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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find colleague's attitude re Summer Barbecue ridiculous

145 replies

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 11:31

A lot of people in my workplace, including me, will be finishing up for the Summer in a couple of weeks. A few people have organised a 'Summer's Here' barbecue for next week to celebrate this, and management will subsidise it. So basically, we all throw in a tenner and we get food, drink and entertainment for the evening.

I asked a colleague who I bumped into in the kitchen earlier if she was going and she just laughed and said 'No, I can't think of anything worse. I actually have a life outside here'.

Fair enough if the evening planned wasn't her cup of tea. But AIBU to think that implying that all those going have no life, or are not worth socialising with is absolutely ridiculous?

There's a good atmosphere around here, but we only tend to socialise on special occasions. No going to the pub every Friday or anything like that.

OP posts:

Scrumpernickel · 04/07/2017 14:50

She was civil. Why do people have to make everything about themselves?

Good point. Why did the colleague have to make it all about herself and her 'life'. Why couldn't she just have said 'no I won't be coming'?

Mulberry72 · 04/07/2017 14:52

I never, ever went to "work do's", I liked my colleagues and got on well with everyone.

I just preferred to spend my time with my family and real friends. No biggie.

Original poster

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 15:24

That's nice Mulberry, but I don't see the relevance to this thread?

OP posts:

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 16:42

Imagine if this had happened at the school gate... some of you were talking to other parents about organising a BBQ, and she responded "No, I can't think of anything worse. I have a life don't you know"... just banter?

It's really quite depressing that so many see implied insults as acceptable office banter... Dont get me wrong, I'd not be crying in the toilets if someone said this to me... more likely I'd find it oddly amusing that someone was such a curmudgeon.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 04/07/2017 17:15

Thing is, even if the OP was the 20th person to ask her, then the obvious standard response would be "no, I can't make it, hope you all have fun." or "No, I can't make it, are you looking forward to it?" nice and friendly and not making you sound like you consider yourself superior to those who are going.

Some people aren't just happy to not join in with these things, but act like the very act of arranging something they wouldn't enjoy is an insult. It's not enough to not go, they have to make it clear the organising of it int he first place was wrong .

JassyRadlett · 04/07/2017 18:36

Yes, because god forbid anyone ever actually says what they mean!

Yes, manners, civility and making an effort not to hurt others' feelings is such an unreasonable hassle.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 04/07/2017 18:37

If other peoples feelings are so easily hurt, who can stop that?

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 19:38

If other peoples feelings are so easily hurt, who can stop that?

If someone implies that they don't want to spend time with you and has a much more worthy yours, then you're entitled to be a bit put out and think they're rude! No one is suggesting that these comments would make anyone sob for a week.

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 19:45

Yes, because god forbid anyone ever actually says what they mean!

There's a link here surely... if you're so socially inept that you just say what you like and to hell with the consequences, then you probably won't like social settings as people won't warm to you or be especially friendly with you..... Most people don't particularly like people who insist on "telling it like it is!" with little in the way of filters. It's interesting that those defending the comments are also those who also say they hate these social occasions..... it's no coincidence!

JassyRadlett · 04/07/2017 20:02

If other peoples feelings are so easily hurt, who can stop that?

'I can't think of anything worse than spending time outside work with you in a social situation. I have a life outside work, unlike the losers who would go to this.'

Yes, it's a bloody minefield, isn't it? People are so sensitive.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 04/07/2017 20:12

Don't get me wrong, I think the woman was rude to say it regardless. However, I think it's probably more like saying you can't imagine anything worse than the school quiz night / gala / tombola. Once management starts subsidising the event, asking for a tenner each from staff for food etc, it all becomes a bit affiliated with work iyswim. Some people just don't like that. Who knows why?

If the op and a few colleagues had casually asked the woman out for lunch, a drink after work or round to hers for a BBQ and the woman had said she "couldn't imagine anything worse", that would have been so much worse to me, if I were the op.

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 22:15

But that's almost what's happening.... it's not distant management that have organised some formal event, it's a few people who've organised this with management deciding to subsidise.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 05/07/2017 13:33

If other peoples feelings are so easily hurt, who can stop that?

Genuine question - do you (or anyone else defending the colleague) read the colleagues comments and think of a way it wasn't meant to be taken as an insult?

I really can't see how this could be taken in a way that wasn't an insult. I can't see how the person saying this couldn't expect it to be taken as anything other than rude to colleagues who are attending/ organised it.

Does anyone really think she didn't mean to be rude?!

The question is, is it ok to be clear that you don't like your colleagues and/or think the social event they have invited you to sounds crap?

I would say basic manners is it's ok to say "no thank you, I don't fancy that" or "I can't make it, but that's for asking me" when someone invites you to a social event. By all means, think "that sounds shit" but really really basic manners would be to express gratitude for the invitation then just decline. The fact it's colleagues and not friends/family who've invited you means that its more important, not less to be polite when declining. With friends and family, you're just risking not getting invited next time, with colleagues you're risking being marked down as 'not a team player' and 'no social skills' and therefore 'really not suited to promotion /moved to management roles or ones dealing with customers'.

TheLuminaries · 05/07/2017 13:53

OP, YANBU, the woman was unnecessarily and unreasonably rude. If I don't want to attend a work event, I have always found a simple 'sorry I can't make it, I hope you have a good time' is the appropriate, polite and professional response. I am not sure what the woman's problem is, but I don't think her attitude is doing her any favours - possibly no one has ever taught her manners? Rude people are tiresome, but it may be a lack of education, if you wish to be kind.

Satinwood · 05/07/2017 14:03

It's what I would have said in my mind but no way would I have said it out loud, it does come across as quite rude and dismissive. I guess that makes me secretly quite rude and dismissive!

squoosh · 05/07/2017 14:13

I think most/all of us are sometimes secretly quite rude and dismissive but for the sake of avoiding societal breakdown we keep it as a private thought!

Nothing worse than someone who proudly declares 'I'm known for speaking my mind' or' I call a spade a spade'.

TheLuminaries · 05/07/2017 14:19

Nothing worse than someone who proudly declares 'I'm known for speaking my mind' or' I call a spade a spade'.

I concur wholeheartedly - the very people I will seek to avoid. Or people who tell you what they consider their personality to be 'I'm a really kind person' or 'I'm a right laugh'' I always think (but don't day) I'll be the judge of that...

anchor9 · 05/07/2017 15:03

well yes it's a pointless and rude thing to say, but it so obviously says more about her than about anyone else i wouldn't pay her any mind whatsoever other than to briefly feel sorry for her being so cold and dusty on the inside. she's probably a very insecure person

anchor9 · 05/07/2017 15:05

lol well done Mulberry

Decaffstilltastesweird · 05/07/2017 15:52

Nothing worse than someone who proudly declares 'I'm known for speaking my mind' or' I call a spade a spade'.

Very true!

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