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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

640 replies

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:25

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit Hmm at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

OP posts:
ArsenicNLace · 11/07/2017 08:56

I do feel sad every time I read threads like this. As the mother of 2 sons it's clear that paternal grandparents seem to be treated as second class grandparents.

JassyRadlett · 11/07/2017 09:05

As the mother of 2 sons it's clear that paternal grandparents seem to be treated as second class grandparents.

In the days immediately after the birth, yes. Because it's not just about the baby, it's about the woman who has just given birth, and the best way to support her.

It baffles me that people can't see this and become so myopic about their status. And I'm also the mother of two boys who will never have a daughter.

Sparklingbrook · 11/07/2017 09:09

I am the mum of two boys, no daughter. If they ever have children I will await my invitation to meet the baby. There's no rush is there? Confused

BasketOfDeplorables · 11/07/2017 09:32

I had my PIL visit the day I gave birth as I thought it would mean a lot to them. Their daughter had no visitors for the first week and a bit. They are probably closer to their daughter's child so that delay in meeting obviously didn't have any negative effects.

It was no problem for me, despite the fact that they were only interested in the baby and I'd rather have got some sleep at that point, rather than making small talk. But if you don't think you'll feel up to that, fine. I know lots of people who didn't let anyone know they were in labour because they didn't want relatives bothering them or turning up. They only let anyone know a few hours after the baby was born. They thought I was mad asking my mum to be at the birth!

It's the 'fairness' stuff that annoys me. DP's relationship with his parents is his business, and my parents are my department. The families have different dynamics and levels of closeness, and it's not a competition.

wondering23 · 11/07/2017 09:36

The new mother and the baby are the patients. The baby has no idea, so it is down to the new mother to have final say.

It is not a competition as to who sees the baby first, it is about support for the OP when she has just given birth. If she feels more comfortable with her own DM there than her MIL that is perfectly understandable.

The baby will still be a cute tiny newborn when it is 48 hours old. Of course MIL is entitled to be excited to see her new grandchild, but she is a grown woman and can exercise a bit of patience to make the woman who has made the grandchild possible feel at ease.

I have a lovely MIL and we get on very well, but for me (and probably many others) there is no one like your own DM and that's that. My MIL will be very excited to see her first DGC (due in the next week or so) but would completely understand if my own DM was on the scene first.

Don't make any firm plans OP. Hopefully you have a really straightforward birth and you might want visitors in the hospital. If not, it is down to your DH to tell your MIL (and anyone else, on his side of the family or yours) what the arrangements for seeing the baby are.

Good luck, hope it goes well.

ConstanceCraving · 11/07/2017 09:42

It's the 'fairness' stuff that annoys me. DP's relationship with his parents is his business, and my parents are my department. The families have different dynamics and levels of closeness, and it's not a competition.

But they're his children too right?

Dixiestamp · 11/07/2017 09:47

Personally speaking, my DM and MIL came in together to see me and DD on the morning I had given birth. I was feeling rough but glad to see them - I have a good relationship with both. I was poorly after a c section with complications but it was the baby they were there to see, really!

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2017 09:48

Cordiality can wait. Recovery comes first and so it should. I can't believe the anti-woman bullshit on this thread. Giving birth is hard. How she spends the first 24-48 hours post partum is her decision. Sleep, eat, establish feeding, have visitors, don't have visitors, bathe, it is her decision to make.

I don't understand why other women seem to think the mother's wants at this stage are less significant than the father or his mother, or her mother or anyone else who didn't give birth that day.

BasketOfDeplorables · 11/07/2017 09:50

Of course, Constance. What I mean is how often he wants to text his mum with what DD's up to is up to him and I don't interfere, and it's got nothing to do with how much I talk to my own mum.

When DP goes away with work I might go to visit my mum. PIL aren't then owed a visit in the interest of fairness.

Ameliablue · 11/07/2017 09:55

I don't think the mother's feelings are less important than other people's. However I don't think the mother is the only person who needs to be considered.

TuckMyWin · 11/07/2017 09:55

I'm with you on this OP. And I say that as someone who did have visitors, and wasn't particularly fussed by them. After the birth of my ds I was severely anaemic, and having iron transfusions. I had visitors during one of the transfusions, during which time the iron leaked into my skin and my arm blew up like the elephant man. I had to have doctors come and sort that out. I was trying to breastfeed my severely tongue tied ds and out of respect to me my visitors kept leaving me to it when he needed feeding. Which was all the time. I was white as a sheet and frankly, not very well. I didn't mind the visitors because, frankly, I had bigger things to worry about, like the physical state I was in and keeping another small human alive. But looking back it would have been more appropriate, and, honestly, enjoyable for all, if those visitors had met my ds for the first time when I was less of a state.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2017 09:57

The mother's needs are way more important than anyone who didn't give birth in the previous 24-48 hours, unless there is someone dying in the next two days.

Nelly5678 · 11/07/2017 10:04

It's his birth of his child too. On principal if you have your mum there then she should be too, not like you're pushing with her in the room. However as your mum isn't there then it's fair not to have his

Bunlicker · 11/07/2017 10:13

It's his birth of his child too. On principal if you have your mum there then she should be too, not like you're pushing with her in the room. However as your mum isn't there then it's fair not to have his

When he pushes the baby out of his vagina he can choose the audience.

At the conception the chose the audience even though they were just making the baby. They decided it was about them. Now she's performing a solo act she chooses the audience.

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2017 10:14

"On principal if you have your mum there then she should be too, not like you're pushing with her in the room. However as your mum isn't there then it's fair not to have his"

I think it's perfectly fine to decide who you want to be visited by and when. I just don't think it's fine to say the baby's father can't let his parents have a quick meet of the baby if he wants to.

And I also think all the stuff about mil's inspecting vulvas and boobs and catheters and so on is just silly.

Helendee · 11/07/2017 10:14

Someone said it's perfectly normal to not feel the same way about your MIL as you do your own DM and that's absolutely correct but there is no need to behave as if one is less important.

I have one DIL and two DILs to be and I love all three of them but not in the same way as my own DD; however when I am with them I treat them exactly the same advice my own daughter and would never dream of doing otherwise. If we are going on a special trip or break I always invite everyone along as I know how hurtful it is to be treated as unimportant.

Courtesy and just being nice really isn't difficult.

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2017 10:16

And just to be clear. Meeting the baby in the waiting room outside the ward is not the same as being present for the birth.

grannytomine · 11/07/2017 10:25

If anyone tried to take my newborns away from me in the early days I would've felt like stabbing them in the face.
I've had shitloads of babies and aren't precious in the least but a mother and newly delivered child are a dyad that evolution has designed to stick together. Lucky you that your baby didn't have to get taken to SCBU or theatre then. Or that you didn't give birth 40 years ago when you were given no choice about baby being taken to nursery while mum had a rest. Are you seriously saying that in the days after the baby was born you were never separated? You took the baby in the shower with you? You took the baby to the loo with you? You never let the father hold him? 5 minutes while you have a shower, eat a meal, change your nightie or go to the loo and your husband/partner just takes the baby to the door to show the grandmother.

Not one person has suggested that the visitors should come into the delivery room, see you naked or run off for hours with the baby. Get a bit of perspective.

grannytomine · 11/07/2017 10:26

Who said the grandmother wanted to be an audience to the big event, she wants to see the baby after the delivery not while the pushing is going on. Comparing watching conception to wanting to meet a child after it is born is quite sick.

grannytomine · 11/07/2017 10:28

How awkward would it be if his mum was on a 12 month round the world trip. Would the baby be kept in a locked, dark room for a year?

stitchglitched · 11/07/2017 10:30

Can babies be taken off the ward to a waiting room? I would have thought that could be a security risk. Not to mention potentially distressing to exhausted women badgered into letting their newborn be away from them before they are ready. How about the relative just waits a couple of days to see them?

grannytomine · 11/07/2017 10:32

I do feel sad every time I read threads like this. As the mother of 2 sons it's clear that paternal grandparents seem to be treated as second class grandparents. It does seem like that in lots of cases, in my case I see more of the GC than the maternal GM does even though my son and DIL aren't together any more. The other side of it is when people come on moaning that their MIL favours her daughter's children. I wonder why that happens?

Sparklingbrook · 11/07/2017 10:33

What is this 'waiting room'? I don't think there was such a thing when I had my two. The thought of people waiting in a room for someone to give birth is a bit Hmm.

grannytomine · 11/07/2017 10:33

Why would a baby with its father be at any risk? They don't need to go off the ward, just out of mum's room into the corridor for a few minutes.

stitchglitched · 11/07/2017 10:35

I've only seen this 'waiting room' on Friends and American films where everyone sets up camp for hours/days whilst the woman gives birth.

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