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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel cross? Or is it none of my damned business?

120 replies

bluebeck · 08/07/2017 19:38

XH just came into around £50k unexpectedly.

We have two DC, DD is at uni and really struggling financially (London) despite working 25 hours a week. I give her what I can but have debts due to being SP for years and trying to keep a roof over DC head.

DS will start uni next year.

XH has said that he will be spending half of the money on himself - new car and other things. The remainder he has said he will divide equally between DC - AND his girlfriends 5 DC.

He has only been with her about 18 months and all her DC are adults and have their own partners/homes etc.

They do live together and I have no doubt it is a serious relationship (she wasn't OW or anything and I have nothing against her) but I just feel really shocked that he is going to give thousands of pounds to these people rather than to his own DC.

AIBU? If I were in the same position I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I would only give the money to my own family. It feels like he is trying to ingratiate himself to girlfriend at the expense of his own DC.

DD is upset and doesn't understand. DS also looked very shocked when DD told him but is more forgiving.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 08/07/2017 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onhold · 08/07/2017 21:19

He should look his own kids. I'd be pissed off too.

Onhold · 08/07/2017 21:22

It might not be any of the OPs business but that doesn't stop him being a father. I bet his GF kids can't believe their luck.

Penny4UrThoughts · 08/07/2017 22:11

Of course it isn't his money but it is obviously quite selfish of him not to do anything with it that benefits his children

Ermmm - it clearly IS his money, and his children are getting 3.5k each... how does that not benefit them?

buckeejit · 08/07/2017 22:49

If it was an investment when you were married could you be entitled to a share of it or was it allocated to him in the settlement?

Pengggwn · 09/07/2017 04:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

femfemlicious · 09/07/2017 05:01

Wow that is absolutely unfair. I can understand why you are upset on behalf of your children.

Pemba · 09/07/2017 05:18

Well of course he is wrong. His new partner's kids were all grown up and independent when he met her anyway, you say, so what's it got to do with them? He is just trying to show them/his partner what a great guy he is(!), at the expense of his own kids, who are struggling. At least if he was going to do that, then he didn't need to take a whole 50% for himself.

I can see why you and your kids are annoyed (I would be furious!) but sadly there's nothing to be done about it, as it's legally his money.

kateandme · 09/07/2017 05:19

id be hurt if my dad did this :(

KoalaDownUnder · 09/07/2017 05:22

I'm with you too.

People on here always act as if they don't care what parents do with 'their own money'. Which is, of course, untrue.

If I was a struggling university student, I'd expect my dad to be more generous to me than to unrelated adults he'd only known for 18 months! If that makes me an entitled arse, so be it.

n0rtherrn · 09/07/2017 05:49

YANBU

He should not be treating adults he has only known for a short while in the same way as his own bloody kids.

He could still treat them all, take them out for a nice dinner, on a big family holiday, that kind of thing. There is no need to be so flashy when his own kids could benefit hugely from more support.

Of course, it's his money and he's not wrong to do as he pleases, but I don't agree with how he has chosen to dish it out.

SpareASquare · 09/07/2017 05:57

It is money coming in to his household so I don't see a problem with allocating to his partners children. If he left out your children then absolutely I'd be pissed. He's not though, they are receiving a generous amount.

I wouldnt be impressed if my children were upset at not getting enough

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/07/2017 05:58

I feel sorry for your kids too & I think he's being incredibly selfish in regard to you and his children. You've struggled and still scrimp to help them out, while he 'treats' himself with £25k...twat.

It's not the amount of money they're getting/aren't getting, it's that he's treating his girlfriends adult children, that he's known for 5 minutes, the same as his children. I'd be hurt too.

TealStar · 09/07/2017 06:05

YANBU.

I'd be upset for my children too.

charlestonchaplin · 09/07/2017 06:26

Suggest he gives his GF's children £1000 each. That's a very generous gift in those circumstances. No-one, probably not even his GF would expect him to give them the same as his children. His children are minors legally and financially dependent on him. He has a legal and moral responsibility to them. But the message needs to be delivered in a calm, non-accusatory way, and then leave him to think about it and hopefully do the right thing.

TheStoic · 09/07/2017 06:44

If it was me, in a serious relationship that would hopefully be forever, there is no way I would treat my own kids differently to my partner's kids. Even if they were adults.

Pemba · 09/07/2017 06:49

You have a responsibility to your own kids, to bring them up and help them until they become financially independent. The OP's daughter is a student and struggling, as a good dad he should help her.

The partner's kids, who were already grown and independent when they met, are not his responsibility, besides they don't need it. If any money is to be given them, it should come from their own parents.

TheStoic · 09/07/2017 06:52

He has apparently considers them equally in this regard, and good for him.

He did give money to his own kids, just not more than his partner's kids.

And who says they don't need it?

WhatInTheWorldIsGoingOn · 09/07/2017 06:54

If my parents got 50k they wouldn't give any of us a penny. It wouldn't even cross my mind that I shouldn't get any to be honest. In fact, thinking back, my dad got around 40k from my granddad's estate and I didn't see any of the money!

WhatInTheWorldIsGoingOn · 09/07/2017 06:54

That I should get any.

Pemba · 09/07/2017 06:56

Well they need it less, they are adults with partners, homes, their own children. Even if they did 'need' it, it's not his responsibility to provide for them, obviously.

His daughter as a student, is struggling and she IS his responsibility.

LunaMay · 09/07/2017 06:59

Yeah, how would you know the other 'kids' circumstances someone can have a home of their opwn and still be struggling. Maybe he wants them to be able to treat themselves too.
Your daughter sounds a bit greedy, why can't she just be happy with what she's getting?
18 months isnt '5 minutes', my family were very much involved with each other (dinners/bbqs/birthday parties/grandchildren) etc and by that time my step father would have split a win inbetween all of us as well.

eurochick · 09/07/2017 07:02

It is the OP's business because it is his dependent children's business and they are also her children.

He doesn't sound like someone who is good with money. He's going to fritter away half of it on an extravagance. His first priority should be supporting his child still in education.

Saiman · 09/07/2017 07:03

If your kids are that upset than can refuse the offer.

Honestly he didnt have to give them any of it. If he turned round and said 'i am have come into some money, i am giving you 3.5k' and not mentiones what amyone else was getting, would you kids be that upset?

WhatInTheWorldIsGoingOn · 09/07/2017 07:03

Who cares who NEEDS it. So because his step children are older they can't have any money to buy treats/nice things because you daughter has chosen to go to university in London and is poor?