To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

That's not the question I asked. I asked why the woman"s absolute right to decide who visits her and when extends to her having the absolute right to say who is allowed to see the baby and when.

Yes that's true Jassy. Sounds like the MIL doesn't care much for the Op for whatever reason.

Because she will have come through the physical trauma of childbirth, the one who is experiencing the flood of postnatal hormones and needs the reassurance of her DP and needs to recover how she chooses.

So any behaviour, however unreasonable, is absolute fine. How long post partum does this freedom go on for?

said, the mother has the last say in who gets to see her but you seem to be making it into a drama. Your dh has said no problem, so why start a thread about it

Because he didn't say no problem before I actually started the thread?

Well if the in-laws are entitled fuckwits who believe that their wants and impatience is more important than the needs of their DiL who has just given birth, then possibly for the rest of their lives.

Well, if the in laws are entitled fuckwits, then yes, you have a problem.

If, however, the baby's father actually wants to show his baby to his parents? Who are not entitled fuckwits, but would love to pop into the hospital if he invites them?

Does that make him the entitled fuckwit?

The only one who's needs should be taken care of indefinitely is the patient - the mother

You will have had a baby not brain surgery, FFS. Way too precious, your poor DH and MiL.

Dunno Bert, maybe you should start a thread about such a hypothetical scenario.

Quick response from me to pengwwwn as battery about to die.

More than once this concept of bonding has been mentioned. There's biological bonding and there's bonding through the lifetime that mother and child will spend together. Nobody is suggesting tearing an hours old baby out of a breastfeeding mother's arms to go meet people (although that's almost what my MIL did do with my firstborn - she wasn't breastfeeding but she was hours old). Biological bonding through skin to skin, gazing at your newborn etc etc - this isn't a necessary medical procedure which will DEFINITELY result in better, well, anything for mother or baby. It's an instinctive, hormonal, gradual thing which may or may not happen, depending on each mother and each baby, and which may or may not result in anything. "Bonding" is so often trotted out as A Thing, like changing a dressing or physiotherapy or some other medical procedure. Bonding is not a magical unicorn fairy happening under a rainbow which must be completed within the first 48 hours of life. It's just falling in love with your baby. It can withstand a lot, if it needs to happen at all.

Honestly, I GUARANTEE, a mother's bond with her baby will not be even remotely affected by the father taking the baby to meet his parents for half an hour oooh some 24 or 36 or 48 hours after it's been born. (Of course excepting special circumstances, as ever).

MN is full of examples of the damage done to relations by any family member at any time (childbirth, birthdays, Christmas, weddings -everything) DEMANDING to be put first and damn everyone else's feelings. Honestly, 30 mins while you rest or shower or eat or check your phone or meet the nurses or whatever - so little to give, so much to gain. Is it really worth stomping your feet and chanting "me me me!" over?

It's obviously your choice but really, I've always found it best to get as many people trucking through the hospital as I can so I don't have to worry about hosting them at home.

Hospital visitis are shorter, there are rules, you don't have to clean up/tidy for them or make tea etc.

If you are in for a long time - I was held captive for five days with my first one - then they are also mind numbingly boring and you might be begging for everyone on you've ever met to find 20 minutes in their day to come and visit you.

Go with what/how you feel at the time but I wouldn't completely rule hospital visits out.

I asked why the woman"s absolute right to decide who visits her and when extends to her having the absolute right to say who is allowed to see the baby and when.

I think it does, as long as they are both hospital inpatients, and there are conflicting wishes - the father's to have the baby meet his parents, the mother's to have the baby stay on the ward and to be in control of when she can see/hold/feed it next while it is an extreme newborn. I suspect issues of how much she trusts her in laws to stick to a very short visit, the ability of her partner to stand up to his parents and other fakctors would affect that discussion but, if intractable, I think the mother's needs and wants here trump the father's.

This is all entirely theoretical for me as we had no family even asking to visit!

You will have had a baby not brain surgery, FFS. Way too precious, your poor DH and MiL.

Can I first suggest you read all of the OP's posts.

Then you might reflect on the women for whom pregnancy and childbirth have life-threatening complications, those who have life-changing injuries from childbirth, those who are disabled as a result, and those mothers and babies who do not survive it.

Then you might try to show a little awareness, empathy and compassion before making such blasé idiotic statements another time.

All over the world women are having babies daily its nothing new. Passive aggressively high-handing DH's mother in "I've got your grandchild to hold over your head now" fashion. Then months down the line being upset that MIL isn't hands-on enough with baby ie you're supposed to be helping when I dictate need it. I've seen that happen a couple of times. Like who you like or don't, have the visitors you prefer. I think thats fine as long as the person you don't want around or are secretly seething at, isnt expected to jump to it simply because you''ve had a baby. In the same way they shouldn't expect to automatically be a welcome visitor

Why would a woman say no to that

Because they've had previous children or seen the 15000 other posts where a poster had to wait an hour for the mil and fil to give back the baby.

It's just really not a big deal to wait a couple days. If people think the mother is being precious, so what. Can t you be "precious" this one time in your life?

I wouldn't want my MIL visiting me in hospital and, thankfully, my dh accepts that the people who are patients in this scenario are the baby and me. As the baby doesn't have an opinion yet, I get to decide. If it was my dh who had just been through 22 hours of labour, umpteen stitches, had milk flowing out of his chest and blood still in his hair, he could choose. And as for taking my baby out of my sight.... ummmm, no. Come back to me in a month and I might consider it.

On the other hand, my mother did visit - no-one else from my family, just my mother. It's just different. She gave birth to me, has looked after me through illnesses, helped me shower after operations, held my hand when I've had general anesthetics. If dh was in hospital I would totally understand him wanting his own mother to visit - if he wanted my mother to visit, I would assume that he had gone mad!

And as the mother of a boy, I totally accept that my future DIL is likely to feel the same way which is why I'm hoping for a girl this time around.

"It's just really not a big deal to wait a couple days"

I agree. It isn't. But what if the baby's father doesn't want to?

It's no wonder some women have a problem with their DILs with attitudes like yours LorelaiVictoriaGilmore.

Some people are utterly ridiculous, blinkered and short-sighted, intolerant and self-centred. I forgot self-important. If they don't watch it no one will want to visit them anyway.

Op yanbu.

My mil did come to visit at hospital but I wish I hadn't invited her. She stuck her finger in the mouth of my 1 day old son. Then as she was leaving, ds wanted a feed so when she was at the curtain with her back turned I was attempting to latch him. She realised what I was doing and said 'ooooh I want to see him feed' came back in and shoved her face right next to my boob.
I was mortified and did feel very vulnerable, I was in pain, had had an awful labour and birth, stitches and struggling badly to feed a very sore baby.
I wish it was ok for woman to talk about their needs and vulnerabilities a bit more in pregnancy and after childbirth instead of everyone expecting them to suck it up to be 'fair' or to not look like a 'snowflake' or to be able to tell someone actually you don't want them pawing your newborn after having a fag without the risk of being called 'precious'.
We might not have so many women with pnd and anxiety if it was ok to just be honest about what we need and especially for other women to be a bit kinder to each other.

I agree. It isn't. But what if the baby's father doesn't want to?

Well if he's not a total arse he might stop for five seconds and let the person who just gave up cheese, raw eggs, booze and fags for nine months to make HIM and her a human what she wants for 3 day.

Men are so preoccupied with leading their newborn around like a fish but convienently forgot about all that when it comes to washing up, nappies, sleepless nights, child maintenance, there's a literal lifetime for men to worry about.

Parading it around! I wouldn't lead around a fish

I like Smitff's post. Sensible stuff.

Me too, best post on here.