To ask DM for money?

[ohhnohedidnt]

No contact with dad (who is penniless anyway)

DM has had to sell her house as she was on an interest only mortgage and thought that a critical illness policy would pay out on turning 62years of age (DM insists this is what she was told at time when taking out the policy).

It didn't pay out and she was in the position of owing over 40k which is now just about to be paid back from the sale, thank goodness, but she will only walk away with around 65k profit which is not enough to buy in this area. She has taken a council flat and is spending money on carpets/wallpaper etc etc to make it comfortable and is adamant that she'll stay there for good and enjoy her money, fair enough, she's not had an easy life, and cannot cope with maintaining a house on her own and will be retiring in a couple of years so money will be extremely tight.

DM has never been good with money and I am slightly concerned that she'll fritter it away but it is her choice to do so I guess!

Myself and Dsiblings will have no inheritance, fine-such is life and not everyone does

DB (older than me) owns a lovely big home and his wife and him have lots of savings. DS is just about to buy a property with her husband, and both have just had promotions at work so money is not so much of an issue

I however am still renting (31yo) and have a DC, no partner and no financial support from exp but that is a whole other thread (and he can get away with it because he has made himself self employed so no chance of ever getting any support there).

I work mon-fri 9-5 in a job I really enjoy but have no savings and no chance of ever having any unless I miraculously land a much better paid job (promotion in pipeline but not guaranteed). I am genuinely very happy for all my friends who are all married with lovely homes those who are not married still all own their own homes, but I do feel sad very often that I don't/potentially never will own my own home. I didn't save when I was younger and that was my downfall but since having DC I've never been in a position to save.

The house we're in now is a private rent but it doesn't really feel like home despite being here for 4 years now. I find it very depressing. I just want more for me and DC and to be able to do work to out home and feel proud that it's mine

Aibu to ask DM for a deposit for a house? She doesn't have a pension so will be relying on state pension when retired so 65k is not a lot to keep her going. I feel awful even thinking about asking but it might be the only opportunity I ever have at owning (even if I was to save now I would be into my forties by the time I had enough for a deposit)

I would even pay her it back somehow, I just don't even know how to broach the subject, and no offence to my mum but I don't think she'll be over then moon at my asking

would even pay her it back somehow

From your OP it sounded a lot as if it would be a handout. You don't have a plan yet and nothing in life is ever 100% guaranteed so you just can't be so certain you'll be able to pay it back.

Did I read right that the sake she had agreed is not going through? How will she get the money now?

Well I would take the extra hours and save my arse off for the next few years.

Then you can get your own mortgage without a handout!

i don't know, seems to me maybe your mother is not in a position to say no, after all the work you've done for her, considering ur her only child living near etc. She's a former addict, bad with money, looking at it objectively I'd wonder about whether you'd be exploiting her tbh.

OP, I don't think you're a horrible person. I know what it's like to desperately want something that seems just out of reach.

BUT...
I don't think you can afford a house. Many posters have covered the issues surrounding the deposit and mortgage payments. But for us, the mortgage is only one part of our housing costs. With no savings and needing to work extra shifts just to repay your DM, how can you cover taxes, repairs, maintenance? A house can devalue quickly when routine fixes are delayed.

We recently discovered a slow roof leak. The repair to the roof and siding cost 13,000$. If not repaired the house would have eventually become a wreck.

Exploiting my DM wow

My manager approached me to go for a promotion at work so if I were to get the job I would be 6k per annum better off. If that happens, I shall explore avenues like springboard etc and if the numbers work, and my DM is guaranteed her money back, I don't think it's too outrageous so will consider asking and let her know she is in no way obliged to say yes! I shall do this in a few months though once the dust has settled with the move and allow enough time for me to number crunch and see if it's a viable option

I have already worked out that I will have less outgoings if I WERE to buy at the price I had looked at and borrow over 25 years, my outgoings even with insurance etc will be less and that's not working extra on my current salary, if I worked extra, it would be money to put away

If it's not meant to be them it's not meant to be and nothing is lost, I will accept that renting for the next few years is how it is and I'll be happy enough with that

Your Mum must know your situation, particularly that when compared to your siblings already.

If she hasn't already offered you money, -(and she would be under absolutely no moral obligation to do this), then you have your answer anyway.

Fgs don't go asking someone for something so great, unless you want to damage the relationship.

She's certainly not going to fall out with me if I did ask, and IF I did, I certainly wouldn't fall out with her if she said no!

If I thought it would damage our relationship then I wouldn't even dream of asking her

You cannot 'guarantee' that you'll pay her back. You simply can't. So based on that, it IS grabby and it IS selfish. You seem resentful that she is 'only going to waste it' anyway but it is hers to use as she sees fit. Guilting her into handing over cash and relying on her to 'pay you back' for the help you've given IS exploiting your mother. Don't know why you take issue with that. Deep down you must KNOW that you're looking to take advantage of your mother because you feel she 'owes' you. That mindset is not a good look.

Could you work full time, bring up your child, study, keep up with housework, help out family with their problems and work a few extra shifts a week too?
Why, yes I could. Many do and continue to do. Admittedly, there were no extra shifts because with 4 children that just wasn't possible. I got a mortgage AND still help my parents out. So not sure of the relevance other than another 'I'm owed' sentiment.

I also don't understand how you can possibly guarantee she'll get the money back. You're asking her to take a punt at the end of her working life, which is the very time when she can least afford for anything to go wrong.

Could you borrow it from one of your siblings instead?

Bit of a disconnect between you doing all her decorating now because there "isn't anyone else" and this idea of property development with her finding someone to do it up at mate's rates!

I actually don't think giving you (it would have to be a gift as others have said, though that doesn't stop you repaying it) a deposit is a bad thing. I'd be gutted if my daughter at 31 couldn't ask me. She should have no obligation to do it of course - but it's not a bad idea. (prefer the springboard idea personally though)

But I don't understand your comments earlier about your mother now having it tough. Secure housing probably at below market rate, a state pension coming in a few years, and £65K buffer. Croesus she ain't, but that's a hell of a lot more of a safety net than many!

Op did you look up the Barclays spring board mortgage like i previously mentioned. It solves all your problems in regards to using your mums money.

Through our Family Springboard mortgage, you can buy your home without a borrower deposit if your family or loved ones can provide 10% of the property’s price as security.
• Available to first-time buyers and movers
• Your family get their money back with interest if you keep up your repayments
• They get their savings back after 3 years with interest, as long as you keep up the repayments

I think it's ok to ask as long as you present it to her as a business proposition where there is win win. You pay a little more than the interest rate so she wins and you get a cheap loan. You have to be absolutely certain you can pay it back though.
You also need to make it clear that you won't be offended if she says no.
Hopefully she will want to help you, especially when it may benefit her too - or at least with no cost to herself.

I would assume that the OP hopes that mortgage repayments would be less than current rent, so would be able to repay mother using the difference.

I wonder if there's a bit of a generation divide on this thread and that those of us who've lived through double figure interest rates and seen housing bubbles burst are the ones being more pessimistic. I know I'm one of the nay sayers but I just don't think it's fair to ask someone to join you in this risk (and while it can pay off spectacularly well, it's still a risk) when they're going to be on a very small income with no assets and no way of earning the money back if it goes tits up.

You say you won't ask your brother because he has children but he sounds a far better bet to me: he has assets, he's earning well and crucially, he has many more years of earning ahead of him. Why not present it to him as a business venture?

I am of the school that says you give you kids whatever they need whenever you can - I know that's not popular on here.

As am I. In fact, I've just helped 3 of my 4 children with different things that each needed. Don't have much left atm.lol
They never asked though, I did what I did because I wanted to and could at the time. I would not be so generous if they did nothing to help themselves or were of the opinion that I 'owed' them.

The OP's mother has an amount of money that will need to last her lifetime. It's not a huge amount of money. I know, for a fact that none of my children would ever ask me to sacrifice such an amount in such circumstances. For those that do think it's no big deal because the mother will be receiving a steady amount back, why would you think that? The OP doesn't seem to be factoring in just how expensive it can be to own a home. It's not just mortgage payments. It's maintenance and repairs and taxes and all the other fun stuff. If you weren't so sure that any would be paid back, is it the same opinion?
I would always help my children where I could, when I could, if they were helping themselves and already doing all they could about whatever the situation. I won't be a convenient pot of money to bail them out because that's the easiest option for them.

I think you have done a fantastic job helping your Mum with her selling and moving and I hope she appreciates your time and efforts

I am a practical person, so I like to know what needs to be organised
Have you investigated the actual real cost of buying property, because there are other costs involved eg

solicitors fees
survey
land registery
moving costs
mortgage arrangement fees
deposit
house & contents insurance
mail redirection
unexpected fees
You also need an emergency fund incase something breaks

The reason I am asking you to check, is because if you did borrow 10k I dont think that would be enough (unless you are buying in a location where house prices are very cheap)

Have you investigated how much it would cost to borrow 10k, because adverts say x amount, but if you apply xx amount may occur

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Ref your mother being retired and not working
65000 divided by 20 years = 3250 a year
3250 divided by 52 weeks = 62.50
62 divided by 7 days =£9 a day approx
on top of her state pension
That is not taking into account money spent on luxuries like christmas. holidays or things breaking that need replacing

Bank saving rates are currently poor compared to the past
She could open an ISA-tax free savings
She could buy a private pension
She could open a peer to peer account
She could do a combination of the above
Buying a buy to let is probably not a good idea due to responsibilities and no funds for renovations
She needs some FREE financial advise

You could ask your Mum for the 10K, but I would make concrete plans to ensure that you pay her back on a monthly/regular basis
Plus what about lost interest

The alternative is that you work 2 jobs and save the deposit yourself
But you will have to take into account if house prices continue to rise/or fall

You could put the same question into the Money Matters section and see if anyone offers some financial advice

I think YABVU to even entertain the thought. Your posts read as if you think your mum will waste her own money (not that it's a lot) so you might as well spend it for her. And that it's OK because everyone else has a house and you should have one too.

Not everyone can afford to buy a house. You certainly can't. Either you make your peace with that or you skill up and retrain for a better paid career so you can do it under your own steam. There's nothing wrong with being a serial renter.

How would you pay her back if you can't afford to save? Owning a home means paying for the upkeep so it will potentially be even harder to save. I wouldn't ask until I had sat down and worked out how I would repay her and over what term etc. X

Is it an option for her to pay the deposit, you pay the mortgage and you buy together? My dad (only 47) doesn't own now since he divorced from my mum and they sold the house. He can't currently get a mortgage so our plan i's to buy together.