To think that just because we have a good income we shouldn't give our children whatever they want?

[YesMadamDeputySpeaker]

My DH and I both grew up in low-income families. Thanks to the power of a good education, we both made it to university and now have a very comfortable lifestyle without needing to worry about money. We're able to take the DC on regular holidays, have a nice home, cars, etc.

Even before we actually had children, we had always pledged to give our children the sort of childhood we didn't get to have - such as taking them abroad on holiday, and making sure they have lots of nice things.

However, I've since come to realise that there is a difference between 'not having to worry about money' and 'getting everything you want because we can afford it'. As I said we had very little money when I was growing up, yet I still had a happy and extremely love-filled childhood. I've grown up appreciating hard work and the importance of school, and not taking things for granted.

DH, on the other hand, is very much of the 'you can have whatever you want' mentality. Our eldest daughter (13) wants to go on a (non-educational) school trip next year which would cost in the region of £650. DH wants he and I to pay the whole thing ourselves, thus giving her a luxury our parents couldn't. I feel like it didn't do me any harm to have to save up for things I wanted as a child - in fact, it probably made me appreciate them more - and so I suggested we pay half provided she pays the other half using savings. DH disagreed heavily.

Our younger DC don't tend to ask for much, but DD and her brother (10) constantly ask for new gadgets/clothes/toys etc. I feel terrible because we have a disposable income meaning they could have most of the things they want, and I would have loved that as a child; yet I don't want them to grow up feeling entitled and like mum and dad will always pay for everything for them.

I also work in a very rough secondary school in an area with high rates of poverty and inequality. This is perhaps another reason why I am reluctant to let my children have everything they want, when I work with young people every day who cannot afford to have food or clothes bought for them.

Finally, I feel like a total hypocrite as every time I say any of this DH points out the fact that I spend quite a lot of money on items for myself as well. I feel like such a terrible person. I just want my DC to grow up appreciating the value of money and hard work but I don't want them to not have things they want just because I didn't - I'm bracing myself for suggestions that I'm projecting my childhood feelings onto them.

Am I being unreasonable or do I have a point here? Any thoughts gratefully appreciated

We were reasonably high income (retired now) but were careful not just to give our DSs anything they might wish for - I'm with you OP!
From about age 12, we gave them an allowance each month. We paid for school uniform items, school trips, etc. However, when it came to something like football boots, I'd say I was prepared to pay the price of a decent generic pair - not the expensive currently fashionable pair. If they wanted to "upgrade" to the fashionable branded pair, they paid the extra.
We discussed expenditure with them and also understanding the difference between want and need.
The boys often had less toys/presents than their friends.
They are adult now, work very hard and appreciate the value of money.

That's the same with us Blanketdog. We don't have a cinema, shops are pretty basic, and most if not all socialising is at friends' houses (either near enough to walk or she will get a lift from myself or DH, so no need for bus fare), at our house with friends, or at the local playpark which again is within walking distance.

Her phone contract is paid for and if she goes over the allowance that's it for the month. School stuff, basic essentials and clothes are bought by us. So really there's no need for her to be getting more than a fiver as she just doesn't need it.

Reading this thread I feel like I'm on another planet. My DS is also 13 and gets less (far less) than £5 a week pocket money. But then his peer group haven't got to the going bowling/swimming/to the cinema stage yet, so literally all he does is spent it on computer game things or sweets.

I think some people must live in incredibly affluent areas and have lost sight of "normal" - which I guess is what the OP is trying to convey to her DC.

I think saving and delayed gratification is something that should be taught otherwise life is difficult.
I have made a lot of mistakes with mine over this. I don't buy many toys ever but we go out on days trips and eat out all the time.
It is completely abnormal and not a good example for her later on. So I am deliberately curbing this so she understands what real life is so she isn't disappointed later!

I agree and disagree. We are comfortable, our dc do not have whatever they want. Both ds and dd are going on school trips next year, dd is going skiing in America then to New York and ds is going to Barcelona with the school football team. These are both amazing one off opportunities that they will remember forever. They are not spoilt children but I feel these trips will never come around again why deprive them if I can afford it?

Thanks Forall and StandardPoodle!

Me too RedSky - and we that's coming from someone who would classify themselves as affluent. I will never forget what it is like to grow up poor, and that's why even today I am frugal with money. I don't want to lose sight of normal and I want my children to understand that. It's one of the most important life lessons there is.

Would pay for the school trip. The gadgets she should save for or only get as Christmas or birthday gifts.

YANBU we are in exact same situation. Ours are only young (2 and 4) but already I'm very conscious of not spoiling them as we both came from working class backgrounds and have worked hard for what we have got. I've meant a quite a few older children (uni age) who have been so spoilt have zero drive as they have never had to really work for anything.

We get big stuff. Got a big climbing frame swing thing which cost £3000 but never buy stuff the boys see in shops (toys etc) presents are only birthdays and Christmas and most clothes are from supermarkets. We do spend lot on family holidays. Going forward when they are older they will get pocket money / allowance for doing chores.

Delayed gratification - that sums it up! They have to work for what they want. Dcs want an education, the want a good job, that requires effort and delayed gratification. We don't reward for school results - ever! We mark the end of a year with a trip to the dcs favourite restaurant, but it's never dependent of school results - which are enjoyed by the dcs for their own merit.
To teach the value of money - our car was in for service, dcs were told they had to walk to their activity but could get a taxi home....at the end of the activity they were sure they wanted a taxi home so I gave them the £5 and asked them whether they wanted to spend their £5 on a taxi home or split it between them and walk - we walked home, that's the value of money, what really makes a difference when you think about it...while I was paying that £5 was nothing but once it was their money, walking seemed a better option.

Read something that was suppose to be from Paul McCartney about kids 'just because you can, doesn't mean that you should.' It makes sense.

YesMadamDeputySpeaker But growing up poor had a feeling of inadequacy about it, of instability, of tension whenever money was mentioned, of tempers flared when requests for simple things like dinner money was made, of stress, of blame for the person who was asking....I don't want my kids to feel like that...ever!

Paul McCartney sent his kids to comprehensive school - mind you Stella sends her kids to private - what does that tell you?

I haven't got to this stage with DD yet but while I don't want her to be spoilt I do want her to not feel a burden on us. My parents were decently off when I was a child but alway made me feel like a burden, always complained about how much stuff cost for me, complained that I ate to much, grew to fast and even used to many sanitary towels! As a child often wished I didn't exist as I thought that would make my parents happier as they would have more money without me. Don't do that to your children

Not being awkward, but what does that tell you?

Delayed gratification! Bingo. That's what I'm getting at.

I definitely agree with you that I don't want to make my children feel that same inadequacy because of their income, or worry about money at all. But I also don't want them to grow up feeling entitled and have no sense of responsibility when it comes to money.

So, for as long as they are alive I will provide for them. I will always buy essentials (school, food, clothes, basic essentials) - unless they are living at home with full-time jobs, but that's a different story. But what I won't do is buy them every little (or big) thing that they want, just because we can afford it - as the Paul MacCartney quote says.

I don't think the public/private school thing can necessarily be equated to this. I know the question of private school isn't the issue here but I would never ever send my DC to one - it goes against all my principles.

Splodgeinc that's horrible, I'm so sorry you felt like that.

I would never make my children feel that way - like a burden, as you put it. It's all about finding the balance, as pp have said.

I grew up in a dirt poor family, and am still poor really, but having no money had a different effect for me: it basically made me unable to budget and unwilling to save, because I never had to and never understood it, I still don't really deep down.

I've never been quite broke of course but I live pretty much payday to payday, and still splurge stupidly and hoard sometimes (like buying 100s of cans of soup so we always have stuff in - which sounds organised perhaps, but then stuff goes off).

So if I were you I'd start giving them more but teach them to save. For the trip, but other stuff too. Teach them to budget for everything including clothes. Teach them to save for university. Don't let their first payslip be when they finally go wild with spending power IYSWIM?

You have to teach them to save but you also have to teach them to spend!

That is a very good point yesiknow.

It is something I definitely will think about doing as they get older, DD in particular as the eldest. I think coming from that sort of background can go either way - you will either be very 'tight' with money (as I am to an extent) or you will splurge. Obviously there are those who fall inbetween too!

I'm with you. Woukdnt want to create entitled expectant ungrateful children? Would want my kids to know the value of money. Maybe you can match fund if they can pull together half the cash through jobs/birthdays/xmas gifts. Match funding seems a good compromise

We have tended to get what they want as they don't really ask for much. We have always focused more on spending on holidays and fun rather than stuff and they are following the same pattern so far. We want to give them a good house deposit in a few years. DS has a full time job and is mostly sensible with his money. Being generous never equates to spoiltness in my book. We will always treat our DC while we can, you never know what's around the corner.

OP realised I'd made a bit of an emotional post, this Thread had really made me think about what I will do with DD - currently her only demands are milk and hugs! I'm sure you would never make your children feel as I did, intact the fact that you think about these things shows you are a fab mum

I think, certainly with DD, matching is the way to go with bigger luxuries right now.

Mine don't tend to ask for an awful lot either, come to think of it. I'm just overly concious of raising them not to be spoilt and like I said, I maybe have a chip on my shoulder from my own childhood.

@Splodgeinc milk and hugs are the loveliest sorts of demands to get! Really don't worry about it, it wasn't too emotional at all - in fact I'm sorry if it seemed like I was inclining you were saying I would make my children feel that way, I definitely wasn't! And it's only natural that feeling as you did in your childhood would leave an impact. Hope you're OK.

Oh, and thank you so much you sound like an amazing mum too!