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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To gently tell my friend why her son is unpopular

139 replies

Whoareyouu · 05/07/2017 03:04

NC because this is potentially outing.

Best friend of 20 years has 2 boys, 9 and 11. Eldest one is shy and suffers from anxiety. But once he feels comfortable with his surroundings he is an absolute delightful child, thoughtful and interesting, and he is sensitive and socially aware despite his shyness.

The younger one though is spoilt and bratty. Throws tantrums if he doesn't get his own way, is very whiny and has zero manners.

I love my friend dearly and wouldn't ever wish to hurt her. But she seems completely blind to her younger child's behaviour.

He is bright and knows it. Will often say things like "I'm such a clever boy!" if he gets something right. And gloats when another child gets an answer wrong.

My friend gets upset that he is unpopular and doesn't understand why. She reasons that people are jealous and that it is a side effect of being gifted.

I have bitten my tongue on so many occasions. But it is getting worse and now he is getting bullied for being a show off know all.

Obviously bullying is wrong and my friend is absolutely right to tackle it with the school. But AIBU to gently say something to her or should I keep my mouth shut to avoid upsetting her?

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 05/07/2017 06:59

Exactly bran. And maybe it will take getting to secondary and realising he's a little fish in a very big pond to realise that he can't conduct himself in that way towards people.

If he's parenting what home tell him then there's no point saying anything.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 05/07/2017 07:01

My friend's daughter is a really spoilt little cow. Very sulky and rude. I've managed to bite my tongue and our friendship has been all the better for my silence!

Silvercatowner · 05/07/2017 07:02

A close friend once admitted to me she didn't like my son. The friendship was over from that point.

SoupDragon · 05/07/2017 07:08

I think you could probably get away with mentioning that his boasting is causing ill will amongst his peers if she asks or mentions it. That is perhaps easy to solve and is not really commenting harshly on him - considering others is something all kids have to learn really.

There is no way you could get away with saying you feel he is spoilt and bratty though, no way at all.

Trollspoopglitter · 05/07/2017 07:12

" He will grow up in his own time."

Into what?

How does character form then? This is the parenting part (and it doesn't include sitting back doing nothing, hoping your kid will magically figure it out.)

If he starts being bullied, she will see him as s victim and however gently you try to point out his behaviour, she will see it as victim blaming.

Headofthehive55 · 05/07/2017 07:14

I am often puzzled why sporting achievements allow you to say "Ive won" or I'm the quickest runner but you can't say I'm best at maths! Oh no, that would be boasting.

SoupDragon · 05/07/2017 07:14

Is there something he isn't good at? A sport maybe? You could say "how would X feel if put him down all the time?"

Perhaps the classic Shit Sandwich "X is but I think the other children don't like it when he laughs at them for getting something wrong..." followed by something else positive.

SoupDragon · 05/07/2017 07:15

but you can't say I'm best at maths! Oh no, that would be boasting

Don't you understand the difference between saying you're good at maths and gloating at a child who isn't?

MrsBobDylan · 05/07/2017 07:16

Perhaps this child has high intelligence but low levels of empathy, in which case your friend will struggle to help him understand why his behaviour is alienating those around him.

I have a lovely friend with a son who is similar and she has don't everything she can to make him care more about other people but I just don't think he's got it in him.

I wouldn't say anything-your friend and her son are unlikely to change because people generally don't imo.

AvoidingCallenetics · 05/07/2017 07:17

I think you just want to help your friend. It's really hard to say nothing when you can see what's going wrong for this child. But honestly, she will hold it against you because that is her baby and parents generally don't take any criticism of their children at all well.

I once told a woman why she had trouble getting a boyfriend (she did ask. I didn't just volunteer). She sulked for weeks. I was right but it didn't help.

Onhold · 05/07/2017 07:20

I don't think you want to help your friend.You want to tell her it's all her fault her DS is being bullied.
.

MaisyPops · 05/07/2017 07:31

I don't think you want to help yourfriend.Youwant to tell her it's all her fault her DS is being bullied

The OP has already said she's not excusing the bullying. She is also saying, perfectly reasonably, that the child's know it all-ness and laughing at others is the sort of thing that makes people not want to be friends.

Not making a massive effoet to be good friends with someone is different from excusing bullying.

but you can't say I'm best at maths! Oh no, that would be boasting
The child isn't saying I'm best at maths. The child is laughing at others and being a know it all.
If the child on the way into class said 'Yes. I like maths because I'm good at it' nobody would have an issue, just like nobody has an issue with people being good at sport or art or story writing.

This is NOT about being clever. It IS about a child who dishes it out and laughs at others but doesn't like it being returned.

Screwinthetuna · 05/07/2017 07:34

Do not tell her. That's your opinion, from your (adult) perspective. You don't really know why he's unpopular, unless you are a child in the class yourself, or perhaps the school teacher. When I think back, the children that were 'unpopular' in my schools weren't the loud/obnoxious/pushy/braggy ones (these were the popular ones), they were the quiet/shy/reserved ones. Sadly, it was also the children who smelled weird or weren't very good looking.
It's not your place to say and it will end up ruining your friendship as she will probably always defend her son and jump to his defence and presume you just don't like him.

youaredeluded · 05/07/2017 07:35

You sound as bad of the bullies! Victim blaming a little boy, and then wanting to take pleasure from telling him mum what you think is 'wrong' with him. You are not her friend, you are just a big bully!

MaisyPops · 05/07/2017 07:40

It's not victim blaming to point out that if somebody is unkind to others, people might not want to be friends (although it in NO WAY excuses bullying).

Victim blaming would be "you're asking to be bullied because you're smart".

E.g. A few weeks ago Child A posted all sorts on social media about other students. Child B saw this and challenged Child A on it and said that what they were doing was nasty. Child A was unkind to Child B. Other children saw this and also told Child A they were being unkind. Child A turned up at my room saying they were being bullied by child B and everyone hated her.

I dealt with the fact other children were unkind to child A, but I also told child A thay really her actions of being unkind to others started the situation so she too needed to make better choices.

jojo2916 · 05/07/2017 07:40

I doubt it's anything to do with being clever some kids are hard to like, popular kids may be academically gifted or not at all, posters saying it's because he's brainy that's rubbish, op has stated some of his behaviour and this is far more likely to be why he's not liked than being clever, that's just something parents tell themselves so they don't have to admit their child's behaviour needs work, the truth is it's probably often the parents fault when kids are Like this but they would never admit it not even to themselves, much easier to say because he's gifted but it doesn't fool anyone even if they agree politely, however agree with other posters if you say something it's likely to end the friendship, parents of spoilt kids don't tend to take criticism well.

CoteDAzur · 05/07/2017 07:41

"secure and intelligent people know the limits of their intelligence."

At age 9? Hmm

Goldenbear · 05/07/2017 07:41

There doesn't have to be something staggeringly wrong with someone's personality that equates to them being unpopular. Maybe she is right, maybe he is being bullied and reacting to that the only way he knows how by gloating. By your rationale children that are popular or well-known at least don't possess unlikeable traits but that's not true, everyone is flawed in some way. I have problems with a 'popular' girl my DD has known since she was a baby but she can be very mean and this has lead to my own DD being isolated. Outwardly, is this to be perceived as my DD'S personality being very deficient and popular, mean girls being justified in their behaviour towards her! IME this is how bullying arises and it was ever thus!

claraschu · 05/07/2017 07:45

Is there any way you can lead her to think about her son's behaviour for herself? Could you sympathise about how awful the bullying is, and then ask if there are any triggers which provoke the bullies? If she doesn't know, then say: "Does he look uncool? Do they call him fat? Does he cry in class? Does he brag or put other people down?"

If she mentions that other kids are jealous of his brilliance, you could say: "Oh sometimes smart kids can come off as feeling superior to other kids...have you tried to make sure he knows how to say modest sounding things and congratulate other people/ not look smug, etc" Warn her that this can be a problem with clever kids, and that he needs to make sure he never makes other people feel bad about themselves.

You can couch this advice as an anecdote about another person's child- sometimes this can be an effective way of giving advice. "Oh my cousin's daughter was getting teased for being great at maths, and my cousin realised that her daughter had been getting defensive and had started putting other people down..."

By the way, I have no idea why people on this thread decided to be nasty to you. Hope it didn't bother you too much...

Goldenbear · 05/07/2017 07:46

Equally, despite the rhetoric some schools so not acknowledge bullying and therefore don't have to deal with a problem they don't see. If your child goes to one of these schools they will develop coping strategies- maybe this is his.

corythatwas · 05/07/2017 07:50

Headofthehive55 Wed 05-Jul-17 07:14:08
"I am often puzzled why sporting achievements allow you to say "Ive won" or I'm the quickest runner but you can't say I'm best at maths! Oh no, that would be boasting."

Really? Would you allow a child of yours to laugh at others because they couldn't run as fast or jump as high? Would you expect a teacher to let them get away with that kind of behaviour? I'd be horrified.

OP, I don't think you can talk to your friend about her son's general character without hurting her very much. What you can do is gently take issue with him if he does it in your hearing. As in "that really isn't a kind thing to say".

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 05/07/2017 07:56

My friend has a ghastly child. He's rude, interrupts and is frankly what other kids term a little weird. But she's made him like that with constant fussing and inflicting her geek ways up on him; actually she doesn't parent at all, she tries too hard to be his friend and leaves the actual parenting to her partner and own parents.

I long to tell her so .... but I don't.

pictish · 05/07/2017 07:57

You don't know if that's why he's not popular. In my experience, the confident kids who are full of themselves don't tend to toil for company even if they are a bit obnoxious.

TheNaze73 · 05/07/2017 08:01

I kind of agree OP but, don't think you should do it.

Just look at some of the hysterical reactions on this site, when people dare to tell the truth!

rightwhine · 05/07/2017 08:02

I've said something in similar circumstances to a really good friend but I've been very careful to plant seeds rather than be blunt.

"Do you think it could be... Or "perhaps some kids interpret x behaviour as....."
Rather than
"i think it's because...."

I've probably not got the whole message across but hopefully I've got her open to the idea that her child might not be blameless.

Tread carefully op.