To tell my boyfriends parents what I think of them after suicide?

[feelingrubbishtoday]

So my boyfriend committed suicide, his parents blame me because we had an argument before he took his own life. We were so in love with each other and I thought we would be together forever which he told me was the case then this happened with no prior warning!

I was and still am completely devastated and I understand they are completely devastated too! But they stopped me from going to his funeral. They made up lies about his death and now I have got one of the memorial cards they made up for him and they put something on there saying something about all the girls you could ever want in heaven! He didn't want any girls he was with me and told me I was the love of his life etc and I feel like that was so disrespectful towards me and my boyfriend. They have tried to completely wipe me out of his life and I am so badly hurt by this.

Obviously I'm finding this situation hard enough without them being so disrespectful to say all the girls you want in heaven! There will be an inquest held soon to say exactly what caused his death and they will be there. I'm so hurt and angry because of everything they have done since his death I feel like telling them how I feel. Is that unreasonable?

I am so sorry for your loss. This happened to someone I know and it took her decades to process. I am sure that would have been complicated if his parents had blamed her in some way.

I am also glad you've seen a counsellor

I can understand their need to lash out, but as for some of the people on this thread ...

I'm so sorry for what happened to your boyfriend.
The people you spoke to are right, an argument alone would not lead to someone taking their own life, there was more going on that your boyfriend hadn't told you about.

As a parent I think in the circumstances I might also be looking for someone else to blame at first anyway. It's possible your bf confided in his parents more than you knew and this is influencing their behaviour now.
Right now you're the scapegoat, maybe time will change it maybe it won't but you need to distance yourself from them and not allow their actions to hurt you further. Grieve in your own way and allow them to do the same.

How old are you OP? You come accross quite young.

His parents are devastated and knowing you had an argument before his death their heads are going to be all over the place.

Did you get on with his parents before this?

I also think the OP sounds young. That just makes this worse for her.

SOBS are very good.

Support after Suicide may be another source of help.

Please be very kind to yourself.
Losing somebody to suicide is so much harder to process and to come to terms with than any other sudden death. The peace you seek will not come from seeking to get your boyfriend's parents to concede that your fight did not cause his actions.
YOU need to truly accept that and then you will find you won't need their acceptance of your relationship as much.

Wishing you nothing but the best.

I'm in my early thirties

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like his parents aren't being reasonable towards you, but as I'm sure you already know, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Grief can make people quite irrational. You know the rational answer, suicide isn't about 1 argument.

I suggest you write a letter with the things you'd like to say to them, how you feel about them blaming you and not going to the funeral and then ceremonially burn it. Let those feelings go, they will only hurt you more if you keep them.

They have lost their child. Knowing you had an argument will always be on their minds. They knew him for his whole life.

Let them grieve in their own time. They may in time feel differently.

His parents may be thinking that if your relationship had been ok he would not have taken his life. It is, of course, much more complicated than that, but grief is not logical or particularly rational. It may be some time before you are all able to talk together in a way that helps towards healing.

In the meantime look after yourself and talk with whoever is comfortable for you about your feelings. Suicide often leaves a lot of issues unresolved of those left behind, not least why BF wanted his life to end, so seek help if you can from those understand what is happening to you.

Im sorry for your loss but YABU. When my step mother committed suicide and my dad rang her parents to tell them they called my dad a bastard and asked what he had done to her, the anger didnt last long, 10 years down the line and we are all still in contact. Let them grieve, stay away from them and don't take what they say too personally.

Oh crikey OP, you poor thing. I asked your age in case you were very young and other posters had used the word child. 'Just a boyfriend' is insulting when you have lost the future life you had planned with your boyfriend.

Please get support. You will get through this. My very best wishes. MUM

Let them grieve. They are angry, hurt, devastated and right now they aren't thinking clearly. You will have a voice at the inquest; stick to the facts and don't let your emotions or anger towards them spill over. There will be a time to talk but it's not now. I'm really sorry for your loss .

Absolutely unfair to say he was 'just' your boyfriend. I'm not married to my partner, but we have built a life together over the years, child, home, everything. It would be devastating to lose him suddenly, I can only imagine it's like having the floor ripped from under you, sending your life into a spiral. You have my absolute sympathies.

However, as awful as this is for you, they have lost their child. Any parent would become angry and unreasonable. I could survive without my partner, as heartbroken as I'd be. I genuinely don't know how I'd function if I lost my child, regardless of age. I'd be broken in an unimaginable way. I'd certainly be blaming the world, and the trouble is, the closer someone is to the situation, the easier it is to blame/be angry with them.

Let them heal. Let yourself heal. Don't cause anymore hurt than there already is, and don't put yourself in a position where they can take their grief out on you. Perhaps, one day, you can tell them how much you loved their son and never wanted or expected this to happen, but don't focus on that. I hope you find a way through this .

I agree with it being unfair to say just your boyfriend - we were only together for a year but we had planned out our future we so looking forward to living together he even said if things carried on how they were we would be married within the next couple of years! I've never in my life been with a man that I sincerely thought I would spend the rest of my life with part from him! It just felt right like we clicked and had found our life parents as we both said to each other all the time. And now he is gone it's the most painful thing to go though because I havnt just lost what I had with him but I have also lost everything we planned and promised each other!

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, people have been massively unfair saying you're just a girlfriend. Yes they're parents but the OP is grieving as well.

I lost my sister to suicide and even though I didn't blame anyone else (she was deeply troubled) I couldn't tolerate talking to her friends- it was just too painful.

Please take time to heal- the 'what ifs' never go away and expect to get angry. I still do from time to time.

Notare - I have already wrote them a letter telling them similar to what you said and asking to go to the funeral! They just got word to me through someone else that they didn't want me at the funeral so I am quite certain that they are not interested in how wonderful I thought he was as they are blaming me
I am pretty sure that once the rawness of their pain has subsided ( and it will but maybe not for a couple of years) and they spend time just reflecting, maybe that will be the right time. Realistically though, you will move on one day, you will meet someone else to love, they can never move on

Im so sorry for your terrible loss.
I wouldn't say anything. You and your boyfriend know how special your relationship was. It doesn't matter what they or anyone else thinks .

Im really shocked by how dismissive posters are about the OPs grief.
Really wierd thread . Why are you all telling her how much worse it is for his parents than her?

You are not just grieving his loss but also the loss of your anticipated future together. And dealing with the fact that his thinking was disordered enough to take his own life without reaching out for help to you or anybody else.

It does not get much tougher than that and I so sorry.
Your grief is your grief.
Don't get it mixed up with his bereaved parents'.

OP I'm also incredibly sorry for your loss, I was friends with a girl who found her boyfriend after he killed himself at university and it was devastating to her, just devastating. There is no need to compare grief in this situation, suicide hurts many people unfortunately, in multiple ways.

As someone says, you are angry but you also sound like a sensible person and so I know you won't say any thing to them. Everyone feels guilty in this situation, I expect the parents feel guilt too (why didn't he call, why didn't he let us know, we would have helped) just as you do, and everyone also feels and gives out blame.

Please get specialist help from the people recommended here, this is so much to process, losing a partner after a year together and your future is a very big deal indeed and don't let anyone tell you different.

Nerr - thank you, sorry to hear about your sister, do you mind me asking how long ago it happened? And I don't think it's something you ever "get over" but is there anything that helped you?

They. Have. Lost. Their. Child.

Leave them alone.

My heart goes out to you, you are grieving and hurting. Suicide brings up many issues and it's hard to fully understand unless you've been there. Yes, would would BU to bring this up with them but I understand your immense pain and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have a counsellor and hope you have lots of real life support. While online support and opinions are great, with something so intensely painful, I do think you'd benefit from having someone to speak face-to-face to and to gain personal support.

I must say, some of these comments are hideous; saying you're "only" his girlfriend, commenting on how old you come across and asking how long you were together. What the actual fuck?!