17 is too young

[missiondecision]

Dd is 17
Her friend has a boyfriend age 21
He lives in another county 40 miles away and is having a party at his house.
My dd only knows 1 person there (her friend)
She needs to travel by 2 x trains and change this evening by herself, never done the journey before.
She will have to stay overnight.
She suffers from anxiety and has not had boyfriend (not sure that's relevant).
Her friend has helpfully told her to go despite my saying no.
Aibu to say no? She has a lot of freedom with people/friends she does know. I just don't like the idea that she knows only 1 person and is along from home.

Doesn't she have a phone?

Phones can get lost,go out of battery,be out of reach,removed etc.

Even so,she's 40 miles away,it's not like OP could get there in minutes if needed.

So she suffers from anxiety but yet is prepared to do something that would mean confronting her fears, and most likely, will give her a sense of accomplishment and make her realise she can do a lot more than she thought, and you want to prevent her?

Are you sure you're not contributing to her feelings of anxiety if every time she wants to do something, you are telling her she couldn't possibly cope with the situation?

What you should be telling her is how proud you are of her for taking on this challenge, seat with her to go through the journey to minimise the risks of her getting lost. Go over different scenarios when things could go wrong and discuss what she should do if any happened. Make sure her phone is charged and has credit so that no matter what, she can always contact you.

Thank you for all the replies.
I feel a little more reassured that I'm not alone.
The travelling doesn't bother me. She went on a trip to Europe with some really good friends, no problem. I know they all look after each other.
My concern is the set up where is let to fend for herself, miles from nowhere and not very worldly-wise. Never had a boyfriend and is quite naive in that department. I'd never forgive myself.

Bloody hell. 17 isn't a grown woman. It's a teenager.

I'd say no. Inexperienced on trains, only one person she knows at a party, who will no doubt be preoccupied with her boyfriend, quite a stressful evening mixing with strangers, and then sleeping over - what in /on? I'd find that stressful and i'm not an anxious teenager.

+1 to this. (I was a very independent seventeen year old, but that, I know, is neither here nor there in relation to the OP, and I did not suffer with anxiety back then...)

Honestly, I would try to help her getting used to travel and so on, but this sounds like too much, too soon, since she suffers from anxiety.

I'd it was me I don't think I'd sat to her she can't go. For one thing she asked for your opinion not your permission. I'd say to her you'd rather she didn't and outline the reasons why. Hopefully she'll agree. If she's determined to go make sure she has her phone fully charged and money for a taxi. If not for a taxi home then at least enough to get away from a situation she's not happy with

I wouldn't be happy with this for my 17 year old (who is very young for her age) but I have long accepted that how I treat my teenage kids (and even my 20 year old son) is way way different to UK/MN attitudes. Not sure which is better but we are poles apart.

So basically she wants to stay the night otherwise she would be happy with you collecting her .

I wouldn't want a 17-year old dd of mine doing that. Clearly it is not enough for the friend to only know her boyfriend at the party, so she wants some moral support by taking your dd along, but once there, who's to say she won't slope off with the boyfriend, leaving your dd without any moral support and stuck there for the night? Is your dd being used as some kind of protection for her friend, in case her bf pressures her to do something she doesn't want? Frankly, I think she's too young at 17 to deal with a party full of slightly older, but frankly still pretty immature, young adults who are complete strangers to her just because her friend is nagging her to go - unless she is a) supremely socially confident, which it doesn't sound as though she is; b) extremely keen to go, which it doesn't sound as though she really is; and c) extremely sensible and mature for her age and thus equipped to stick up for herself in a tricky situation involving alcohol, young people and what sounds like an unsupervised party, but is certainly not a party you sound like you know enough of the details about.

A lot of this is about the friend surely?
I had a 21 year old boyfriend when I was 17, we had parties and helped out with a band (his brother was in it) who played local gigs. I would say we were all conscious of anyone around who might be naive or new to that kind of thing and kept an eye on them.

If anyone did anything stupid and needed a hospital or a parent calling, we'd have sorted it. But I admit I don't recall having any under 18s staying over who didn't have parents reasonably local. There were drugs going round but I presume you are aware of that? I never took drugs (long term health issues including anxiety) so it also helps to know if there are people about who won't be drunk or off their face and will notice a person having an anxiety attack etc.

the only person she knows is her friend, that friend is going with her boyfriend and presumably spending the night with him. So overnight your daughter is going to be sleeping on a floor with random, quite a bit older, strangers?

You cant stop her, but Id certainly be telling her it doesnt sound ideal.

Surely she'll have money/a card and a phone. If so there's no shortage of ways she could leave if she wanted to. I don't think it's going to help her anxiety to suggest she'd be effectively trapped and helpless there when really it's no big deal and all she'd need to do is call a cab/order an uber. If her phone died she could ask to borrow someone else's. I have anxiety too, I know these basic things aren't as easy as they sound for some of us, but trust me, it's not remotely helpful to reinforce the idea that everyday things like this are too much to expect someone with anxiety to handle.

She's 17. For the next couple of years there's going to be a lot of socialising with older teens and people in their early 20's. She's going to have to be a part of that if she wants a social life, which it sounds like she very much does. A party at her best friends boyfriends place is a much better venue to get used to that than the more standard 'party at random' place'. Beside's, a party full of only 17-18yr old's really isn't any safer or better managed. The opposite in my experience.

I'd let her go. Just give her some cash if she has none and make sure she knows your number and that of a cab company in case her phone dies/she loses it.

OP you still haven't said if your DD really wants to go,if she wants to go bcs her friend is pushing it or doesn't want to go but doesn't want to "lose face".

A 17-year-old should be capable of mingling with people aged 21 to be honest. By her next birthday she'll be university age where she'll meet fellow students in their 20s. I had a boyfriend of 21 when I was 17 and my next boyfriend was 25 when I was 18/19. You seem worried that your daughter isn't worldly-wise - well, to be honest it's probably because you're treating her like a 12-year-old. She is 17. She can catch a train and she can go to a party. Men in their 20s are no more likely to harm her than boys her own age.

missiondecision lovely that so many people want you to allow your anxious, young for her age, 17 year old daughter to be put in this position!

I certainly would not be allowing or encouraging my dd to go at age 17.

I think you should like a caring mum and rightly concerned.

"I feel shit with everyone saying I can't stop her. I know I can't." You can continue explain your concerns and allow her to know that it is not because you want to stop her fun.

I'd talk to dd to see if she actually wants to go. Parties can be quite boring and actually for a socially anxious person who knows no one at the party it sounds like a fucking nightmare! It may end up with her drinking too much due to boredom!

If she really, really wants to go just say you will collect her a couple of hours later. "..she was not happy about picked up by her parents." BUT No one would know how she was getting home except her friend. You could call her, say I am a few doors down, she says bye to her friend, leaves party and gets into your car."

Personally, I would not let her stay in an apartment of a man of twenty where there are likely to be several other drunk men. And i would not allow her to travel back by train at night alone. She may be very grown up at 17 (although you say she is not) but she is still a child and lives with you.

If she, at 17, sneaked out and did that, it is her choice and, I feel a poor one.

Get her views first, why does she want to go, is it just to prove to her friend she is 'grown up' - what pressure is her friend putting on her?

Continue to explain your concerns.

Her friend sounds like a bad influence friend. I had one of those years ago, wanted me to go on holiday at 16 with her and her older boyfriend and his friend and sleep with his friend (so I found out in time and did not go).

But it's not just "mingling" with 21yos, is it? It's spending a night in a house with people she's never met before. If she was meeting fellow students at uni she'd have her own room to go back to.

Rawhh and rogueantimatter great advice.

Totally agree with NC4now "I'd be concerned about her friend spending all night locked to her boyfriend and DD being a spare part." Have you mentioned this to your dd. This is a reality.

swingofthings "So she suffers from anxiety but yet is prepared to do something that would mean confronting her fears, and most likely, will give her a sense of accomplishment and make her realise she can do a lot more than she thought, and you want to prevent her?"

There are loads of things this child could do which would encourage her and her confidence. Staying overnight in a house with a load of most likely slightly older most likely drunk men doesn't sound like a good way to learn, more likely an unpleasant experience will set her back in terms of anxiety!

"Go over different scenarios when things could go wrong and discuss what she should do if any happened." What would you include in that, swingofthings.

dollydaydream114 "A 17-year-old should be capable of mingling with people aged 21 to be honest." I was mingling with men in their early 20s at 16. I was fine, however, there was booze around and also drugs, and motorbikes.

My parents had no idea because I was with my friend and they knew her parents and liked them. It was not a good environment for a 16 year old. It really does depend what these twenty somethings are like. Plus because it is a party, rather than a day out, I think it is a very different kind of mingling. If the OP's dd has anxiety she may well not go to uni straightaway, I didn't go until 22 all kids are different.

The fact she asked for your opinion suggests to me she doesn't want to go.

I would say no, as a 21 year old myself. The friend will go off with her boyfriend, leaving your DD on her own. And I don't think I would feel happy at 17, staying over at a house with older men I've never met when my one friend will be preoccupied.

If one other friend was going, or it wasn't over night I would say maybe, but it sounds to me like the friend isn't allowed to go alone to see her BF, so is taking your DD.

For fuck's sake, a 17 year old is NOT an adult. Your daughter does not sound as though she is in any way ready for this. Trust your instincts, and start working with her in order to develop her self-reliance.

Possibly the friend will bugger off with her boyfriend and your DD might be one her own chatting to 18-26 year olds. That could be fine?

For fuck's sake, a 17 year old is NOT an adult

It's very close to it. How is she going to get used to doing things if she never tries?
If she doesn't want to go, she shouldn't. But if its her mother saying she can't go because she can't manage to get herself somewhere by train or talk to people she doesn't know, that's a whole different thing.

I was doing similar trips on my own age 17, and that was pretty mobile phones. Being able to get yourself around is an essential life skill. Perhaps you could plan her journeys together using national rail or similar? Text at agreed intervals eg when each stage completed and upon arrival? That way you let go a bit but still have some reassurance. Best of luck whatever you decide.

It's completely irrelevant if you went off on your own when you were young. This is about OP's anxious, inexperienced DD going to a place where there will be a lot of alcohol, older men and no easy way to get home.

No, its about how the OP feels about it, not about how the young woman feels, which OP doesn' actually tell us.