To ask DM for money?

[ohhnohedidnt]

No contact with dad (who is penniless anyway)

DM has had to sell her house as she was on an interest only mortgage and thought that a critical illness policy would pay out on turning 62years of age (DM insists this is what she was told at time when taking out the policy).

It didn't pay out and she was in the position of owing over 40k which is now just about to be paid back from the sale, thank goodness, but she will only walk away with around 65k profit which is not enough to buy in this area. She has taken a council flat and is spending money on carpets/wallpaper etc etc to make it comfortable and is adamant that she'll stay there for good and enjoy her money, fair enough, she's not had an easy life, and cannot cope with maintaining a house on her own and will be retiring in a couple of years so money will be extremely tight.

DM has never been good with money and I am slightly concerned that she'll fritter it away but it is her choice to do so I guess!

Myself and Dsiblings will have no inheritance, fine-such is life and not everyone does

DB (older than me) owns a lovely big home and his wife and him have lots of savings. DS is just about to buy a property with her husband, and both have just had promotions at work so money is not so much of an issue

I however am still renting (31yo) and have a DC, no partner and no financial support from exp but that is a whole other thread (and he can get away with it because he has made himself self employed so no chance of ever getting any support there).

I work mon-fri 9-5 in a job I really enjoy but have no savings and no chance of ever having any unless I miraculously land a much better paid job (promotion in pipeline but not guaranteed). I am genuinely very happy for all my friends who are all married with lovely homes those who are not married still all own their own homes, but I do feel sad very often that I don't/potentially never will own my own home. I didn't save when I was younger and that was my downfall but since having DC I've never been in a position to save.

The house we're in now is a private rent but it doesn't really feel like home despite being here for 4 years now. I find it very depressing. I just want more for me and DC and to be able to do work to out home and feel proud that it's mine

Aibu to ask DM for a deposit for a house? She doesn't have a pension so will be relying on state pension when retired so 65k is not a lot to keep her going. I feel awful even thinking about asking but it might be the only opportunity I ever have at owning (even if I was to save now I would be into my forties by the time I had enough for a deposit)

I would even pay her it back somehow, I just don't even know how to broach the subject, and no offence to my mum but I don't think she'll be over then moon at my asking

I don't think there is any point asking her for money. Even just from your first post I felt she came across as being pretty selfish and oblivious. I mean really, a critical illness policy that pays out when she gets the critical illness of being 62? Talk about burying your head in the sand. Her plan to spend, spend, spend just after being fortunate enough to be saved from the full consequences of her financial irresponsibility say so much...

So your second post confirms exactly what I thought really. Don't ask her for the money because she won't give it to you and will probably make herself out to be the victim of an evil, selfish daughter into the bargain. And for goodness sake, don't martyr yourself on her behalf in future.

No. Your mother can't afford it.

Why don't you ask your brother, who seems to be well off?

Unless the house will be for your mum also you sound completely entitled. You seem to have decided the fact that you helped sell her house means she owes you her life savings. Which is extremely entitled. For what it's worth, I certainly don't think you chose to be a single parent and I'm sorry you are envious of your siblings. But your mum doesn't have to compensate for that when she clearly can't afford to. You have shown no serious intent to pay her back by the way so I would stop protesting that because people don't believe you (e.g. A plan for how much how soon over how long and why you are confident you can cover it and what you are going to do about interest so it's fair for your mum ie some concrete thinking)

YABVU.

No one is entitled to owning their own home, if you can't afford it then getting one shouldn't be at the expense of someone else, whether a loan or not.

And, honestly, it sounds like you won't be able to afford to pay back a loan - otherwise you'd save the money up and wait instead.

If your mother is retiring soon and claims housing benefit to pay her rent this would be considered deprivation of capital

Buying carpets etc is fine (keep the receipts) but she cannot give money away.

Yes YABU. I don't quite understand how you would have spare cash to pay her back "somehow" but you don't have any spare to save? If you've got the cash to pay her back for the loan then surely you could just save this amount instead and eventually have something for a deposit? It might not be immediate but it would happen eventually.

Mind you, not everyone can afford to buy a house (apparently you included) so quite why renting is a terrible thing I don't know?! Surely you're putting a roof over your head and that's the important thing?

Your DM is in a council house and you want her money to buy a house for yourself. How could anyone think that was ok?!

Thank you livefornaps and mornigtoncrescent

Lots of other very good advice too

Wow, I am not 'after her money' I love her dearly and would never want to see her without what she deserves-a worry free future. I have worried about her for decades now, and don't think I will ever be able to stop worrying about her, I've always felt very helpless and was distraught that I couldn't rectify the situation for her when she told us. This was not a surprise and in a way my siblings and I saw this coming, but I am in no way trying to 'profit' from this, yuck!

I was hoping it could be a win win situation for both of us with me possibly being able to own and my DM having the money back, and yes one sixth of the money is a significant amount of money but if it was to be frittered away then having payments would possibly suit her too

This is not something I have lightly considered, it's highly unlikely I will ask but I knew by asking here I would get lots of (mostly) helpful advice and I'm very grateful for that.

She was offered a housing association flat very quickly as she had a letter stating her house would be repossessed

I like the idea of living with her but the reality of that would be difficult (OCD/narcissism)

I'm not sure I would get one so quickly as already being in a property I am not high priority. I would also hate to move DS from the school he is at, all his friends are here and the street is very safe for him to play. Something I guess I might have to reconsider but not one I want to

I would love to see her invest the money somehow, perhaps buy a repossessed house herself! Find someone who could renovate it for mates rates and walk away with a reasonable profit and really make the fairly small amount of money she has GROW, or invest it some other way, but she doesn't have the self belief that she can do that

All in all it's a pretty sad situation, not the worst I know, and she has her health most importantly but still very sad. As she ages further I worry about her getting up all the stairs in the flat and her knees are already sore. Sigh.

Thank you again mumsnet, appreciate all the advice

You can't be certain you could repay her. You say she's not good with money. These are terrible conditions for asking for a loan.

What happens if she needs the money back in future and you don't have it? What if you can't keep up with the mortgage and lose the house and her money? It could cause a lot of problems within the family.

You try to sound diplomatic about not receiving an inheritance, but you must feel you are entitled to something... Don't compare yourself to your siblings, just focus on how to improve your own situation. Opportunities will come along.

She sold her house then immediately got a council flat? Wow. I know people who have been on the list for years, living in shitty private rented accommodation with no hope of ever getting a council flat. Is it assisted living?

About the money... how much would you need? Could you ask for half from her and half from your brother?

I don't see anything wrong with asking. Our parents generation had it much easier than us. I am in my fifties and still trying to get on the property ladder, in spite of me and DH working hard all our lives.

Well this is kinda confusing. Your op starts off highly mercenrary. How you're no with your dad but he's penniless anyway, then you ,over on to wanting your mums money as you find your home depressing and you see her money as your only opportunity.

Now it's how you're all worried about her and want her to invest and make her money grow and it's not you're after her money. When your op was exactly that.

Why don't you ask your siblings if you should ask her for her money? See what they think?

It's a housing association flat, not entirely sure of the difference but slightly easier to come by

She was offered one two months ago which she accepted, them the people who put an offer in for the house decided to pull out last minute. So ATM she is actually paying the interest only mortgage payment plus housing association rent, not ideal

I'd be worried, that if you can't afford to save how can you afford to pay her back each month, unless the mortgage is a lot less than your private rent.

Bluntness, when we worked out the figures and realised she would be unable to buy outright, I suggested she invest it somehow to make it last as long as possible into her retirement

She said no and that she wants to (quite rightly!) go on holidays and spend it

Obviously I am an awful person 🙄

You're not really answering questions:

Why can't you save the money you were planning to pay your dm back with?

As a previous poster said the mortgage lenders have tightened up on lending to people who have borrowed the deposit from Bank of Mum and Dad these days and need confirmation that the money is a gift rather than a loan. Even then they are reluctant to lend if there is no evidence of some form of saving.

You may be able to get a mortgage on the basis that the deposit is also a loan but I suspect then the interest rate will be loaded to some extent.

I am also mystified as to why a critical illness policy would be expected to pay out at 62 if there is no critical illness?

When my father died, my mother was given a lump sum. I was also a single parent, but would never have asked her for any money. She was in her late 50s then and is now in her 80s. The money is long gone, as she needed it just to live on and is struggling. I couldn't live with myself if I thought I'd contributed to that. YABU.

She doesn't have the most net to give or loan you, OP.

She's 2 years off retirement, with no pension but state and this capital. She's an ex addict who struggles with adult financial responsibilities and the consequences of poor decisions.

She shouldn't be "investing" in you, another property to do up or anything like that. The potential consequences of getting it wrong would be grave with no safety net.

Loads of posters have told you DH could fall foul of deprivation of assets etc. Do listen.

You live in a property in a street you like where your DS is happy. Count your blessings and don't ask your mum to "invest" in you when it could be a risky gamble for her.

most net = money

Sorry to say OP but you appear to be inhabiting some sort of fantasy land!
You have not explained how you could afford to repay a mortgage and your Mum from your current earnings, when you are not apparently already saving towards a deposit!
You do not appear to have considered what will happen to your Mum if you default on repaying her and she runs low on cash (state pension alone will not go far)
You blithely suggest that some philanthropist would renovate a house for "mates rates"...........wtf!

Come back to reality and make plans for how YOU are going to improve your prospects without taking advantage of your Mum and diddling your siblings out of their potential inheritance - let's be truthful, you don't think they should get anything because you are more needy, don't you. Why else post how well off they are compared to poor you.

If you can afford to get a mortgage why don't you get one to cover the £40K owed on your mums property and move i to it with her as joint owners?

I don't really get most of the replies on here. From what I've read, and I might be wrong, your mother will have a lump sum of around £65k. You want to borrow around £11k. Would that enable you to buy your own property in your area? If so, would you be able to pay for the mortgage and the running costs of that property, and still have some left over to start paying your mum back? After maybe a year of trying to get on your feet? If so, this seems a reasonable proposition. Surely your mum isn't going to spend all of the £65 in the first two years? The other question is, would the property that you're buying cost less in terms of mortgage + upkeep than the cost of renting. I can imagine in some places, it is cheaper than private renting. If that's the case, I don't really understand why you've been vilified, like you have been on here. But I might have misunderstood the figures, maybe you intend to borrow more than 10%. But if you aren't, it might suit your mum to have regular income plus interest, rather than practically getting zero interest in the bank. You would however, have to ensure that your mum's repayment, was your priority and you would pay it back even if it meant getting a second job etc.

I get that you might see it as a better use of her money, but look at it another way - her future plans have been blown out of the water, she thought she would be living in her own house...I can get that she wants to make the new place as comfortable as possible and maybe live a little before living quite a financially constrained life. So yes, I think you could council her not to overspend/blow it, but you should be encouraging her to spend it wisely, not give it to you. Sorry.