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AIBU?

To really hate my house.

135 replies

Fedupfeelingthisway · 04/07/2017 10:59

We moved into our house 10 years ago this month. It's my husband's "dream house" and I went along with it at the time because I felt it had potential. At the time although it needed a lot of work done to it, I felt it would be ok. I knew that I would struggle to keep it clean myself as it literally would be a full time job I. Itself.

Anyway fast forward 10 years and it's had nothing spent on it and it's a delapodated shit hole. I fucking detest it with every ounce of my soul. However it's still my husband's dream house and despite the fact it's falling down around our ears if I ever say anything derogatory about it he takes it very badly. We basically don't have the money to do it up let alone maintain it, but until some kind of miracle happens it's just going to get worse.

I'm fed up, I'm constantly miserable because the house is always filthy, dusty and stinks. i hate it and not a week goes by where I don't break down because I'm so unhappy living here. If my husband ever catches me he gets angry and accuses me of being ungreatful.

It smells of rot, dogs and kids. It leaks in almost every room. Large black mouldy patches on ceilings, rotting window frames and wall paper hang off. Ancient heating system, filthy carpets. It was last decorated in the 70s and whoever was here before us simply painted over the wall paper. There are cobwebs too high to reach, it's dingy ancient and we don't even have guttering anymore. I absolutely hate it and if we ever do have money it'll just disappear into fixing what has been left to rot. We can't even afford new furnisture or carpets.

I don't even invite my friends over any more and my kids never have theirs round either.

I'm in tears writing this. I just can't take much more, I hate it so much. But we are stuck with it.

OP posts:
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Notknownatthisaddress · 04/07/2017 12:59

TEN YEARS?

TEN FUCKING YEARS?

Sorry for shouting, but

TEN FUCKING YEARS?!!!!!!!!

I woulda hotfooted it out after 10 months in a shithole that I was unhappy in.

Your husband sounds like a dick OP.

Come on, you know this can't continue. I would say he has a month to get this shithole on the market, or you are leaving him. And taking the kids. (Seriously, the conditions you describe can NOT be good for their health!)

Seriously, 10 years? I have seen entire housing estates (100 homes or so,) built within a year in some towns. Maybe all generic, and only just above average quality, but still!

As some people have said, what has he been DOING for 10 years? Confused

Get rid of the house and let someone buy it who has the motivation and money to do it up. Even if it means taking a financial hit. I agree with the posters who have said someone will buy it. Some people are crazy about doing up properties that are utter shit-tips. And they don't even care if they only break even, as it's just a hobby for them. Have you not seen 'homes under the hammer?' Grin

Tell him you want to put it up for sale at an auction. Trust me, it will sell.

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provider5sectorzz9 · 04/07/2017 13:01

Even if you do have the cash renovating the place that you're living in can be very stressful, i can afford to pay people to decorate, install new bathroom kitchen etc but I put it off because in just hate having people working in my place, having to get up early etc

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Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2017 13:05

I took on a house like yours, did it up and sold it on. It was a small, mid terraced 3 bed. It had to be damproofed, rewired, replumbed, replacement windows, internal and external doors, new ceilings, flooring/floors, roof and plastering then new kitchen and bathroom.

Trust me, someone would be interested in your house.

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Shiraznowplease · 04/07/2017 13:11

I reckon try and sell it, if nothing else it will give your dh the impetus to sort out some of the easier/ cheaper fixes so even if it doesn't sell it will be a nicer environment to live in

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user1495451339 · 04/07/2017 13:12

Sounds really sad. I take it you can't afford to do it up at all then. You can do things relatively cheaply and gradually but it doesn't sound that after 10 years anything will change.

I would press to move to be honest. It will sell if you put it on for the right price and then you will be able to buy something in better condition even if it is a bit smaller.

We bought a house that needed work 7 years ago it is only just nearly done due to the cost and time as we did a lot too (my husband is also extremely motivated- he was the one that talked me into buying it). The house is relatively small though (3 bed) - sounds like yours is large. We still need to do external things like replace roof tiles, sort out drive and patio and fences. We bought it in the state it was in due to the position and price, though I think we would have saved in the long run buying a more expensive house!

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doubleshotespresso · 04/07/2017 13:18

OP so sorry you feel as you do, nobody should feel like this within their own home.

Let's be practical:

No one would want to buy it in its current sate. It's totally unsellable also with the market the way it is.

-What positives are there in sale terms?
-Is the location a selling point? E.g distance to train stations, town centres etc?
-Is it in a good or covetable school catchment area/close to any places of interest?

-If yes to any of the above, you could perhaps work towards putting it up for sale in its current condition as a "Project property" to somebody who does have the financial wherewithal?

  • Contact a couple of local developers and get them to provide you with potential purchase prices?


It is clear you and your children need to go.

Talk to your DH and explain it is time to downsize as a family of for you and the children to rent in the short-term for the sake of your marriage and sanity?
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PickingOakum · 04/07/2017 13:19

I think one thing that needs considering is whether you'd want to live in the house if it was completely renovated, Fedup.

Say you won the lottery next week, you'd be looking at a good six months to a year to get everything sorted. So that's another twelve months of living in chaos.

Then imagine the house is perfect. Imagine being there and living in it. Are you happy? Or could it be that there is now just too much baggage for you to ever feel happy and at home in the property? Locations where you've experienced incredible upset or stress can often leave a residue, I find, that never quite goes away.

I mention this because this happened to my aunt and uncle, who bought a very old farmhouse that was structurally sound but needed huge amounts of internal modernisation. Once the work was done, they found themselves in a home that didn't work for our modern ways of living and they didn't actually like living in it. There was always a very strange air about the place, and their daughter hated it. So after all that, they rented it out and moved somewhere very modern with a space that worked for their lives.

Like a pp said, I think you might need to tackle the presence of a sunk cost fallacy about the property. It's not just about money and time, but the psychological and emotional cost you have incurred over the last ten years.

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mogonfoxnight · 04/07/2017 13:19

Is it in quite a desirable area, good schools/ close to transport/nice things around you etc?

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Oldraver · 04/07/2017 13:22

You've got no gutters ? That's a fucking basic requirment of a house in theis country. It will exacerbate any mould you have.

Surely after 10 years there must be some way of getting some money to do the basics ?

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EpoxyResin · 04/07/2017 13:22

Your husband is going to love that house into the ground, and it's going to take your marriage with it as it crumbles around you.

He needs to wake up to the fact that he - that you both - are not the owners who can make that house what he wants it to be. And he needs to realise that marriages too fall to ruins over time when you neglect them and fail to maintain them with the investment and effort they require.

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QuiteLikely5 · 04/07/2017 13:23

Why on earth would you put your children through the Shame and embarrassment of living somewhere that is quite frankly stinking and a health hazard?

Your husband is dysfunctional and it's time you called his bluff and moved out.

Go to your local housing office and tell them that you and your DC are homeless

The man does not care about your or the children's needs in terms of living standards - it is at least up to you to take some form of control

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Oliversmumsarmy · 04/07/2017 13:25

I know a bit about doing up properties and whilst taking on a small wreck is doable if you are not living there and have thousands available to get on with the renovation straight away, a big wreck is a definite no no unless it is your dream home, you have access to hundreds of thousands of pounds, a lot of time and somewhere else to live.

Someone will always want properties like this. It is just finding the right buyer

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krustykittens · 04/07/2017 13:26

Sell or leave, OP, it's not worth it. About 10 years ago we bought MY dream house, a grade II listed property that had been allowed to go to rack and ruin. We poured money into it and worked and spent money on it every year for the eight years we lived in it. It was a beautiful place and we really enjoyed living there, more for the location that the actual house. For lifestyle reasons, we sold up and bought a new build in the country and I am really glad we did. MUCH easier to clean and maintain, no hidden horrors, cheap to run, warm in the winter and we have cash to spend on having fun with the kids. I cried the day we Ieft that house but now I would never go back. Life is a lot easier and that house would have been more and more of a mill stone around our necks as we got older. It just took me a while to see it. Period properties cost a lot to do up and an awful lot to maintain and we didn't realise how much when we bought it. Give him an ultimatum, he might be relieved. It can hardly be HIS dream house either, from the sounds of it.

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mogonfoxnight · 04/07/2017 13:33

I asked if it is in a desirable area because if it is and it is big enough to split, that may be how to get the means to do up your part. Is that feasible?

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lucysnowe · 04/07/2017 13:34

Hugs OP that sounds awful and you sound so fed up. I want to echo other posts but also ask - can you please get a carbon monoxide detector asap? I'd be very worried about the ancient heating system and at least if you knew it wasn't immediately dangerous that would be load off. Take care xx

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user1493035447 · 04/07/2017 13:41

I think you need to ignore a lot of the crap on here, that pushes it on to DH. He's being a man and thinking of it as his dream. but thinking of it all at once, rather than taking it a bit at a time.

Take some responsibility and and start taking the plasterboard off, back to the studs, it's not expensive to put it back!!! Get the gutters fixed and it'll be bliss. Even if it takes 3 years to do. You can rewire (yourself if you are half competent) at the same time. It's not expensive!

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EmeraldIsle100 · 04/07/2017 13:47

Why not just get some quotes from a local agent? You and your kids can't live like this. You will probably take a loss but honestly living in a small 2 bed rented flat would be preferable.

I was raised in a house that overwhelmed my mum and I took the shame and embarrassment right through to adulthood.

I still feel the impact if someone calls unexpectedly even though my house is ok.

See outside advice about your options and don't let your husband wreck your happiness and that of your children.

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VeryButchyRestingFace · 04/07/2017 13:50

He's being a man and thinking of it as his dream

Eh? So OP and her kids are living in unsanitary squalor because her husband is "being a man"?

You don't think much of men, do you?

I wouldn't recommend trying to rewire such a dump unless you really know what you're doing.

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eagleHasLanded · 04/07/2017 13:50

I was so gald to get away from our first house.

Constantly finding new horrors - having things done to find they needed re-doing - it ate all our money and so much time.

DH got very good at procrastinating - I assume as it felt so overwelming - but he'd want more and more quotes till I flipped and we had major rows. Never enough money and we never really got to do the fun bits.

Throw in an nasty neigbour - and we both went off the place . I got stuck there with kids while DH worked away trying to get place ready to sell. Then it took forever to sell.

My parents had told us to get one room finsihed - but DH wouldn't we ended up bitting and bobbing and felt could never relax. Sold it finally for 14 grand less than paid for it but had had enough by then.

Next house needed as little as possible need doing. Windows will need replacing - seals are going at quite a rate but have thick curtains up as I know he'll put it off as long as possible - everything esle is done. It's a hugh relief.


Make a list of what needs to be done.
Get quotes for work
Talk to estate agents
Have a plan to move forward.

try and fgigure out what your DH still see in the place - after 10 years surely potentail must be waning a bit.

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eatabagofdicks · 04/07/2017 13:51

I would leave. Black mould is not ok to be living in. You are risking yours and your children's health.

@StaplesCorner I would also leave if I were you. I cannot imagine putting up with this. The fact your children are embarrassed says it all. They will appreciate you leaving and providing them with a safe environment.

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PickingOakum · 04/07/2017 13:57

Krusty Period properties cost a lot to do up and an awful lot to maintain and we didn't realise how much when we bought it.

Yep. A few people I know who successfully live in big period properties have offset the cost of running the home by installing small wind turbines (which is another planning and expense issue in itself) so that the electricity they generate covers the cost of heating.

User Take some responsibility and and start taking the plasterboard off, back to the studs, it's not expensive to put it back!!! Get the gutters fixed and it'll be bliss.

Before the op does this, she has to ensure the roof and walls are sound and water tight. She says she has leaks in every room, coupled with black mould, which suggests there could be a problem with the roof or that the lack of guttering has meant water has seeped into the walls.

That needs sorting before she does anything else. So you are looking at an investigation to determine the problem, scaffolding to possibly repair the roof and install the guttering, on top of any treatment for the mould. In my area (rural North), it would be a £1.5k for the survey alone. The scaffolding would be another £600+ depending on the size of the house and time it needs to be up, and nothing's been actually fixed yet.

And I don't think you can rewire yourself anymore unless you have the appropriate qualifications and documentation. Some EU legislation was passed a few years ago that means it is now illegal to even install your own light fittings if you are not a professional electrician.

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Bluntness100 · 04/07/2017 14:00

Cmon on op. It doesn't take money to do a lot to improve your environment, it doesn't need to be filthy, right? Hire a carpet cleaner and clean the carpets, will cost you about 30 quid. A few tins of paint, an extendable roller, some wallpaper paste to stick down the paper that's ripped, you can do that, even if you have to save a little each week. It doesn't cost much, more it's time.

So you can either keep living like this and it gets worse and worse, or you say fuck it, roll your sleeves up and make the best of it, and in the first place, cleaning it will make you all feel a huge amount better.

Give it a good clean, make it smell nice and not of dogs and kids, then think of a couple of rooms you wish to improve and look at giving them a lick of paint. Honestly, yes the major problems will remain, but fixing what you can now, will help your mental state hugely.

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Tumblethumps · 04/07/2017 14:02

user, with all due respect, you don't know it won't be expensive. I have a friend who spent 8yrs in a similar situation. The house was stunning and listed. Like the OP, all the windows were rotting and the quote just to replace the windows was close to 30k! To make the house habitable and decent was a 200k job and my friend's husband finally realised that whilst they'd been able to stretch to an amazingly beautiful dream home, they in no way could not would ever be able to stretch to the work it needed nor the ongoing maintainance required.

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HeyRoly · 04/07/2017 14:06

StaplesCorner - I'm sorry my post rang alarm bells with you. It is abusive I'm afraid. Not caring about your wife's happiness. Forcing her to live in filth and squalor. Making her feel too scared to challenge the status quo... I could go on.

FIL and MIL lived without a washing machine for two years simply because he refused to buy a new one. Two years of hand washing clothes and trips to the launderette... Hmm

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SeagullsStoleMyChurro · 04/07/2017 14:09

What's the point of "a lick of paint" if more black mould is going to grow on it?
Complete waste of time and money.

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