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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find colleague's attitude re Summer Barbecue ridiculous

145 replies

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 11:31

A lot of people in my workplace, including me, will be finishing up for the Summer in a couple of weeks. A few people have organised a 'Summer's Here' barbecue for next week to celebrate this, and management will subsidise it. So basically, we all throw in a tenner and we get food, drink and entertainment for the evening.

I asked a colleague who I bumped into in the kitchen earlier if she was going and she just laughed and said 'No, I can't think of anything worse. I actually have a life outside here'.

Fair enough if the evening planned wasn't her cup of tea. But AIBU to think that implying that all those going have no life, or are not worth socialising with is absolutely ridiculous?

There's a good atmosphere around here, but we only tend to socialise on special occasions. No going to the pub every Friday or anything like that.

OP posts:

Liiinoo · 04/07/2017 12:12

I agree with PPs. It was rude but was probably a defensive reaction - it's easier to put other people down than to say ' No, because I'm new and shy and don't want to be left on my own while everyone else gets drunk and has fun'. not speaking from personal experience at all

2014newme · 04/07/2017 12:13

I'm with the colleague. not my thing.

chupsmelad · 04/07/2017 12:14

vereesa you're right, obviously I only have the OP's interpretation to go on.

I do think she left herself open to being perceived as very rude though.

I have no life outside work/children so it's not that I perceive that as being a bad thing .

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/07/2017 12:14

But surely just a simple 'no, I have something else on that night so can't make it' would suffice

You'd think so wouldn't you? But my experience that would be 2 weeks of demands to know exactly what you're doing that is so much better than the barbecue.

Original poster

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 12:16

Yes we do engage in banter vereesa. But rudely putting down an event that a lot of colleagues are looking forward to is not 'banter',

OP posts:

lanouvelleheloise · 04/07/2017 12:17

Oh God, how rude! When you're stuck at work with people for 35-40 hours a week (minimum), it is SO VERY much more pleasant if you're friends and you get along. Events like this are really important in building that sense of something shared.

RhubardGin · 04/07/2017 12:19

It's her choice not to go but I think that was quite a rude and unnecessary thing to say.

By saying 'I have a life' she is implying that you're a bunch of saddos without social lives.

She sounds right up her own arse, just stop extending an invite to her in future.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/07/2017 12:20

It's like the people who moan about being busy at work all the time very rarely are either.

I'd love to go to something like that (I'm self employed so no work dos) so if you need anyone to make up the numbers, I'm up for it. I'm chatty and friendly and will wear a nice frock

Vereesa · 04/07/2017 12:21

chupsmelad I do think it's interesting and I guess the key here lies in what kind of general work environment it is. My office has a bit of the "old boys" vibe sometimes and most of us come from the same few schools, so we're often quite comfortable with taking the piss out of each other for all sorts of things.

I'm prepared to admit that I could be an oddity in my views though, and that I might be assuming that my experiences are the norm when they aren't necessarily so.

HiJenny35 · 04/07/2017 12:22

I hate work dos. My work is my work, I want to do it and go home. Yes I've made friends with people at work who I will keep in contact with outside of work but broadly it's just work. My friends outside of work are my friends who I want to socialise with. I hate it when there's a do and you say 'no I'm not going' and then there's the continuous 'oh why? Don't be boring, come, you've got to come' etc etc. I think her response may be related to that sort of pestering (not necessarily from you).
I think you are overthink it.

DotForShort · 04/07/2017 12:23

She was rude and tactless. TBH it wouldn't be my idea of a good time either but I hope I would have the good manners not to express myself so thoughtlessly.

Maybe she blurted it out and is now kicking herself for saying it. In any case, try to forget what she said and enjoy the barbecue.

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 12:24

YANBU. It was a rude response implying that you didn't have much of a social life, and that she couldn't think of anything worse than spending time with you or colleagues....

Yes, it's banter, but that doesn't stop it from being rude. Socially aware people recognise the difference between banter that's fun, and banter that's snide... I doubt she actually has much of a life outside work anyway, which isn't probably linked to her lack of social skills as exemplified by her comment!

Wawawaa · 04/07/2017 12:24

Hmm, I was a bit like her in my previous job but only because my colleagues were really sneery and generally nasty and no way if I could help it would I have wanted to spend extra time with them... although I did really push myself to at times as the only people to get promoted were the ones that got wasted in the pub with the boss every Friday. They were all a good 10 years younger than me and made constant comments about my age (I'm only in my 30s!).

Rainybo · 04/07/2017 12:26

YABU. I hate organised work fun. And I hate it when people try to make me enthusiastic about it even more.

It's not a reward if you're introverted/hate the people you work with/have better things to do. It's a bloody endurance test.

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 12:27

Which is linked... not isn't

Saucery · 04/07/2017 12:27

This annoys me, because if I'm not going then I won't have put my name down on the list, so don't mither me by mentioning it. She was rude though. I just say a straight No followed by I don't fancy it if questioned

Scrumpernickel · 04/07/2017 12:27

YANBU

She sounds miserable.

And what's more, I bet she doesn't have anything better to do.

Coddiwomple · 04/07/2017 12:28

You are completely over-reacting. Most people hate work dos! Even if you love your job, it's still work and you have to stay on "work mode" in any settings and you cannot relax and be yourself. Hardly a great set up to have a good time when you have to watch everything you say and do.

I am sure she didn't mean anything negative against any one else. I always think that people who attend do so because they feel they have to, either because they are in management position or because they feel they have to be polite. She probably did not mean that you or others have no life, just that she cannot be bothered to make the effort to go.

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 12:28

YABU. I hate organised work fun. And I hate it when people try to make me enthusiastic about it even more.

But the OP doesn't have a problem with her not going and disliking work do's, but how she communicated it!

Scrumpernickel · 04/07/2017 12:29

If you don't want to go just smile cheerily and say you'll be unable to make it. No need to piss all over everyone else's chips.

Steal her stapler.

MsPassepartout · 04/07/2017 12:29

It's a very rude way of saying she's not going.

Original poster

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 12:29

But it's not the fact that she doesn't want to go the tI object to Rainybo. It was the fact that she couldn't just say she wasn't free/not really her thing, but had to imply that her life outside of work was far more interesting than anyone else's, hence why she wasn't going.

OP posts:

WankYouForTheMusic · 04/07/2017 12:30

She was BU to phrase it like that, because that's just rude. But you are BU to object to her attitude. It's perfectly legitimate of her not to want to spend any more time around you and her other colleagues than she has to, and to think the event sounds awful. If you'd simply said AIBU to want my colleague to be more diplomatic in her refusal, nobody could argue with that.

Also you have no idea whether she has a good social life or not. Some people combine that with being obnoxious. She might be one of them. What you do know is that if she thinks that, she isn't going to enhance your work event with her presence. So be grateful she's not going!

Judydreamsofhorses · 04/07/2017 12:30

I teach, and we had an end of term barbecue last Friday (we're in Scotland so now finished). I genuinely can't think of anything I'd less rather do than stay at work on a Friday night, and pay for it, but when people asked if I was going I smiled sweetly and said I was sorry I couldn't make it as I had something else on, but hoped they had a great night. (In reality I was going home to eat pizza and drink wine in my pyjamas with my DP - but no-one needs to know that!)

Original poster

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 12:30

You would be very welcome Bit especially if you bring a bottle

OP posts:

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