To feel cross? Or is it none of my damned business?

[bluebeck]

XH just came into around £50k unexpectedly.

We have two DC, DD is at uni and really struggling financially (London) despite working 25 hours a week. I give her what I can but have debts due to being SP for years and trying to keep a roof over DC head.

DS will start uni next year.

XH has said that he will be spending half of the money on himself - new car and other things. The remainder he has said he will divide equally between DC - AND his girlfriends 5 DC.

He has only been with her about 18 months and all her DC are adults and have their own partners/homes etc.

They do live together and I have no doubt it is a serious relationship (she wasn't OW or anything and I have nothing against her) but I just feel really shocked that he is going to give thousands of pounds to these people rather than to his own DC.

AIBU? If I were in the same position I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I would only give the money to my own family. It feels like he is trying to ingratiate himself to girlfriend at the expense of his own DC.

DD is upset and doesn't understand. DS also looked very shocked when DD told him but is more forgiving.

I'd be more at him using half for such extravagances to be honest. So he will spend 25 K on himself and each of the 7 children will get approx 3.5 K? I don't think YABU. It would be different maybe if the 5 DC were younger and living at home.

Mmmm although he can do what he wishes with his inheritance as the dc can't have been named benefactors I think he's being v selfish and bizarre not to put his own dc first to be honest.
Obviously a very expensive car comes higher on his list of priorities

Bet your glad he's an ex

Seems a waste and he would be better off investing in property etc but maybe the person who left to wanted him to have fun with it.

MN usually advocates all money as household money so splitting between all the children isn't unusual. I don't think there's a right or wrong solution to that as someone would be offended either way.

It#s his money
He can do what he likes with it, he is your X.

To feel cross? Or is it none of my damned business?

The latter.

His money, his choice.

I'm guessing that if a new partner of yours treated your kids in the way he treats his own you wouldn't be complaining.

What an arse! To me the fairest way would be 25% to him, 25% per your shared DC and then each of the DP's have 5% each- seeing as they will probably benefit from the new car and maybe other things he would buy.

It is none of your business but its none of mine either and I still think he is being a nob and will regret it. 3.5k isn't a lot to someone settled with there own house but 12.5k to a student could be live changing. Just be glad he is yr X.

It probably isn't my business, I just cannot help but be upset for my DC who are a bit bewildered. I guess my point is that he could make things a lot easier for his own DC which would also take the pressure off of me, rather than spending thousands on someone else's adult offspring.

To be clear, all the new partners DC are adults, in their mid to late twenties, with partners, homes and DC of their own. None of them live with XH or his DP. They aren't a blended family in that sense IYSWIM?

It wasn't an inheritance, more of a windfall/win but that probably doesn't make any difference.

Yes fudging I am very glad he is an ex

None of your business. Astounded you'd think it was.

Yes Mustard I think you are right, he will end up regretting it as DC are pretty hurt.

He did not even have to tell you, did he?

andrew No he told the DC, not me, and they have come to me upset - DD more than DS to be fair. I very rarely speak with him.

I would tell my DC to call him out on it
...but that is the way i am...i think i would also be quiet cross if it was me OP, but equally it is his money.
What did i win on? i want in...

All income in his house may be joint income (as it is in mine) so it may be as much his girlfriend's as it is his. So why would she leave her own children out?

None of your business. It's his unexpected windfall, to do with as he wishes. It would be perfectly acceptable for him to spend every cent on himself, instead he's quite generously giving away half, and spreading it around so all the important people in his life get a decent chunk.

3.5k is nothing to sneeze at. If your DC spend it wisely it will make quite a difference to them.

Yanbu. He's really letting his kids down.

Sounds like a right idiot. Why did he even tell them how much? How crass.

However, None of your business. £3.5k is still a hell of a lot of money. Your children say thank you. That's it.

He's trying to play the big man. I can imagine your kids are

Its none of your business but I think hes wrong to treat his own dc and grown up children he's known 18months exactly the same. It could possibly awkward for him if he were to help his dc and not hers. It also depends whereits come from I think. An inheritance is his money, a win on something he used household money to enter would be joint between him and his dp

Am trying not to out myself - the windfall comes from an investment he made a long time ago - many years before he met his new partner.

I am taking on board what people are saying and I can see it's nothing to do with me. I do empathise with my DC though and can see why they are miffed.

You have said that your ex husband and his partner are in a serious relationship so it's probably more likely that they are going to spend half the money treating "themselves" as apposed to him spending it on himself. That being the case, as a couple they are splitting the other half between all the children. I appreciate that the new partners children are adults but yours aren't exactly dependent toddlers