To gently tell my friend why her son is unpopular

[Whoareyouu]

NC because this is potentially outing.

Best friend of 20 years has 2 boys, 9 and 11. Eldest one is shy and suffers from anxiety. But once he feels comfortable with his surroundings he is an absolute delightful child, thoughtful and interesting, and he is sensitive and socially aware despite his shyness.

The younger one though is spoilt and bratty. Throws tantrums if he doesn't get his own way, is very whiny and has zero manners.

I love my friend dearly and wouldn't ever wish to hurt her. But she seems completely blind to her younger child's behaviour.

He is bright and knows it. Will often say things like "I'm such a clever boy!" if he gets something right. And gloats when another child gets an answer wrong.

My friend gets upset that he is unpopular and doesn't understand why. She reasons that people are jealous and that it is a side effect of being gifted.

I have bitten my tongue on so many occasions. But it is getting worse and now he is getting bullied for being a show off know all.

Obviously bullying is wrong and my friend is absolutely right to tackle it with the school. But AIBU to gently say something to her or should I keep my mouth shut to avoid upsetting her?

Child or not, laughing at others getting something wrong is a dick move, people won't like it and kids are more open to showing that.

I wouldn't bother saying anything if she is likely to defend him, he'll soon realise being a dick gets you know where. Even if he has to learn it the hard way.

Nowhere*

I have encountered a lovely boy who bragged a lot. Unfortunately you could hear his parents' voices in what he said - they had obviously been praising him to the skies in an attempt to raise his self-esteem but all that seemed to be resulting was that he repeated it all to other children, which pissed them off.

Example. Boy starts talking about cooking: "I'm great at cooking. I make a fantastic lasagne. I make brilliant cakes. I'm really talented at it. I make a really great curry. I make . . . " At that point another boy interjected with "No wonder you're so fat." First boy (who wasn't fat) went straight up to the teacher complaining X had said he was fat. I felt that X had only said that because he was tired of the self-praising monologue and wanted to shut him up. Of course I said nothing as you shouldn't victim blame. But it did seem like a sad but inevitable progression:

Child gets picked on
Child loses confidence
Parents are sad and worried
Parents praise child at every opportunity in an attempt to boost confidence
Child repeats praise to other children to bolster self
Other children see this as bragging and set about trying to bring him down a peg or two.
Return to phase 1

It's very sad.

It's amazing how many people have jumped to 'child is being persecuted for being clever and adults just want to be mean to him and put him in his place'.

I didn't read that at all.

I read it as 'child (who may or may not be intellectually gifted) gloats and laughs when other make mistakes. As a result other children don't want to be friends with him.'

All the people who seem to think it's fine to gloat and laugh at others if you're smart, I assume you'll be totally fine if another child mocks your child trying hard in school. But I'm guessing you'd be starting a thread like 'AIBU to think this child should be disciplined for laughing my child'. And the answer on that thread would be 'YANBU the school should do something about them'

Maisypops you've expressed what I wanted to far better than my OP. It is exactly that.

That's what I picked up on OP.

His intelligence doesn't really come into it and I'd put good money that 90% of the posters who are calling you a victim blamer would be the same people calling up school demanding to know why little timmy has been allowed to smirk and laugh when their child is working hard and sharing answers. I'd also bet that they wouldn't be happy if she school replied "well timmy is clever and it's important we allow him to mock others so he can feel even more clever".

There is a big difference between bullying and children not wanting to be friends with someone who has been unkind.

As an adult, I don't socialise with people who are dickheads to others. Why should we force children to?

It's natural at that age to try to gauge yourself against your peers.

Absolutely. Gloating however is not normal. Laughing at others because they make a mistake? I'd come down on that like a ton of bricks. School would, too. Of course no child wants to be bullied like that so they don't invite the gloating child. Even bragging is a bit off aged 9, it is babyish. Normal at 4 or 5, but of course some take a bit longer to get there.

At 9, many kids already praise their weaker friends' efforts. "Good shot" to a not-so sporty footballer. A gloater will stick out like a sore thumb.

Gloating can be bullying. Kids don't invite the bully, that's all.

Compare definitely. Put others down routinely, absolutely not
No, but what would be a goady conversation for an adult, is just a "finding your place within your peers" conversation for a 9 year old
e.g.
"Do you do dance class?"
"yes, do you?"
"what grade are you?"
"7"
"I'm grade 9"

(I don't know anything about dance grades obvs but assume 9 is better than 7 :-D )

But the gloater would laugh at a child's pirouette and say I can do it better.

Agree with user. I can't ever imagine criticising a 9 year old in this personal way even to my worst enemy never mind my friend. It would be so hurtful and really not at all helpful. After all if her eldest child is a nice, well behaved child then she is perfectly capable of raising kind and thoughtful children and so she will not appreciate your 'gentle' advice.

Gloating is subjective though and the OP hasn't really gone into detail.

He is bright and knows it. Will often say things like "I'm such a clever boy!" if he gets something right. And gloats when another child gets an answer wrong.
^ could be anywhere on a spectrum from pointing and laughing like a denis the menace cartoon, to just going "Oh but I^ know the right answer miss" in a clumsy non socially aware but technically correct way, or "no it's not it's X" if it's a very literal child.

Gloating however is not normal. Laughing at others because they make a mistake? I'd come down on that like a ton of bricks. School would, too

Exactly!

This isn't kids talking about what score they got on a test or who got a dance grade.
It's somebody smirking and laughing when others make mistakes.

Don't get me wrong, if the kids are targeting the child and being mean based on his intelligence then that's unkind too. But I don't think the child's mother can be too surprised that kids don't want to be friends with someone who think they're better than everyone else and laughs at those less able.

There are plenty of arrogant dickheads in the world. Maybe he's just one of them?