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Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:
Fleshy · 05/07/2017 10:42

Far too much involvement in you daughters private life, making her boyfriend an employee, obsessing over his behaviour.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 05/07/2017 10:43

I'd guess the 'to whom it may concern' is a dig that she went away from him and he is saying he doesn't know her anymore. It's weird, not a funny joke. I don't buy the accidently buying an 18 card either. Even in a rush you can see the bloody number on the front!

I don't get why people are saying your DD is being rude.to.ignore her phone! Usually in situations like this, posters get told to tell the partner they need space and to leave them.alone.for a bit! Not answer because the other person is bombarding them with calls and cannot take a hint. I'd be really pissed off if I was not answering (clearly for a reason) and the person just kept on and on phoning. He needs to back off and the fact he isn't doe suggest there could possibly be a control element here and he is feeling your DD slipping away.

whatonearth21 · 05/07/2017 10:51

You dont know what goes on in their relationship

It has been strained. She has been away. You dont know how she has behaved towards him since she was away. An 18 card and To whom it may concern may have been a remark that she has been away so long that he doesnt know her anymore.

Butt out. They are adults.

MyOtherProfile · 05/07/2017 10:53

Poor lad. He was stupid and messed up but now it sounds like he is trying to put things right. You said they've been together so long it's difficult to end it but does she actually want to end it? Surely after 5 years it's worth going for coffee and talking it through?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 05/07/2017 10:57

you seem a tad overinvested, and a little manipulative of your daughter...telling her to ignore him

it was a prickish thing for him to do, but when your children get to that age all you can really do is make your observations and leave it at that unless you are expressly asked for your opinion.

TheBogQueen · 05/07/2017 11:01

I think you need to step back. It's their relationship not yours.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/07/2017 11:02

You're not reading too much into it.

He is punishing her for going away without him.

That is not thoughtless behaviour. It is well-thought-out nastiness, designed to hurt and humiliate her.

It is quite unusual (not unheard-of before anyone jumps down my throat) for a relationship forged at home to survive one half or both going away to uni.

Syc4moreTrees · 05/07/2017 11:03

Sounds like a bit of an in joke, that might have backfired. They are adults and have been together a long time, ignoring his calls is just juvenile. Why can't she just text and say i'm pissed off with you because of x y and z, leave me alone for a bit, or more constructively just meet him for a coffee and talk it out. They've known each other for at least 5 years, this seems like a storm in a teacup, and i think you are escalating it.

abilockhart · 05/07/2017 11:05

Your DD is 21. The OP really needs to take a step back from this.

Popchyck · 05/07/2017 11:06

I think you (as well as your daughter) need to learn from this.

You are too invested in your daughter's relationship. She's an adult and can handle it. Let her do as she sees fit and let her deal with the consequences of that.

You've said that you are reading into this too much and you are right. Maybe time for you to take stock of your own life and get some interests and things going on in your own life. How about arranging a weekend away with your husband? Leave your daughter at home, go away and have a nice time.

BadTasteFlump · 05/07/2017 11:06

OP Forgive me for projecting here (as I almost definitely am).

But IMO you need to back off in some ways - and be a bit more pro-active in others. His happiness is not your issue - your DD's happiness is. So forget about 'why' he may be behaving the way he is (family backround, etc..) because what difference does it make? If it's because his mum left him, or whatever, does that excuse his behaviour? No. Does it mean your DD should put up with it? No.

The only issue is that he's making your DD unhappy. So stop trying to psychoanalyze him and take a step back - his issues are not your problem. Make it clear to your DD that all you care about is if she is happy. And that she has the right to expect her boyfriend to treat her kindly, with love and respect - and definitely not to spoil her birthday. And that whether she stays with him or not, you will back her 100% -because it's not about what's best for him, it's what's best for her.

And personally I would be a bit concerned about him working with your DH - is that a permanent arrangement? Something I have vowed never to do (after horrible experiences as a teenager myself which is another long story), is to get too pally and involved with my DC's boyfriends/girlfriends. That means being friendly and welcoming, but also keeping boundaries there, so they are always a guest, not a member of the family (or treated as such). IMO when you blur the lines with teen boyfriends/girlfriends, it can make it very difficult for your DC if they are having doubts about the relationship. Bottom line is, your DD needs to know that in your mind her happiness comes above all others. And if she has any idea of your worrying about her boyfriend and if the 'poor lad is only like that because of his family' etc, she may start to feel a bit confused, unable to confide in you, and could even end up stuck in a relationship she doesn't want to be in.

As I said - apologies if a am projecting here Smile

Maudlinmaud · 05/07/2017 11:08

To me this reads like him punishing your dd but I couldn't speculate on the reason why.
He's been a fool and hurt her. This may or may not be a pattern of emotional abuse.
But she is 21, an adult with a supportive family. I would refrain from giving opinions on the issue unless you are asked.

HotelEuphoria · 05/07/2017 11:09

I think the card was a bit of a joke that backfired too. My DD and DS deliberately do things like that as a joke, get the ages wrong or write jokey sarcastic things inside.

I think she wanted, understandably, it to be a memorable special birthday, and he - perhaps after 5 years - was a bit complacent and made it jokey. Only he picked the wrong birthday for that.

Asda flowers and fizzy wine are OK, but only if they went with something a bit more special for a 21st.

CreamCrackerundertheSettee · 05/07/2017 11:14

Surely 'to whom it may concern' is just a silly joke.

Take your dd out somewhere. Have a coffee, lunch, take a long walk together, anything rather than both sit stewing.

Your dd is 21 she is quite capable of arranging to visit uni friends for the weekend or reconnecting with old friends. Her summer is not ruined.

You sound way too overinvested in their relationship. My friend's sister had a similar dynamic with her first serious boyfriend. He had a troubled home life and her parents loved him. It made it very difficult for her to break up with him as it meant upsetting her whole family.

Take a step back.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 05/07/2017 11:17

I think the card/gift is less mean than the no hugging/meeting up/staying over thing. Boyfriend sounds confused that his girlfriend of 5 years appears to have no interest in him and isn't sure how to behave. Daughter should put him out of his misery and let him move on.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/07/2017 11:17

How awkward is it going to be when she dumps him ... but he's still working for your DH... Hmm

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 11:20

Doesnt have to be awkward at all. the DH keeps professional, has a chat with the ex to be professional also so they can still work together. No reason why it cant work.

Cromwell1536 · 05/07/2017 11:21

Ah well. I suspect that a relationship begun when they were 15 and 16 has run its course, but neither of them have the maturity (possibly because they got too involved, too early, and have a bit of arrested development as a consequence - experience) to finish it. Your poor daughter - had a taste of freedom and independence, off studying abroad, now back at home in her old bedroom with, from the sound of it, no plans beyond mooching around with her (somewhat hovering) family and a boyfriend she doesn't really want to be with. I'd advise her to get a job, any job going, volunteer (the Reading Agency are looking for volunteers to help with children's reading groups in libraries this summer), think about her CV and her coursework, and save up to do something interesting before the long vac is over. The devil makes work for idle hands, and all that.

CrazedZombie · 05/07/2017 11:24

Your dd should send a text. Something like "I need time to think about things. Please give me a couple of days to gather my thoughts so that I can discuss things calmly. I will call you Friday 6pm. Thanks for respecting my wishes."

19lottie82 · 05/07/2017 11:28

I wouldn't say he is being abusive, just an arsehole, the former doesn't always mean the latter.

I'd drop a few gentle hints to your daughter that she can do a whole lot better, but don't push it too much as it might not be appreciated.

misit · 05/07/2017 11:29

Been through years of this with DD. It's obvious to me that she's cooled off a bit and he knows it, he's hurt and wanted to hurt her back, but now he's panicking that he went a bit too far.

If she was in love with him she would be with him, he's not stupid, just young. My advice is just leave them to it, they'll sort it out in their own time.

CrazedZombie · 05/07/2017 11:29

I think it sounds like it's run its course. There are plenty of posts on here about women who are gutted at their thoughtless partners. Wanting the correct card with a thoughtful message is perfectly reasonable.

Out of interest what did he do for her previous birthdays? Has he always been pick random flowers at the last minute kind of boyfriend?

I can't comment on how bad the card is as with the right recipient it could be funny. "To whom it may concern " could be a clumsy way to say "To the birthday girl" I've bought my son a few cards saying "Happy Birthday Grandad" as a joke that he'd appreciate.

MistressDeeCee · 05/07/2017 11:32

Dickhead. He wanted her to know she was unimportant, and to make sure both his & her family witnessed her upet and humiliation. He wanted her to feel like shit, and he succeeded. I would have a chat with her just woman to woman make it "non-heavy".I've had to do that with DD2 before, same age as your DD. She may be grown up but I gauge when its time to be there for talking, comfort, sobbing whatever. The same as I'd do for a good mate, much less a daughter. I'm crossing my fingers your DD gets rid.

MavisFlumpTheFairy · 05/07/2017 11:34

I wonder if you don't approve of him op? You certainly seem to be interfering in the relationship by telling your did what to do. She's 21 and old enough to decide for herself without your input.
You should be stepping back and be supportive without influencing her.
He's going to find it very hard at work if they break up and I hope he doesn't find out your opinions of him and interference as well.
I know it's difficult when your DD is upset, I've been there too, but she has to decide for herself.

Donttouchthethings · 05/07/2017 11:35

I think a 20 year old boy is almost bound to be pretty clueless about these sorts of things. He sounds like a boyfriend I had at that age. I knew he wasn't really a good match for me and he also ruined my 21st, but, like with your daughter, he was my best friend and we had amazing sex. My mother kept out of it but I wish she, or someone, had been able to guide me in a general way.

I think I might have an open chat with her about how she feels. Remind her that there are no rights or wrongs, it's about what feels good to her. Afterall, you get a happy life by making lots of ongoing choices in favour of happiness. Only she knows what feels really good to her.

He sounds like he might be a good friend but a disappointing partner so maybe they could move towards being just good friends? Personally, I would prefer to end it now and have the Summer to recover.