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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find colleague's attitude re Summer Barbecue ridiculous

145 replies

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 11:31

A lot of people in my workplace, including me, will be finishing up for the Summer in a couple of weeks. A few people have organised a 'Summer's Here' barbecue for next week to celebrate this, and management will subsidise it. So basically, we all throw in a tenner and we get food, drink and entertainment for the evening.

I asked a colleague who I bumped into in the kitchen earlier if she was going and she just laughed and said 'No, I can't think of anything worse. I actually have a life outside here'.

Fair enough if the evening planned wasn't her cup of tea. But AIBU to think that implying that all those going have no life, or are not worth socialising with is absolutely ridiculous?

There's a good atmosphere around here, but we only tend to socialise on special occasions. No going to the pub every Friday or anything like that.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 04/07/2017 12:31

She was rude.

DeleteOrDecay · 04/07/2017 12:31

In my experience, people who make that sort of comment (and I've heard it a few times) very rarely have much of a life outside work, not a social one anyway.

This.

YANBU op. I probably wouldn't have gone to something like that but her comment was snarky and unnecessary. "I have a life outside of this place" kind of implies that she feels somewhat superior about not going and that those who are going must have a less exciting life than her. She could have just said she already has plans or it's not her scene, she would have made herself look less like a snob then.

NellieBuff · 04/07/2017 12:31

I think you are being ridiculous about this. That is a type of comment that gets thrown around my office all the time. And no we are not all thick skinned ignorant folk but we know a throw away comment when we hear it.

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 12:33

Most people hate work dos!

Based on what?!

I get that some people hate them, and some people love them... and whether people like them depends on the type of work do. I've often socialised with work colleagues... never any pressure to go (as I've missed them sometimes) but most turn up voluntarily and, unless they're very good actors, seem to have a great time!

diddl · 04/07/2017 12:34

I think that she was making a point with the second bit.

You can get along with & work well alongside people without being friends though.

noodlebum · 04/07/2017 12:35

I an be a bit antisocial with work stuff, but I wouldn't have replied in that manner. They're just rude, ignore them and have fun!

coconuttella · 04/07/2017 12:35

What I meant was that most turn up, and of those that do, all do so entirely voluntarily as we don't put any pressure on people to go as we know we all have busy lives.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/07/2017 12:35

It's interesting that many of you are interpreting the woman's comment of "I have a life" to mean "I have a social life".

Rainybo · 04/07/2017 12:36

I don't think she was rude. I suspect saying something like that was the only way to get you to stop going on about it.

I just wonder about your side of the conversation (having been on the receiving end of 'encouragement' before).

However, I agree with the posters who say she probably doesn't have some sparkling social life to attend to. I bet she just wants to go home, watch TV and drink wine.

Notknownatthisaddress · 04/07/2017 12:37

YANBU that sounded very spiteful.

To assume people who mix with work colleagues socially, don't have a life outside, or any other friends, is rude and obnoxious to say the least. And 'office banter' my arse! The OP would have been able to tell if it was banter, and it wasn't, or she would not be posting here.

No matter what anyone on here says, she DID imply she is better than you and the rest of the colleagues, and SHE has a life outside the office, when you and the rest of the people going to the party obviously don't.

Sounds like the party will be better without the miserable moo anyway. She definitely has issues. Do the people at work not like her or something? I also agree with the posters who said people who make this kind of (spiteful) comment, rarely have any life outside work, and they are bitter, and projecting.

Yeah, I know some people don't like work gatherings, and that is their right, but the spiteful put-down is something else.

Enjoy the party, and have a great summer holiday!

haveacupoftea · 04/07/2017 12:38

I'm with her. Why the fuck would you want to spend your personal time at a work event? Urgh.

Scrumpernickel · 04/07/2017 12:38

I'm with her.

Not sure she'd welcome your company.

Urgh.

midsomermurderess · 04/07/2017 12:38

Fair enough, but she could have been a bit less charmless and abrasive in how she expressed it.

Rainybo · 04/07/2017 12:40

You find her attitude ridiculous, she finds yours ridiculous. You're at least as bad as each other.

mmgirish · 04/07/2017 12:41

I think it's very rude actually. I hate when people do things like that. If they want to separate their work and social life - no problem. However, there is no need for rudeness.

diddl · 04/07/2017 12:41

" I suspect saying something like that was the only way to get you to stop going on about it."

As far as we know, Op only asked!

Perhaps the colleague has been asked enough times though?

Wawawaa · 04/07/2017 12:41

Don't overthink how or what she said. It's fine. Let her not come and don't create a drama about it. She didn't say anything about having more of a life than you. I can just imagine all the office gossip from this if you've told a load of people. I hate this type of office politics. Just don't overthink things and stop stirring.

People shouldn't feel pressured to spend more time at the office/with colleagues than necessary. Maybe she's having a really shit time with her boss or team that you're not aware of and she's got PMS and just saying what she feels because she likes you and she's opening up to you. She might have said it differently another time.

But overall, she hasn't said anything to put you down so just leave it. And enjoy your bbq as it's obviously your thing which is great for you!

BorisTrumpsHair · 04/07/2017 12:42

I just found her dismissive attitude a bit unnecessary.
Keep focusing on this OP! The road to a happy summer lies directing a lot of foucs on the dismissive comment of someone you barely know.

Plipplops · 04/07/2017 12:42

YANBU. She was very rude, it's fine not to want to go but no need to put everyone else down.

As far as 'office banter', the only way I can imagine this being funny is if it was a group of colleagues who often do socialise together, but on this one occasion the one person has something else on?

LDN17 · 04/07/2017 12:42

Not everyone likes to go out with work colleagues. People should be able to to say no thanks without having to come up with "reasonable" excuses.
I wouldn't have gone as far as your work colleague with what she said op, but I would have declined the offer and said I don't want to go, whilst secretly thinking "couldn't think of anything worse". But I wouldn't think up an excuse, because not wanting to go is a good enough reason.

Rainybo · 04/07/2017 12:43

Fair point diddl I rephrase 'to get everyone to stop going on about it'.

Floggingmolly · 04/07/2017 12:45

Of course it wasn't a throwaway comment that meant nothing . It was a calculatedly disparaging remark intended to make herself with her busy life seem superior to the rest of you.
Gobshite. She's probably really going to share a takeaway with her cat.

troodiedoo · 04/07/2017 12:45

Some people have to put others down slyly to make themselves feel better. I wouldn't give it too much thought though. Have a great time.

StrangeAndUnusual · 04/07/2017 12:46

She was definitely rude. It could be because she is a self-centred, unpleasant person who was trying to put you down.

Or it could be because she is an introvert who finds large social situations very stressful and finds the social aspect of her work difficult and debilitating, and for her, her life outside work runs along very different lines - and she can't think of anything worse than an unnecessary work social activity. Still very rude of her to say it, but it probably came out far more rudely than she intended - because she's always feeling stressed and wound up at work, and opening her mouth let it out.

I'm obviously not projecting at all here, and this does not in any way describe me or similar things I may have said in previous jobs ...

Nikephorus · 04/07/2017 12:50

Events like this are really important in building that sense of something shared.

Seriously? Sorry, but for some of us they're as appealing as a trip to the dentist. Possibly even less so as the dentist wants to get rid of you pronto so they can see the next poor sod; work events have a longer amount of pain involved. Admittedly misery loves company but that aside you're not building something shared, and why the need to share anything anyway? It's a job - you turn up because you want to get paid. Maybe you might like the people but that's a happy coincidence. I bet you're one of those really annoying people who won't take no for an answer for work events

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