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AIBU?

To really hate my house.

135 replies

Fedupfeelingthisway · 04/07/2017 10:59

We moved into our house 10 years ago this month. It's my husband's "dream house" and I went along with it at the time because I felt it had potential. At the time although it needed a lot of work done to it, I felt it would be ok. I knew that I would struggle to keep it clean myself as it literally would be a full time job I. Itself.

Anyway fast forward 10 years and it's had nothing spent on it and it's a delapodated shit hole. I fucking detest it with every ounce of my soul. However it's still my husband's dream house and despite the fact it's falling down around our ears if I ever say anything derogatory about it he takes it very badly. We basically don't have the money to do it up let alone maintain it, but until some kind of miracle happens it's just going to get worse.

I'm fed up, I'm constantly miserable because the house is always filthy, dusty and stinks. i hate it and not a week goes by where I don't break down because I'm so unhappy living here. If my husband ever catches me he gets angry and accuses me of being ungreatful.

It smells of rot, dogs and kids. It leaks in almost every room. Large black mouldy patches on ceilings, rotting window frames and wall paper hang off. Ancient heating system, filthy carpets. It was last decorated in the 70s and whoever was here before us simply painted over the wall paper. There are cobwebs too high to reach, it's dingy ancient and we don't even have guttering anymore. I absolutely hate it and if we ever do have money it'll just disappear into fixing what has been left to rot. We can't even afford new furnisture or carpets.

I don't even invite my friends over any more and my kids never have theirs round either.

I'm in tears writing this. I just can't take much more, I hate it so much. But we are stuck with it.

OP posts:
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Oliversmumsarmy · 04/07/2017 14:12

You can rewire (yourself if you are half competent) at the same time

No you can't you need a properly qualified electrician to do the work and sign off on it.

Do not touch the electrics

Do not pull plasterboard off it could be the only thing holding the roof up. Current house (1950s bungalow) had this. Everything had to be accro propped before they began just in case. Which turned out to be a good call

If the house is grade 2 listed you cant touch anything till you have had the ok from the council.

Just to give you some idea about costs to all those people saying to just do this and that. I had a section of a wall which randomly stuck 2ft 6" into our narrow hall way. We knew it was part of a supporting wall. But before the builder could do anything I had to have a structural engineer confirm what we knew and building regs. Cost before builder had started removing the section of wall £450. With a listed building it would have been more.

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PickingOakum · 04/07/2017 14:16

Bluntness Hire a carpet cleaner and clean the carpets, will cost you about 30 quid.

If she has leaks in almost every room and the house smells of rot, then I suspect the underlay has rotted over the last ten years. A carpet cleaner won't shift that; in fact, it will probably make it worse (I speak from experience Sad).

A better bet would be to rip the carpets up and tip them. It would be far healthier to have stone floors or wooden floorboards than rotting underlay under carpet, plus it would also give the op an idea of how bad the floorboards are underneath.

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Autofillcontact · 04/07/2017 14:23

Oh OP. Now I have started thinking about it I know so many people who have been in similar situations- I think it's pure selfishness from your DH, but he is probably lost too with no idea how to admit that he can't cope with the house. Probably thinks he will never have another opportunity to have it etc


There is no doubt in my mind this will be seriously affecting your mental and maybe physical health. A house isn't worth it. Please either borrow money for the work (and sell) or sell if you can afford to take the hit of dropping the price down.

Either way, give yourself a deadline. 2017 is the last year you will spend in this hell

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TheNoodlesIncident · 04/07/2017 14:27

Black mould is extremely hazardous to human health. I wouldn't make a child live in that kind of environment for a day longer than I had to.

Is there anywhere you could go with the children? Your DH needs to see you're serious about leaving the house from hell.

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ChasedByBees · 04/07/2017 14:30

How can you be selfish when you've lived unhappily in his dream for 10 years?

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HipsterHunter · 04/07/2017 14:32

No one would want to buy it in its current sate. It's totally unsellable also with the market the way it is.

Everything sells, at the right price.

After 10 years of paying down the mortgage you must have a decent chunk of equity in there.

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Autofillcontact · 04/07/2017 14:33

I think the people recommending a lick of paint or a carpet cleaner are being really naive.


And you can rewrite your own house. No one is going to stop you.

But who the hell would be able to do it? I assisted my BIl in a partial rewire of my house. It's not easy AT ALL

It also required floorboard, skirting board, loft insulation and plaster board etc to be removed. Which means it all needs putting back. Which OP can't do, since it's all falling apart.

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Autofillcontact · 04/07/2017 14:34

Tbf hipster when I lived in a similar house the mortgage was so big we wouldn't afford to sell it.

People think you only ever make money on houses but once they start deteriorating and you can't maintain them they lose value quickly.

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Bluntness100 · 04/07/2017 14:39

There is so many " you can't do that " or you can't do this on here. How about some positivity to help her, other than just leave? She may not be willing to do that.

She says her house is filthy and dusty, then clean it. It's a start, yes she might have rotting carpets, but she might not, it depends on the severity of the leak and she doesn't have to live with bare floorboards or filthy carpets. Unless the floorboards are going to be sanded and varnished just ripping the carpets up isn't going to help. It might smell of rot, but it also doesn't need to smell of kids and dog too.

Cleaning the house top to bottom, putting some cheap plastic clear runner over where it leaks, getting some mound treatment from b&q and doing what she can to hold it at bay, investigating the price of guttering, all these things help her move forward. Sticking plasters maybe, but at least they make some small improvements in her living environment in the meantime,

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The80sweregreat · 04/07/2017 14:40

Auto, what did you do out of interest?
I feel for this op, but until her husband realises really how she feels then it sounds like he will let things carry on for another decade.
I hope she can find a way through.

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Autofillcontact · 04/07/2017 14:46

We were lucky to be in a high value area- we were able to wait it out until there was a shortage of houses for sale and sold at about 10% below market price which we could just afford (walked away with the deposit we'd put down 15 years previously but nothing more)

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The80sweregreat · 04/07/2017 14:50

We've lost money on houses. Its not fun, but we've never had the luck others seem to get!
This current house needs work but not on this scale.
Its always easy money as people think.

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Autofillcontact · 04/07/2017 15:02

I think the people recommending a lick of paint or a carpet cleaner are being really naive.

And you can rewire your own house. No one is going to stop you.

But who the hell would be able to do it? I assisted my BIl in a partial rewire of my house. It's not easy AT ALL

It also required floorboard, skirting board, loft insulation and plaster board etc to be removed. Which means it all needs putting back. Which OP can't do, since it's all falling apart.

Reported for errors!

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Ontheboardwalk · 04/07/2017 15:16

As others have said you should try and find some money for the guttering as soon as possible or the damp and rotting windows are going to get worse - trust me.

Hopefully the new guttering will stop the leaks and you can then look at tackling some other jobs one at a time. Concentrate on one job or one area at a time to make it seem less overwhelming.

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Artisanjam · 04/07/2017 15:24

You can rewire your own house. You need building control or a professional electrician to certify it at the end, but it is fucking miserable to do it. Duh and I renovated a 3 bed flat doing the works ourselves inc wiring and plumbing before kids. It took 3 months to do the wiring and it was every evening, every weekend etc. I put on 2 stone because it was so bloody horrible I comfort ate.

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Autofillcontact · 04/07/2017 15:25

God it is miserable isn't it artisan

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Oliversmumsarmy · 04/07/2017 16:05

Question to ask your dh.

If this house is meant to be your dream him why is it in such a state
Why aren't you looking after it?

If money is the issue then maybe he cant afford his dream.

Life is for living and not wasting being unhappy living in a s**thole when you can do something about it

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WanderingTrolley1 · 04/07/2017 16:22

Your husband has no desire to improve your living conditions or he would have by now.

I would seriously think about exiting the marriage - he obviously doesn't care too much.

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crashandburnt · 04/07/2017 16:23

Feel for you op. Our house has been a shit hole for ages. Coming out of it now but riddled with debt. I don't agree you can do the whole thing but there is lots you can do. I made my husband become handy round the house. These days the skirting he put on is neater than the chippy we were paying £200 a day too. I've done loads in our house too, sanding down window frames, floors, taking up carpets, painting. If you haven't got any money you have no choice but to do as much as you can yourself. A lot of renovation work isn't hard it's just a ball ache.

How tidy is your house? If you have loads of clutter it will feel worse. Can you get a new boiler fitted on one of the schemes?

You need to try and get some of the vital work done even if you have to saddle yourself with more debt as I suspect you have very little option to remain how you are.

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BMW6 · 04/07/2017 16:31

If I were you I'd get rid of all the carpets for starters - easier to sweep a wood or lino floor than try to clean manky old carpet.
Then I'd get rid of DH.........

Seriously he needs to get his head out of his arse and start renovating or marketing to sell. You own half this house - he doesn't get to dictate what happens with it.

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LavenderDoll · 04/07/2017 16:49

Take the kids and go rent somewhere .

Leave him to fester in it

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sall74 · 04/07/2017 20:00

OP I'm not sure what you mean when you say the house won't sell with the state of the current market?

The facts are prices are at an all time high and stock levels are at record lows, any property that is priced accurately to reflect it's condition WILL sell and will sell quite quickly, the only houses that aren't selling are the ones that have greedy deluded vendors with unrealistic asking prices.

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deblet · 04/07/2017 20:06

I am in a similar position OP. Big house, constantly repairing it and mouldy. I feel like I am in that film The Money Pit with Tom Hanks. Two years ago I stopped putting my money into the joint account and I started saving. In three years time when my daughter finishes school I am moving out and renting with or without my husband. I am still depressed, I don't have friends round either but as I have a plan I now can cope. You need to have a plan to go it will help I promise. My husband knows and says he will finish it and we can either sell or stay but I have been clear I am not living here any longer than my daughters schooling days.

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Bluntness100 · 04/07/2017 20:08

I think the people recommending a lick of paint or a carpet cleaner are being really naive

No one is saying that will solve the problem. What's being said is living in s filthy and dusty house isn't ok or necessary, if she has no money, and can't or won't move, then at least cleaning it then at least cleaning it or what ever is a first step.

Just conintuing to live in a filthy house and crying isn't going to help her. She needs to do what she can in her power to improve it. And it sounds like a deep clean is the required first step. It shouldn't smell of dogs and kids and be filthy and dusty. There is no need.

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Flugelpip · 04/07/2017 20:23

We've just sold our house because we couldn't afford to do the work on it that it needed. It's got loads going for it in terms of location and size, but all I could see was the stuff I'd wanted to fix for years but could never afford to sort out. Someone else will look at your house and be amazed by the high ceilings, not the inaccessible cobwebs. I felt completely different about my house when I was tidying it up to sell it - absolutely energised and relieved to be doing something positive instead of being stuck in a depressing cycle of seeing problems but not being able to deal with them.

Make a list of all the reasons it's your husband's dream home. Those are the selling points. Make a list of all the things you could tackle, like stripping wallpaper/taking out carpets, and do as much as you can. Get an agent around to look at it and give you a ballpark figure for an asking price, plus advice on what needs to be done before it can be sold (gutters, I'd suggest, even if it's expensive, as they'll be flagged up on any survey and you'll lose that money anyway). Then go and find a property or two that you could afford to buy on that basis, that don't come with these problems, and make your DH come and view them with you. If he sees alternatives, he might realise at last that his dream is too expensive for you and that your lives could be better with a different home even if it's smaller, modern, characterless etc... It's hard to admit you can't deal with something but it's not a failure. Ask him to consider other options WITH you and try to make it into a joint project rather than something to argue about. Of course he SHOULD want what you want, but at the moment he doesn't, or won't admit he does. That doesn't mean he'll never agree with you.

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