To feel cross? Or is it none of my damned business?

[bluebeck]

XH just came into around £50k unexpectedly.

We have two DC, DD is at uni and really struggling financially (London) despite working 25 hours a week. I give her what I can but have debts due to being SP for years and trying to keep a roof over DC head.

DS will start uni next year.

XH has said that he will be spending half of the money on himself - new car and other things. The remainder he has said he will divide equally between DC - AND his girlfriends 5 DC.

He has only been with her about 18 months and all her DC are adults and have their own partners/homes etc.

They do live together and I have no doubt it is a serious relationship (she wasn't OW or anything and I have nothing against her) but I just feel really shocked that he is going to give thousands of pounds to these people rather than to his own DC.

AIBU? If I were in the same position I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I would only give the money to my own family. It feels like he is trying to ingratiate himself to girlfriend at the expense of his own DC.

DD is upset and doesn't understand. DS also looked very shocked when DD told him but is more forgiving.

" Would the OP's children feel hard done to if they only knew they were getting £3,500? Of course not. They just feel that they are entitled to more because they know that there is more. This is quite an immature reaction"

No it isn't. Ever heard of Relative Poverty? It is the reason sponsorship charities moved away from the model of a "sponsor child" and now serve entire communities. Because when one person receives more than everyone else, it creates a whole host of other problems.
You may think that is "immature", but it is also human nature and it is exactly what is happening in the OP's world right now.

I feel very sorry for them.

I'm with you OP, I think it's weird. I see it as him trying to be the big 'head of the family' man and buy favour with the new girlfriend and her adult kids.

But it is his money, and in your position I would maybe mention to him that his biological children feel a little upset that they are on a par in his affections with 5 adults who he's known 18 months who he's and never even lived with. I wouldn't push it any further than that.

Pigface I think you and Witsender have hit the nail on the head.

He wants to ingratiate himself and be the Big Man. He has lived with his new DP for less than a year and has already paid for a huge loft conversion to the house which I believe is still in her name only, conservatory, refurnished the house, made some other large but possibly identifying purchases. DS says "she's rinsing him Mum" but neither I nor they have ever said a word to him. As yes, it is his money.

I totally get that we have to suck it up. It does grate as I have had to, and will continue to have to, do without a lot to make sure my DC can afford to go to uni. It all feels like a lot of weight on my shoulders and I guess I am a bit disappointed in him.

I always find it strange when people think they're entitled to parents money, whether it's a situation like this or an inheritance when they pass away. A parent could decide to give 90% to the local cat charity and the rest to their children, and they really shouldn't complain imo. Nobody has to give anybody anything, it's just nice of them if they do. I've seen families stop talking for years over things like this and it's ridiculous. Nobody is owed anything once they're adults and earn their own money. If you get given anything, be grateful it was possible and you were thought of and move on.
I'd be upset if my children were saying "dad's giving us money, but it's not fair he's giving some to other people too when I want a bigger chunk" and if I was giving anybody money, and they were really ungrateful and acting like they're owed more of my money, I'd begrudge giving anything and it would stay with me for a long time. It's not nice, and I can't believe how common it is for people to think it's ok to do, seems like it should be a rare thing but it isn't, it happens all the time.

I think the fact he's giving his DC anything is nice..

If my parents won or come into that amount of money I wouldn't expect a penny tbh, it would be there money to do as they wish not mine

It sends them the message that people he has only known for a short time are as important as his own children.

Sorry it sounded like that @bluebeck, I never said YOUR children were nagging.

But the tone of some responses on this thread, is like people feel your kids, any kids in this situation, would have the right to demand more £.

I hear crap off MY kids about how they think I should spend more on each of them for XYZ reasons. It is very annoying behaviour. Making me feel more confidently selfish is their only achievement.

They should accept the £3.5K before it's all gone. Once the new girlfriend realises it's all gone so will she.

I thought that it was out of order, until you said that they had children, so he may be thinking in terms of him treating them to an, otherwise unaffordable, family holiday.

My 'Grandad' wasn't biologically related to me, but was the most significant relationship to me. My Uncle treats his Step Children the same as his own children. He gets treated better by them and they actively foster a relationship between him and their children. They are his Grandchildren, as such. His own children saw him has a cash cow,interestingly they also live just outside of London and it all seems to be about money.

I think your DD needs to get on with the choices she made, regarding the cost of being at that Uni and whilst she is entitled to feel hurt, she is getting 3.5k, which she should feel grateful for, or refuse.

Foniks They aren't really adults. DS just turned 17 and they are both in FTE.

Babs I suspect you are right!!!

I get what you mean llkkj they really wouldn't demand more, I think they are just confounded by their dads behaviour and new priorities. DS refers to it as "The Cult of Anne" (not her real name) and says it is like his dad is brainwashed.

For example, before they were living together, XH, Anne and various of her DC/GC all went to Tenerife on holiday. XH offered this to our DC but they declined nicely, saying they would find it all a bit overwhelming. Actually they find Anne's behaviour in public really embarrassing as she complains loudly every single time they go anywhere, always demanding to see the manager etc. Anyway, they proposed that they might go away with XH for a long weekend, not necessarily abroad, maybe camping, just the three of them. I do this with them and have done even when I have had a DP, both of them together or just me and one of them. XH refused saying Anne would be really offended if he went away with his own DC and she wasn't invited.

XH lives just over an hour from DD and in the past year has visited her in London just once, and turned up with Anne of course.

I think the money thing is just symptomatic of the bigger picture of how marginalised and unimportant they feel now.

I really appreciate everyone who has posted as it has helped me to work through my own feelings and to try to see what the real issues are, so even unsympathetic comments have helped.

OP as others have said, the money may be part yours if you were married at the time of the investment. You may want to get financial advice.

We weren't married at the time. I may sound like a mug but I don't think he had remembered it when we split. Even if I had said "Oh, what about that £6k you lent M in the 1980s to set up his company?" He probably would have laughed and said "Blue that is long gone, I wouldn't know how to find him!"

Turns out when M sold the company, XH investment was recorded somehow and he got a windfall of just over £50k. I honestly don't want any of the money for myself.

I started this thread thinking it was all about the money but reading the responses and working through it I can see that it's not, it's symptomatic of something far more upsetting really

I bloody love Mumsnet!

so he pays what he should, sees them, takes them out (they don't want to go), offers to take them on Holidays (they don't want to go), drives to uni to see his DD and gives them money that they wouldn't normally get.

Only on mumsnet would this be seen as "symptomatic of something far more upsetting".

Anne sounds like a nightmare. She has no business to be offended at the thought of your ex and his DC going camping without her. He might at least have discussed it with her.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for your DC. Had your ex and his new partner been a couple for long before they moved in together? I ask because her influence might decline as time goes by and 'familiarity breeds contempt' sets in.

He needn't have told anyone about the windfall. How would Anne and her DC ever have known if he had just quietly given his own DC some cash? As pps have said, it sounds like he can't resist buying an ego boost/favour by splashing his cash around.

I know what it's like to have a DF who isn't cut out for family life. We were in a similar situation, my DF didn't give my DM maintenance for me as a child, despite him being much better off than my DM who struggled financially. My DM was a fantastic parent who made up for his flaws and I'm sure you are the same OP.

Thanks Rogue Tbh I don't blame Anne as I still feel XH is making his decisions, and the DC are his responsibility, not hers. He does appear to be completely enmeshed in her and her family to the detriment of his own DC.

Boney He pays maintenance for DS, nothing for DD since she left for uni. They would like to see their father without Anne sometimes, I don't think that's asking for the moon, so we will have to disagree on that. Same with the holiday. I totally understand that some people would love nothing better than a holiday with a pack of step family members. My DC would find it overwhelming. Visiting your DD who only lives an hour away just once in a year is very lazy parenting in my book. I suspect most of the parents on this board would make more of an effort but again, if you think it's adequate we will have to agree to differ.

I have paid her train fare to come home four times and visited her in London about 8/10 times. Obviously with her punishing schedule it's easier for her if we visit her.

Anne does indeed sound like a nightmare. A far cry from your op, in which you say you've nothing against her. What's with all the assumptions that she's a gold digger too? You've stated that they're in a serious relationship. Is your, albeit apparently unspoken attitude towards his newish gf rubbing off on your dc do you think?

Objectively, I do actually think his biological dc should receive more and maybe a token £1k each for her dc - at least until the relationship has stood the test of time. But equally, had someone gifted me £3.5k when I was at uni I certainly wouldn't be complaining about it, to anybody.

How come Anne is the gold digger when it is XH who is living in her property?

When my DS1 was at uni we visited just once. He would have felt anything else was weird and us interfering with his uni life.

If XH and Anne have made the decision to pool their money a family car and splitting between all their kids is up to them.

If XH has funded a loft conversion then he will have a beneficial interest in the property and you have no idea whether he is on the deeds or not.

Where XH has gone wrong is telling DD the amount he got and whst he was doing with it.

Try to explain it in terms of money she wasn't expecting and therefore its a bonus.

If he's left the OP to struggle as a single parent all these years, to be honest, I'd expect him to share a windfall with HIS OWN children.