To ask DM for money?

[ohhnohedidnt]

No contact with dad (who is penniless anyway)

DM has had to sell her house as she was on an interest only mortgage and thought that a critical illness policy would pay out on turning 62years of age (DM insists this is what she was told at time when taking out the policy).

It didn't pay out and she was in the position of owing over 40k which is now just about to be paid back from the sale, thank goodness, but she will only walk away with around 65k profit which is not enough to buy in this area. She has taken a council flat and is spending money on carpets/wallpaper etc etc to make it comfortable and is adamant that she'll stay there for good and enjoy her money, fair enough, she's not had an easy life, and cannot cope with maintaining a house on her own and will be retiring in a couple of years so money will be extremely tight.

DM has never been good with money and I am slightly concerned that she'll fritter it away but it is her choice to do so I guess!

Myself and Dsiblings will have no inheritance, fine-such is life and not everyone does

DB (older than me) owns a lovely big home and his wife and him have lots of savings. DS is just about to buy a property with her husband, and both have just had promotions at work so money is not so much of an issue

I however am still renting (31yo) and have a DC, no partner and no financial support from exp but that is a whole other thread (and he can get away with it because he has made himself self employed so no chance of ever getting any support there).

I work mon-fri 9-5 in a job I really enjoy but have no savings and no chance of ever having any unless I miraculously land a much better paid job (promotion in pipeline but not guaranteed). I am genuinely very happy for all my friends who are all married with lovely homes those who are not married still all own their own homes, but I do feel sad very often that I don't/potentially never will own my own home. I didn't save when I was younger and that was my downfall but since having DC I've never been in a position to save.

The house we're in now is a private rent but it doesn't really feel like home despite being here for 4 years now. I find it very depressing. I just want more for me and DC and to be able to do work to out home and feel proud that it's mine

Aibu to ask DM for a deposit for a house? She doesn't have a pension so will be relying on state pension when retired so 65k is not a lot to keep her going. I feel awful even thinking about asking but it might be the only opportunity I ever have at owning (even if I was to save now I would be into my forties by the time I had enough for a deposit)

I would even pay her it back somehow, I just don't even know how to broach the subject, and no offence to my mum but I don't think she'll be over then moon at my asking

Completely unreasonable. She's got just about enough to be comfortable in retirement but is hardly rolling in money.

You've made choices that leave you less secure than your siblings. You chose to be a single parent, why would you expect more than your siblings?

Why would you want even consider asking and upsetting her? What she does with her money is entirely up to her and she has an absolute right to fritter it away on slot machines, diamonds, a thousand sweet pea plants or lots of holidays if she so wishes.

I certainly didn't choose to be a single parent, but thank you for your reply anyway.

If I did ask, (which I'm still not sure if I could bring myself to) I would want to repay her

I'm not sure if yabu or not, but I always 🙄 when people say being a single parent is a choice that's been made without being told that explicitly.
Its plain bloody ignorant

If you plan to pay it back then I don't see the harm in asking. You can present the notion as security for her grandchildren. Draw up a payment plan and make it clear when you ask that you will be absolutely fine if she says no.

Most mortgage lenders won't accept a loan as a deposit, they would want your mum to sign something to state that the money was a gift, not a loan.

Aside from that, wouldn't that be unfair on your siblings? You say that you will be getting no inheritance but if you get money for a deposit, you will won't you? What about your DB & DS, how would they feel about it?

Only ask if you make clear it's a loan and you can also demonstrate that you will have the funds to repay her in full over HER chosen timescale.

She will have to lie to your mortgage provider, however, and say it's not a loan but a gift (otherwise the outgoings from loan repayments will reduce the amount you are offered).

Does your Mum accept that she is not good with money and prone to fritter?

You might suggest to her that you borrow some of it and pay it back with the same interest she would get at a bank (i.e. Not a lot at the moment frankly).

You could time it so you pay it back in lump sums every other year? Your mum wouldn't lose out and it might help her to control her frittering?

If you were to think about doing this, I would communicate with both your siblings face to face and see how they feel. They might see it as a way of giving both of you a little help?

Yes, YABU. You said the money "isn't enough to keep her going" when she retires so asking for a chunk of that is unreasonable. You sound very entitled. And paying her back "somehow" doesn't sound very reliable. Wanting to pay her back and actually being able to pay her back are completely different. If you know you can pay her back and agree on a payment plan then it's slightly less unreasonable.

It's also unfair to your siblings to ask this of her.

Totally, utterly unreasonable! Shame on you for even considering this!

Totally, utterly unreasonable! Shame on you for even considering this!

This is very grabby. And I don't think it's ok. If your mum wanted to give you the money she would. She's not an idiot. Comparing it to you having less than your siblings so you need it more is not ok.

It's not your money, forget about it like you never heard about it. Your a grown woman, and it's up to you to manage your own life without sponging.

You can't do it unless she offers. It sounds like she's had enough to deal with already. How can you be certain that you'd be able to pay it back? She's already been let down with this life insurance thing & had to deal with the fallout. I'm sorry that you have no savings but so many people are in the same boat! You're just going to have to ride it out. Don't stress your mum out with this. And it isn't your place to judge her spending habits. Just let her get on with making her new flat nice & enjoying life a little bit. It hardly sounds like she has enough to be pushing the boat out, but at least she'll be comfortable. Doesn't she deserve that at least?

You'd want to pay it back? Let's be honest here - if you're that skint, how will you be able to?

Your brother's and sister's circumstances have nothing to do with this. You're an adult and you have to act like it.

She is not obliged to fork out for you to own a property. Plenty of people rent quite happily.

Being a single parent isn't a choice, no. But having a child is, and it's your responsibility to keep a roof over both your heads.

I think it would be unfair to possibly emotionally blackmail your mother into handing over money she should be using to live on.

Plenty of people will come along and say that parents should happily bail out their adult dc. But I don't believe it's their job to, and I think it's very entitled to believe otherwise.

Wow no, you definitely can't ask her.

You want to borrow your mum's savings when she's only going to have a state pension to live on? And by the sound of it, you've no way of paying her back?

Just to be clear, that's a no. I'm normally all for parents helping out their adult children if they can afford it but your mum can't.

Yabu. Peopl make their life choices and just because your siblings have more material things than you it doesn't make you more deserving. And you say you would pay it back somehow - how? If you cannot save for a deposit how would you pay back a loan?

If you don't think she would be happy at you asking then I wouldn't if I were you. She is likely to say no and it could damage your relationship. She could also be seen as getting rid of money in order to get more benefits. If she only has state pension she may be entitled to pension credits. If she has given away a large chunk of money then that could cause her problems.

I really don't think you should ask her.

Good point Magenta re possible deliberate deprivation of assets.

So that money is all she has to see her through. And you want to ask her to give it to you. How would you fund the mortgage repayments and repay her? What if you needed a new boiler/roof/windows? Your siblings have earned their relative comfort, don't begrudge it.

Anyone who would even THINK to ask under those circumstances certainly isn't going to listen to people telling her not to.
Selfish and grabby and completely unreasonable.

But you'll do it anyway.

If you cannot save for a deposit how would you pay back a loan?

Good point. You don't really think you should pay is back at all, do you? In lieu of your inheritance?

I think your DM has got your card well and truly numbered.. Her joy over sharing how she will spend her well earned savings is to put you off scrounging.

YABVU. Your mother is not in a position to support herself financially, let alone you and your child.

No, no, no! OP, I think you know that YABU even thinking about asking your mum for a large sum of money. I would urge you to follow your gut feeling in this case and not ask her!