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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 is too young

111 replies

missiondecision · 08/07/2017 11:31

Dd is 17
Her friend has a boyfriend age 21
He lives in another county 40 miles away and is having a party at his house.
My dd only knows 1 person there (her friend)
She needs to travel by 2 x trains and change this evening by herself, never done the journey before.
She will have to stay overnight.
She suffers from anxiety and has not had boyfriend (not sure that's relevant).
Her friend has helpfully told her to go despite my saying no.
Aibu to say no? She has a lot of freedom with people/friends she does know. I just don't like the idea that she knows only 1 person and is along from home.

OP posts:
Atenco · 08/07/2017 12:14

It is very hard to adjust to their growing up, OP, I understand.

rogueantimatter · 08/07/2017 12:16

Could she invent an excuse for not staying over perhaps?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/07/2017 12:17

Hmm, I have a fairly adventurous 17 year old: went to uni open days on her own, went abroad with a mate etc. I would be a uncomfortable with her going to this party though. Alcohol fuelled young men, unfamiliar situation, no other friends, not good. (And I am the mother of a young man myself so I know that most are lovely, but you cannot know what this crowd is like).

Rawhh · 08/07/2017 12:17

I had anxiety at your DDs age and although I loved the idea of going to parties when I was there I felt trapped. I worked around it by not drinking and driving myself so that I could stay until I wanted to go. I wouldn't give lifts to my friends and they understood why. Gradually over 1 year I built up to not needing to do this.

Have you had a long chat with your daughter about what she would do if she became anxious whilst at the party. What to do if her flight or flight response sets in. She may on reflection be wanting you to say not to go.

All those posters saying they were fully independent at the age of 17 didn't necessarily have anxiety.

At that age I would have been fine traveling into London on the train changing trains etc and getting their I just would have been panicked about the actual party.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 08/07/2017 12:21

Don't let her go. I say that as I wish my mother had been bothered about where I went and who with at that age . It would have saved me from being in some awful situations that were actually dangerous as well as just uncomfortable. I cringe and look back in horror as to what happened and what could have.

rogueantimatter · 08/07/2017 12:22

Would it be okay for her to bring another friend with her to the party and you pick them both up after?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/07/2017 12:22

Though actually thinking about it, DD has been in a similar situation. Friend buggered off to bed with boyfriend early doors, DD slept on sofa while a group of young men played computer games in the room all night. She said they were harmless geeky types, like friends boyfriend, but even so, not a comfortable situation.

RebelRogue · 08/07/2017 12:24

Does she want to go?

Tbh I'd be really uncomfortable with the set up of the party,the ages of people involved and the fact that the only person she knows there is dating the host. It'd be a no from me, and I'm pretty relaxed about things like these and have wild teenage years behind me.
If you're normally reasonable and she gets plenty of freedom otherwise, one party where lots of things can go wrong won't ruin your relationship.

Love51 · 08/07/2017 12:25

Would any if her mates fancy going to a party. Then she would have someone to travel with!

MumsOnCrack · 08/07/2017 12:28

Couldn't she tell them her friend is also having a party the next day and so she is getting a lift home at x o'clock? That way she doesn't have to say she's being collected by her Mum?

ItsGone · 08/07/2017 12:28

I was happy for my D.C. to travel etc when they were 17. One flew on completely his own half way around the world including an overnight stop off to a third world county - he then had another night stay over to catch an internal flight the following day.

However, I wouldn't be thrilled about the situation that the OP had described. I don't think the traveling is an issue it's more the thought that she would be a bit powerless to leave if the party went tits up. If she was with a group of friends at a festival I wouldn't have problem but in this case the OPs DD is too reliant on her friend. The other lads are that much older and she doesn't know them. It seems a bit of an unknown - if she knew them them it would be different.

The OP has also said that her DD is a young 17 - i find they mature in leaps and bounds around that age. A young 17 could still be in need of parental guidence.

I used to pick up my D.C. from parties if they wanted me until they were adults - in fact I'd still do it if they were home and asked me 😂. I got major kudos and very, very grateful D.C. (Fortunately they can now return the favour and come and pick up my DH and I if we've been out)

NC4now · 08/07/2017 12:35

I'd be concerned about her friend spending all night locked to her boyfriend and DD being a spare part. If there was another friend going too, I would be fine with it, but I think there's scope for DD to be bored and wanting to come home.
Can you give her a password and tell her to text you if she wants a lift?
You can always ring her with some made-up family emergency that means she has to come home.

DistanceCall · 08/07/2017 12:36

Presumably she has a mobile phone and money and can call a cab / uber / whatever if she wants to leave?

I think perhaps you should ask yourself whether some of your own anxiety has rubbed off onto her.

dataandspot · 08/07/2017 12:38

The travel arrangements wouldn't bother me.

Staying with a 21 year old and others would. She has no support or protection there.

gillybeanz · 08/07/2017 12:46

I don't think you can tell her what she can and can't do at this age, she isn't a minor, but a grown woman.
She has to decide for herself now, she could be married with kids and running her own life at this age.

rogueantimatter · 08/07/2017 12:46

Could you try selling her the idea that it will be boring? Doesn't know anyone except her friend and the others won't want to hang with someone who's still at school.

xotyl · 08/07/2017 12:46

You know your DD. If it makes you uncomfortable, tell her. She may agree and not go. I put myself in some dangerous situations at that age, and did not escape all unscathed.

Perhaps give her something else to do so she can say she has other plans and not lose face. One 17 year old maybe very different from another in terms of being savvy and staying safe.

megletthesecond · 08/07/2017 12:48

I'd say no too. Her friend will probably vanish and she'll be on her own at a party miles from home. While it might not be a disaster it doesn't have the making of a great evening.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/07/2017 12:50

No, I wouldn't be happy for her to go and stay with a 21 year old she doesn't know very well, far from home.

Ingles2 · 08/07/2017 12:54

Christ no! say she can't go! and I say that as the parent of 16 & 17 yr old sons

supersop60 · 08/07/2017 13:03

I'd say no. Inexperienced on trains, only one person she knows at a party, who will no doubt be preoccupied with her boyfriend, quite a stressful evening mixing with strangers, and then sleeping over - what in /on? I'd find that stressful and i'm not an anxious teenager.

Jux · 08/07/2017 13:12

My dd is 17, with a slightly older bf who lives on the outskirts of London. When she visits him, he meets her at the station where she would have to change trains.

Can she travel a bit earlier and he can meet her like dd's bf does? (Then, once she's changed trains with him a few times, she'll be happy enough to do it on her own in the future.) Not enough time for them to do those practice runs before the party? If she travels into London early enough on the day (or even the day before) then he can make the time to meet her and bring her safely to his home - if he won't do that, then I'd wonder about his suitability as a bf.

Is there a coach which goes closer to his place? DD started lone-travelling on coaches, and it was great. National Express were excellent, much cheaper for one thing! When dd had to change at a big scary place (Birmingham) once, all the drivers were really helpful too. Once a drunk got on, and as soon as he started misbehaving, the driver put him off. It always seemed to me to be much safer than the train.

In no time, your dd is going to be 18. You are going to have to put some thought into hiw to make sure she's ready for whatever lies ahead - Uni, apprenticeship, etc. She needs to be able to travel and feel confident.

LogicalPsycho · 08/07/2017 13:15

So are you not concerned about her being alone and in no position to get help or come home should she need to?

Doesn't she have a phone?

GabsAlot · 08/07/2017 13:25

i wa out and about in london by 17d ffrernce was i lived there and was used to it

it can b daunting when u havnt navigatd trains before-but you know her better than us

GabsAlot · 08/07/2017 13:27

but to add i didnt go to parties with oldr men when i didnt know alot of peopl thre

i doubt her friend will want to babysit her all night

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