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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

17 is too young

111 replies

missiondecision · 08/07/2017 11:31

Dd is 17
Her friend has a boyfriend age 21
He lives in another county 40 miles away and is having a party at his house.
My dd only knows 1 person there (her friend)
She needs to travel by 2 x trains and change this evening by herself, never done the journey before.
She will have to stay overnight.
She suffers from anxiety and has not had boyfriend (not sure that's relevant).
Her friend has helpfully told her to go despite my saying no.
Aibu to say no? She has a lot of freedom with people/friends she does know. I just don't like the idea that she knows only 1 person and is along from home.

OP posts:

Jux · 09/07/2017 02:45

Oh bother! I misread the op and thought the lad was her boyfriend, not that it was her friend's bf.

She'll have a rotten time - as said upthread, her friend will stick to the boyfriend, probably disappear with him, and leave her just hanging about with a load of drunk people who she doesn't know.

LondonSouth28 · 09/07/2017 07:11

Sounds like she is open to you saying no she can't go. Maybe suggest something else you could do that night - something a bit different/special so she can say to friend she can't go as something else special/family related that she really can't get out of! She sounds like she is looking for a good excuse to give to her friend beyond mum says no. Remind her there will be plenty more parties - so many parties - and this one just doesn't seem right.

Original poster

missiondecision · 09/07/2017 09:16

Thanks for the replies.
Im sure she'll forgive me eventually. Right now is rather frosty.
I feel reassured that I'm not the only parent that would say no.
Interestingly when my dd told her friend she wasn't going to the party her friend was not staying over night anymore and was being collected.
It does make me think she needed my dd to stay so that she could, hence her saying oh just go anyway.

OP posts:

rogueantimatter · 09/07/2017 12:59

I'm very glad her friend's parents were going to collect her.

There will be lots of other, better parties.

It's so difficult at that age when they're almost independent but still inexperienced.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 09/07/2017 13:05

If she wants to go let her. When my DH was that age he had moved out of home into central London one of my uni friends was only 17 when she arrived there and nearly all of us were 18. We all managed fine living away from home travelling round the country. Sounds like she needs to start getting some life experience under her belt tbh

swingofthings · 09/07/2017 13:18

Anxiety and lack of confidence and belief in oneself is a growing problem for many young adults. My friend has worked in admin in a Uni for 20 years and she says that it was never heard of then, but now almost every other students has some sort of issues with anxiety that prevents them from getting on with normal life. She says that those who do manage to finish and graduate often end up with no jobs at the end because they can't cope with the fear associated with work.

I am starting to understand why that is reading so many over protective parents who seem to think they know better what their kids can't cope with than the teenager themselves. It's no surprise that with a parent who doesn't believe in your ability to face a conflictual situation, they would end up believing that they are not capable of coping and getting more and more anxious as a result.

I feel so sorry for these kids because battling these issues are hard as a teenager, but become even harder as a young adult when you are suddenly expected to deal with situations you've always been told are too much for you.

Jux · 09/07/2017 14:17

Ah, if her friend's parents are collecting them, then let her go, definitely.

rogueantimatter · 09/07/2017 14:57

DS has a 17YO friend who got so drunk at their prom night that when the friend got home the friend's parents called an ambulance which took took her/him to hospital where his/her stomach was pumped. Imagine if DS' friend had stayed over. Would the friends have called an ambulance?

People die of alcohol poisoning.

And get into unwanted sexual encounters.

Better to practice going to parties closer to home with friends for a bit first.

Mammylamb · 09/07/2017 15:01

I was about to say at 17 she should be doing this sort of thing and for you to butt out. Then I got this awful feeling... can she take a friend with her? Can you or someone else give her a lift home? I don't thing you can actually forbid her at her age, but you can let her know that you are a bit worried

roundaboutthetown · 09/07/2017 21:36

Bollocks that not letting a teen stay the night at a strange boy's party is a cause of increased teen anxiety - that is a prime example of the sort of thing parents used to be more strict about, not less. There are plenty of ways to increase a child's independence that don't involve parties and staying out all night with strangers, if the parents are not sure about the particular people having the party and therefore are not particularly happy for their child to do it.

DJBaggySmalls · 09/07/2017 21:43

Independence and risk assessment are skills you learn gradually and under decreasing supervision.

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