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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel cross? Or is it none of my damned business?

120 replies

bluebeck · 08/07/2017 19:38

XH just came into around £50k unexpectedly.

We have two DC, DD is at uni and really struggling financially (London) despite working 25 hours a week. I give her what I can but have debts due to being SP for years and trying to keep a roof over DC head.

DS will start uni next year.

XH has said that he will be spending half of the money on himself - new car and other things. The remainder he has said he will divide equally between DC - AND his girlfriends 5 DC.

He has only been with her about 18 months and all her DC are adults and have their own partners/homes etc.

They do live together and I have no doubt it is a serious relationship (she wasn't OW or anything and I have nothing against her) but I just feel really shocked that he is going to give thousands of pounds to these people rather than to his own DC.

AIBU? If I were in the same position I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I would only give the money to my own family. It feels like he is trying to ingratiate himself to girlfriend at the expense of his own DC.

DD is upset and doesn't understand. DS also looked very shocked when DD told him but is more forgiving.

OP posts:
notomatoes · 09/07/2017 08:30

Cheekichi The OP has been a single parent for years, not the DD, so I don't think your post is that relevant...

It is entirely his choice, obviously. But who wouldn't feel sad that their own father put them on par with the adult children of a relatively short term partner? It's not being selfish or greedy to feel hurt by that.

Cheekichi · 09/07/2017 08:35

As I said, strike the comments about the daughter's dc and the post is still entirely relevant. It is about 18 plus aged kids having the emotional maturity to accept a windfall without griping that someone else is benefitting too.

lljkk · 09/07/2017 08:46

It's one of those harsh life lessons that it's HIS money.
I might tell my X that his bio-children felt left out, but leave the matter at that. Speak up once for them & don't continue a resentment afterwards.

This is common experience due to blended families -- it's happening to me & my brothers, too.

WingsofNylon · 09/07/2017 08:56

Im shocked that your dc are 'upset' at the prospect of getting 3.5k handed to them! That will make a big difference to them surely? How many months wages is that for your dd?

Sure it seems a bit odd to split it that at but he probably sees it as the most fair. Also, you really can't know the circumstances of the other adult children. They too might be struggling and in need.

rogueantimatter · 09/07/2017 09:06

3.5K goes hardly anywhere for a student living in London. Eg DS' self-catering halls of residence are one of the cheapest at £161 per week for 44 weeks of the year. That's £7K already.

As your DC are full time students dependent on their parents they might have a legal right to more financial support from their father.

notomatoes · 09/07/2017 09:08

But they are not his children and it is not a blended family. They are adults who have never lived with him, been dependent on him, seen him as a father figure etc. The amount of money is not the issue, it is this man showing his children that he considers all of them equal when they clearly shouldn't be.

Unless of course all they care about is the money, in which case some PP may have a point...

Flowersonthewall · 09/07/2017 09:17

Yes 3.5k is a lot of money but surely if 5 other people you don't know are getting the same as you from your father you'd feel rather miffed! Do the DC know the partners children? If I were one of the partners children knowing I'm getting 3.5k from my mum's oh and his kids were getting the same I would feel very odd about it.

2rebecca · 09/07/2017 09:19

If the man and his girlfriend have been living together for 18 months they will regard themselves as a family even though they aren't married so young adult children would get an equal share of the household money

Onhold · 09/07/2017 09:24

They are hardly a blended family.

Dumdedumdedum · 09/07/2017 09:43

To be honest, I'm quite shocked at people thinking the OP's ex is generous giving his OWN children, one of whom is still not an adult, and the other still a student, anything at all from his windfall. I can't believe the parental selfishness that is assumed to be normal. Although, to be fair, I am assuming, perhaps wrongly, from the tone of the OP, that he has not been taking proper financial responsibility for his own offspring and is not helping the OP financially at the moment.

Penny4UrThoughts · 09/07/2017 09:47

The mistake that your XH made was not distributing his money as he has - his money, his choice.

It was telling your children that's what he'd done.

Had he just said 'I've come into some money, here's £3.5k for you' they would have been delighted.

But because he's been considerate to his partner and included her children, they are instead ungrateful and think they should have had more. Your attitude is not helping.

Can't believe the person that is saying is not that much, it only covers half a years rent. If someone paid my rent for half a year I'd be delighted! (and that comes in at less than 3.5k)

witsender · 09/07/2017 09:52

He is giving his kids the message that they are only as equal as some random adults he has known 18 months. That would sting. Especially given that his actual children are still dependents in full time education being propped up by their mother, his ex.

witsender · 09/07/2017 09:53

And my parents would give some from any windfalls they have and always have done.

Dumdedumdedum · 09/07/2017 09:58

witsender - Exactly.

Pemba · 09/07/2017 09:58

He may be 'considerate' to his partner, but like Dumdedum I am also picking up that he hasn't been financially supportive since the split, as the mentions 'struggling to keep a roof over (the DC's) heads' . Also WRT to the DD she says 'I give her what I can'. Sounds like he hasn't been helping out, maybe not even paying maintenance.

That's why what he is doing is so wrong. But I would still not think it was right, even if the OP's DCs were older and financially independent.

I don't know why some MNetters seem to have a down on student kids. Like the poster who wanted to charge her daughter rent money she didn't need while she was living at home and attending her local uni.

Original poster
bluebeck · 09/07/2017 10:14

Gosh! So many replies - thanks so much. I will try to answer some of the questions. Apologies if I miss any.

XH and I were together since we were teenagers ourselves- now in our fifties. Split 8 years ago.

XH invested in a friends business, when we were together, but before we were actually married. To be honest I had completely forgotten about it and I honestly believe that he had too when we divorced, so it wasn't considered as a marital asset. I guess I could go down that route but I think it would be, erm, "grabby" Grin

On reflection, I think the money issue is symptomatic of how my DC (who are 19 and 17) feel about their relationship with their father since he became involved with this latest GF. She is the third since we split so him having a partner isn't new. It's just he doesn't seem to have any time or enthusiasm for them any more.

I guess they feel "pushed out" and like they are now peripheral figures in their dads life. The central and important figures are the new GF and her adult family and grandchildren. This division of money has just thrown it all into relief.

There is loads more but it would all be horribly outing. Thanks to everyone who replied.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/07/2017 10:20

I bet his will may make interesting reading too.

Most would not expect him to leave his share of his estate (assuming he stays with G/F) to her children, that would be what she would do and I highly doubt she'd leave any to the OP's children.

Don't see this as much different.

HoHoHoHo · 09/07/2017 10:42

If it was your partner who came into cash would you accept them sharing it with you and your children?

Penny4UrThoughts · 09/07/2017 10:46

Nanny, but they may well leave the bulk of their estate to their other half when they die. After which it may well be that only the remaining partners children would inherit. So it's not the most relevant point you could have made.

lljkk · 09/07/2017 10:50

But it's HIS money.
I'd be pretty irked if DC started nagging me how to spend my money on each of them or any other way I saw fit.
It's a harsh lesson most of us end up learning.

Pemba · 09/07/2017 10:52

But they're students! He is supposed to help them if he can afford to - and now he has no excuse.

Original poster
bluebeck · 09/07/2017 12:04

HOHO I am not pointing the finger at his DP. I would probably accept the money for my DC in her situation, but I would think it very odd. That's not the comparison though is it? The comparison is, if I had a DP with 5 adult DC and I had unexpected money, would I give equal amounts to my new DPs DC as my own, and no, I genuinely would not.

Nanny indeed. I imagine his will leaves everything to new DP and if he dies before her my DC will never see a penny of it. Again, if I were in that situation, my will would ensure some money was set aside for my DC.

lljkk Where have I said DC are "nagging" XH about the money? They haven't at all. I know they are upset because they have spoken to me about it. They definitely haven't nagged him or been brattish to him. DDs maintenance loan (full loan) doesn't even cover her rent in halls. She asked XH if he would lend her the deposit for a flat as she has to move out of halls for Y2 and her share of deposit and six weeks rent will be over £2k. She has some savings, I will give her some, and as I paid the deposit for halls, only £200, I said she could keep that. It was during that conversation that she learnt about his windfall and how he proposed to distribute it. She is grateful he is giving her some money, but was just shocked to hear that he is treating his own DC on the same par as new DPs adult DC.

It's all a bit "We're your family now...."

DC wouldn't dream of kicking up about it. XH new DP comes from a very well known local family and to be honest my DC and I are a bit intimidated and frightened of them (in and out of prison/courts etc. Violent crimes) that's why I am so worried about outing myself.

I suppose XH could be in over his head and worried that he has to give them all money........

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 09/07/2017 12:47

If I gave an adult child a monetary gift and found out they were moaning it wasn't enough and that I didn't have the right to spend it how I saw fit they wouldn't be getting anything.

Going to uni for most means debt, it doesn't come as a surprise and it's not compulsory. They could have chosen to work instead.

Original poster
bluebeck · 09/07/2017 12:54

Rainbows - They could have chosen to work instead.

DD works 7 days a week - she is at uni four days and works in retail three days plus overtime in holidays. She is regularly up until midnight doing uni work and then up at 6am to get to work for a ten hour shift.

She certainly isn't a slacker.

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 09/07/2017 12:55

Rainbows But the student loan doesn't cover living expenses, especially in London where students are told to allow 11.5K per year just for their living costs. There's a limit to how many hours students can be expected to work when also doing a full time course.