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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 is too young

111 replies

missiondecision · 08/07/2017 11:31

Dd is 17
Her friend has a boyfriend age 21
He lives in another county 40 miles away and is having a party at his house.
My dd only knows 1 person there (her friend)
She needs to travel by 2 x trains and change this evening by herself, never done the journey before.
She will have to stay overnight.
She suffers from anxiety and has not had boyfriend (not sure that's relevant).
Her friend has helpfully told her to go despite my saying no.
Aibu to say no? She has a lot of freedom with people/friends she does know. I just don't like the idea that she knows only 1 person and is along from home.

OP posts:
Samcro · 08/07/2017 11:33

imo you will be doing her a favour if you say no, will give her an out

Onhold · 08/07/2017 11:33

Does she want to go?

chips4teaplease · 08/07/2017 11:33

Let her go by train. Be there to pick her up at a reasonable (to her) time.

kaytee87 · 08/07/2017 11:33

I'm not sure you can stop her at that age?
I moved out when I was 17 and was studying and working full time.
Is she sure she actually wants to go though?

Birdsgottaf1y · 08/07/2017 11:35

It should be her decision and you putting a downer on it won't help her anxiety.

At 17, you should be open to new experiences and it shouldn't matter if you know anyone at a party.

It's time for you to let her grow up.

Original poster
missiondecision · 08/07/2017 11:35

Forgot to say . She has to travel by train into London, change then out again. No direct route.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 08/07/2017 11:36

Go and collect her at 11.30 / midnight then , she's 17 , you can't really stop her going out .

LindyHemming · 08/07/2017 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 08/07/2017 11:38

Well I had left home by then so the concept of saying no to a 17 yr old about their social life is lost on me.

Does she want to go? You could always tell her to use you a an excuse if she doesn't want to.

oldestmumaintheworld · 08/07/2017 11:40

I think you are being rather over protective. We all worry about our children, but they need to grow up and leave. As parents we need to help them to do that safely by allowing them to have new experiences and learning from them, so yes she should go. Of course she should. Taking two trains and changing is nothing. My children have done this from the age of 14 going backwards and forwards to school. I think perhaps that you are the one who is anxious. Her friend sounds like she is trying to be encouraging and that's a good thing.

TeenagersandFurbabies · 08/07/2017 11:40

She needs to put the national rail app on her phone I always,use it when traveling by train.

BertrandRussell · 08/07/2017 11:40

Does she want to go?

Original poster
missiondecision · 08/07/2017 11:43

Thanks for your replies.
To all of you saying let her go,
So are you not concerned about her being alone and in no position to get help or come home should she need to? She is quite young for her age and definitely inexperienced when it comes to young men in their 20's, let alone when they are drunk.
Im genuinely interested for own reality check, I'm a real worrier.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 08/07/2017 11:52

Truthfully I'd be concerned for a 17 yr old who hadn't got train by herself up to now.

If she wants to go, let her with proviso that if she texts u to collect her you'll be there, or alternatively help her make public transport plans for getting home.

If she doesn't want to go don't make her, but you , IMO, should be generally encouraging her to go out, meet friends etc, rather than let your anxiety make hers worse.

MrsPorth · 08/07/2017 11:56

It's up to her, really. However, if she doesn't want to go (you imply this) she shouldn't feel coerced by her friend or boyfriend.

I don't think that the age gap is problematic.

You sound overanxious but I'm the same so I "get" it. It's not ok, but I empathise.

RoseVase2010 · 08/07/2017 11:57

If she wants to go let her go, 17 is plenty old enough, if she's worried about advances she can always say she has a boyfriend or maybe ask her friend's boyfriend to appoint a nice friend to look after her. Not all 21 year old boys are sex crazed drunks.

MumsOnCrack · 08/07/2017 12:01

I understand your worries but I did similar at that age with my parents consent. The only difference is that I took a friend with me - is that a possibility?

LuxCoDespondent · 08/07/2017 12:01

It's natural to worry, but legally she could move out altogether and you would have no right to stop her, no right to prevent her living with whoever she chose.

At some point she will have to travel alone, change trains alone, be at an event where she doesn't know (m)any people well. It's part of the learning process.

If she wants to go, you can't stop her. But have a conversation with her and try to make her realise what she is doing, the potential challenges she will face, and above all that she wants to go, and that her friend is not pushing her into it. It's perfectly acceptable for you to explain your concerns to her, but it's up to her as to whether she listens to you.

SaltyBitch · 08/07/2017 12:01

Can you make plans? Day/evening out? Theatre tickets she has to use!

Convient 'busy' excuse rather than being told no and going anyway.

StatelessPrincess · 08/07/2017 12:02

If she wants to go then she should, it isn't your decision to make OP, she's a young adult.

Tilapia · 08/07/2017 12:02

If she needs to get home would you be able to go and pick her up?

The bit that would worry me is if the friend shares a bedroom with her boyfriend, where will your DD be sleeping?

rogueantimatter · 08/07/2017 12:10

I wouldn't be happy with this.

Friend's boyfriend is 21 so presumably his friends will be a similar age and therefore much more experienced with alcohol than your DD is. And she only has one friend at the party to look after her and no safe way of getting home if she gets into difficulties.

The train wouldn't bother me. But staying over at a party with older people would.

Original poster
missiondecision · 08/07/2017 12:11

Exactly tilapia. I don't know.
I feel shit with everyone saying I can't stop her. I know I can't. I wouldn't bother trying. She asked my opinion, I gave her my concerns.
I'm concerned about the set up where u she has no control or way out if she needed to or wanted to.
I like the idea to collect her. But. When I suggested that, she was not happy about picked up by her parents.

OP posts:
Tilapia · 08/07/2017 12:13

I think a compromise. You let her go but you insist on picking her up?

Tilapia · 08/07/2017 12:14

I'm v relaxed about this sort of thing btw. But I wouldn't feel happy about the situation you describe.

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