on your grief and looking after yourself, his parents are looking for any reason to blame someone apart from their son it's quiet normal with suicide as you have heard many posters say. Your grief is raw and so is theirs, they are being cruel but it is part of their grief and whilst no fair in the slighest on you try not to retaliate they are understandable not in their right minds (meant in the kidest way).
I'm so sorry for your loss, your heart must be broken.

Some posters here are vile and should be ashamed of themselves!!

So sorry for your loss OP. I hope you are looking after yourself. Your BF's parents have lost their child, and that is something most parents will never get over, BUT, their grief isn't a free pass to treat others like crap and blame others for their son's decision. Looking at the rest of the world, many parents lose their children to suicide, but plenty can see through the grief and do not blame others for a decision only their child had the ability to make.

Suicide is an action that is rarely talked about, so there is usually little or no verbal indication that they are planning it. A minute number of people may do it on impulse, but those cases are so rare, and the vast majority of suicides do give a few indicators that something is wrong. A few signs could be listening to sad music and saying that they missed a deceased relative. Or seeming distant for a long while. Simple things that we don't really notice and tend to pretty much keep under the radar IYKWIM.

Your BF's parents would still probably blame you even if you had a stupid, minor argument over what kind of car you were going to buy. As was rightly said, suicide is a big indication that the deceased was suffering from MH problems beforehand, and they were severe enough to drive the person to take their own life.

It's so much easier for his parents to blame yourself and the rest of the world, than to look at themselves and see that they missed the signs that indicated he needed professional help. Not many people want to reflect on their failures in life, especially when it comes to missing clear signs that meant a loved one/friend needed help and then losing them in this way.

You should let your BF's parents grieve, but if I was in your situation, I don't think I could ever speak to them again after this.

You sound like a lovely, kind, caring person, so let your actions speak volumes more than your BF's parent's words. Eventually people will see that they were wrong to treat you as they did.

I am so sorry about your loss op

They list their son, but you did Indeed loose your boyfriend. Don't let anyone minimize your loss.

Please book an apointment with your GP or some sort of access to health support.
My father in law has also blamed me for the dearh of his son, he also sort of hijaced the funeral.
His son and my boyfriend and my daughters farher died of an anerism,nothing i could controll.
Neither could you controll or be responsible for your boyfrends Suicide.

It was not your fault, and your feelings are yours to own, your reaction is justyfied.

But wait a little for everything to cool off before you decide what to do.
Now everything is raw.

And talk to health services about ut all. That is my one reget i did not.

it takes a spesial kind of people to blame someone for someones death. And losing a son is not an excuse to destroy other beloved ones.
And this treatment can eat you up, so please look after your self, op.
Thinking of you

Some people on here are astonishing in their attempts to diminish and demean the OP. Who re you to suggest she will just move on, that she is a child, that her grief currency is somehow insignificant because he was "just" her boyfriend. Awful. Many people meet the person they fall in love with, raise a family with and spend their life with at a young age. How patronising and judgmental.

Also no need to state the obvious in that these poor people have lost their child and that grief does funny things to a person. Think we all know that but I think the every girlfriend you could want in heaven goes beyond that and is a jibe, and a nasty one at that. It's not on. The OP states they tried to "wipe her out of his life" which suggests they were not exactly nice to her when their son was alive, who knows what kind of pressure or influence their behaviour has exerted on his suicide? Does losing someone dear to you give you the right to treat others people like total shit and blame them for something as complex as a suicide at such a young age? No. What about the damage they might do to another young person? As a parent our responsibility sometimes extends beyond the emotional welfare of just our child in a scenario such as this.

OP I do think you should hold off having any form of confrontation, it will be too painful for all of you. Wait until the inquest and the most powerful and loving thing you can do for your late boyfriend and his parents is to treat any questions you might be asked to answer with dignity and honesty.

I hope some of the people who have virtually blasted you on here don't get you any more low that you already must be. I am very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry OP. This must be dreadful for you- I would really recommend talking to a professional about this dynamic. Does your GP know about your loss? Maybe he could put you in touch with someone understanding.

Best wishes to you

Oh god this is a terrible situation. I understand why you want to do this but all it will achieve is more hurt. Please don't do it..
I'm so sorry for your loss, suicide is horrendous. The fall out is on a nuclear scale every fucking time.
Maybe counselling would help

Haven't read the rest of the replies, just the OP

My uncle committed suicide under similar circumstances. He had been with his partner for nearly 15 years, and they had two kids together. They'd split, she was saying he wouldn't get to see the kids, he hung himself.
My grandparents were horrendous to her. Absolutely downright cruel. The whole family was. I was the only family member to offer her any sympathy or comfort. My gran screamed and shouted at her when we visited him at the funeral home. It really was so difficult and heartbreaking, for all of us.
My grandparents are not nasty people. They were (and still are) utter heartbroken. No-one expects to bury a child.

Oh sweetheart I'm so very sorry for you, you have had some great advice and links, please do contact sobs they are an amazing organisation.

For the harsh and unhelpful comments I'm really saddened its not a game of top trumps of grief! My sister had almost this exact same situation, I saw the horrendous grief she suffered. After sometime her partners mother did contact her and they made peace with each other, sadly though my sister continued to blame herself and went on to take her own life.

Please take care of yourself op,my heart goes out to you and all involved, I hope you are getting a lot of support from your friends and family

Sorry for your loss

My brother committed suicide nearly a year ago. It's a surreal feeling. Please look after yourself x

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Please believe from the bottom of your heart that it is not your fault, and is nothing to do with having an argument. His parents are very wrong to think it was, and the 'girlfriends in heaven' is simply vile. I expect other people that may have seen that will think that it is vile too. However, I don't think you can do anything at the moment to influence his parents, and no contact is the best option.

Will you have to go to the inquest? I imagine that the coroner will want to hear from you about whether you had any concerns or noticed anything about his mental health or behaviour, as you and your boyfriend lived together. I'm sure the coroner will make it very clear that you are in no way to blame.
Look after yourself.

OP try posting this thread again on the bereavement/loss topic, it never works out well on AIBU. Hope you manage to get through this tough time.

what the utterfuck is wrong with some of you!!!

If your husbands died, and you were kept from the funeral you'd say aw shucks, he was their son?

I fucking wouldn't.

Op you have every right to be furious they've treated you like shit. They aren't nice people. Yes grief can do odd things but it doesn't usually make people assholes. Grieving assholes behave like assholes.

I would personally say why you want at the inquest as it will eat you up. Be factual and honey. Stay well away from them after.

feelingrubbishtoday how awful this has been for everyone who loved your boyfriend. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine your pain at this time. I can only assume you are hurting deeply and feel angry and frustrated towards your boyfriend's parents.

I know from experience that it eats away at you when someone blames you for something you are ultimately NOT responsible for. You are absolutely correct, nobody commits suicide due to an argument. Mental health plays a big part.

But I can imagine that as much as it was a shock to you, your boyfriend's parents would have been stunned and devastated by this equally. When bereaved, people go through all sorts of stages of grief and one of the first things people want to do is appoint blame even when it is unjustified. To them they want to direct their anger and their confusion at someone or something that is directly in their firing line and that unfortunately is you.

I am not going to say that you are being unreasonable for wanting to tell them how you are feeling. It's is certainly NOT unreasonable to WANT to do that but it is certainly not the best thing you can do right now whilst feelings are raw.

Spend time with those who are willing to listen to you, feel free to unleash your rage and emotions through counselling and maybe within time a politely worded letter to his parents might be a good idea when time has passed and their grief has reached a stage that they can manage in their day to day lives. There is no time frame on this. Grief has no time frame for them or for you.

But it would be very unwise to approach them just yet. Telling them your feelings and your version could irreversibly damage relations and at this moment that is obviously not want you want. You want them to listen, to understand and to accept.

They aren't ready yet.

Oh dear lady. How awful for you. There is no way in which his parents actions are acceptable. I really hope that you find a way through your grief and the exacerbating fact that you cannot share this with the people closest to him.

Not being allowed to attend his funeral is truly awful. I want to say unforgiveable but nothing will bring him back so forgiveness is on a different page.

The facts of his death will be reflected in the lives of everyone who knew him and sharing those facts would allow you all to come to terms with it.

I think you have had some harsh replies and no one can judge or measure your grief against that of another nor does grief excuse us truly awful behaviour. His funeral was his and not their place to deny you access and the memorial card sounds cruel.

Write a letter.... take your time before sending it... Wrap yourself in friends who know what you meant to each other and keep them close so that when you do find peace and space to move on, you will always have friends who just know... even if you don't share this with everyone you meet in the future.

Of course they blame you. That's their baby. However just because they blame you that doesn't mean that you are to blame. Every couple argues. You'd have had a very strange relationship if you didnt., so. Please please do not go through your life thinking this is your fault.
However. It's not appropriate to give distraught grieving parents a piece of your mind
.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I was reading the thread and I have no advice, as I have not had any experience in bereavement or similar.

However, I did want to just write a quick post to let you know that how you are feeling is not unreasonable (please don't act on it though, it won't help in the long run) and how PP have treated you is actually downright disrespectful. Honestly, there are some awful people about today.

Of course they blame you. That's their baby. However just because they blame you that doesn't mean that you are to blame

Seriously, do people actually think they are being nice or even comforting? This isn't a nice or supportive thing to say even if you think it is. Like seriously why the fuck are people posting horrendous things to a grieving woman. (And yes, she is grieving, just like his parents are).

I'm not sure the comment on the memorial card was aimed at you.

I don't mean to sound harsh but they had (assuming he was early 30s too) over 30 years of knowing him behave a certain way, so a year wouldn't be long to them, even though it was so important to you and him.

They didn't even know that you would see it.

I really don't think that involving yourself with them will do either of you any good. Just stay away from them and surround yourself with people who will look after you.

Take care op

I didn't say anything horrible.

I would write them a letter. Keep things factual and state only your basic points. Keep it private.

Suicide is hard to deal with and they are being unfair on you. Sometimes people need to be brought back to reality that they are not the only ones hurting and their actions are hurting others.

Grief is not an excuse for poor behaviour.

Posted too quickly. In nowhere did I say or implied anywhere at all. That op is or I thought op was to blame, and if I did can you please point it out.

So sorry for your loss OP. Your grief is just as important as that of the parents and yet very different. An argument is not the cause of his suicide. His parents are angry and directing their anger wrongly. But let them do that because they need to have answers and reasons for the suicide and blaming you means they don't live with "why did he do it?" forever.

Some really disgusting posts on this thread.

@LogicalPsycho

Op. Has. Lost. Her. Partner.

Maybe she should be cut some slack as well?