To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

Bertandrussel I am currently expecting my first and kind of wishing I hadn't read this
But I am also trying to remain positive that I will be one of many women who are lucky enough to have a straight forward Labour!
Perhaps I should stop reading though, just in case

Nobody is saying it isn't stressful for the fathers. But their stress and wanting support comes a distance behind the mother and baby, the mother being the patient and having the absolute right to not have people visit her hospital bed who are going to make her feel worse. If the MIL was going to make OP feel better, I'm sure she'd happily have her there.

And Angel, by the way, parental responsibility of the father does not mean that he can visit the baby in hospital against the mother's wishes. If the woman does not want the man there, he doesn't get in. That's the end of the story.

That's aside from the fact there is no birth certificate yet for him to even have PR

As far as I'm concerned both sets of grandparents should be treated equally fairly. It is extremely hurtful to be deemed as second best because you're the paternal grandparent and not the maternal. I don't understand why you wouldn't be equally courteous to all.

Obviously you don't want anyone seeing you with your legs in stirrups but once you are settled and ready it's natural to want to introduce your previous bundle to their, hopefully, loving family.

I had nobody either, nobody cared and it was fine. I didn't want people seeing me at myost vulnerable

When you have just had a baby you may have be bleeding, have stitches, be in pain, adjusting to breast feeding, tired, and find getting up to go to the loo etc difficult. I had a catheter in for the first 24 hours, plus I was bleeding so everytime I stood up blood seem to go down the cathether wire even though I had a humongous pad on(some tmi - but not really the time to have people there unless very close like a mother).

I don't think it's so much keeping the baby to yourself but wanting a bit of privacy and dignity after going through quite an undignified experience. Some people don't like to be seen when they are not at their best. You wouldn't invite someone in to see you if you were at home in bed ill in your pjs after all would you?

Sorry just realised my post might be a bit off putting for those having their first! I did go on to have a second so it couldn't have been that bad!

Ethelfleda I enjoyed every second of my birth and it wasn't straightforward to say the least! I was in back to back labour for 4 days, forceps, episiotomy and two blood transfusions but the excitement took over and I had a brilliant midwife and consultant who were with me throughout it all.
I expected to be an absolute wreck because I am a bit of a Mard arse but you don't know how you will feel until the time comes to try not to worry!

I do sometimes wonder though, if the people who believe:
"Men get a say in their newborns when they actually give birth",

Also think, "Women get a say in Politics when they are the 97% who actually die at war"?

Same principle.

I've never really understood the visitors to hospital thing after the birth of a baby. Just wait until they're home! And even then only if invited. With my son, we made the conscious decision not to have anyone at hospital and asked for people to give us a couple of weeks to ourselves at home before descending on us, particularly as none of our family live locally and they would have to stay with us (which I truly couldn't be arsed with).
In the event, our son had to stay in SCBU for almost two weeks. When it was clear he was out of the woods, we let the in laws pop into hospital to meet him and my mum and dad visited once we were home. It worked out fine.
I'm pregnancy again and would have no hesitation in asking them to stay away again but unfortunately we need them for standby childcare for DS1.
Your baby, your body, your decision.

Ethelfleda- I had two babies-one 9lb9 and one 10lb 6. I was tired after both-labour isn't called labour for nothing! But in both cases, after a sleep and a bath I was happy to see visitors-I was excited to show off my baby and be told how clever I was. My mother first met dd when she was about 6 hours old, and my pil when she was 12 hours. We-and they-treasure the happy photographs. Hospital visits are brilliant-you don't have to do anything and they have to leave when visiting is over.
And no, I wasn't "lucky" - people who have an awful time of it are unlucky. You just don't ever hear about the normal, run of the mill births because they aren't interesting.

And I didn't feel vulnerable after my babies were born. I felt invincible!

Sadly it didn't last-but it was fab while it did!

Wow, nice abuse at LogicalPsycho, what a cohesive and intelligent argument.

I have to say that I find it ridiculous that some posters tried to turn it in to the patriarchy taking over, rather than an excited relative who is equally related to the new baby, wanting to visit the baby.

That's the anti MIL brigade though.

Of course it's a life changing moment for the father, and they will need support, but that's not why they're in hospital. They're there to support the mother, the patient.

If my DM was ill in hospital I'd need my DP, but not at her bedside if she'd feel less comfortable without.

I definitely was up to visitors, at the hospital, and every day after for a week or so. Not everyone is.

*Today 09:35 ethelfleda

• I am currently expecting my first and kind of wishing I hadn't read this smile But I am also trying to remain positive that I will be one of many women who are lucky enough to have a straight forward Labour! Perhaps I should stop reading though, just in case confused

I am not going to add my boring birth story to the other boring birth stories on here but it wasn't at all straightforward and I still felt pretty high afterwards for a good 12 hours.

One baby I delivered completely on my own, you will be fine .

I was tired after both-labour isn't called labour for nothing! But in both cases, after a sleep and a bath I was happy to see visitors

Good for you.

But OP thinks she won't be happy after a sleep and a bath. OP thinks she won't be feeling settled enough for visitors for a few days.

I had a traumatic birth and wasn't ready for visitors really that day, except my mum. But agreed to have my dad too, and then the PIL in the two visitor slots in the interests of "fairness". Although DP specifically said to PIL for it just to be them (it was a max of two people anyway, I was in a high-risk PN ward). They ignored that and brought (adult) SIL who sprung out from behind the curtain as a fucking "surprise". I was grey, awaiting a blood transfusion, fanjo full of fresh stitches, catheter in, sitting in a puddle of blood, unable to stand and hadn't slept in 48 hours. Not to mention the emotional trauma of having had my baby resuscitated.

Should I be lucky enough to be able to have another baby, PIL will not be invited to hospital at all. I'll have my mum come to helpme, and anyone else can wait until I am feeling stronger, be that hours later or days.

Angel PR makes no difference. The mother has final say over who visits when she is there with her newborn. Logical- the person who has given birth, however they identify, has final say over visitors. Even a surrogate with no biological link to the baby can veto the parents visiting.

I do sometimes wonder though, if the people who believe: "Men get a say in their newborns when they actually give birth", Also think, "Women get a say in Politics when they are the 97% who actually die at war"? Same principle.

This happens already. Have you noticed a lot of female head of military or female heads of state? I don't think men are in any danger of needing to take direction from women as far as warfare goes.

Also, as an aside, women and children are hugely affected by war, in a civilian capacity. LOTS of them die too. Or doesn't that count?

And I didn't feel vulnerable after my babies were born. I felt invincible! Absolutely, I felt like I could rule the world, create peace, end famine do anything. I had made this incredible human being and felt like people should be forming queues to worship him. Couldn't wait for visiting time to show him off. Mind you 40 years ago that seemed to be how everyone felt.

I feel like I could have written your post. My MIL is constantly going on about letting her know the minute I go in to labour so she can arrange cover at work. What the hell for i don't know as she only works 2 1/2 days a week and lives two mins down the road. But also I only want my partner with me and then I want 'us' time afterwards as it has been a long awaited for baby I don't want to only have a quick cuddle and already start sharing I want it all to be relaxed and just us. Once partner and I have had some
Good bonding time and I am all fresh again my mum will be coming up but she is my best friend I see her everyday without fail and we do so much together where as MIL only gets in contact when there's something in it for her so I don't feel as though I'm being out of order form making her wait until I'm ready. It hard I can see on partners face that it's hurting him to keep telling her but at the end of the day I'm not close to her and it's a very personal thing I'm going through so why would I want her coming straight up whilst I'm looking and feeling horrific and lounging in pjs. I plan to get home asap myself.

I can't get over this comment:
"You certainly will if you keep casting yourself as a victim, rather than a regular, everyday pregnant woman."

Oh aye, most people spend 15 hrs in labour, get stitched back up and crack right on with their day! Can you really not see why a woman might feel vulnerable when she's just experienced the most painful ordeal of her life, is passing blood clots the size of lemons, leaking colostrum, coping with blood loss and looking after a brand new tiny human??

Why be precious, possessive and selfish? Everyone loves to see a very new baby - especially the close relatives. On both sides!

I can't believe this thread. The OP is the patient here, of course she wants her mum rather than her MIL! I love my MIL but wouldn't want her there a few hours post-partum. Whilst some of you might feel invincible and marvellous lots of women will be knackered and completely wrapped up in their newborn. I know her DH is the baby's father but for the time OP is the patient in hospital, her needs have to come first. Imagine she's just had a bowel resection - would any of you be denying her right to have whomever she wants to visit at a vulnerable time?

Once mum and baby are home then of course it's reasonable for MIL to visit as long as she doesn't stay too long and exhaust the new mother, doesn't snatch the baby away for cuddles when the new mum is trying to breastfeed and is generally respectful (like most people are automatically - it's only occasionally you hear of batshit entitled MILs who feel their 'right' to cuddle their new DGC trumps the rights of the DGC's actual mother to hold her own baby and breastfeed).