WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

[Superheroessidekick]

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

Children do do stupid things. It's part of being a kid. But when it steps over the line and causes hurt to others it needs to stop. And understandably the OP is concerned that this is an escalating pattern of misbehaviour that's going to problems for her ds in terms of his education, his friendships & relationship with his family. She loves him and wants it to stop. Giving your child a life-lesson is imo an act of parental love - locking a kid in a dark dungeon is the easy way & no one is suggesting beating him soundly. What IS being suggested is getting ds to think about things from this other little boy's POV and learning that there is a real price to pay i.e. by giving up something he values in order to provide restitution to the boy he's hurt. It can't replace what he's destroyed but he needs to learn the lesson that comes with it. And hopefully it's a one-off lesson.

Sounds to me like your ds was showing off to the boy who said it was a fake document.

Also that he was jealous of the attention the document got for the boy who brought it in.

I don't know about cancelling the party. If it wasn't near his birthdat, what would you do then? Cancelling the party won't make him empathise with the boy whose documents he ripped up.

I think

1. letter of apology to child not just "I'm sorry" but what he's sorry for, how it would make him feel if it happened to him and assurance that he would not do anything like it again.
2. a gift for the boy out of his own pocket money
3. a daily report book from now until end of term detailing any misdemeanours (also anything good that he does)
4. Confiscate the item or items that means the most to him for which he will earn back after 5 days of good report of conduct from school.
5. he needs to be able to explain back (after chats) what he did wrong, why he did it, how it made the other child feel and how to avoid doing something similar again.
6. I would also put him to bed early for a week, lights out no reading or playing etc. If he acts like a toddler, he's treated like a toddler. But that's just me.

I think this wasn't a one-off. This is part of a series of poor behaviour choices and I agree with you, it merits this level of consequence. At 9 he is old enough to make the connection.

I withdrew funding for DC's party aged 9 due to a bathroom door kicked off its hinges in anger. It was one of a series of really violent outbursts. My argument was that I had to pay to get the door fixed and would be using the party money. We still celebrated as a family, just no jamboree with friends that year.

You're doing a fab job and have my empathy. DC is still very challenging a few years later (CAMHS involved) but hasn't broken anything for a long time

Consequences yes. No one has said don't apply a consequence.

What they are saying is look at route cause and a way to help him change his behaviour. OP has said lately his behaviour has escalated. This could be because something is bothering him or be because they have got into a negative cycle.

I don't think anyone likes always being bad and people thinking badly of them. I doubt the Op Ds thought 'ill rip this up and get into trouble and won't we all feel great about it'

He acted badly and impulsively. He needs to make it up to this boy. He needs to learn how to make it up with guidance. He needs to learn how his behaviour affects others. He needs to know people won't be his friend if he damages their stuff.

But constant negatively can drive further bad behaviour and it doesn't end well for anyone.

You're being a good parent op. It's not the easy option but it's the right one

No, for course you can't cancel birthdays, Starlighter we all know that.
Op is considering cancelling his party. They're two different things entirely.

starlighter yes you can cancel a party for behaviour like that! Op is going about it the right way, good on you. Yes celebrate his birthday, but no party, this is not a one off, but a culmination of unacceptable behaviour which needs stamping out. Op, how does he feel about his party?

YANBU at all.

Actually I think the party is a perfect thing to cancel. Because it's a one off thing which can't be earned back. Ipad, ipod, phone etc is just material stuff and children at the age of nine don't understand the value of money or sentimental in the same way we as adults do.

But canceling a party where there would have been friends A, gives out the message that a party is a privilage not a right and certainly not something he is entitled to, and once it's gone it's gone, And B, has an underlying message that actually willfully bullying another child and destroying their property will have an impact on what people think of him as a person, and that while the party can be cancelled this year, if he continues to behave this way there's a very real possibility there wouldn't be future parties because other children either don't want to or their parents wouldn't allow them to be friends with the class bully. It's not an unreasonable lesson for him to learn.

And I agree with @aeroflotgirl that if this behaviour is not nipped in the bud now the OP will be setting herself up for all manner of issues when he's a teenager and then into adulthood.

I'd cancel the party, he clearly needs something more drastic than just losing games consoles before his behaviour gets out of control.

I think making him give his birthday presents to this boy or to some other good cause (local children's hospital / DV shelter?) could be very effective, and equates with the loss of treasured property.

I don't think he should give his birthday presents away. Bloody hell. So no party, no presents, sell his iPad,sell his PlayStation. Tell him no one likes him.

A 9yo is "vile" & "sickening"? Some of you are callous excuses for human beings who I sincerely hope aren't parents. The lack of understanding makes me wanna heave.

Op you're so angry with him as he showed you up, aren't you? And that overrides any rational wish you could have to understand why your ds did this. Your spitefulness in wanting to punish him in such a public way leads me to think the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

He's losing going out with his friends, his iPad/PlayStation time, birthday party and gifts?? Way over the top.

Why don't you flog him in the town square?

I don't think the OP intends to dole out all the punishments suggested on this thread.i sincerely hope not anyway.

"Because it's a one off thing which can't be earned back." And that is exactly why I disagree. Fine if pre-warned, but making up punishments on the spot whatever mood sees fit on the day, is absolutely the wrong way to go.

Now its also a punishment for all the bad things hes done ? This is so the wrong way to define 'boundaries', hiw on earth is he going to second guess the OP next week?

Or shall we just leave it as.. 'do wrong and bad things happen...very very bad things happen.....excrutiating bad things happen..'
Jack Nicholson would be proud!

Boundaries and set, pre agreed punishments, are the most effective. Him being a part of setting those boundaries and punishments is also a hugely positive action. Then its simple () re-inforcement and everyone knows where they stand.

I don't think the OP is angry about being 'shown up' at all. She's worried that her son did something really nasty to another child and she doesn't want it to happen again. We all want our children to be happy which means that they cope in society and get along with others and have empathy. I'm not a gleeful or harsh punisher but consequences are important and he needs to understand how unkind his actions were. It really doesn't do children any favours to never impose consequences for their behaviour. Yes, seek out explanations but don't exonerate them for all their poor behaviour out of some misguided attempt to be their friend rather than parent.

Cancel the party he is turning into a nasty little boy so nip it in the bid now.

I don't understand the " all or nothing" approach that people have to discipline.....it's not a case of punish or "understand and get to the root cause," it can be both. There is obviously an ongoing issue rather than a one off act of silliness and you have already tried other less draconian methods. it is irrelevant what the OP would have done if this had happened at another time of the year....it happened now and therefore the issue of how someone should celebrate their birthday should be considered alongside the issue of punishment. I personally might postpone the party and advise my DS that he can earn it back. This way there is an incentive to behave over a longer period of time ( a month or whatever you decide) If his behaviour doesn't show improvement then obviously it gets cancelled and you move onto plan B ( or C or whatever it is).You don't have to be happy about it...you can tell him that you're upset and you wanted him to have a really great birthday but his behaviour has made that impossible. He can still write a letter and share a belonging of his with the child but it would be better if he decided these things himself rather than you standing over him telling him what to write. It's tough I agree and I have no idea what the cause is but spending more time together can only be a good way of understanding him better.

Actually, does he have something like an iPod or DS or similar? So not PlayStation value, but loved? You could offer said item to the other boy or sell it and buy him something else?

Then it's kinda a natural consequence, you destroyed something of value then you lose something of value in return.

He's already been punished both in and out of school. You made him write a letter of apology. And now you want to cancel his birthday?

I think you're being vindictive at this point. Yes he should have known better but he's still only 8 (nearly 9). You can't continue to punish him for something that has already been dealt with.

Zero tolerance from now on though. You have the Summer to get him back on track.

Perhaps there is a middle ground, @superheroessidekick - you could postpone the party until,he has earned it back, by behaving well, doing chores around the house, and doing something to make reparation to the boy whose precious object he destroyed - and he has to dthink of something he can do to make reparation and then do it - this might help him u derstand how much he has upset the other boy.

That way there is an immediate consequence for his actions - no party this weekend - but there is also an attempt to promote better behaviour and more empathy towards others going forwards.

At the end of the day, OPs son has destroyed something replaceable. In my opinion, cancelling the party is a suitable consequence. It's a privilege not a right, but also, he'll never again have a 9th birthday party. If you make him sell his possessions or give the presents to the other boy, there is a possibility that all he will learn is that this PlayStation has been given away but he can always replace it with another. He might have to wait till his next birthday, or till he's a grown up - but ultimately, it's still replaceable. I also think forcing him to hand his presents over to this other child is bordering on cruel - and if I was the mother of the other child I would be really, really embarrassed. Especially as it would seem the ripped item is probably not worth a lot except for sentimental reasons.

Why does it matter what OP would do btw if it wasn't his birthday soon? Surely all issues like this are dealt with on a case by case basis - you can take away iPad privileges when a kid has no iPad but you are buying him one in six months time for example!

I do think it is important to get to the root cause of this behaviour, but sometimes it is just that they are pushing boundaries and seeing how far they can go. I did it. I'm not a mean person, I'm not a bully, but I did some things that I was punished for and I remember the shame and upset at that. And that's ok, because it was appropriate to the situation and shaped me as I grew up.

His version of events (which I have to look at with an open mind because he isn't the best at telling the truth when he is in trouble) are:
Boy showed the item to my DS and another boy, other boy said oh that's obviously fake, my DS then took it looked at it and ripped it in half because he thought it was fake too

That suggests just nasty behaviour....just that behaviour..not he is nasty...
Now he is upset, I would ask him how does he feel he can put things right...I would give him a chance to think about it and see if he can think about the consequence himself.
Judge his response...
If he suggested going to see the other boy and his parents and apologising in person I would keep party but make crystal clear any silly or nasty behaviour in the future will be punished very harshly...and not forgiven easily..give him some examples..loss of toys/tablets/all screen time, removal of all extra curricular activity, bed by 6.30 , no playing out, no friends to play.
Brazen 'don't give a monkeys' would result in full loss of birthday celebrations in any form..as well as the above..
Somewhere in between..
loss of favourite possession until behaviour improves consistently
Family tea party but no friends
Tea for 1 friend
Grounding and early bed for a certain amount of time
No play out for a time

9 is plenty old enough to understand actions have consequences...