To really hate my house.

[Fedupfeelingthisway]

We moved into our house 10 years ago this month. It's my husband's "dream house" and I went along with it at the time because I felt it had potential. At the time although it needed a lot of work done to it, I felt it would be ok. I knew that I would struggle to keep it clean myself as it literally would be a full time job I. Itself.

Anyway fast forward 10 years and it's had nothing spent on it and it's a delapodated shit hole. I fucking detest it with every ounce of my soul. However it's still my husband's dream house and despite the fact it's falling down around our ears if I ever say anything derogatory about it he takes it very badly. We basically don't have the money to do it up let alone maintain it, but until some kind of miracle happens it's just going to get worse.

I'm fed up, I'm constantly miserable because the house is always filthy, dusty and stinks. i hate it and not a week goes by where I don't break down because I'm so unhappy living here. If my husband ever catches me he gets angry and accuses me of being ungreatful.

It smells of rot, dogs and kids. It leaks in almost every room. Large black mouldy patches on ceilings, rotting window frames and wall paper hang off. Ancient heating system, filthy carpets. It was last decorated in the 70s and whoever was here before us simply painted over the wall paper. There are cobwebs too high to reach, it's dingy ancient and we don't even have guttering anymore. I absolutely hate it and if we ever do have money it'll just disappear into fixing what has been left to rot. We can't even afford new furnisture or carpets.

I don't even invite my friends over any more and my kids never have theirs round either.

I'm in tears writing this. I just can't take much more, I hate it so much. But we are stuck with it.

Sounds horrendous. Is it even a safe living environment?

Do you think it's sellable in its current state?

Hang on, why do his wants trump yours? A good relationship should involve compromise and it sounds like you are the only one doing that. He's had his chance, it's been 10 years ffs! If he gets angry with you over something as reasonable as not wanting to live in a shit tip your problems are way bigger than your house.

For me it would be ultimatum time, or even just make plans to move out on your own. He doesn't seem to care much about your needs at all. What is your relationship like in other areas?

This sounds awful OP. It can't continue indefinitely.

Is there any money to do the basics the house needs to make it clean and free from mould/rot/damp?

If not I think you are going to have to cut your losses and sell. Your DH is going to have to have a proper conversation with you about this, surely he doesn't want to see it fall apart around you?

Go out for dinner/make dinner and sit down for a proper unemotional discussion. Don't say you hate the house and he can't say he loves it, in purely practical terms, is this lifestyle sustainable barring a miracle cash injection (which you know is not going to happen).

Gosh, that sounds hard OP. I know what it's like to be unhappy in your living environment, it's very hard to bounce back from.

In what sense is it DH's dream house?

Very depends where she is. Where we are you could sell literally anything with four walls.

I would move out! If the house has no gutters and mold growing, then the walls will be full of damp. Sounds like it needs serious money spending on it.
You'd be safer and healthier living in a caravan!
You NEED to show him how you feel. I bet he doesn't spend as much time in it as you do, so he doesn't see the problems?

Also, what the F** has he been doing for the last 10 years?

He's not going to let it go unless you make him - and that depends on the strength of your relationship.

Are you prepared to split up if it comes to it? Because that is the only way he is going to realise how important this is to you.

It would be ultimatum time for me. I would have to stress the effect on my mental health and ask if that's less important to him than living in a house you can't afford to live in.

Sorry to hear it's upsetting you so much OP! 💐
Your husband quite frankly needs a bollocking! He cannot just get mad at you for being upset about the house, your needs should be equal to his. You both need a sit down and talk this out, he needs to understand why you are upset without getting angry. A good look at finances is also a good idea, then maybe create a plan on what needs to be fixed in order of urgency.

Maybe have a look to see if your bank will lend you more on your mortgage to do repairs on what sounds like a house that is uninhabitable.

Bloody hell, it sounds like a house of horrors not a dream house!

What is so 'dream like' about it from your husbands perspective? Is he happy living in that environment? He sounds like a selfish arse who is not taking any of your (legitimate) concerns into consideration. Can you afford to move on your own if need be, to rented accommodation? Then I would be issuing an ultimatum which would be - move with us into a more habitable property if we divorce, sell the shit hole and I'll start again on my own

I'm fed up, I'm constantly miserable because the house is always filthy, dusty and stinks. i hate it and not a week goes by where I don't break down because I'm so unhappy living here. If my husband ever catches me he gets angry and accuses me of being ungreatful

What exactly are you supposed to be grateful for?

Tell him either the house is sold and you move together to some where safe and habitable and affordable or you want your 1/2 of the money out of it and you will force him to sell and you will both go your separate ways.

Is there any way of remortgaging? I was where you are but managed to borrow loans to do the house up and am now remortgaging - it is so worth it

I hated my house so much and so did the kids too but I love it now. It's so necessary to my happiness and the children all spend much more time in it too. I didn't have a brilliant credit rating due to exh but still managed to borrow enough to do it up really nicely.

I'm guessing it's a period property? I do sympathise. I love my old house but God it's cold and draughty....is there no extra cash anywhere at all in your budget?

Why would your DH want you all to be so unhappy?

And it doesn't exactly sound like a dream house in the state it's in now

You poor thing. I think I'd be leaving to be honest if I were that unhappy

Big hug. That sounds awful. Move out, with or without him. You a miserable, he gets angry and forces you to live somewhere horrid.

I've known people in similar situations. The worst one ever was a couple who lived in a house with no floorboards in the kitchen for twenty years. She left him eventually when she realised it was never going to change.

I reckon your DH is is denial. The problem might be that he knows the house is never going to get properly fixed up, but right now, at this moment, it's still liveable in... just. So the need to finally confront the problem can wait until tomorrow, iyswim.

And it is possibly he will think like this until the problem gets so bad, he can do nothing but face it (ie. When the roof falls in or the windows fall out), by which time it will just be too late.

I have a heckova lot of empathy for your position because I guess there's no way to get him to discuss the situation honestly and pragmatically without an almighty row. He's probably developed so many emotional and psychological defenses over the state of the house, any comment will be perceived as an attack on him and he will retaliate as though you've just tried to storm his personal Fort Knox.

The thing is that if you have black mould and no guttering, the house is dangerous to live in. It just is. There's no getting away from that. Likewise the ancient heating system, when's the last time it had a safety check?

My only suggestion about how to potentially handle this situation is to write down your concerns in a very unemotional way in a letter and give it to him, then go out until he has read it and responded in kind in writing. Take the face to face out of the communication in the first instance.

If he can't cope with that, then I am afraid you will possibly be looking at leaving the marriage.

No one should have to live in such circumstances for ten years because a partner refuses to move. It's wildly unreasonable and detrimental to the health and wellbeing of both you and your children.

Seems poor planning to buy a wreck 10 years ago with no cash to do it up.

If you cant afford it then you can afford it so sell up and downsize

I agree with pickingoakum about denial. I think you need to ask yourself: would someone who really loved you put you through this? I don't care how much I thought something was a dream house, if it was making my DH cry with frustration, I'd move.

GET OUT OF THERE
The mould should be a huge indicator you need to move. If it can't be treated with a dehumidifier and mould spray to help get rid of it, you seriously need to move. It can cause so many health problems. The leaks aren't going to help either. (personal experience my goodness we shouldn't have been in that house it was a death trap)

You could always ask to see if you can find someone who will look the house over and point out any problems with it (so you have an official bit of proof).

And if all else fails, then the fact your DH is putting the house before your concerns is an indicator you need to think about it. You could be better off without him. Health should come first, as should you as his wife. Either that, or he needs to get to working on the house to make it liveable.

I think you need to ask yourself: would someone who really loved you put you through this?

Agreed

You clearly can't afford to live there - time to sell up and move to a smaller house in a cheaper area that doesn't need doing up.

This is awful op, your desperation shines through your post. I live in a house which is expensive to maintain and we have put off lots of jobs because we were involved in lengthy family court proceedings which took all our cash. We are grandparent carers.

To be honest, a lot of what you describe is our house and I hated it. Worse still, we have vile neighbours in the adjoining courtyard who are appalling snobs and judged the predicament we found ourselves in through no fault of our own which made me hate it more.

We are undertaking work at present and to be honest, the more we have taken apart, the more we have found. Even removing an old bannister left 9 huge holes in the wall which we had to replaster. My dh has repainted, new skirting, architraving, resanded the floorboards and repapered upstairs. The living room will be repainted and it does make a difference just feeling cleaner. However, due to costs we have had to undertake works ourselves and hell has it been hard work. We have been here 18 years.

I felt very near to the end you describe in your post. What you need to remember is that it is half YOUR house as well. If he cannot make it clean and habitable for you, then quite simply it has to go because he cannot afford to live in and maintain the house. Ten years is a long time to live with his dream/nightmare house.

Getting rid would mean you had more money to spend enjoying yourself and a move down would mean a warmer, cleaner, affordable house where you could enjoy buying new furniture etc. Only you can decide whether you want to remain this unhappy.

I would not be staying in a house with mould, that's a big health risk. The fact that its not improved in ten years tells that he's never going to fix it so its ultimatum time - you're moving out and he can come with you or stay in the shit house but you are not staying any longer in a house that is a risk to your health and the kids.

It's quite possible the years of living there are making you actually depressed. If it all seems unsurmountable, that you can't find a solution, and you are breaking down because of it.

It must be hard to find the energy to tackle anything.

I'd go the the GP, start looking for somewhere else and/or work out how much it would cost to fix stuff.

It's a health hazard at the moment. You do need to do something, a frank conversation is needed (I know easy for me to say) and either sell, if possible and move, or remortgage, as already suggested, and have the necessary work done.