To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

Aren't there two different things here "I don't want any visitors"- perfectly reasonable. "I don't want anyone else to meet the baby" Perhaps less reasonable?

Visitors in hospital are easier to deal with as the visits are time limited. When visitors come to your home they sometimes outstay their welcome! Why not just allow your in laws a quick visit to.meet baby in hospital on the proviso that they don't visit for the first week home. IMO that is a harder time than the short stay in hospital and I hated being caught out when I wasn't dressed !

"A line of relatives at the door insisting on their right to meet my child before I had even had a chance to shower, let alone bond with her? "

AND there we go again.

Baby's father taking baby to meet his family in the waiting room for 5 minutes becomes a line of relatives at the door demanding instant access.

To me it seems you're using this birth as an opportunity to put your PILs in their place.

Visiting a new baby in hospital is exciting and feels like a privelage for close family. So you're choosing to put a big fat wedge between you, your husband and Mum and your in laws. Making them fully aware of what position they hold in your life.

Lots of women give birth every day, they also manage to enjoy visitors for half an hour afterwards as they enjoy sharing their new baby with the immediate family. They're not fixated on how 'vulnerable' they'll be feeling, to the point of not being able to see another person

I think a lot of DILs claim that their MILs are difficult, which they very may well be. But I actually think they are very glad as it gives them a reason to not bother with their mil/the whole in laws.
In other words, some women don't want to bother with their MILs either way, but when the mil is a "difficult" person they hide behind this as being the reason. After all, it's more difficult to avoid their mil when she is a lovely person isn't it?

She said she's not having ANY visitors, not just stopping MIL from seeing the baby.

As others have said, play it by ear and see how you feel, don't be pressured into having her there when you don't know how the labour will go etc.

I certainly don't think anyone is using Labour and childbirth as a way to score points against their PIL! My MIL is lovely and we get on really well but I don't feel 100% comfortable around her like I do my DH. I also feel this way about my own mom - I love her dearly but I'm not 100% comfortable around her either - she assumed she would allowed at the hospital for the birth but I said no absolutely not. My DH is the only person I want there and the only person who really truly knows me.

I agree with Pengggwn here and I can't understand why she - or anyone else - is even having to defend their feelings on the subject.

No reason at all why you should feel about your mil about her the same way as you feel about your own mum. Why would you?

What's so special about childbirth that the base instincts of a woman who's just given birth should be revered and given precedence over everything else, when that's not the case elsewhere in life?

Because she has just gestated the baby for nine months and then given birth, both of which have significant physical, mental and emotional impacts.

When any parent or parent in law (or, frankly, partner) has risked permanent disability or death and gone through the often quite extreme process of giving birth - whether vaginally or via major abdominal surgery - then their needs and wants have equal weight.

I am baffled by the minimisation of pregnancy and birth and the view that it is more reasonable to ignore the wishes of the person who is recovering from pregnancy and birth, who may be trying to establish breastfeeding and form an immediate bond with her baby, than to do likewise and ignore the wishes of non-immediate relatives to not visit her and meet the baby on their own preferred timetables.

I'd go further and suggest that the person who has just done pregnancy and birth actually has the right to be a little bit selfish immediately after giving birth.

I'm the mother of two boys. Neither my mother nor my MIL would have dreamed of suggesting their desire to meet my children was more important than my desire to recover quietly, without visitors and without having the baby removed from me. Neither sees me as a walking womb, you see, whose function is complete once the baby is removed from her body and can be safely ignored until the next grandchild is incoming.

As it happens, the question didn't arise as we live quite distant from all family.

I'm guessing there's a huge back story here but without knowing it I can see why some people might think you abu

As someone else said, how would you feel in 30 years time if you weren't allowed to visit your grandchild and your dil spoke about you in the same way.

Whilst I agree that you should have the final say on who comes to see you at the hospital the language you are using is very hostile, you seem to be spoiling for a fight.

And the reason why people have commented on the fact that your mil won't see your fanjo is because you're the one who kept going on about it.

I hope all goes well for you.

I often think that where there's a difficult MIL there's an equally difficult DIL.

Spad When DS has a child, I will patiently wait to be invited to see said child and not intrude, just like I don't want to be intruded on until I'm ready?

My feelings wouldn't trump my DIL's.

I didn't keep going on about my fanjo at all actually. I made one comment, to give an example of how comfortable I was around my DM - That example was her seeing me starkers at anytime and me not caring an ounce. That's the level of comfort I feel around her.

I didn't say my fanjo would be out if MIL visited whilst I was on the ward

Not necessarily a difficult dil. But a mil and dil who haven't for whatever reason sorted out the dynamics of their relationship. Sometimes both people really like each other, and that's fantastic. But there is absolutely no reason why they should actively like each other. Would you expect two women of completely different generations, possibly different backgrounds, education, life experience -different everything who met under any other circumstances to become best friends? No, you wouldn't. So it's just a matter of being cordial, and remembering that your mil's primary relationship within your nuclear family is going to be with your dp and the children. Why wouldn't it be? Just as your mother's primary relationship will be with you and the children. Presumably you wouldn't like it if your dp mediated your mother'relationship with your children? But it seems that a lot of women do mediate their mil's relationship with her son and grandchildren.

As someone else said, how would you feel in 30 years time if you weren't allowed to visit your grandchild and your dil spoke about you in the same way.

In what way? For my part, if a future DIL said she didn't feel as comfortable around me or as close to me as with her own mother, and asked me to delay meeting my grandchild for a day or two while she recovered a bit, I hope I'd have the emotional continence to deal with that fact.

I think OP has been pretty measured considering her MIL's reaction to the pregnancy was to call the baby's father a 'fucking idiot'. Which of her comments were you referring to?

But it seems that a lot of women do mediate their mil's relationship with her son and grandchildren.

But to be fair, Bertrand, quite a few male partners and mothers in law seem to expect women to mediate that relationship, from both my own experiences and what I've read on MN. It's a significant part of wifework.

Pengggwn

I'm not particularly talking about when a woman has just given birth because in that instance the mothers views trumps everyone else's. I'm referring to the thousands of posters who come on MN who have problems with their MIL. I often think there are issues with both women and this site doesn't help anyone with an issue because the majority of the time the advice given will be in favour of the DIL therefore giving a lobsided answer.

BertrandRussell your last post is spot on.

Why on earth would she see you starkers? You are allowed to wear clothes in hospital you know. And yes, you did mention your mil seeing your fanjo several times, that's why it's was picked up on.

As I said, the mother has the last say in who gets to see her but you seem to be making it into a drama. Your dh has said no problem, so why start a thread about it.