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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel cross? Or is it none of my damned business?

120 replies

bluebeck · 08/07/2017 19:38

XH just came into around £50k unexpectedly.

We have two DC, DD is at uni and really struggling financially (London) despite working 25 hours a week. I give her what I can but have debts due to being SP for years and trying to keep a roof over DC head.

DS will start uni next year.

XH has said that he will be spending half of the money on himself - new car and other things. The remainder he has said he will divide equally between DC - AND his girlfriends 5 DC.

He has only been with her about 18 months and all her DC are adults and have their own partners/homes etc.

They do live together and I have no doubt it is a serious relationship (she wasn't OW or anything and I have nothing against her) but I just feel really shocked that he is going to give thousands of pounds to these people rather than to his own DC.

AIBU? If I were in the same position I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I would only give the money to my own family. It feels like he is trying to ingratiate himself to girlfriend at the expense of his own DC.

DD is upset and doesn't understand. DS also looked very shocked when DD told him but is more forgiving.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 09/07/2017 07:05

His daughter as a student, is struggling and she IS his responsibility.

She's getting thousands of extra, unexpected dollars from him.

Pemba · 09/07/2017 07:06

Well we are not going to agree on this, if they had been young and living at home, when he got together with their mum, so he was taking a parental role, it might be more understandable. He hardly knows these young people. If they were decent, they'd refuse.

As it is, I imagine the OP is right that he is just doing it to look like a big man. I think it makes him a bit of a crap father to his own DCs. Still at least 3.5 thousand will help a bit, it's better than nothing.

TheStoic · 09/07/2017 07:08

He hardly knows these young people. If they were decent, they'd refuse.

How do you know all this? The OP probably doesn't even know all the things you're assuming.

If my daughter came to me and complained that her dad was giving her money but she was upset that it wasn't enough because he was giving some to other people too, I'd be a bit ashamed of her.

Pemba · 09/07/2017 07:12

The OP knows how long he's known them. And that they were already adults.

And if my new partner got a windfall and gave equal shares to his own kids and to my grown up children he'd known for less than two years, I'd feel ashamed of him as an irresponsible father, and put pressure on my DCs to refuse. I'd feel ashamed of them if they accepted. There you go.

TheStoic · 09/07/2017 07:13

Yes. Different values.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 07:14

He sounds like an arsehole. Can you talk to him?

Pemba · 09/07/2017 07:15

I appreciate you see it differently, and you're entitled to your opinion but I should think more people would see it my way/ the OP's way.

user1497480444 · 09/07/2017 07:16

so you are upset that your DC are getting an unexpected present of several grand each, from someone who is not required to give them anything?

how grabby. And how grabby of your children to be upset. I would personally be very ashamed if my DC reacted like this.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/07/2017 07:21

He's buying his girlfriend by giving money to her kids.

But there's nothing you can do.

aleC4 · 09/07/2017 07:23

*so you are upset that your DC are getting an unexpected present of several grand each, from someone who is not required to give them anything?

how grabby. And how grabby of your children to be upset. I would personally be very ashamed if my DC reacted like this.*

The man is their father. How is he 'not required to give them anything'?
That seems a strange way to look at things.
They are both still in full time education and therefore he is duty bound to provide for them.
I would be extremely angry for my dc in this situation. They are not being 'grabby' at all. They are hurting because their dad has treated them badly.

I really feel for you op, it's a difficult situation and really resonates with me as my xh has a girlfriend with 5 kids too.

Hassled · 09/07/2017 07:26

It's difficult though - yes, he's the Ex and the DCs are adults and it's none of her business. But if it upsets the DCs and they come to you upset then that sort of does make it your business. I had a similar (but different) issue last year - ExH did something which really hurt the feelings of our adult DCs, who offloaded to me. I did interfere - told ExH he hadn't been fair, and he didn't like it and I probably shouldn't have done it. But when you see your lovely DCs hurt it's bloody hard to keep your thoughts to yourself. So I really sympathise.

DeadGood · 09/07/2017 07:26

I'd love for there to be a moratorium on the word "grabby" on here. It really looks like people saw it used once, thought "using that word will make me look like a very moral person" and then trot it out on every one of these threads.

YANBU at all OP. If the girlfriend had one child, who still lived at home, that your ex lived with and knew well - then maybe he should share.

But the fact is he is trying to ingratiate himself with his girlfriend - at the expense of his own kids. He should be ashamed.

I'd talk to him if I were you. Not saying you should - it'll probably backfire - but if I were in your position, I would really struggle not to say something. Idiot might not realise just how damaging this will be to his relationship with his own children.

But as I've seen with depressing predictability, men will often choose a new partner's wishes over those of his own offspring.

gobbynorthernbird · 09/07/2017 07:28

I don't understand why the ex is being slated for spending half the money on himself. £25K would buy what? A decent, but not flash, second hand car and maybe a holiday/some minor home improvements? There's nothing to suggest he's pissing it up the wall.

As for the DC, how ungrateful.

Binkybix · 09/07/2017 07:44

Wait. Was this investment made with family money when you were together? Any chance a share of it is rightfully yours?

He sounds like a tool because you are struggling to support your kids and he is spending £25k on himself.

StickThatInYourPipe · 09/07/2017 07:51

Does he provide for them normally OP? Does he help towards things financially etc? If he does then I think you are being unreasonable.

whattodowiththepoo · 09/07/2017 08:04

None of your business.

MyNewBearTotoro · 09/07/2017 08:07

I guess it depends how he came into the £50k and how he and his partner manage their finances.

If he and his new partner share their finances and/ or if he was able to get this money due to the support of his partner then he might not see this money as 'his' but view it as shared/ household money and thus he might feel it more fair to split it between all of the household's children rather than only his own.

MudCity · 09/07/2017 08:08

Being upset for being given 3.5k? Seriously? I'd be over the moon.

Dumdedumdedum · 09/07/2017 08:15

He has two children who are still not financially independent of him but is splitting the amount he has decided to give away between his own children and the adult children of his current partner who he has known for 18 months? I think that's obnoxious behaviour and I actually do think it is your business, OP, as it affects your own children and they are currently struggling. BUT, unfortunately, I don't think you can say anything to him yourself, as he's your ex. As someone has suggested above, your daughter could perhaps explain to him how upset she is, as though it is a great gesture on his part to be giving her and her sibling anything at all, it feels as if they are not as important to him as the children of his new partner, and is upsetting in that respect, from an emotional, not a financial, point of view. If that makes sense?

Cheekichi · 09/07/2017 08:16

How old are your own children OP? You say that your daughter is at uni and has been a single parent "for years" so I assume she is not 18? You son is just about to go to university so presumable 18 (or older if he has been working first)? If your children were of school age I would have more sympathy. Your children are getting an unexpected windfall - why can't they (and you) see that and be pleased?

£3,500 is a lot of money and will go a long way. Your daughter's children are her own responsibility; it's nice if you and your ex choose to help her out financially when you can but I do think that she should be grateful for £3,500 that she wouldn't have otherwise had - not feel hard done to that she isn't getting more.

The money belongs to your ex to do with as he wishes - absolutely none of your business. There is nothing in your original post that suggests he has not fulfilled his financial obligations to them growing up or that he has been a bad or selfish dad.

Your children are now adults and one of them has children of her own - which are HER responsibility and nobody else's. You say your son is less bothered, is that because he doesn't have kids? Or can he see that his father is doing something nice by giving him a substantial amount of money that he wouldn't otherwise have had?

I query why some posters think the ex is trying to show off? Could it just be that he is spreading his good fortune around to as many of those he loves as he can? How nice that he loves/cares about the grown up children of his partner whom the OP states is in a serious relationship with him.

I do understand that your reaction comes out of concern for your children but can you see that they are old enough to deal with this by themselves? When they were learning to walk you couldn't stop them falling over but it didn't mean you didn't love them, you were literally letting them stand on their own two feet. Do the same thing here. Your ex's relationship with his kids is between the three of them now and not something you should interfere with so try to step back as it will strengthen your own relationship with them.

Onhold · 09/07/2017 08:18

He's not just someone. He's their dad.

MyNewBearTotoro · 09/07/2017 08:19

I would also say that when it comes down to it it is generous for him to be giving away any of the money to your DC. He would not be unreasonable to keep the money for himself, either to spend or to save. My parents came into £60k a few years ago and didn't share any of it with me or any of my siblings (even though they did not need the money and could have afforded to give it away) and we never expected that they would.

He is being very generous if he gives your DC £3.5k each and what he does with the rest of the money is not really your business or theirs. I think maybe he has been a bit foolish for telling your DC he is splitting the £25k with his partner's children, if he had just given your two £3.5k each and not mentioned what he was doing with the rest he probably could have saved them feeling like they do now and they would no doubt have felt happy to be receiving such a large sum of money. I can see the way they're looking at it is that maybe if he wasn't giving money to his partners children they'd each be receiving £12.5k instead of £3.5k but there's nothing to say he would have given them that money even if he was single, he might have spent or saved it on himself.

Your DC need to be grateful for the gift they're receiving and to try not to focus on what he is doing with the rest of his money - he is being generous to be giving them a sum of his cash, certainly it's not something all parents would do, and they need to focus on the positive of receiving their gift rather than being jealous that the gift has been given to others too.

Pemba · 09/07/2017 08:24

You misread the OP Cheekichi

' I give her what I can but have debts due to being SP for years and trying to keep a roof over DC head.'

The OP clearly means she is a single parent HERSELF. So, yes the DD could be 18 or not much older.

Cheekichi · 09/07/2017 08:24

I agree with NewBear, his mistake was explain what he was giving to others or keeping. Would the OP's children feel hard done to if they only knew they were getting £3,500? Of course not. They just feel that they are entitled to more because they know that there is more. This is quite an immature reaction and why the OP needs to let the ex and his kids work through it themselves.

Cheekichi · 09/07/2017 08:28

Thank you for pointing that out Pemba. So strike comments regarding daughter's kids. However, if the OP's ex has met his financial commitments to his kids regarding university then what is the problem with him dividing up a windfall as he wishes. I stand by the rest of my post.

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