WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

[Superheroessidekick]

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

@hottotrotsky I've not once hinted that I have been shown up by him. I'm not angry because of what other people think of me, my son or my parenting I am angry because I feel terrible that my son has upset another child in such an appalling way. I can't bear the thought of that poor boy upset at home for god knows how long because of my son. I am angry with him because bullying behaviour is never ok and there are far too many news stories about people.. adults and children who are bullied to the brink of doing something unimaginable. I am not standing by and letting my son have a part in anything like that. The main issue here is bullying and tbh your post is pretty hateful..... "Apple must not fall far from the tree" thanks

I was coming on to say YABU, but after reading the whole thread, I think you should cancel.

That's really quite shocking behaviour from a boy his age. He may well be easily led/have been carried away by showing off, but all the more reason for him to be shocked out of that behaviour.

I have so much sympathy for you, you must feel absolutely sick, but he needs a consequence he'll remember - one that will really sting, unfortunately.

We love birthdays in our house, we do big celebrations that are looked forward to for months, but I can honestly say that if my DD behaved like this I would cancel her party.

The other boy has lost something irreplaceable because of your son, a family item full of memories. I think your son deserves to lose something the equivalent, and a tenth birthday party seems about right. We all need to learn from mistakes. A PlayStation can be bought again, but you only have one chance for a tenth birthday party - it is irreplaceable, just like the item he destroyed.

Harsh perhaps, but this is the culmination of a year of deliberately silly, attention seeking behaviour. I think you need to address the root causes of that behaviour, but at the same time he needs to learn that no matter what has been driving him,his actions were totally unacceptable

The question is what will make him be kinder, less thoughtless and a nicer person to be around. I'm sure he's a great kid when he thinks but what will make him do that?

Maybe cancelling the party is a proportionate response. He can still celebrate with family and he gets a day out with his gran.

Yes, cancel the party. Explain to him why you are doing that: because he treated the other boy so badly that he doesn't deserve to enjoy the time with his friends. However, explain that it will still be his birthday: there will be family presents and maybe a treat - a McDonalds meal or something else you know he likes.

He's 9. That's old enough to be able to understand the reasons for his punishment and take it seriously. 9 year olds who are behaving badly are going to become teenagers behaving very badly if you don't put a stop to it now. I'd cancel the party now, and then in September start monitoring his behaviour really closely. Make it clear that you are taking it very seriously. Talk to his new teacher and tell her your concerns and that you want to be involved as soon as there are any problems. Tell him that you have a zero tolerance policy for bad behaviour at school and set a clear program of rewards and sanctions.

Yes as a pp said of course I am not going to do every punishment every poster has mentioned. He will still get his presents and we will celebrate as a family. He won't get his party with his friends over and he has written a letter of apology to give to the boy along with a gift he will by out of his own pocket money. If this was a one off I would not be treating it this way but as it's been a year of constant issues with school I feel it's time something more serious is done. Education is very important to us and if the bad behaviour at school continues it is going to disrupt his education.

Should also add- I was a bit of a show off as a child, and at about the same age as your son, I did something which was nasty and hurtful. I really didn't mean it to be nasty - I was carried away by showing off & trying to look cool. I realised almost as soon as I'd done it how mean it was.
My parents stopped me doing something quite significant in relation to the hobby I adored, as punishment. I felt absolutely awful and it was a very hard lesson to learn, but it was an important one. It really did teach me to stop and think before acting. I still remember it to this day, and it more or less cured me of showing off!

Previous post by the OP

@TaggieRR
He will definitely also be grounded from all technology and going out to play etc.

Hateful OP is you projecting the world's trend for bullying on your little lad's shoulders and inflicting an extreme punishment on him.

Punishments don't work anyway. Humiliating him like this will just create more resentment in him and likely exacerbate his spiteful side. Why is he like this?

I agree that you need to address it but cancelling his birthday celebration does seem really cruel to me... but then I'm a big softie

Hotto

What's wrong with you? Why are you attacking like this and excusing bullying spiteful behavuour by a nine year old. The op has explained herself very eloquently and the overwhelming majority of the board are behind her, which is unusual when it comes to a punishment for a child.

Do you have a child, are they a bully? Were you one? What's driving you to post these attacks?

@hottotrotsky I'm not sure how not allowing him to have a party is humiliating. I'm not planning on announcing to his friends the reason for the party cancellation just unforeseen circumstances have meant it can no longer go ahead

Difficult situation. I am generally not a fan of punishments so I don't think I would cancel the party. But I would most certainly have him write a letter of apology to the other boy as well as apologise in person. I might also think of some sort of restitution. Even better, I would have DS brainstorm ways that he could make things up to his classmate. Unfortunately, given the fact that the item itself was irreplaceable, it won't be as easy as just earning money to buy a new one. But perhaps he could find something similar or something that would be meaningful for the other boy, and then work to pay for it (by doing extra chores at home or whatever).

I think you are absolutely right to take this incident seriously. Based on his own account, though, it sounds impulsive and as though he and the third boy were egging each other on as children can do. That's not an excuse for destroying another child's possession, of course. But it may be an object lesson to your DS about showing off for his friends and acting so thoughtlessly. If he understands that he has really upset his friend and feels genuine remorse, that is the most important thing for him at this point.

I'm not sure why every time a child is nasty it is called bullying these days. He destroyed something of another child's which he may or may not have known had sentimental value to him. We have no idea if he has ever done or said anything to this boy before.
I don't think anyone is suggesting that there should be no consequence - just that cancelling his party is unlikely to be the wake up call that nips all his bad behaviour in the bud like some are implying. It would be better to come up with a system of consequences that he cares about that you can use consistently. This wasn't a one off incident of bad behaviour and a grand gesture of cancelling a party won't instantly make the child behave. Cancelling his party might seem appealing as a quick.fix or wake up call but the truth is the op likely has a long road ahead of her teaching her son that his actions have consequences. That is only going to be undermined if she gives her son a consequence that makes all other consequences seem not so bad.

hottrotsky wtaf are you on about! Op ds has written a letter of apology to the boy and his party cancelled, not his birthday celebrations. He has not been asked to dig trenches, and go without food all day. Get your priorities straight. The sanction is fitting of the behaviour, well done op. If you let your little darlings get away with unacceptable behaviour, what next!

OP - do you get a sense that your ds understands that what he did is wrong? Do you think he feels remorse?

Or, is he simply focused on his punishment?

Well I wouldn't have cancelled his birthday. Punish him? Yes. Feel wretched, fearful and saddened by what he had done? Of course. Cancel his birthday party...not on your life! Not in a million years would I do that. That's not a punishment, it's spite.

And all of you egging her on? You wouldn't do it either. Don't lie.

Agree with corbyns

Unless the DS has a long history of unkindness towards this particular child, it's not bullying.

Yes I would pctish in a heartbeat, if my ds has behaved the way he has, especially its the culmination of various unacceptable behaviour. With this latest incident being the icing on the cake. My goodness no wonder we are afraid of hurting little Tarquins feelings, kids have to learn, op is doing nothing wrong, she is being a parent! Its not a punishment if you do something that they will not bother about, and go oh well!

With all due respect, bollocks you would.

@Earlybird I think he does feel remorse we have explained it using an example of something he has from an important relative to help him understand

I'd cancel. Absolutely. And I'm not lying Pictish. Also I'd minimise all the chats and explanations. Impulsive children often hear only the first sentence of what comes out of your mouth anyway. So for me it would be quite straight. "That was very unkind and silly behaviour. This is the consequence. I know you are better than that." The end! And I would talk to School about a behaviour book to keep on top of even the little impulsive behaviours. Pick up on the little stuff and hopefully the big stuff is less likely to happen.

*With all due respect, bollocks you would.
How the bloody hell do you know what posters would and wouldn't do?

And I would also cancel the party. That sort of bullying behaviour needs a serious consequence. If he can't show he behaves appropriately to others, he doesn't get the treat of having them over for a party. This is in no way cancelling his birthday. He still gets presents, cakevand a special meal, just no party this year.

The one thing I've always come down hard on is if my children are ever cruel to other children. I have zero tolerance for this, and they've learned very quickly that they need to learn to be kind and considerate of others. I would 100% cancel the party.

I also doubt that so many posters would actually cancel the party. Because I've never known a parent in rl who has actually cancelled their child's party as a consequence for poor behaviour - despite it seemingly being the 'go to' on here if the bad behaviour occurs near their birthday.