To think that just because we have a good income we shouldn't give our children whatever they want?

[YesMadamDeputySpeaker]

My DH and I both grew up in low-income families. Thanks to the power of a good education, we both made it to university and now have a very comfortable lifestyle without needing to worry about money. We're able to take the DC on regular holidays, have a nice home, cars, etc.

Even before we actually had children, we had always pledged to give our children the sort of childhood we didn't get to have - such as taking them abroad on holiday, and making sure they have lots of nice things.

However, I've since come to realise that there is a difference between 'not having to worry about money' and 'getting everything you want because we can afford it'. As I said we had very little money when I was growing up, yet I still had a happy and extremely love-filled childhood. I've grown up appreciating hard work and the importance of school, and not taking things for granted.

DH, on the other hand, is very much of the 'you can have whatever you want' mentality. Our eldest daughter (13) wants to go on a (non-educational) school trip next year which would cost in the region of £650. DH wants he and I to pay the whole thing ourselves, thus giving her a luxury our parents couldn't. I feel like it didn't do me any harm to have to save up for things I wanted as a child - in fact, it probably made me appreciate them more - and so I suggested we pay half provided she pays the other half using savings. DH disagreed heavily.

Our younger DC don't tend to ask for much, but DD and her brother (10) constantly ask for new gadgets/clothes/toys etc. I feel terrible because we have a disposable income meaning they could have most of the things they want, and I would have loved that as a child; yet I don't want them to grow up feeling entitled and like mum and dad will always pay for everything for them.

I also work in a very rough secondary school in an area with high rates of poverty and inequality. This is perhaps another reason why I am reluctant to let my children have everything they want, when I work with young people every day who cannot afford to have food or clothes bought for them.

Finally, I feel like a total hypocrite as every time I say any of this DH points out the fact that I spend quite a lot of money on items for myself as well. I feel like such a terrible person. I just want my DC to grow up appreciating the value of money and hard work but I don't want them to not have things they want just because I didn't - I'm bracing myself for suggestions that I'm projecting my childhood feelings onto them.

Am I being unreasonable or do I have a point here? Any thoughts gratefully appreciated

swingofthings totally agree with everything you've said - especially this:

"everything is more enjoyable when you've earned it rather than got it for free, as pride to have accomplish somethings is priceless"

That is what I'm aspiring for for my own DC and the point I'm trying to get across. Thank you.

QuiteLikely just because we could afford to buy her a pricey iPhone and give her £50 pocket money a week doesn't necessarily mean we should. In my opinion, that wouldn't teach her the value of working for money and not being handed things on a plate.

StillDrivingMeBonkers I'm not sure about the pay, but it will be on hours that are a) legal and b) don't interfere with her schoolwork or her opportunities to have free time to just chill.

£125 would only be five weeks' worth of pocket money anyway

At £5 a week its 25 weeks pocket money?!

This is the second time in two days I have made this point :)

There are pretty strict restrictions on child workers here

Mostly, if someone is employing a little boy or girl, it is because they don't want to pay them minimum wage.

I had no idea giving a child £5 pocket money a week was 'mean'. What is the standard amount everyone usually gives their children?

George totally agree with everything you've said there! The "yes, do you have money?" was something heard frequently in my own childhood and nowadays!

roseandviolets I see the point you're making there. I'm thinking along the lines of "me and Dad will pay half if you pay half" (or perhaps now "me and Dad will pay 450 if you pay 150)

YANBU.

I think this is a constant worry - you want your children to have everything etc but don't want them spoilt .It's hard to find a middle ground

Oh dear indigox you're right, complete mistake on my part. Brain's not working today

I personally buy my DS pretty much everything he wants. I think they should enjoy life whilst they're young. Obviously only if I have enough spare money but the things he wants aren't usually that expensive.

I think spoilt children is an attitude rather than just "things".

My kids get more things than my niece. However they are expected to have manners, they are expected to pitch in in the house etc. She doesn't get as many things, but she's demanding and rude.

One of the most polite and hard-working friend of DS (18) comes from a very wealthy background, but the attitude of "if you want to continue having meals out/holidays/gadgets when you are an adult then you'll have to work hard" has been drilled into her by her parents.

So I think there's a real middle ground between "give them everything" and "make them earn everything".

I'm guessing she'd like a fair bit of spending money as well? How about she saves for her spending money and you pay for the trip?

Hmmm. I've been thinking about this a bit recently.
I grew up in an abusive and low-income household. I'm currently trying to conceive.
I'm not wealthy by any means but I have more love to give than my mother did, and I'm on a higher income. Things like driving lessons, school trips (including non-educational), extra-carricular activities even when they are in university, I will cover with no question.
However I think it's important for kids to learn about money and budgeting and so they won't get all the toys etc that they ask for. It sets them up for thinking that they will get whatever for live.
I think there's definetely a middle ground between you and your DH's way of thinking.

I am in a similar position and sometimes I make DS save up all his pocket money and sometimes I chip in. Basically, he doesn't get X immediately just because he fancies it.

Having said that, I wouldn't make him pay half for a school trip, particularly one at an age when you're really a bit too young to work.

Minimum wage for a 14 year old is under 4 quid an hour I think.

Don't spoil your kids but I do think you should pay for school trips. Get her to save up for spending money whilst she's there. School trips are a big part of enrichment.

£5pw for a 13 year old is tight.

It's nearly 6 months pocket money for her!

Honestly op your daughter doesn't seem spoilt or like she takes money for granted? You seem to be getting caught up in something that's not happening because you're concerned how it looks or teaching her a lesson she doesn't need to learn.

Just pay for her holiday and let her have enough money to hang out with her friends.

Also if you want her to pay for some things could you give her the chance to earn more money?

Mine all have their set chores that they do as part of living in a house, but they can do extras for extra money. I find that gives a balance between earning something and not having to use all of their pocket money, or wait absolutely ages if it's something that needs bought in a timeframe like concert tickets

We have a high income. Dcs are 13 and get £5 per week - it's basically for treats etc...it's plenty they save most of it and they don't moan about it not being enough.
We would pay for any and all school trip (except the one to Africa because we don't agree with the charity status of the trip and do not support our kids raising donation for what is in reality a holiday - raising money is a condition of going) - I see them all school trips as educational, whether it's soft skills or academics skills - we see it all as worthwhile. Travel is something we value.
We have asked the dcs to pay for part of their computers - and as a consequence they have looked after them well. They also contributed a percentage to their phones. They get clothes whenever they need them - they have no interest in labels at all - in fact they refuse to wear anything with a visible brand. I'm happy with the balance we have, as are the kids, more things does not mean more happiness or love and they understand that.

DH and I are in the top 1% of earners in the country and don't give our DC all the ask for. Far from it. We have however set up pensions etc for them so they have a good foundation but in terms of material goods and treats we try not to spoil them. I fear my DD will develop a fondness for bling and bags like her mother but with a good education and a successful career in years to come she should be in a position to pay for what she wants and, most importantly, know the value of money.

Yes - exactly my point Margaret!!

DC don't really have chores besides tidying rooms, putting away toys and clothes and for my eldest two, walking dogs.

It is a difficult balance to strike OP. We could afford to give our DDs quite a lot of stuff we choose not to.They do have nice phones but that is because they chose to get them as birthday presents. We also chose to give DD1 an ipad in year 7 as she was unable to go on her year 7 bonding trip due to an operation so the ipad was the same as the cost of the trip. We also spent a hideous amount of money (I still feel ill thinking about it) on a cello for DD1 who is very talented and practices very hard. However we are refusing to spend a similar amount of money on a harp for DD2 as she isn't putting the practice in.
We agreed not to give them pocket money as they are both able to earn quite a bit from musical activities - string quartet, cathedral choir etc. SO trips to Starbucks etc they have to pay for. They do quite well from grandparents godparents and birthday money so they can afford a couple of trips to stock their wardrobes up at Bluewater in the sales and if they want something in particular they often locate it on ebay secondhand and ask me to buy it for them.

They are totally spoilt for experiences - get taken to Glyndebourne and the Proms by godparents etc and nice holidays but I think that they understand the value of money (or did until DD1 started earning £80 on a Sunday from playing the organ in church) - just beacuse we could spend more on them I don't see why we should. Nor do I see why I should spend less on me to indulge them in lots of gadgets and designer gear when they could save up and buy it for themselves.

Ds said to me that he wished he had a mum who gave him lots of treats overtime he asked when he was younger - now he's 13, he says he's glad I didn't, glad he has lovely teeth with no fillings.

Another Mum I know - whose dh was a CEO of a Bluechip company, said she had always shown restraint with what her kids were given and insisted they pulled their weight around the house. It was a long time coming but she got a phone call from her 25 year old son thanking her for keeping him grounded by not giving him everything he wanted and teaching him responsibility - to cook and clean up after himself.....he had met quite a few other spoilt young men who had rarely heard the word no and they were bloody awful to live with!

just beacuse we could spend more on them I don't see why we should. Nor do I see why I should spend less on me to indulge them in lots of gadgets and designer gear when they could save up and buy it for themselves.

This is absolutely spot-on. That's what I'm getting at - we could afford to give them top range phones and other gadgets, designer clothing, all the works. But we choose not to because we want them to grow up without having everything handed to them on a plate, just because me and DH worked and continue to work hard enough for us to be in that position.

I would definitely not be in the position I am today had my parents been able to give me everything I wanted. I wouldn't have learned the value of hard work, time management skills (I was juggling four examination subjects, three jobs and driving lessons in my final year of school) or money management. And I wouldn't have the drive, determination and work ethic I do today.

That's what I want for all my children, more than them being allowed the latest iPhone or designer trainers. And it may be frugal but those skills will stay with a child longer than one school trip.

OP as another parent who doesn't give my DC everything they want despite being able to afford it I was nodding along to your posts until I got to your DD has £5 per week . £5 wouldn't buy a coffee and a magazine.

My 12 year old has £100 a month. From that she is expected to buy non essential clothes and toiletries, Starbucks, cinema tickets and phone top ups etc. If she wants to go to cinema with friends she pays. If we go as a family I pay.

I pay for anything school related, "essential" clothes (there is some flex to that categorisation) mobile phone contract and basic toiletries (shampoo/razors/deodorant/sanpro + basic skincare)

I'm with the OPs view. Learning the value of money and not spoiling a child/children is no bad thing.

Depends what pocket money is for - my dcs phone is paid for, no cinema in town, toiletries are paid for. £5 per week is simply spent buying milkshakes and sweets - it's enough...they don't socialise outside school more than twice a month and money is not the deciding factor.