WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

[Superheroessidekick]

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

I think you're doing exactly the right thing OP - if only more parents intervened early enough and enforced proper consequences for bullying I think there'd be far less of it in schools, not to mention fewer appallingly-behaved special snowflakes that teachers and other kids' parents hate.

I wouldn't cancel his birthday party. I think he will really resent you for years to come if you do that. Birthdays are only once a year and yes, his behaviour was awful and needs to be punished but cancelling his birthday party will only make you seem like the enemy.

I would definitely dole out a large punishment but cancelling his birthday doesn't really fit the crime and is a big thing to do without even a warning to let him know that's a risk.

Bet he won't destroy anything again on impulse!

I'd cancel the party. This is escalating bad behaviour and the message just isn't getting through that it's unacceptable. It needs to be nipped in the bud. Good luck OP

Maybe if he manages to behave for the final two weeks of term then the party can be reinstated during the summer hols?

Spirited I'm glad you typed that. That's exactly what I was trying to get at!
Consequences need to go hand in hand with teaching a better way.

When my best friends DD started secondary she had a personality transplant! The school punished repeatedly and heavily. She got worse. My fiend was breaking and felt pressurised by school to back them up.
She found out her DD was being bullied as I took her DD for cake and milkshake and she finally opened up.
Turns out her behaviour was borne from this. It was never going to improve when she continued to get bullied and punished daily.
Friend actually gave her the choice to move schools.
She went back to herself almost immediately and hasn't once been in trouble.

I think your way of no party, low key birthday with presents, letter and something bought with pocket money is the way to go OP. Some of these suggestions of no presents at all, sell his playstation etc are way OTT and I am no soft touch.

Gosh poor you. I was thinking you were being unreasonable but then I read what he did! Instead of buying him a birthday present - perhaps suggest he uses the money to choose something for the child whose item he destroyed? Although I think it's also important to understand from him why he is doing these things. Maybe something is going on in his life that he's not coping with? He seems a little young to be doing something so nasty.

Honestly, I'd buy the other kid something instead of one of the presents you were going to buy your son.

Sorry ittakes2, didn't see yours!

@Heygirlheyboy yes DS2 could be part of the underlying problem with DS1 he has just turned 2 and is very mummy mummy at the moment and terrible twos. DH works a lot but we do try to spend time with DS1 as much as possible DH will go and play PlayStation just the 2 of them in the evening and in the holidays I take DS2 to the childminder 1 day a week so i can have a morning doing something with DS1. DS1 adores his brother but after having us to himself for 7 years I can understand he may feel put out at times. I will make it a mission for the holidays to make more quality time for DS1

I would be cancelling the party and telling him why.

At 9, he knows exactly what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.

bluntess bullying is actually defined generally by repeated acts of aggression, isolation etc. One incident does not make him a bully

The definition of a bully according to the Oxford English Dictionary is "a person who uses strength or influence to harm or intimidate those who are weaker"

That's exactly what this kid was doing in that moment by taking his item off him and ripping it up. The op is doing the right thing in stopping it in its tracks.

Tempting as it might be to cancel the party I don't think it will be helpful. More than likely he will be angry and resentful and more inclined to 'act out' and test how far he can push the boundaries.

I would draw a line underneath the event with the other child once he has written his apology and been seen by you and school to be remorseful and genuine.

A birthday is a birthday, very important to young children (and for adults alike) you will still in someway celebrate it so it might as well be with the party. But setting very clear boundaries about how you expect him to show kindness and fairness to the friends who are invited. Also you are letting him know that whatever he does you are there for him and want to lead him in the right direction in terms of his behaviour. Perhaps not now but he will respect your consistency and love.

If he manages his party well in terms of his behaviour with other children, heap on the praise. Encourage him to know he will be praised and rewarded for good behaviour.

Also. you've already got: whatever sanctions the school have imposed.
Writing a letter of apology
Grounding
Removal of privileges for some time

And now you want to cancel his birthday party as well? This is prolonged and excessive punishment for a stupid, impulsive act of unkindness that is being bigged up because of the nature of the item destroyed (which would really be beyond a 9-year-old's comprehension).

As to my suggestion of sellotape - this is about comforting the child whose possession it was. If something that is a) paper and b) important gets torn, you fucking mend it. To do otherwise is idiotic.

If you define bullying as a single act of meanness then every child is a bully surely?
You can't compare taking a party away that a child has invited children to to not having one in the first place. Aside from how mean that is what about other parents who have scheduled ferrying their kids to and from this party into their plans, who have maybe already bought presents that they otherwise wouldn't have. That she is not only going to punish her son but take back invitations to children who have done nothing wrong. And what about next week when the child is misbehaving again? What consequence is going to have any impact after cancelling his party?

I would also tell him how much youre looking forward to those mornings together in the holidays. Once you've dealt with this, maybe make a list if what you'll do together. Acknowledge ds2 takes a lot of time at the mo and it might get him talking. Good luck op to you and your ds. Perspective will be a great thibg on this but right now I am sure it feels just awful for all.

Stopping it in its tracks bluntness? How can you be sure? Op's already Saud punishments haven't been working with her son. Why would feeling so lousy help him be kinder? For appearances perhaps but I wouldn't bank on it long-term as a solution. Happy people don't do crappy things. Children aren't always able to articulate their feelings or regulate their emotions. My first thought for my child, after doing what I could for other child would be: he needs my help.

Please don't cancel his party
Is he sorry for what he's done?

I think cancelling his party would be very cruel.... we all only get one opportunity for this a year.

However, a consequence of his behaviour might be that you insist he invites guests he wouldn't have otherwise invited [and be a good host if they choose to come!]. This would have the benefit of (a) a consequence. (b) being relevant (c and d) giving your child the opportunity to make amends as well as change the social groups/for them all to see each other in another light.

Actually, I think this is genius!

I'm not planning on announcing to his friends the reason for the party cancellation just unforeseen circumstances have meant it can no longer go ahead

You better let him no that because he may tell them the truth. That will get back to the parents you have to think tactfully.

I have a 9 year old dd and she will not stop picking on him. Its driving me insane. I think this thread has brought me back down to earth and made me think about my own children. She needs my time as well.

I think you should invite the poor boy to the party so he can make amends properly. I would offer that invite to the parents.

Why would feeling so lousy help him be kinder?

He could be crying out for attention. Thats how naughty children behave when they are crying out. She needs to try showing him love rather than constant punishment. Its easy as a parent to lose sight of whats important all this tough love bollocks never works. They end up growing up resentful oh you remember the time. I have heard adults talk like that and when you meet the mother you think no wonder you're miserable.

He did a bad thing but try another approach and see what reaction you get.

I would absolutely cancel. I can't imagine a worse thing for this poor kid knowing that two days after he's had to go home and tell his family that their family treasure has been destroyed, the person that did it is having a lovely party with his friends.

I would not cancel the party, if it been any other time of the year you wouldn't be able to use that punishment.

"Fucking spiteful" is tearing someone's prized possession in half. If you're the kind of parent who rewards that with a birthday party treat - so be it. But then to call ME spiteful? Pft. That's exactly how special snowflakes are created.