To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

I totally understand how you feel and IMO you are perfectly within your rights to say this. You will be the patient, not your DH so if you don't want visitors then it's your call. When I had both my children I was very clear that I only wanted my Mum or DH visiting, not the IL's. My DH supported my wishes on this. My IL's weren't happy, but I'm afraid as far as I was concerned, tough.

Stitch in RL I haven't known anyone who for want of a better word was precious about receiving visitors after giving birth. In reality with friends and relatives of mine I have sent a text asking if they wanted anything bringing in and if I could visit. There was no preciousness about who could or couldn't visit. No restrictions or stress.

Just to clarify, our maternity department doesn't have a waiting room or any such other things.

Visitors come into the ward during visiting times, and that's it.

Bert, if your DS told you his DP didn't want anyone coming to the hospital while she was recovering from childbirth, would you disregard her wishes because he said he couldn't wait to show you the baby?

I think it's unkind to exclude auntie and grannie. It will hurt them and I don't think it's necessary to hurt them. But if you know differently then do what you think is best.

DH was more than happy to let me take the lead on what happened during and after I had given birth to our sons.

That didn't make me the boss it just made him a decent supportive partner.

Today we co-parent but for that short space of time he had no problem putting me and my needs and wants first.

He also makes fabulous packed lunches.

Constance, would you have regarded your friends/relatives as "precious" if they responded that they did not want you to visit until they got home?

I really don't get the whole descending on the hospital thing, YNBU at all, OP! Everyone bar DH visited at home when we were showered and rested and happy!

Me neither mctat. We did the same.

I guess it would depend on the reason.

I had my family visit at the hospital and wouldn't have let the ILs come within a mile of me and my babies. Happy to be precious.

Yep that sounds precious stitch.

Couldn't care less, my ILs are not nice people.

I'll never forget watching my husbands face as he handed his first born to his mother. It would have been unkind and thoughtless of me to make him wait days for that moment. Serious illness and numerous previous operations made my births difficult and the days after pretty horrible but the joy of both our families far outweighed me wanting to ban anybody from visiting us. I know everybody is different but to be so unthinking of your partner and his family is plain selfish.

Couldn't care less, my ILs are not nice people.

And you sound just as lovely

Can you point out where any one has suggested otherwise?

The bit where it has been repeatedly suggested that while the mother has a shower, the father could take the baby out to the (mostly mythical) waiting area for the (somehow magic number) five minute visit with absolutely no chance that it might be lengthened, oh no

The PP mentioned that in her situation, times like 'when she was having a shower' was when she needed her DH's help.

So he has a choice. Prioritise his mother's wishes, prioritise his own wishes, or prioritise his partner's wishes, where those things conflict.

In this case (and in this case and not the entirety of their lives together, for the hard of thinking 'poor mens!' posters on this thread), the woman who has just given birth should be the priority.

Well they aren't nice people, it's just a fact. Thankfully DP is even more against them being around our kids than I am so it isn't an issue.

DH was more than happy to let me take the lead on what happened during and after I had given birth to our sons.

That didn't make me the boss it just made him a decent supportive partner.

Today we co-parent but for that short space of time he had no problem putting me and my needs and wants first.

This! DH also pretty much kept me alive and did the lion's share of parenting DS1 while I had hyperemesis with DS2. When his sister complained that we weren't visiting as much as previously (or as much as she deemed appropriate), he prioritised his ill wife. Ditto after I'd given birth to his ten pound giant child lovely second son. At other times in our marriage, he has been the priority and other things - including me and my own parents - come second.

Part of partnership is recognising those times when your own needs and wants are less important.

(He is distinctly average at packed lunches but does a jolly good stir fry.)

When I had mine, I didn't really pay attention to who else had visitors unless they were being loud. I certainly never thought to feel sorry for other mothers - kinda busy hurting and bleeding and trying to recover enough to get tubes out of my arms and go home.

FIL met my eldest in the car as he drove us home the day after - never came or even wanted to be in the hospital - and MIL met us back at the house, they met my other kids when they were at least 3-4 weeks old at their suggestion. MIL always talked of having been in for weeks 'as was done at the time' and disliking how her MIL had acted during that time which might be part of it - or maybe just our shared hatred of being in hospitals. I'd like to hope I am as relaxed as she seemed if any of mine have kids, I certainly appreciated it along with my spouse's focus during that time.

I guess it would depend on the reason.
What about "I've just given birth, I'm bleeding, lactating, been stitched, categorised, knackered, sore and don't want you to visit right now"? Is that a good enough reason or would that be "precious" of her?

Nobody I know talks like that. It would be more like " I'm fucked can we give visiting a miss " which my reply would be "of course".

I've been reading this thread with great empathy for the OP. Thinking we were totally on the same page, I mentioned the thread to my DH, who replied that MIL would expect to be waiting outside delivery room and arriving in immediately afterwards, and that she certainly would not tolerate my DM meeting her grandchild so much as one minute before her (DM will be concerned about me, bumping into grandchild being incidental to this)! MIL has previously "casually" noted that "some women have their MILs in the delivery suite these days, it's a new trend" (!) but I thought DH was with me on the issue...

DH is very close to his family, but I think immediately after the birth is just asking too much. Plus he expects his 4 siblings in on day of birth also (lovely people, but two male, one of whom is very reserved - I won't be having my own father in as wouldn't be comfortable with fluids everywhere)... AAAAH!

Sorry to hijack but I empathise OP, and feel a bit sick, thanks for this thread as it's at least given me some warning that I need to organise a trip to Honolulu...!

Well of course, women tend to be pretty fucked after childbirth. So why is it "precious" for them say they don't want visitors?

Part of partnership is recognising those times when your own needs and wants are less important.

Exactly, and I think it's important for women, in particular, to allow/expect their needs to be put first in those times without this pressure not to be seen as 'precious' and 'difficult'.

This uncompromising effort to keep things 'equal' and 'fair' really gets in the way of common sense sometimes.