To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

she's just experienced the most painful ordeal of her life Can we stop with the horror stories? For some women it might be painful and an ordeal for some it will be the most wonderful experience of their life and painless. Some women will achieve the painless by virtue of drugs and others because that is just how it is. My first birth was wonderful, I will tell you a secret I don't normally share, it was so wonderful I was orgasmic. I hope the midwife didn't realise but it wasn't painful, it was enjoyable, my baby was beautiful and there was no horror or pain. Maybe I was lucky, maybe the OP and all the other pregnant women who are getting scared by the horror stories will have as good a time as I did, I hope so.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered I'm far from a hippy but positive thinking and the placebo effect do count for something.

If you go into any setting saying "I will be vulnerable", "I am going to suffer", "This is going to be the worst thing I've ever done" then yes you are, and yes it will be.
Thinking like that also has a Catch 22 effect of increasing your adrenaline levels, which in turn can halt the progression of your labour.

Why is the only accepted post-birth expectation to be 'broken and vulnerable', and any woman who (as a PP said) wasn't the case for her at all is met with, "Well good for you " reaction.

Women are in competition for so much anyway, why does childbirth and postnatal expectation have to be the same?
Just to clarify I have given birth before, including 1 back-to-back labour with 3rd degree tearing. It was fucking hellish.

But once it was over I guess my endorphins were sky high or the pethidine was still active?! and like another pp, I felt invincible, and couldn't wait for both mine and DH's family to meet DD.
Obviously everyone is different, and if you read my subsequent post to the OP, I said that I am in total agreement that you don't have anyone there that you're uncomfortable with.

It does seem though that you aren't welcomed as a new mother in certain places, unless you're resolute in the belief that as new mothers we all have to be weeping, bleeding and in a vulnerable state. And if your personal experience was less than that trauma, then you're viewed as being smug or a goady fucker.

The women who do feel great after the birth are at just the same risk of PND in the future, and will definitely still have the same exhaustion levels in the first few months.
It doesn't open up the avenues of communication for them, if they are judged to be smug for not being sad, vulnerable and weepy enough in the first few days.

Also think, "Women get a say in Politics when they are the 97% who actually die at war"?

Psycho, what about 'People get a say in politics when they demonstrate an ability to understand and construct a cogent argument'?

Why be precious, possessive and selfish? Everyone loves to see a very new baby - especially the close relatives. On both sides!

The OP isn't being remotely 'precious, possessive and selfish'. She is not dementedly hoarding her baby and cackling over it like Scrooge, she is making a decision she feels, quite reasonably, will benefit her in the immediate post-natal period. The baby isn't going to go off within a few days like unrefrigerated fish if not immediately admired by all its relatives, and his/her mother will feel more functional with some time to recover and bond with her new baby.

I don't understand why this seems so controversial to some people. Maybe they had very easy, straightforward births. Maybe they didn't find suddenly being a mother for the first time overwhelming. Maybe they had fragrant private healthcare, rather than an overcrowded postnatal ward heated hotter than the surface of Mercury, and with no one to help you change a blood-sodden pad or figure out how you are supposed to BF with inverted nipples.

Or maybe they're the kind of people who are perfectly happy to take a dump in front of their ILs, or are delighted to play hostess sitting in lochia-stained sheets. Who knows?

Haworthy, I think your post is really rude and judgemental. I certainly wouldn't take a dump as you so beautifully put it, in front of my ILs or anyone else. I was in a rather run down NHS hospital when I had my first. An overcrowded ward with midwives run off their feet. However, I did have clean sheets and unless you think women should go into seclusion for a few days every months what the hell has a blood sodden pad got to do with anything?

No one has suggested that the OP should give birth in front of her MIL, show her what her stitches look like, or that her MIL should be allowed to visit within minutes of the delivery.

The OP's husband would like his mother to visit, presumably when the OP has had a chance to have a rest and washed and changed. Why do you want to make it into a horror story?

"Why is the only accepted post-birth expectation to be 'broken and vulnerable', and any woman who (as a PP said) wasn't the case for her at all is met with, "Well good for you hmm" reaction."

This. I would so hate to be a prospective first time mother reading Mumsnet....... birth is awful breastfeeding is awful, families are awful......

Yes of course all these things can be awful But they usually aren't.

Nope, bog standard NHS Hospital Labour Ward for me Haworthy, with a 30hr back-to-back labour and stitches.
I still felt human afterwards, and had visits from both PIL and my DM the next day.
I'm a private person and there was no way I'd be bleeding or feeding in front of PIL. It just worked out that I felt good and wanted everyone to see our baby.

But that was the right decision for me. It doesn't mean the woman in the next bed feels the same.
I'm with OP. Have who you want, when you want them.

Read a good article yesterday which seems appropriate. Quote"Unless you helped get the baby in there or have been hired to assist with getting the baby out, she is under no obligation to let you in (and even then, she is in full control of when and where you are welcome to be.)"

pregnantchicken.com/giving-birth-not-party

All OP should be concerned about when she goes into hospital is getting her baby into the world, not the etiquette of who should be on a guest list. It's not a social event. The whole extended family will have the baby's whole life to meet it and get to know it. They can wait a couple of days.

Actually ahedgehog some women do actually get up and get on with their day.

I had my second baby at 3 am, was home by lunchtime next day, washed her, put her down for a sleep and then took my son who was just 10 months old out for a walk.

3rd baby had her at ten pm on the friday, was home by noon next day and took my son and daughter out to the shops and a little walk. They were just 1 and 2. And then i went to work Monday morning!

So, your'e wrong there.

In the op she says, no visitors thats just how it is. She never wanted her mil there and dresses it up.

Appreciate we're not all the same, she'll be tired bla d bla.

This is ultimately YOUR call. Yes, your DH's feelings/opinions matter (and I do think you know this) but it's your body that will just have been through the trauma of birth and you who will be vulnerable. I think it's definitely up to you and hopefully dh can compromise and put you first. It sounds like you have been through an awful lot.
People are excited about the baby, understandably, but they can wait. I bet once they visit and see your little bundle for the first time any I'll feeling will be forgotten. Try not V to worry about it, OP, and enjoy your experience with your dh... It's a special time you only get once.

"What people are saying is that who visits you in hospital is personal choice. That is all."

No they aren' t. They are saying it should be a personal choice because [insert horror scenario here]. Which suggests that someone like me, with no horror story to tell, should have less choice.

However, I did have clean sheets and unless you think women should go into seclusion for a few days every months what the hell has a blood sodden pad got to do with anything?

My sheets were not clean, or even cleanish, after a little while, and as I'd had a CS and couldn't move my legs yet which also meant a shower was hours away the extremely blood sodden pad was leaking into the bed, not changed very often (for the same reason there wasn't a crack squad of ward attendants whipping new sheets onto my bed. Everyone was well-meaning, nice, concerned, and desperately overstretched.) All in all, it didn't contribute to me wanting to have visitors, especially after the lengthy non-progressing labour which preceded the CS. DS wasn't suddenly going to be an old story in a few days, and forgive me for prioritising my own preference for rest and privacy. I mean, knock your self out, have a rave at your bedside while you wait for the placenta to emerge or whatever takes your fancy, but don't knock anyone for choosing differently.

And to any first-timers reading this, despite the fact that my bed looked like an abattoir, my birth experience was actually fine, I just felt tired and dirty and in desperate need of some privacy to concentrate on DS.

MyheartbelongstoG are you me?

DD was born at 3am, I collected DS from Nursery at home time the same day, then went to Next to buy clothes for her as she had next to nothing

(I never found out the sex during pregnancy, and due to a previous previous pregnancy problem bringing on bad superstition with me, I was too afraid to buy anything beforehand)

What people are saying is that who visits you in hospital is personal choice. That is all."

No they aren' t. They are saying it should be a personal choice because [insert horror scenario here]. Which suggests that someone like me, with no horror story to tell, should have less choice

A million times yes to this.

Agree with you Op, when I had my first dc I had all my dp family around my bed whilst I was trying to breastfeed for the first time I felt very uncomfortable, next time I will either do the same as you or tell them to leave while I try feeding! I was young and embarrassed looking back I don't understand why the didn't leave.

To be clear to PPs who seem to have missed the point, I'm not saying that every woman will find birth hard or that no-one has a pleasant birth. However, I personally believe in being prepared - I'm due DC1 in 4 weeks, and whilst my midwife is happy with my plan for a birthing pool, hypnotism and possibly G&A, she has gently warned me to be prepared in case things don't go to plan. There's also a reason why, when a woman who's given birth is in an accident, they will often be asked to rate their pain where 0 is none and 10 is childbirth. So whilst I really am genuinely happy for those people who have lovely births, it's not unfeasible to suggest that, since OP doesn't know how she'll feel, she's sensible to put plans in place in case she's not up to hosting family hours after giving birth.

No they aren' t. They are saying it should be a personal choice because [insert horror scenario here]. Which suggests that someone like me, with no horror story to tell, should have less choice

I'm not saying this. I didn't have a horror story. I am saying that if you would rather not have visitors within a few hours of some other hospital procedure that leaves you uncomfortable/ tired/catheterised/stitched/ drugged, surely the fact that you have just had a baby rather than surgery doesn't mean that other people's desire to see the baby trumps your desire for privacy.

I mean, knock your self out, have a rave at your bedside while you wait for the placenta to emerge or whatever takes your fancy, but don't knock anyone for choosing differently.

^^ YY to this. It's disgraceful to lambasr another woman for her post-birth choices. We are all different and should be allowed to do what is best for us post-birth.

I think it's totally your choice who's in the delivery room but it's definitely wrong to exclude the ILs from the ward. Especially if your DH wants to show off his new child.

My exDPs mum snuck into the delivery room when I had my DD1 so I had little choice in the matter & didn't allow a repeat of that for my next births but I've always allowed visitors on the ward, even after my section when I was free bleeding on a mat on the bed & had a bag of my own pee on the floor

Logical - I could well be!

You just have to get on with it don't you.

Glad all was well with your little one.

If you go into any setting saying "I will be vulnerable", "I am going to suffer", "This is going to be the worst thing I've ever done" then yes you are, and yes it will be.

All the positive thinking in the world can't help you if somethign goes wrong and you have to have EMC, you hemorrhage, whatever.

Its terrible to tell people "ooooh if you just think positive you'll have a fab birth" cos basically you are saying people that have had difficulties just didn't try hard enough.

If only the people with still births had thought more positively? See how fucking idiotic and mean that is???????????

If your mum can't make it anyway then just say no visitors. We know you'd have your mum there if you could but MIL doesn't need to know that.
TBH I think most women would understand a girl's own mum is going to be her first choice.

I had so many visitors with my three babies. On my fourth (and a new DP) I put my foot down. No visitors except my DCs from previous relationship, sisters and my mum. We are all very very close.

It was the better experience for me, no worrying and stressing about making sure I was dressed and modest ( I haemorrhaged so had to be monitored and kept ally pads...lovely!) and a chance to relax before heading home to a line of excited family members! It kept me sane in all honesty and I was less overwhelmed. No baby blues ( im medically at risk to PND too)

Follow your own instinct OP.

Psycho In your opinion, it is 'definitely wrong' that MIL can't come into the ward whilst I'm feeling a whole range of things and care intensely about how I'm looking, all so she doesn't have to wait to see her grandchild for 48 hours, maybe less?