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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you knew you were done having kids?

128 replies

NotAnotherUserName5 · 07/07/2017 20:57

Just had our last DC 2 weeks ago.
We decided she is to be our last baby.

Have real mixed feelings over this, despite the logical part of me knowing it's the right thing!

For those of you done having kids, how did you know that was it for you? Or is there always that sadness when you have no more?

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 07/07/2017 21:44

Dianne I also get jealous of baby news, which is crazy given my youngest is only three months old.

I wanted DS2 so so much, more than my overall urge to have a baby in the first place. I don't feel that way now, but I still can't say I'm done.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 07/07/2017 21:48

I have three children 4, 2 and almost 5 months. I also have a teenage stepchild who is here 5 days a week. I don't want to move house and there is no room for anymore than we have. I think I'm one of those women who will never truly feel done but like others have said, my head has to out rule my heart here. Im already overwhelmed some days, I think because all the children are still quite young and its really tiring.

We have so much fun though and logistically I can just about manage still doing things with all three little ones on my own, anymore and I think I would have to stop doing some things we often do. I already can't take then swimming alone anymore as its one swimmer per every 2 nine swimmers at our local pool. DSS is absolutely amazing though and is more than happy to come with us if dh is at work. I don't drive and dh is at work all week (he does drive), I just about manage on public transport now but would struggle with another. Also, even though our car is a seven seater it only seats six with the room the car seats take up...so its full as it is.

Basically we've weighed it all up and it wouldnt be the right thing for our family, all our family to have another. Dh is going to get the snip at some point. Its hard as I love being pregnant, love the baby stage etc but yeah, we're very lucky with what we have and I know I'm pushing my luck having more. There's also the issue of health. I've had three straight forward birthday but my last pushed me to my limits, my smallest baby was over 9lb, biggest 10lb8oz....they've gotten bigger each time. I'm done haha!

luckylucky24 · 07/07/2017 21:48

When we had dd we realised how easy ds was at the age he was at. They are both hard work now as they wind each other up.
I don't want to do it a third time.

PurplePeppers · 07/07/2017 21:48

2 dcs anit took me a long time. I really wanted another child, DH didn't.
So I felt very sad for a long time, in some ways grieving about the child i would never have.
Feelings on 'wanting another' gently eased off and by the time dc2 was about 3yo, it felt right not have another one.
I'm sure that being out of the nappy stage also had a big part in it. I just couldn't see myself doing it all again (which is also so why mybtwi are close in age!).

ExConstance · 07/07/2017 21:49

I really wanted three, but stopped after two as I really didn't want to be having a baby at 40. I conceived ds2 after a period of secondary infertility and two miscarriages, so also reckoned there might be more anguish if I tried again.

Theknittinggorilla · 07/07/2017 21:49

Definitely didn't feel done after two. Definitely do now after three. Am enjoying my newborn but feels like the last time. Having a girl after two boys helps, but think it would be the same if it had been another boy. Cheesy but feel like our family is all here now.

elQuintoConyo · 07/07/2017 21:50

After the horrific birth of our first, 4 months of colic, most of his 1st year is just a fug, and after 5.5 years i'm still broken in the baby-making department

Apart from that, ds is a Duracell bunny and he just wears me out.

Love the bones of him and he is a curious, clever monkey who loves a good fart joke! But we are done.

limon · 07/07/2017 21:51

After I finally carried one to term (after 3 miscarriages) and aged almost 44 but almost bled to death doing so then almost died of retained placenta 3 weeks later. I wish id had kids earlier and I'd have had 3.

Theknittinggorilla · 07/07/2017 21:51

Also 3 c sections is more than enough. My body has done enough.

Topseyt · 07/07/2017 21:52

We knew realistically that three was our limit.

After DD3 was born I did feel slightly sad that she would be my last, but as time went by that feeling gradually turned to relief. Relief that I would never have to give birth again or go through the sleep deprivation of the newborn stage.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 07/07/2017 21:52

I always thought I wanted 4, but when no 3 was born I just felt content. Sounds really silly but I'm a vet and a couple of weeks after ds was born I felt like a cat that you know has had all their kittens- happy, curled up, purring. I'm done! I just felt like ever-growing happy and finished!

WhatIfWhatIf · 07/07/2017 21:53

I'm going through this dilemma now. Every rational part of me thinks we should stop after the two we have - for whom we are enormously grateful every day after the years of miscarriages and fertility issues.

But the irrational part of me still yearns for another and wants to ignore the fact that I am too old (early forties) and not overly keen on the idea of another stressful pregnancy and that first year which is hard work despite the gorgeous newborn snuggles.

SpaghettiMeatballs - I think I'm the opposite of you; I'm really not keen on the pregnancy and baby bit but I just love the idea of another child, as does DH.

Part of me thinks wistfully that if only it hadn't taken so long to have the first two maybe the decision would have been easier. I always wanted three. The other part of me reminds that part that there were years when I never thought we'd have even one and we are so very lucky to have what we have.

Is it very selfish to want a third child in your forties when you already have two happy, healthy ones?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2017 21:53

Two and I'm done. Love having children but to me, any more is just financially irresponsible and more than I would want to handle.

DilysMoon · 07/07/2017 21:55

I always wanted 3, dh not so keen. Never felt like the family was complete with 2, dh eventually agreed and now we have 3, 2 ds then a dd. I knew as soon as dc3 was born that we were done and didn't feel sad about not having any more.

123bananas · 07/07/2017 21:56

Biologically just after ds was born 3 years ago when they removed my uterus to save my life.

Mentally I am just sooo tired all the time, as much as I like the idea of adopting another I just can't manage a fourth child whilst working and studying.

BuzzKillington · 07/07/2017 21:57

Wanted 3, stopped at 2 when we realised we were so over the sleepless nights and wanted to be able to afford expensive holidays and a relatively extravagant lifestyle. Also, I was 31 and felt too old (which seems young now).

Also we love our house and it only has 4 bedrooms, and if we'd had another we would have had to move (have frequent guests in spare room).

PurpleCrazyHorse · 07/07/2017 21:57

2x DCs here and increasing post-natal complications making a third quite high risk. Plus DC2 arrived in 2.5hrs (I was asleep until that point) and I didn't even make it to the ward!

Firenight · 07/07/2017 21:59

The bank balance and the bags under my eyes tell me 2 is sufficient. Childcare costs have nearly crippled us.

I also find I struggle to give both the time and energy they need. Emotionally I am not sure I could stretch to another and give them the time and the energy they need.

mortificado · 07/07/2017 22:01

After dc 3 I thought that was it.
Now 15 weeks pregnant and struggling to cope, after this wonderful surprise I never want another!
As much as I'm terrified about having 4 I know it will be fantastic, and feel truly blessed.
But there's something in me telling me not to do this again!
Dp is going for the snip after this one is born!
And if he doesn't....I'll snip him myself

Passmethecrisps · 07/07/2017 22:01

When looking at the BFP for the 3 week old I currently have snoozing on my lap.

I knew I wanted a second but the is absolutely it. The pregnancy was long and a bit irritating and the newborn stage with an older child is very tiring. I am also getting on and we are at the limits of our house and finances.

I had dd2 in my arms in the supermarket yesterday and I passed a woman who had a toddler and an older child of her own. By the look on her face as I passed by I would hazard a guess that she is not done. She actually looked weak at the knees.

No, I love DD2 and am glad we drank too much cava that night in September but that is it

Xmasbaby11 · 07/07/2017 22:03

2dc here. When we brought dd2 home from hospital we all sat on the sofa together and I had this overwhelming feeling that our family was complete. I always wanted 2dc. Dh originally wanted 3, but we found 2 hard enough. Dd1 has suspected asd and is very trying. We wouldn't have the time or patience for another child.

Nuttypops · 07/07/2017 22:03

We thought we were done when I was pregnant with DC2. I was adamant I didn't want any more, and DH is fairly happy either way.
Except DS is now 7 months, I am clearing out the baby stuff as we are moving house and there is no point moving with it, but neither of us are sure we are anymore. On a bad night with DS, I mutter that I can never do it again, but I can't believe he is my last baby.

I will admit I never want to be pregnant again though, so that is a slight spanner in the works should be decide it is a good idea to try for DC3.

I think I just want a definite feeling either way, but we really don't know at this stage.

weeblueberry · 07/07/2017 22:04

After I had my second I lay in list labour stupor thinking 'thank god I never have to do that again'. It's been two years and, even though it's getting much easier now, I definitely don't want a third. Logically and emotionally I think we're done. I see my friends babies and cuddle them and love them but have literally no desire to have another baby. We've also been hugely lucky with our two in terms of temperament, sleeping etc and know for a damn fact we wouldn't be that lucky a third time.

weeblueberry · 07/07/2017 22:04

Post labour stupor...

NooNooHead1981 · 07/07/2017 22:06

I've got a wonderful 6 and a half year old DD and she was a big baby - no-one knew she was going to be 11.5 and half pounds when she (didn't) popped out! She was a long labour but I had an epidural and emergency c-section, and stayed in hospital for a week because of eclampsia.

I think I must've had either a very good 'oven' and she was well-baked (I was 42 weeks!) or I had undetected gestational diabetes.

I have never felt 'done' over the past 6 years and have always wanted another one. We have never been careful at all and it was sod's law that when I finally got pregnant this year, it was an ectopic and emergency laparoscopy. I saw a tiny new born out today and felt so miserable - it's still a kick in the teeth three months later. I know maybe it was someone's way of possibly saying I should only have one child... I think I would be classed as high risk and my parents aren't keen on me giving them another grandchild with a high risk pregnancy. They are facing the loss of one child as my brother has terminal cancer; I don't think they would like it if their DD was at risk too...!

It still doesn't stop the yearning, longing and feelings of intense unfairness of everything that I had my second chance and it was snatched away so quickly.

I am however so so grateful for the beautiful and wonderful DD I have already and know many aren't so fortunate.

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