To find colleague's attitude re Summer Barbecue ridiculous

[user1485342611]

A lot of people in my workplace, including me, will be finishing up for the Summer in a couple of weeks. A few people have organised a 'Summer's Here' barbecue for next week to celebrate this, and management will subsidise it. So basically, we all throw in a tenner and we get food, drink and entertainment for the evening.

I asked a colleague who I bumped into in the kitchen earlier if she was going and she just laughed and said 'No, I can't think of anything worse. I actually have a life outside here'.

Fair enough if the evening planned wasn't her cup of tea. But AIBU to think that implying that all those going have no life, or are not worth socialising with is absolutely ridiculous?

There's a good atmosphere around here, but we only tend to socialise on special occasions. No going to the pub every Friday or anything like that.

She's probably really going to share a takeaway with her cat.

This is me. I don't see my cats often enough as I work long hours. And I like many of my colleagues but I feel like I would like to actually spend time in the house I work all hours to pay for. But because of sneery attitudes like this, I would probably lie.

There was no bit 'conversation Rainy. We both happened to be standing at the sink I said something like 'oh, are you going to the barbecue thing next Thursday' and she gave a sort of put on incredulous laugh and said what I've already described.

I certainly don't 'go on' and hassle people to go to work events. I don't go to some myself if they're not my cup of tea or it's too much hassle to get to or whatever.

I agree with you in that I think it's rude but also agree with a PP that she might not have meant it maliciously.

We have a group who socialise out of work fairly regularly and one person who was a part of that for a little bit, prior to which hadn't been socialising with anyone apart from his housemate and spending his free time gaming. When he did start joining in he said it was nice to get out and do stuff/socialise but then stopped and started making similar comments to the one your colleague is making. He's perfectly lovely in work and every so often he comes along so I think he just finds socialising difficult and isn't used to doing it (I know you can't always know colleague's private lives but we do know his, he didn't grow up around here and the only hobby he has is gaming which he's very open about so he literally only knows the people from work or has the people he talks to online).

When he's said things like in your OP to me I've had to talk myself down from being offended because he won't have meant it that way and if that was ever suggested to him then he'd be mortified!

On the flip side, there used to be another group at work who have now all left that used to socialise a lot and weren't my cup of tea so I used to turn down the invites (politely!) to the things they organised so maybe there's some people coming she really doesn't like?

I loathe work dos and I politely excuse myself from all of them.

Her phrasing was rude. I usually plead lack of childcare.

Yes Boris I intend to spend my whole Summer focusing on this because the only topics posted on AIBU are deeply serious ones that we all obsess about

Nike - No, I'm not - I'm a freelancer now, for health reasons! But I still have loads of good friends I still go out with from previous jobs. I would never hassle someone who didn't want to come. But I used to really value going in to work and seeing people I cared about, who were there (at least in part) because they had a bit of a sense of mission about their work, of brightness and sparkiness and optimism, even if we weren't on the same team. In my last job, everyone was miserable and dejected and just showed up to do the work, and it was like being in a morgue - I quit in part because I just couldn't stand going in every day to an atmosphere just south of dirge and doom. Everyone was totally suspicious, almost paranoid, about everyone else and it made any kind of collective working an absolute nightmare.

Well, I hate work social things but it's staggeringly rude to say something like that to a colleague.

Do you know how many other people had asked her if she was going, and why not? You could have been the first, but equally you could have been the tenth. Perhaps she was just feeling fed up with the perceived pressure to pay for and attend what is basically a work function.

YANBU.

All she had to say was 'No, it's not really my kind of thing' and leave it at that. But to say that she couldn't think of anything worse is rude, and to add that she ACTUALLY has a social life out of (what I presume is a school or college) is unnecessary and probably not particularly true.

However, some musings.......Is it cliquey at your work? It might be that she feels left out and this is her defence mechanism.

Another explanation is that perhaps she suffers from social anxiety and is fed up having to justify why she doesn't want to go, or maybe she was caught on the hop and came up with the first reason she could think of, hence her OVER- justifying why she was staying away.

And countless other potential explanations....
Either way, I'd forget it. Without knowing her motive it's impossible to say whether she is unpleasant, or lonely, or feeling left out, or a bit anti-social, or just busy and frustrated, or anxious. Or maybe she just hates you all (which would render her comment just rude.) Without knowing, it is best left alone! And definitely best not discussed with other staff members.

I haven't discussed it with colleagues, despite some rude poster accusing me on the basis of nothing, of gossip mongering all over the office.
I certainly don't want to be responsible for her comment being relayed back to the people who went to a lot of trouble to organise what the thought would be a nice event (and purely voluntary to attend),

what 'they' thought.

Cardinal raises good points.

Honestly I'd let this one go.

You're right, she was rude - she just had to make an excuse not to come, like most people would.

You could try turning it to a running joke from now on in - every invitation could start with 'for those of us without super exciting social lives outside of this place ..we are going for a drink after work next friday to celebrate so and so's birthday/ would like to say goodbye to Jim who is leaving...'

There's one chap i work with who avoids all work dos but manages to do so without implying that he's superior to others.

Think you're overthinking it. I find some of these work things excruciating.
Much prefer to spend my precious down time time with people I actually choose to socialise with.TBH, I would even prefer a night on my own with a takeaway and Netflix,- bliss

The ONLY people who have ever said this in front of me have been those who feel left out. It's very bitter, and my first thought was, "She doesnt sound like anybody likes her" - am I right?

I hate things like this, but you can decline without being rude. I tend to just say that I've got something on binge watching crap on Netflix but even a 'it's not really my cup of tea, but I hope you have fun' would be fine.

I feel the same way as your colleague about work social events, but I'm a grumpy, antisocial old, (not that old), trout. Though, I would never actually say anything like that out loud. Is she quite new to the office? Just because I remember when I was in my first job out of uni and a bit naive maybe, I said something a little bit similar about going to yoga in the office after work. I think I said (jokingly), "no, I do yoga outside of work - I see enough of you lot in the office". If anyone took offence I didn't notice it, but you never know!

It probably wasn't meant to be taken as seriously as you seem to be. I'd forget about it.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude or jump to conclusions. I'm sure you have no intentions of telling anyone. I've just seen this kind of office politics play out so often, especially after a few drinks at a work event, "guess what X said..." and X will probably come in the next week and wonder what the funny looks and cold shoulders are for. It's these kind of cliquey work things that really sour a place for some people. But maybe that's just me putting two and two together and making five!

If you'd simply said AIBU to want my colleague to be more diplomatic in her refusal, nobody could argue with that.

That's more or less what the OP did say but she's still being told she's unreasonable.

OP I'm with you. She was rude. What is wrong with people that they can't answer a straightforward question with 'No, I'm not' or 'yes, I am'

No worries Wawawaa

It's what OP sort of said later on, sort of, but it's not what her title said nor her OP really. That is why people have told her she is BU: because the title was.

I made it perfectly clear in my OP that I realised the event itself wasn't everyone's cup of tea. By her 'attitude' I meant her manner and way of expressing herself, which is what attitude means. Not her action in not attending the barbecue.

IME people who "hate" work dos, while getting on well enough with their colleagues day to day, generally just hate socialising. Agree with PP, it's unlikely she's not going because she has a full social calendar, but that because she doesn't like socialising outside of very strict parameters. (eg. only in locations near her home, only with her DH there, only with a small group of people or family she's known for years, only certain types of social activities etc).

The sneeriness would piss me off, it's not good enough to just say "I can't make it" or "I don't fancy it, but hope you all have fun!" it's making it clear she thinks it's beneath her to attend, and you're all a little sad to find it fun.

Ignore her.

Yeah, reading it back, the "I have a life..." is pretty harsh. Maybe she's self conscious about her real reasons not to go.

I wonder too (as some have suggested) if it was some kind of defence mechanism so people wouldn't keep asking. My DH works with a load of women (about 15,) and only one other man who he doesn't see often, as they have different shifts.

They have a Christmas party every year, and a mid summer staff get together, and he is always asked. He usually goes, but he hates it, as he has nothing in common with them. Plus he doesn't like some of them as they're gobby and opinionated, and you can't get a word in edgeways!

When he said NO to the Christmas do last year, because it fell into his time off he had booked (15th December to the 29th,) some of them were utterly incensed. They nagged and moaned and whined and damn near bullied him til he said yes. (It was £13 each and was paid for by tips they had received in the last six months.)

He said yes to shut them up, but never had any intention of going, as he had booked the time off specifically to spend time with family and close friends, and had the whole 2 weeks sorted and planned.

The party was 19th December, so he just deactivated his facebook and switched off his mobile phone for the entire Christmas break after that, so no-one from his workplace could contact him. (They don't have our landline number.) Also, we live 25 miles from where he works, and in a tricky place to get to, so they weren't likely to 'pop round.'

When he went back to work, they asked why he never came, and he said he had a migraine. When he reopened facebook, there were messages from 7 different people, and also a dozen messages on his mobile phone - some from the night of the meal.

Needless to say when they asked him to the 'summer do' (late July,) and he said no immediately, they didn't badger him this time.

So, as I said, it is quite possible, that the person in the office was so abrupt and snarky as a 'defence' thing. I expect she doesn't want to go, and probably thinks if she is so snappy, people won't keep asking. Some people in workplaces can be very pushy, and very rude to you if you are a person who doesn't like to socialise with work colleagues.

As someone said earlier in the thread, people who prefer not to go to work do's get called boring and anti social and all sorts of names. So it's kind of almost understandable that you may occasionally get someone being arsey and rude, as they are probably expecting a barrage of 'don't be boring!' type comments, and they have probably had a bellyful of them.

Still, her reaction was rude to be honest.