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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you don't talk names with people before the baby is born??

143 replies

PoppyPopcorn · 02/07/2017 16:51

SO many threads on here and other forums about people inlaws, parents or friends criticising names people have chosen for their baby - because they are openly discussing these names before the baby is born.

Why do people even HAVE these discussion? Common sense to keep the discussions between you and your other half, surely? Of course MIL is going to chip in that your chosen name is ridiculous, and say you should be calling him/her after some distant relative. Or someone in the family will have known someone else with that name and they were awful.

Just keep your gob shut until baby here, announce the name, nobody with an ounce of common sense would say anything. Job done.

OP posts:
Northend77 · 03/07/2017 14:39

We picked names by about 6 months pregnant and announced to all our friends that we were expecting girls and exactly what their names would be (middle names included) but then we are not the type of people to be dissuaded or upset if someone doesn't like our choices! And because people know that (or we are just lucky) no-one questioned our choices!

OrangeJulius · 03/07/2017 14:40

We tell our names early, and for us this is safe because:

  1. We are not having a discussion, we are telling them the name. It's already final.
  2. We have chosen unusual names, of which no one will have preconceived notions
  3. Our families are largely too polite too say if they don't like them
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 03/07/2017 14:44

I agree don't tell people names unless you're happy to hear an opinion - we've chosen a really normal innocuous name that's on both sides of our families (Joseph) for our imminent DS, but have still had one person say that it's really old fashioned and couldn't we use it for a middle name instead? Shock Grin

ollieplimsoles · 03/07/2017 14:51

bertrand

Damn it I wish your family was my family! I would love it to just have an innocent conversation with inlaws and parents in which no one has any ulterior motives, or selfish suggestions, nobody storms off, cries, pouts..everyone just enjoying the anticipation of waiting for a.new family member...

Sadly (as a quick advanced search will tell you) some of us do have batshit family members who actually enjoy spoiling things for us. My mil was hell bent on it, if things were not going her way, then they are not happening anybody's way... Grandchildren included.

To this day she still uses a shortening of dd's name that no one else knows her by, and she doesn't even answer to it..

We did not know the sex of our baby beforehand but we had our names picked out, we didn't share them with anybody, it was a special time for us and after our wedding we were sick of people ruining things with selfish attitudes. Dh was in agreement.

superfluffyanimal · 03/07/2017 15:02

People stop asking then? when I was pregnant it came up so much in conversation that I had decoy names to shut people up, they were totally outrageous names but still it stopped the conversation.

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 03/07/2017 15:08

Surely it's up to the parents to be if they want to discuss it with people?

With DS I was still at school and no father involved (i was raped) my friends and even my teachers discussed names with me. My RE teacher kept suggesting I should name DS after him, so i asked him his first name and he said No, I actually mean call him Mr Smith Grin (It wasn't Smith but you get the idea) it was a really rough time for me and actually it helped me feel a bit more supported and less judged.

Then with DD I was working in a pub, as was DH and the regulars compiled us a whole list of suggestions, it was cute, like one very large dysfunctional family. We went with one of their suggestions in the end because it was the only name we actually both liked.

buncakes · 03/07/2017 15:35

You know what's annoying, when they ask what name you've chosen and you tell them, then they keep suggesting names to you Hmm the name is chosen, fuck off!

Lnfb85 · 03/07/2017 16:10

YANBU

We kept quiet on names for our first. 4.5 years later we still haven't told people what the potential was for a girl. I'm currently 14 weeks so we may or may not use the girls name. But I'm not saying anything until after he or she is born.

Jedimum1 · 04/07/2017 17:45

DH and I decided the names before the first pregnancy! For the second we had the one we didn't use on the first, and another one we had also liked the first time. We probably decided in a few days.
We communicated them as matter of fact to everybody else when the topic was brought up, no official announcement, no debate. The people who tried to make a discussion out of it got a "those are the names WE want" and that was it. We love the names and had reasons to choose every single one of them, we didn't follow family traditions or gave names already in the family; yet they are quite traditional.

lozzylizzy · 04/07/2017 17:49

I called my first Delroy in utereo. That was his foetus name

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 04/07/2017 17:52

I agree. Most people are just making polite conversation, but it's all too easy to become an emotive topic.

I learned that the first time.

This time around I just say, "no, not a clue...any ideas?" And sometimes they give really interesting ones. Other times it's pretty clear that we'd have different tastes.

BasketOfDeplorables · 04/07/2017 18:18

I think it depends on you, and they people you're telling. Most of the time people are just interested and excited. All they're going to say is 'lovely'. People often told us names they liked, too, and most of the time they didn't have the same taste, so their preferences wouldn't really bother me.

We had names we were considering, but had decided not to settle on one until after the birth as I wanted to meet the baby first. A couple of names we mentioned to people we did discount because of their reactions, but this was welcome as it was stuff like a celebrity has recently called their child that so it may be going through a fad, or they know x number of babies called that so it may be very popular, which we didn't want. Other people would say 'of those I like x best', which may have meant they hated it least but they were nice about it.

What wasn't welcome was PIL actively disliking everything we were considering, and trying to change our minds to something similar to what SIL had chosen. Luckily we could laugh about it so it wouldn't have swayed us, but if you would feel deflated about your choice if you get anything less than an enthusiastic response then keeping it private is best.

eulmh · 04/07/2017 18:29

I picked my names and told everybody. I don't get it with the whole secrecy thing at all it really bugs me. Ooh we've picked a name but not telling people! I didn't care if people were rude enough to comment which they weren't anyway

BasketOfDeplorables · 04/07/2017 18:37

Apparently some people find out the sex but keep it to themselves so others get a surprise. I always think that's very odd, as surely people are just being politely interested. Each to their own, though, I wouldn't be invested enough in their choice for it to annoy me.

Marymoosmum14 · 04/07/2017 18:37

I am 7 months pregnant and we had names picked out from the start. As soon as we found out what we were having we started telling people, I thought my mum would hate it, but she actually likes it. My dad is a different matter, but we like it and he will have to get used to it.

MrsCharlieD · 04/07/2017 18:38

We've told people both times what our names are. This time round our choice is a braver choice and we've had called few raises eyebrows but I really don't care. It just doesn't bother me. I'm sure people aren't really that interested in what I plan on calling my unborn child. My dm needed time to get used to our latest name for I'm glad we primed her first.

ladyinka · 04/07/2017 18:41

We had this with the first one. Told everyone that we agreed the name Egbert as a working title. Whatever real name follows after he was born was then an improvement and people happy with did not stick within the working title. That shit them up (though we did get used to it during those 9 months so much so it kind of stuck as a nickname in the end, busted!)

AwayWith88Faires · 04/07/2017 18:53

We are expecting baby number 4.(baby number 3 for my partner). I have no idea on sex he does. (I want a surprise) we have names choose everyone knows our chosen names and if they don't like it then it's tough we will not be choosing diffrent names just because someone doesn't like the name weather it be close family or friends. I don't know why people even have to voice their opinion on what people are calling their children.

fluffiny31 · 04/07/2017 18:57

I didn't tell anyone my daughters name until she was born. Everyone pestered me for it. But I also think that sometimes when baby is born you may change your mind. So i kept my gob shut. ☺️

J4N1yR43 · 04/07/2017 18:59

I'm due in 16 days. I chose a name for my little when I was 22 weeks. As a joke I said I was naming my daughter a ridiculous name, 4 first names on total, people actually believe me including my own mother some have made comments so I've decided I'm not revealing her name until I register her birth.

Nokia3310 · 04/07/2017 18:59

We kept all our potential names very close to our chest...and yet still My in-laws sat us down and told us ALL the names they didn't like. This includes some of the ones on our list. 😳😳😳

Imabadmummy · 04/07/2017 19:27

We had a list of girls and boys names that close friends/family might have been told but we didn't decide on a name until the baby was born.
I think me and DH kinda knew which we both wanted but we didnt tell anyone else.

Same with 2nd.
I knew it was a boy and we had 3 names but it wasn't until he was born I turned round to DH ad said I think he should be called X. And so he was :-)

Lovingit81 · 04/07/2017 19:40

Blimey greebols what an awful time for you FlowersI agree it's up to the parents and sometimes it helps people on specific situations. X

jessebuni · 04/07/2017 20:13

With DC1 we had a name picked out but when he was born and we saw him it didn't seem to suit him. He ended up nameless for two days. With DC2 we asked anyone and everyone for their ideas and I just jotted down any I liked the sound of and didn't tell anyone which ones these were. Hubby and I discussed a few maybe but after the DC1 fiasco we didn't see the point of picking one until she was here. When she was here I read the list and said the one I thought suited her. My husband said that was his favourite too. My mother (the midwife didn't arrive for my home birth in time so my mum played catch 😂) also said that was her favourite, not that we'd have changed our minds if it wasn't.

Catscatsandmorecats · 04/07/2017 20:36

We don't - mainly because DH was quite rude about a friend's name suggestion for their DS who then didn't get named for 6 weeks. The name really really suits him now.

But also for another reason, we've had multiple miscarriages and it has made us a little superstitious, neither of us want the baby to have a name until it is born. We haven't found out the sex for this reason too, yes, it is very much a real thing but we cannot make it a person just yet. We have a short long list for both sexes and will decide when it is safely in our arms. We did the same with DS1 and no regrets there. Funnily enough, I have talked about a couple of names on our list with friends who I know won't judge and have finished having kids and that has been enjoyable but to tell all and sundry, or even contemplating narrowing down just wouldn't work for us.

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