To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

Some people have told the OP, who has suffered late losses, that she is selfish, playing the victim, has no reason to feel vulnerable. Others have stated things that are factually untrue such as anyone with PR can visit and invite whoever they like and should even remove newborn from it's mother. What is the motivation behind these sort of posts? There is not a single other medical situation where saying this sort of stuff to a patient would be remotely acceptable.

NC MIL 100% won't know I would've had DM there, you're right. I wouldn't dream of voicing that to her as it isn't necessary since my own DM won't be there anyway so pointless to mention it

A few of these replies are absolutely cuckoo

Well I suppose if you're not allowing anybody, it's not excluding her.

I think I misread your OP, I was looking at it as if you'd say no to his family but yes to yours but if you're banning all visitors then it's fair enough.

I can't speak for you, or any other woman but the moment my births were over I wanted to show everyone the baby & couldn't wait for visitors. I understand you feel differently & im sorry.

I have a very black & white way of handling things some times

Paying I answered that at 11.19am
From my earlier post.

I'm a private person and there was no way I'd be bleeding or feeding in front of PIL. It just worked out that I felt good and wanted everyone to see our baby. But that was the right decision for me. It doesn't mean the woman in the next bed feels the same. I'm with OP. Have who you want, when you want them.

Haworthy actually you were being quite nasty about women who didn't claim the horror experience, we were all in a fragrant private unit or whatever. Believe me I have had the lot, been induced twice, bad stitches 3 times, forceps, C section. All in busy NHS hospitals.

There is no need to belittle other people because they react differently to you, it isn't a competition and there are no brownie points for telling the best or worst stories.

"Its terrible to tell people "ooooh if you just think positive you'll have a fab birth" cos basically you are saying people that have had difficulties just didn't try hard enough."

Nobody is saying this. But it is really important for people to realize that Mumsnet horror stories aren't the norm. And it doesn't help to go into anything terrified.

There was someone recently on Room 101 who wanted to put birth horror stories into Room 101. Or, she said "Tell them to me-I've had my babies! Don't tell them to people who haven't had theirs yet!"

And no, absolutely not. That's not wrong. Nobody has 'first visitor' rights over someone else's baby, even if that baby is their grandchild.

However I think you've already stated on an earlier page, that part of your reasoning is you do want your own DM to be there to see your baby first, so your decision to exclude MIL in the first few days isn't purely down to the vulnerability that you say you're expecting to feel post-birth. You want your own parent to be the first involved, as is your prerogative.

I'm not saying that you don't have absolute right to feel that way, you do. You are the patient in hospital, so you decide who visits you- and by extension, your baby.

Oops, just realised you were talking to another Psycho

I wanted my mum to be the first to see my baby too. Luckily, geography was on my side!

Some crazy responses here. I had no visitors, not even my.own family. I made that choice as after my second birth I needed my sheets changing twice due to random gushes of lochia that flooded my sheets.

A mother should not have to justify feeling vulnerable. Many mother's after birth bleed through clothing and onto sheets, loss of bladder and bowel control temporarily is common too. I would not have felt comfortable with anybody seeing that but my DH. None of my in-laws cared I didn't want visitors and they certainly weren't demanding or angry.

If my boys have children when older I will not be invasive or demanding need to see the baby, I will support my DIL and give her the privacy she requires and deserves. It's not all about the baby, birth can be traumatic and exhausting for a lot of women. Any other gynaecological operation or inpatient procedure nobody would want visits from in-laws as it's invasive.

Those who are fine with visits, great. I was fine after my first birth, but we are all different and have different births and the mother should feel she can assert her wishes whilst she recovers.

I was a bit like this when I had dd1 11 years ago. I look back and think it was a bit twattish of me tbh.
No one visited while I was in hospital at my request, as we lived so far from family this meant they came for the day when we got home. An hour in hospital would have been far more preferable to a whole day visit.
But, as you rightly say, it's your hospital stay and your choice (as it was mine) and you need to make whatever decision you are comfortable with.

I agree Maryann. It was definitely more hassle being at home waiting for my parents to arrive after driving 200 miles, fretting about feeding them (they brought sandwiches) & worrying about them making such a long trip home again, than having a flying visit tightly controlled by medics.

These threads always seem to descend into a game of Top Trumps. Either say no visitors full stop because you think you will be feeling grotty or vulnerable before you have the baby, or just play it by ear at the time.

There was someone recently on Room 101 who wanted to put birth horror stories into Room 101. Or, she said "Tell them to me-I've had my babies! Don't tell them to people who haven't had theirs yet!

I really disagree with this. I didn't hear any negative stories pre birth, lots of "it's wonderful" "hurts like hell but then you get to meet your baby" type stuff. Even got told by loads and loads of people, "three pushes and he was out" or "20minutes of pushing and your done".

So I did my hypnobirthing, went into it all really positively, had a great first stage but then when it all went wrong, when I eventually had DS and got on the postnatal ward I felt like a freak, a weirdo, a failure. I continue to feel like a failure. People saying "I felt orgasmic" "like a warrior", and you "just get on with it" make me feel like a failure. But they don't realise that some people have different experiences to them. I couldn't just "get on with it" I couldn't move for 14hours, and then every time I stood up I shat and pissed myself FOR MONTHS. Going to the shop was not something "I could just get on with".

I felt fucking invincible after DC1, (filthy, leaking everywhere, and smashed in the face by exhaustion, but invincible.) Still didn't want (or have,) anyone there to visit til I was ready (after being transferred from the hospital to a local maternity unit.)
With DC2 I had a c-section, and I was in agony, off my head on morphine, and "wanted my mum" (for me,) not my MIL. My MIL totally understood, and was in fact minding DC1 for me and happy to wait til I got home from hospital, because she's not a selfish cunt.
Do whatever you want, OP - you're the one giving birth, so it's up to you when you have visitors. And I'm glad your DH understands and supports you in that. Best wishes for a smooth and easy birth

I just don't get why the OP has to have a horror story in order to feel she'd rather not have people at her bedside.

I have a mild skin infection at the moment and have been told to rest at home. The pain is bearable, I have gone through no trauma, I know it is curable with antibiotics. This is very far from a horror story. But I am a private person and I don't want people around while I look like a third-rate actor made up to play Falstaff a bit shit.

I don't see why the OP should not be able to feel the same or anticipate feeling the same, horror story or not. Just a day or two to be private doesn't seem like a massive ask to me. But then I had a very understanding MIL- and would hope that I will one day become an understanding MIL.

fanfrickintastic I'm surprised you didn't hear horror stories. I am often amazed that childless women decide to have kids when you listen to some women.

I think with smaller families, 1 or 2 children seem the norm where I live, people are more likely to think "their" experience is everyone's experience with childbirth and child raising. I grew up in an Irish Catholic community where my family was a bit weird as we were a family with only 3 children. Lots of mums were like I am, every pregnancy different, every birth different, every child different. I wouldn't think there is one way with child birth as my experiences have been so different e.g. induced in high tech hospital environment, induced in small maternity unit, home birth, forceps birth, emergency section, easy birth, painful birth, bloody marvelous birth. I would no more think everyone is going to be euphoric after a birth than I would think everyone is going to be feeling awful.

There is a saying something like "Expect the best, prepare for the worst." Not sure if that is exactly it but I do think it is good advice.

Just wanted to add I have GC I have seen the day they were born and others who I didn't see for several days. It hasn't made a difference to our relationship or how I feel about them. The next one will be the first time it is my daughter giving birth and I am sort of dreading being there, she wants me to be so I suppose I will but to be honest I don't think it is something I will enjoy as I will be worrying about my daughter and I think I can safely say a stiff upper lip is a concept that is unknown to her and I can imagine the scene only too well. Last time she had a minor op in hospital I was taken into recovery and told to calm her down as she was frightening the other patients. The nurses were getting quite annoyed with her and if you had heard her you would probably have thought she was being ripped limb from limb.

*All the positive thinking in the world can't help you if somethign goes wrong and you have to have EMC, you hemorrhage, whatever.

Its terrible to tell people "ooooh if you just think positive you'll have a fab birth" cos basically you are saying people that have had difficulties just didn't try hard enough.

If only the people with still births had thought more positively? See how fucking idiotic and mean that is???????????*

So in your opinion do you think someone like me (22 weeks with 1st) should spend the rest of my pregnancy terrified of giving birth?? Or should I hold on to the belief that it is going to go perfectly smoothly and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and even look forward to the birth??
Positive thinking is VERY important to someone like me who is a very anxious person anyway - especially when it comes to my body. If I go the rest of my pregnancy feeling the way you think I should then I'm guaranteed to have a stressful Labour!! My adrenaline will sky rocket and I will not be able to remain calm.
I think it is your post that is stupid TBH. and I wished to fucking God I hadn't read these posts now!!!!

Your birth your choice. I would be fine having MIL there because she's amazing but could entirely understand why others wouldn't feel the same about their MIL. If my son has children when he's older I won't feel pushed out if his OH doesn't want me there, it's your own mother you want when you're vulnerable and I totally get that. It's also a very intimate time and the mother needs to recuperate and feel comfortable so that she can do the best for her baby. Although I would hope to be allowed to visit once they were home.

ethelfleda I'm sorry you have been upset. I remember a friend of mine who at about 38 weeks pregnant started to cry and told her mum she had changed her mind, as her mum said it was a bit late. She was fine and I am sure you will be too. I suppose I was lucky as my first delivery was the easiest so I always felt positive. If you are feeling worried talk to your midwife.

Good luck and I hope everything goes fantastically.

Thank you grannytomine
I already heard SILs horror stories the minute we announced the pregnancy and had a fair few waking up in a cold sweat moments. The positivity thing and hypnobirthing has helped me so much to not only relax about it, but even look forward to it. And I don't appreciate being made to feel naive for believing that I will have a straight forward birth. Of course things go wrong and I appreciate this but I really want to be as relaxed as I can be and go with the flow so to speak.
Thank you for your kind words!

I understand where you're coming from, OP. I just want myself and my DH there, however, he's said we can't stop his parents (particularly his mum) from coming to the hospital.

I can see what's going to happen though, his parents will be waiting in a waiting room and I'll be pressured into having them come and see me and the baby sooner than I'd want. I wouldn't put it past his mum to overstep the boundaries and just find a way in to the room. I love his mum but she's full on and has a tendency to be over the top which can be annoying at times and I think she could end up just stressing me out.

I'd much rather tell people I'm in labour and then send a message when I'm ready for visitors seeing as both sets of parents only live about 30 - 45 mins away.

ethelfleda you are welcome and I hope to see a thread in 18 weeks time telling us about your wonderful experience.

Obviously things sometimes have a plan all of their own but in my experience if you can be relaxed and go with the flow it isn't that bad. I remember thinking how impressive the NHS is when I was being wheeled into theatre for a section and feeling really safe with these very professional and supportive people.

Good luck.

SheSaidHeSaid, is there any room for compromise? Like he doesn't tell them till the baby is born, if you are feeling great you could let them come and get it over with and if you are feeling rough he could just hold off telling them for a few hours. Or even he just takes baby to them for five minutes and that is it until you are home and ready for visitors, I know on here people will say you can't be apart from the baby for a second but in reality you might want to go to the loo or have a shower or if you're like me have a nice cup of tea and a mountain of toast (I had to fill that empty space somehow)

Would anything help?