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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

17 is too young

111 replies

missiondecision · 08/07/2017 11:31

Dd is 17
Her friend has a boyfriend age 21
He lives in another county 40 miles away and is having a party at his house.
My dd only knows 1 person there (her friend)
She needs to travel by 2 x trains and change this evening by herself, never done the journey before.
She will have to stay overnight.
She suffers from anxiety and has not had boyfriend (not sure that's relevant).
Her friend has helpfully told her to go despite my saying no.
Aibu to say no? She has a lot of freedom with people/friends she does know. I just don't like the idea that she knows only 1 person and is along from home.

OP posts:

notangelinajolie · 08/07/2017 15:57

I think she probably is old enough but you know your daughter best and if you don't think she should be going then absolutely you shouldn't let her. You are probably doing her a favour. She will get over it.

brasty · 08/07/2017 16:17

OP's DD is anxious and inexperienced because she has been over protected. You get experience by doing things.

Emboo19 · 08/07/2017 16:40

So are you not concerned about her being alone and in no position to get help or come home should she need to? She is quite young for her age and definitely inexperienced when it comes to young men in their 20's, let alone when they are drunk.

I think as a parent it's part and parcel of your job to be concerned. It's also your job to prepare her for life away from home though.
Your main concern seems to be these 21 year old men who are going to be there. Have you considered that's maybe why she wants to go?

Why would she have no control when she's there? And please don't put that in her mind! If she feels uncomfortable or unsafe she should know that she has every right to leave and go somewhere she does. My parents always said, it doesn't matter what time or how far, if you need us phone us! And I did, two days into a week in Cornwall with my high school boyfriend and my dad drove to get me (around 6 hours drive away).

Fl0ellafunbags · 08/07/2017 16:42

I went travelling alone in Europe at seventeen. I survived. I think you need to get some perspective.

Buck3t · 08/07/2017 16:59

My parents would never let me go and so at 17 I never went. What is age appropriate is different for different children though.
I wouldn't let her go if she were mine not with anxieties that you describe. I'd also think very poorly of a friend who encouraged her to do otherwise.

Restawhile · 08/07/2017 16:59

OP, you sound very unsure about it. Go with your gut and say no or drop there and pick up later.

It sounds a big step forward from what your daughter has done before. I would be unhappy with the travelling alone at this stage with her experience. It's a big step forward having no relationship experience then mixing with 21 year olds. Things can get out of hand , especially if there's alcohol involved . I feel worried for her myself now.

To be honest in your shoes I would say no.

llangennith · 08/07/2017 17:12

13yo DGD travels all over London and Surrey by herself. She has a mobile phone and her mother keeps track of where she is via Find My Friends.
DGD doesn't know this!

megletthesecond · 08/07/2017 17:30

If this was a local party with a gang of friends (plus the alcohol and drugs that entails) it wouldn't be so bad. But this sounds like a party where she could possibly be on her own, some distance away and with potentially more alcohol and drugs. The more I think about it the more risky it sounds.

Tilapia · 08/07/2017 17:32

But it's not just the travelling which the OP is worried about, it's staying overnight in a house belonging to a 21yo man who the DD has never met before.

RebelRogue · 08/07/2017 17:48

Why would she have no control when she's there?

Having no backup,except for one friend who could be busy or side with the bf.
No "quick" escape. She's over 40 miles away,in an unfamiliar city,with strangers.
Uncomfortable/unable to say no to things/situations that get out of hand.

Are there even any other girls coming to this thing?
It's not that a rare scenario for an older guy to ask his younger gf to bring friends over to a "party" and bad things happening.

Emboo19 · 08/07/2017 18:19

Ok! But she has a friend who I presume is a good one and she trusts.
She's known the address so can find it on google maps to see what's near by and put local taxi firm numbers in her phone.
Being uncomfortable and unable to say no can be the case anywhere and with anyone. You are far more likely to be sexual assaulted by someone you know and in many cases had a relationship with.
Same with things/situations getting out of hand, that can happen anywhere.

Original poster

missiondecision · 08/07/2017 19:55

Thanks again for your different perspectives.
I'm going to trust my gut instinct whilst taking time to deal with the notion that yes, I am being over protective.
I trust her and her ability to arrive safely. She is an intelligent girl and has travelled to Germany already this year with friends she has known along time, she trusts them and so I was perfectly happy with that.
This is a party for 21/22 year man and his friends, my dd friend is still 16 until August, I don't like the age gap or the set up.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 08/07/2017 20:11

So she is not 17 , think you would have had different responses to the thread had you said she is 16 in the OP .

WillRikersExtraNipple · 08/07/2017 20:13

Oh so now she's only 16?

rogueantimatter · 08/07/2017 20:15

TBH and I don't care if I'm flamed for saying it, I always wonder why a 21YO would want to have a gf who is only 16. They're at different stages of life. My DD is almost 21 and I can't imagine any of her male friends going out with someone who is only 16. It would be different if they were 20 and 25.

Love51 · 08/07/2017 20:15

It reads that the friend is only 16. The dd is 17, her friend is in the same academic year but hasn't yet had her birthday. Nit hard to understand.

rogueantimatter · 08/07/2017 20:16

No, her dd is 17, friend is 16. Floralnomad WillRikersExtraNipple

Amd724 · 08/07/2017 20:31

I'm going to go with a nah on this one. I also don't understand the people who say that you can't stop her from going at 17. They aren't an adult, yes they're close but they aren't. Since they can move you at that age it means they should be able to roam free? If you wanted to roam free, you weren't going to be living with my parents. If my parents didn't want me to go somewhere while I was still living in their home, and underage, I didn't go. Simple. I wasn't stupid enough to sneak out, because knowing my parents that'd be the last time I was in public for months other than school.

There's being over protective and there's being suffocating. The fact that you're thinking about it doesn't mean you're suffocating or even over-protective. I think you're right to question whether she should go with her 16 year old friend, 40 miles away, to a party with people YOU'VE NEVER MET other than her friend. For her to sleep over, with booze and strange men.

If this was my daughter, it'd be a nah, you ain't going honey unless I drop you off and pick you up. To me, its better safe than sorry. You're just going to be awake the entire night, wondering if she's OK. If you can't sleep at night knowing she's at this party, why in the world would you let her go? I was 18 when my parents sent me off to Japan for 6 weeks. My parents said the only reason they slept at night was because I was with a group of TRUSTED friends. You don't know these men, thus you don't trust them. So, a nah.

Floralnomad · 08/07/2017 20:37

Ok sorry misread that , where the her parents in this , makes me wonder if her mum has said she can go if your dd is going and can't if not .

dnwig · 08/07/2017 21:06

My 17 year old went to Germany by herself. Travelled within the country without knowing any German.

So it depends on the 17 year old I think! Does she feel confident to do it?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/07/2017 21:31

I think you've come to the right decision op. There's a huge difference between a 17 year old party and that if a 22 year old.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/07/2017 21:31

*of

ItsGone · 08/07/2017 21:36

This is a party for 21/22 year man and his friends, my dd friend is still 16 until August, I don't like the age gap or the set up.

Neither would I.

roundaboutthetown · 09/07/2017 01:00

Failing to see the connection between travelling around a foreign country and going to a complete stranger's house for a party and crashing out there. Unless, of course, the travelling around Germany/other bits of Europe involved being out very late at night and sleeping in random strangers' private homes after partying with them, rather than staying in hostels. I would happily have gone backpacking with a chosen group of friends at that age, but would not have been so happy about the party - only one friend with a closer eye on her boyfriend than me would not be my idea of a fun time. I've had friends spin that one on me before and it invariably ended with said friend disappearing and leaving me at the mercy of some tiresome sleaze for the night.

Italiangreyhound · 09/07/2017 01:15

roundaboutthetown "Failing to see the connection between ..."

Completely this!

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