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AIBU?

To really hate my house.

135 replies

Fedupfeelingthisway · 04/07/2017 10:59

We moved into our house 10 years ago this month. It's my husband's "dream house" and I went along with it at the time because I felt it had potential. At the time although it needed a lot of work done to it, I felt it would be ok. I knew that I would struggle to keep it clean myself as it literally would be a full time job I. Itself.

Anyway fast forward 10 years and it's had nothing spent on it and it's a delapodated shit hole. I fucking detest it with every ounce of my soul. However it's still my husband's dream house and despite the fact it's falling down around our ears if I ever say anything derogatory about it he takes it very badly. We basically don't have the money to do it up let alone maintain it, but until some kind of miracle happens it's just going to get worse.

I'm fed up, I'm constantly miserable because the house is always filthy, dusty and stinks. i hate it and not a week goes by where I don't break down because I'm so unhappy living here. If my husband ever catches me he gets angry and accuses me of being ungreatful.

It smells of rot, dogs and kids. It leaks in almost every room. Large black mouldy patches on ceilings, rotting window frames and wall paper hang off. Ancient heating system, filthy carpets. It was last decorated in the 70s and whoever was here before us simply painted over the wall paper. There are cobwebs too high to reach, it's dingy ancient and we don't even have guttering anymore. I absolutely hate it and if we ever do have money it'll just disappear into fixing what has been left to rot. We can't even afford new furnisture or carpets.

I don't even invite my friends over any more and my kids never have theirs round either.

I'm in tears writing this. I just can't take much more, I hate it so much. But we are stuck with it.

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KeemaNaan · 04/07/2017 11:44

That's not a dream house, its a nightmare. If it was that much of a dream, then he'd have done something over the last few years to have made it a better place. At the moment, unless his dream is to see you ill and miserable, you need to move on.

Even in its current state, it will have some value. Heck, even if you left him you'd get some equity out of the house and be able to rent somewhere better than that.

Leaving isn't easy. Tackling what seems an insurmountable problem isn't easy, but you can't go on living somewhere that's making you physically and mentally ill. No house is worth that.

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blankface · 04/07/2017 11:44

Get a full structural survey done by someone with a FRICS qualification.

Then ask for quotes to remedy all the works that the survey shows up.

Present that total to your husband and tell him that's either the cost to get it ready to be habitable/ put on the market, or it's the minimum amount you need to reduce the price by to sell it.

Once he's confronted by stark reality, he should be able to make a decision about what is in your family's best interests.

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Fedupfeelingthisway · 04/07/2017 11:45

I don't think it is safe, it was checked for fire safety when we got it, but there's so much old wiring.

No one would want to buy it in its current sate. It's totally unsellable also with the market the way it is.

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The80sweregreat · 04/07/2017 11:47

could you not get some quotes ( about 3) for all the work that needs doing and arrange a loan or mortgage extension or something to do it all in one go? i know how awful it is living somewhere you hate and its a lot of money to lay out, but once its all done it will make you feel so much better. mould needs fixing as it is a health risk and could be making you feel depressed and run down. dont have any other suggestions really - you could look into moving maybe? builders like properties they can do up and sell on sometimes.

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Assburgers · 04/07/2017 11:49

Can you get a loan / remortgage to get some cash to fix it? The guttering especially.

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Figgygal · 04/07/2017 11:50

Sounds horrendous as others have said why is it such a dream home? If he's achieved nothing in 10 years the situation won't change.

Tell him his options are you or the house

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jellybeanteaparty · 04/07/2017 11:52

Feel for you OP Have been in similar but not so extreme situation. Make a list of what bothers you the most. From that list see if there is any solution that would be quick and or cheap to remedy it. Frank talk with husband about how it affecting you and kids with no blame on anyone. E.G Would guttering stop the mold? Would taking out smelly carpets and painting concrete floor or floorboards with white emulsion make it feel better? Is their one room that could be made nice?

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Wildthoughts · 04/07/2017 11:54

I don't get why he thinks it's his dream house. That doesn't make sense.

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pinkdelight · 04/07/2017 11:54

Interesting that it's his dream house which he professes to love and yet he's neglecting it and letting it rot all around him and can't see that.

Meanwhile, you're meant to be his dream woman who he loves, and you're deeply upset and he doesn't care and doesn't want to know.

Quite a pattern there. As mumsnet wisdom would have it, you don't have a house problem, you have husband problem. He doesn't get the last word here. He's had his dream decade. Now he needs to wake up and get real. YANBU at all. Now it's time to make him realise that or else...

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lovemycatsanddog · 04/07/2017 11:55

I had a similiar situation, i knew when we went to see it i would hate it, i only stayed for about4 years and left him and the house,
He didnt decorate or anything, i even pulled old kitchen units out,which were rotten
There were a lot of rows about it, but other things contributed to my leaving too
I had no say in the matter of moving there from a lovely bungalow
Also it was in a very quiet village ,and i had young twins,so couldnt get on one of the rare buses,hated every minute ,had to walm miles to a shop

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KimmySchmidt1 · 04/07/2017 11:56

one of the most important things you have to do if you are married to a man is confront him with the stuff he would rather pretend was not happening - not jump into the delusion with him and play along.

For whatever reason the house has not worked out. He needs to be a grown up, admit he has done sod all DIY and has not developed it as he intended, and move.

"getting cross" or "getting upset" about it when you raise it is bullsh1t. The house is a real physical problem and it needs a real physical solution, not a big phoney who tries to make his family pretend everything is OK.

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IsabelleSE19 · 04/07/2017 11:58

Sorry to hear you're so down - it must be really tough as when the problem is your home you have nowhere that is a 'sanctuary'.

Does your DH actually enjoy living there? From what you've said I can't believe he's happy with the situation. Agree with others that you should write a list of the work that needs doing, get quotes, and either use them to shock him into action or for the basis of a remortgage if that's at all possible.

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PoorYorick · 04/07/2017 11:59

Why exactly did he want it?

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WomblingThree · 04/07/2017 12:00

His dream has turned into your nightmare. He's had his way for 10 years, now it's your turn.

Don't for gods sake chuck any money at it. It's a complete waste because you still will never be happy in a shit hole that makes you depressed. No house is unsalable, if only for the ground it stands on. Ok, you might be upside down on the mortgage, but that's his problem now.

I'm a great believer in working at things, and not quitting at the first hurdle, but honestly? You've done your time. Black mould is unhealthy for your kids and you. Put them, and yourself first and move out.

Separate, sort out HB, find a rental and work on getting your life back together. He can stay in his precious dream house and contemplate his future.

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MyKingdomForBrie · 04/07/2017 12:01

If it's his dream home it must have some potential and therefore be sellable to someone who will have the money to renovate it.

I would give him an ultimatum - you or the house. He can't refuse to sell if a court order as part of a divorce demands it.

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RubyWinterstorm · 04/07/2017 12:04

yeah, the problem is not the house...it's your DH

My DH does no house maintenance, so I present him with cost/budget of getting things fixed (all houses need effort and money spent just on the upkeep) and he never vetoes anything (is always glad I take charge)

It is tiresome to be fully responsible for house upkeep by myself, but otherwise DH would slowly let the house rot away.

I have also had to explain to DH that money spent, is not money gone as it increases (or at least maintains) the value of the house.

Right now we need to replace rotting conservatory (built by the previous owner ...out of softwood (wtf...so my bi-anual painting job made no difference))).

Every few years the window frames need paining. Gutters cleaning, woodwork (outside wall wood clad) treated every 5 years etc etc.

Not doing anything for 10 years means there must be an enormous backlog of stuff to do/replace.

Would it still be worthwhile to get started improving it bit by bit? Together? If that is out of the question, I would look into leaving ...

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dangermouseisace · 04/07/2017 12:05

I was in a similar situation although not as bad.

Our house was small, but needed loads done. The plaster falling off the walls, stink of mould etc. I couldn't have people around by my now STBXH couldn't see the problem.

Fortunately he moved out and I saved up/ borrowed some money to get work done so that it wasn't damp any more, and the plaster was sorted. It was like living in a different house and it was great to be able to have friends over, and be warm and all sorts of other normal stuff.

If there is no prospect of the work being done though, you really need to get out. Houses always sell. You might lose money on it (though I doubt it after 10 years), but it might be better for your sanity to live somewhere smaller or rent somewhere.

If your DH can't see that do you think you could move out without him?

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ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 04/07/2017 12:06

No normal person would expect another to live like this.

Ask him if he would buy it now in the state that it's in. No? Well then why should you live in it?

I couldn't live in a house that made me so unhappy. So we'd either sell up move, or I'd leave and it gets sold either way. Decision time.

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Allthewaves · 04/07/2017 12:08

A lady I know left her husband because she couldnt stand the house any more - very similar to yours. She discussed the house with him, he was never going to sell so she ended up leaving with the kids and going into a private rental. She is was so much happier day to day but devastated it had come to this.

After 3 months her husband actually put the house up for sale and moved in with her as he realised it wasn't worth their marriage. She just told me that she couldn't live in original house any more and she couldn't stay even if it meant divorce.

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runninggranny · 04/07/2017 12:09

I have a feeling your husband gets so cross with you because he knows he made a mistake buying the house in the first place and if he were to say to you lets move or top up the morgage and get it sorted would mean he has to admit to this.
A lot of men cannot admit to making mistakes. Sigh.

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lanouvelleheloise · 04/07/2017 12:14

Don't just assume the house is unsellable. The land that it's on will have value, and even the most dilapidated place can be ripped down and a new Grand Designs house put up! Find out what your options are - speak to an estate agent or a land agent on your own if need be - and work out where you sit financially.

Even if you are out of pocket, there may be other legal and financial measures you can take.

Please don't quit before you've even worked out what your options really are.

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MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 04/07/2017 12:14

Your husband is a selfish arse. I'd honestly move out, even if it was to a caravan. This must be taking a huge toll on your health and MH. Mould can be really bad for you. I love my house and love being in it. I can't even begin to imagine how unhappy I'd be having to live in a falling down house that I hated. Actually I can, we rented a god awful flat when DS was a baby. Nightmare landlord and so many problems with the flat that were covered up. I was in bits and ended up with bad PND. Then we moved to another 'nice' flat which had been done up. For a reason. To cover the godawful damp problem it had. I was in bits wondering what effect the mould was having on my baby and so unhappy. Didn't help my PND which just got worse. Please don't underestimate how negative an affect living somewhere you hate has on you.

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user1493035447 · 04/07/2017 12:16

Why can't you stat doing small thinks at a time? If there's dampness, find the route cause and fix it. It can't be more than guttering or poor ventilation in a bathroom. If it's something outside then a drain is leakin or something like that, and that should be fixed as a matter of priority (stick it on the mortgage to make it cheaper).

After that walls full of mould should be replaced, but it's not as expensive as you'd think. Ripping all the walls down in a room and putting plasterboard back up isn't a big deal. If you then get it skimmed you only need to paint, no worries about wallpaper.

Bathrooms and kitchen maybe need a bit more work, but can be done to look lovely on a budget. Look at IKEA for good kitchens. And if there's a smell of dogs, get rid of them. With children at least you can open the windows. If he windows are a problem, it is a hit, but again borrowing cheap and you could stick them onto the mortgage. It sounds like if it's that bad you wouldn't benefit from selling and moving anyway. Doing small things at a time will make a difference Smile

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simon50 · 04/07/2017 12:17

From a practical standpoint. Your going to get well under market value if your house is in such a state, add stamp duty and other fees and would have enough to fund the works on this house. Get the house valued to see where you stand.
I suggest you need to fix the guttering ASAP as this is causing the damp problems and will damage the whole fabric of the house. The weather is good at the moment so it should not take too long for it to dry out.

Once it's dried out, focus on one room at a time.
I know it looks like a huge task and the fact that its depressing you don't help.
Are you at all practical?
It costs very little to hire a wallpaper stripper (if in the past the wallpaper has been painted over then score it with a Stanley knife so the steam can get underneath).
You can then paint the bare plaster walls to keep the cost down.
Rip up the carpet, if you cant stand it. It sounds like an older house so you maybe able to sand the floor boards and varnish them, then add a rug. if you can use a lawn mower you can manage a floor sander, be aware it makes a lot of dust (bare floors won't pick up the smell of dog like a carpet).
There is so much 'how to' info on the net nowadays, wish it was there when I did my first house renovation.
Good luck.

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user1493035447 · 04/07/2017 12:20

When I first moved into my place I had to shower at work Blush

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