To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

I don't understand what it is about giving birth that makes people forget that the mother giving is a patient and is still a human being entitled to rights as to who witnesses their care in hospital or who visits them.

Yes they are having a baby that will be related to other people, the fact that in laws or the mothers family have a new member of the have that they want to meet as soon as they arrive into the world doesn't diminish the mothers right to choose who visits her in hospital.

In fact if OP was having any other medical treatment or stay in hospital, it wouldn't even be a second thought about who comes to visit her and when. She will be sore, tired, bleeding, possibly having to expose her breasts every hour while trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, getting to know the tiny little person and get her head round the fact she's just made a person!

Birth is not a spectator sport!!!

YANBU OP. Mother's and father's wishes may be equal in parenting in general, but are definitely not in childbirth and the post-partum period. The DF has not just gone through labour and delivery, is not bleeding heavily, does not have his internal organs making their way back to their usual position after having been pushed out of the way by a baby for months, is not having to breastfeed regularly (constantly?!) to establish a good milk supply for his baby. He usually gets to go home at night and get a full night's sleep during an extended hospital stay while the mother attends to her newborn alone. Yes it is a time to be selfish. Your wishes and the needs of your new baby come first. You only get to do childbirth a few times in your life; do it how you want to.

YANBU. You've had a horrific time with previous pregnancies and your MIL isn't someone you feel comfortable being around at such an incredibly sensitive time.

As you say, you own mum won't be able to visit you in hospital anyway, so it's not as if your MIL is actually being snubbed. I'm really pleased your DH is being supportive - and most of all, best of luck with the birth and enjoy your time with your beautiful new baby when s/he arrives! :)

Yanbu especially given all you've been through.

Why can't people wait a few days? My in laws had no choice too, they had bad flu. Despite being desperate to see their first rainbow grandbaby, they waited until completely well. They (and my parents) already knew I didn't want anyone visiting me in hospital even though I ended up staying a few days and respected that before the flu.

I didn't want anyone visiting me when I had a nasty appendectomy, let alone having given birth.

Some people do feel vulnerable after any surgery or hospital stay, let alone one involving lots of bleeding after, possibly after effect pain and stitching, dizziness, nausea, desperation to establish breastfeeding and the sudden 'shit it's a actual baby' responsibility some get.

Some don't. Some decide to still have visitors despite.

But it's their choice and none is wrong or right.

Forcing them into a choice that could be bad for their mental health, or upset them or make them feel any way uncomfortable would be wrong.

"I think your being a tad selfish.
What if dh said well I'm comfortable around my mother not yours....."

If OP's DH was in hospital, with an indwelling catheter hanging off his penis and a urine bag at the side of the bed, stitches up his arse, barely able to move his legs, needing help to shower and toilet, exposed, sore and vulnerable, I am sure the OP and any person with a neuron would think it normal he would want his mum, and not his MIL, with him.

Excuse me but why is it ok for your Mum to be there but not your husband's Mum? What about HIS wishes? The support your Mum can give you, do you not think his Mum could give him? YABVVVVVU

It is NOT just your decision love!

And????? Nobody is going to come in until she's out of surgery and had something to eat and a sleep etc etc. Not exactly suggesting MIL is stood watching over the birth itself is it?

If you knew how horrific my Labour was with my DD and how soon my visitors were you'd be shocked! But that's another story

Why does the husband need support?

If you had a horrific labour then immediate visitors surely that would make you more sympathetic to the op, not less!

I'm not trying to be insensitive but I get the feeling that OP is acting like she's the first person to ever have a baby! I feel she is forgetting that MIL (and poss other females visiting) have been through this themselves.... Uneventful births are rarer than most realise. But the majority of the recovery (MOST OF THE TIME - Note I said MOST) is fairly quick.

BECAUSE HE HAS BECOME A FATHER AND PROBABLY SPENT THE PAST FAIR FEW HOURS SHITTING HIMSELF!!!!!

SilkyBear - My visitors were there for ten mins max. I had a cover over me and despite being torn to shreds after Forceps and unable to move from the waist down and being sat in blood & covered in jet black bruises from Canulas, I was happy to show my baby off. I know my DP was really glad to see a happy familiar face too, having just spent 76 hours in the hospital.

Different strokes for different folks though I guess.

Wow. I feel bad your DH. What a caring wife he has.......

I'm actually sat here GOBSMACKED at the previous comment saying "Why does her husband need support?" Wow. Just wow......

Oh honestly. The idea that new fathers need equivalent support to new mothers is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous.

I hear over and over how "stressful" it is to see someone you love go through childbirth and not be able to help them. Well, sorry, it's significantly worse to go through ACTUAL childbirth, so the mother is the one who gets to decide how the birth and post birth time will be.

As he has not pushed a new person out a very small hole with the attendant physical exhaustion, blood and hormonal avalanche I imagine the new father will manage to cope without his mummy there.

OP I delayed post-baby visitors for as long as possible. I think you're being very sensible. People want to see the baby, I understand that, but your recovery is important and childbirth can feel like you've been hit by a truck so it's wise to not expose yourself to unnecessary stress. The baby will still be new and tiny when you get home, no one is going to miss anything if they don't see the baby immediately.

Yanbu

Your birth your choice.

And as for some questioning why you would be vulnerable or stop seeing yourself as a victim - when the OP has said about her previous losses....how are people so bloody ignorant

Yanbu
I made it clear I didn't want visitors at hospital unless it was clear we would be in for the long haul.
I was annoyed when my mum turned up.
We were discharged 10:30pm - people insisted on turning up the next day from 10:00 onwards. Either announced or unannounced. I couldn't sit, was starving, trying to establish feeding. I didn't want to see them.
My MILsmokes. I didn't want her holding my baby. I also did not want her parents there. They were not nice or supportive during my pregnancy. I was still feeling quite angry about it. I have slightly moved on.

Stick to your guns OP. Next time my partner and I have agreed no visitors for two weeks unless they can behave. Which they can't.

To all those people moaning about future grandchildren well maybe we might respect our children's needs and wishes and stand aside. Babies are lovely, they are gorgeous and squishy but the first few weeks are so important in developing bonds with parents, establishing feeding (bf or ff) getting over the shock that I really hope that even though it might be hard I will remember this.

Imagine your ds has a wife in 30 years time and they are having their first baby/your first grandchild. She does not want you there. Her mother is welcome but you are not. Nor is your daughter, who has always been close to her brother and is so excited about her new nephew. You realise that this is how it will be, held at a distance from your adored baby's baby. How devastating would that be?

Not devastating at all. I wouldn't expect to be there tbh. Maybe if we were particularly close and she asked for the support but otherwise no. I'd expect my DS/her DH to be there and possibly her DM if they were close.

The whole family doesn't need to be at the birth. Yes, I'd be impatient to see my grandchild but would only think it fair to wait a few days to let the new mother bond/recover from a major physical event before she needed to worry about anyone else.
Putting it off a few days until the mother is ready and recovered isn't going to have any negative impact on a grandparents relationship with a grandchild.

To all those who keep going on about the devastating effect of the mother being welcome but not the MIL= THE OP HAS TOLD US REPEATEDLY THAT THE DM IS NOT GOING TO BE THERE SO PRESUMABLY THE MIL WILL NEVER FIND OUT THAT SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN WELCOME

And as far as I am aware, the OP's dh is not going to be bed bound with blood streaming out of his private parts and on call to feed a small human being from his own body- if he needs his mother's support, surely he is perfectly capable of meeting up with her for a cup of coffee or even lunch somewhere? Or have a long chat on the telephone?

I think I am a very caring wife. But I did not believe dh was physically incapacitated by my giving birth. He could get out and about and meet any relatives he wanted.

It's your choice OP. Absolutely. However in your MILs shoes I think I would be hurt if I knew your mum would have been invited if she lived closer.

I don't know why you bothered posting, you've made up your mind and you don't agree with any one with a different opinion.