WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

[Superheroessidekick]

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

@skirainbow I like the idea of a behaviour book I will speak to school about that for the last few weeks, I think it will be a really good thing to start the new school year with as well

Because when it came down to it none of us would be so callous.

What he did was terrible. It was bullying, destructive, disrespectful and deeply unkind. It's not 'silly behaviour', it's being nasty. That the OP is utterly dismayed is understandable, especially given that it is an escalation of recent undesirable behaviour.

However, two wrongs don't make a right and birthdays are sacred. Very few of us could take it away in any way other than in theory. Someone else's little rotter...sure. Not difficult.
If this really was your own beloved child you wouldn't do it. You'd find another way.

What's another way? Seriously? I would cancel the planned party. I wouldn't if it was soft play or something already paid for - but a pizza and PlayStation party? Absolutely I would.

Why is it callous? He's still getting presents and a birthday with his family - he just doesn't get to have a birthday party with friends. Those of you saying no just have a different opinion to those of us saying yes, it's not cruel to cancel just like it's not cruel to cancel a day out due to bad behaviour.

However, two wrongs don't make a right and birthdays are sacred.

Birthdays are sacred? Since when?

Cancelling a treat isn't a "wrong", it's a consequence for nasty, bullying behaviour.

I would pictish believe me I would. Especially if my son's behaviour was unacceptable, which ended with him destroying something irreplaceable and meant a boy cried for 1 hour about loosing it. Something sentimental their grandparents gave them, oh yes i would, you don't know me.

There is nothing callous about cancelling a birthday party, not celebrating it yes, but cancelling a party, no. His birthday will still be celebrated, god help those poor children who don't have parties, or can't afford to. If my child did something very horrid like this, I would.

A party is a treat, its not a right! Op has said that they will celebrate his birthday, with cake and presents, but no party. Fine. I never had a party as a child, i did not really bother, though my birthday was celebrated with cake and presents.

Yup, I'd cancel. And I wouldn't give him gifts either.

He can hate me all he wants at 9, 12, 15...I'm not there to be his bestie, while he hurts others' children. I'm there to parent him.

Not sure why you've decided you know how every other parent would react, Pictish. But you seriously don't. And calling birthdays sacred? The fuck?!

It sounds as though op has tried every sanction or punishment, but its not working, and she's at the end of her tether as I would be.

When I was young, a party was rare, a few had parties and that's it, now it seems like a right.

If you say so. Wouldn't be me and I've never heard of anyone in 15 years as a parent to three, doing such a thing either. So I'm going to remain dubious if it's all the same to you. In my experience this is not something that parents commonly do...or at all.

Maybe you would cancel his birthday or offer him a half birthday as a punishment. Maybe you should. All I see that he learns is that when he's really angry he gets to do something horrible. It won't teach him to be nicer to people or behave.

What's he doing, that is horrible? Its called sanctions, learning responsibility. As I said, I agree that it is cruel to not celebrate his birthday, but cancelling a treat which is what a party is, fine. Or having friends round at another date, depending on behaviour.

You are not there to be his bestie. You are also not there to be as fucking spiteful as you can be to prove how good a parent you are.

You are not there to be his bestie. You are also not there to be as fucking spiteful as you can be to prove how good a parent you are.

Once the dust has settled for tonight and he has had a chance to stew for a bit, could you ask him if he feels that he deserves to have a party after the way he has behaved? Or ask him what he thinks a suitable consequence might be? If you approach it in a matter of fact way, explain that you are worried that he is going to get himself in a lot of trouble if he carries on being silly in class and unkind to people at school, and ask him what he thinks would be an appropriate way to deal with it. His answer might be enlightening and you might get some insight into what motivates him to do the 'bad' things if he suggests a way of motivating him to stop that you hadn't expected too.

You wouldn't do it either. Don't lie

I'm normally against punishments as my previous posts have shown but for this, I would absolutely. What he did was very cruel. At nine he knew exactly what he was doing.

Unless the DS has a long history of unkindness towards this particular child, it's not bullying

I think you need to google bullying, you do not have to do it for a long time for it to be bullying. You can't actually think this can you? You can bully someone with a single act. I am astounded you may think you can't Bully someone unless you do it repeatedly for a prolonged period.

Actually, all the other 'bad' behaviour mentioned is really no big deal. OP speaks of her DS and another kid 'kicking each other' which is more boisterousness than bullying, along with 'being silly'. This kid is 9.

The tearing up of the other kid's property is unpleasant but, again, it's expecting quite a lot of a 9-year-old to appreciate that this item was 'unreplaceable' (and, tbh, if it was some sort of paper thing that was 'ton in half' has no one heard of fucking Sellotape?)

Also, Op's DS was not acting alone, from what she said. At least one other child was egging him on. Is OP going to instruct the other child's parents to cancel his birthday party?

Finally, this incident happened in schoo. It's up to the school to impose what they consider appropriate sanctions. Not a bad idea for the DS to be told to send a written apology and some sort of gift to the other child, but the matter should end there.

Tearing up somoene else's book/picture/document is certainly unpleasant behaviour from a 9-year-old, but it's a stupid, knee-jerk mistake to project onto it any kind of calculated malice: a kid that young isn't capable of seeking out and destroying someone's 'most precious thing' to cause pain. It would have been impulsive unkindness, egged on by other children (and if the itme was really that precious, the parents shouldn't have allowed it to be taken into school. It could just as easily have been lost or accidentally damaged.)

Op, I can totally imagine how you're feeling- I would be distraught if my dc did this but the first thing I wou think is: he's not happy. There's so wrong when a child misbehaves- you know the expression: often the child who needs the most love asks for it in the most unloving of ways.. He needs you yes to parent him but for me, that does not equate to the punishment of cancelling the party. Think of his previous, ongoing behaviour being him letting everyone know 'I am not feeling good about myself' over and over-punishments, again you've said yourself, have not worked, because they haven't treated the cause just the symptom.

I would absolutely tell him that you feel like cancelling his party and let him take that on board. I would also be focusing on the hurt child here rather than his punishment, that's how empathy is taught- who feels more kind and understanding because they've been made to feel absolutely awful??

Time together, a lot of reassurance of your unconditional love for him and a show of concern once your anger has abated. You mention a. 2yo and that he's sensitive- could this be part of the issue?

I was a very 'good girl' but looking back I was insecure in ways and jealous of others belongings/achievements, often the very people I really liked/admired. Because I was a good girl I didn't act on it, though I did some minor things under the radar. But you know what I have extremely empathetic and loving parents and in the end what they modelled is what I have become-not perfect but ott empathetic.

If you do go ahead with party I would certainly let him know you're depending on him to treat his guests and their belongings properly and that you couldn't let party continue if he wasn't able to do that. Outside of that I'd get on his side, think the very best of him. He's not feeling good inside now and he needs you.

bluntess bullying is actually defined generally by repeated acts of aggression, isolation etc. One incident does not make him a bully.

All I see that he learns is that when he's really angry he gets to do something horrible. It won't teach him to be nicer to people or behave.

Cancelling the party doesn't have to be done in anger. It's a reasoned response to a horrible nasty act towards another child. It teaches him that's sort of thing has consequences.

I think you're doing an amazing job op and it seems to me like he'll learn his lesson and come out the other side a better person because of your good parenting

The tearing up of the other kid's property is unpleasant but, again, it's expecting quite a lot of a 9-year-old to appreciate that this item was 'unreplaceable' (and, tbh, if it was some sort of paper thing that was 'ton in half' has no one heard of fucking Sellotape?)

Come on. A precious letter from a dead grandparent (or some other irreplaceable sentimental item) can't just be restored with sellotape.

I would cancel.
My girl has been on the other side of this where she took something special in and it was intentionally destroyed.

If he was five I would say different.

I can't see. How cancelling his party is so bad. The op isn't saying she won't acknowledge his birthday at all just that he won't have the extra of a party.

I agree that having the party at the moment is not a good idea.

I would tell him that you are going to have a party in October and will arrange to meet his teacher at the end of September. If it's a good report then the party goes ahead. And if not you will try again in November. Make it something he can achieve if he wants enough.

That way he has some control over when it happens and if it happens.

Thinking about this, I'll bet this little boy got a lot of attention/interest for his item. I'll bet your ds (and the child who initially said it was fake) were feeling jealous. I see a lot of oneupmanship with the kids round here and it sounds like a complete impulse to destroy it. Awful yes but not premeditated nastiness.