To ask DM for money?

[ohhnohedidnt]

No contact with dad (who is penniless anyway)

DM has had to sell her house as she was on an interest only mortgage and thought that a critical illness policy would pay out on turning 62years of age (DM insists this is what she was told at time when taking out the policy).

It didn't pay out and she was in the position of owing over 40k which is now just about to be paid back from the sale, thank goodness, but she will only walk away with around 65k profit which is not enough to buy in this area. She has taken a council flat and is spending money on carpets/wallpaper etc etc to make it comfortable and is adamant that she'll stay there for good and enjoy her money, fair enough, she's not had an easy life, and cannot cope with maintaining a house on her own and will be retiring in a couple of years so money will be extremely tight.

DM has never been good with money and I am slightly concerned that she'll fritter it away but it is her choice to do so I guess!

Myself and Dsiblings will have no inheritance, fine-such is life and not everyone does

DB (older than me) owns a lovely big home and his wife and him have lots of savings. DS is just about to buy a property with her husband, and both have just had promotions at work so money is not so much of an issue

I however am still renting (31yo) and have a DC, no partner and no financial support from exp but that is a whole other thread (and he can get away with it because he has made himself self employed so no chance of ever getting any support there).

I work mon-fri 9-5 in a job I really enjoy but have no savings and no chance of ever having any unless I miraculously land a much better paid job (promotion in pipeline but not guaranteed). I am genuinely very happy for all my friends who are all married with lovely homes those who are not married still all own their own homes, but I do feel sad very often that I don't/potentially never will own my own home. I didn't save when I was younger and that was my downfall but since having DC I've never been in a position to save.

The house we're in now is a private rent but it doesn't really feel like home despite being here for 4 years now. I find it very depressing. I just want more for me and DC and to be able to do work to out home and feel proud that it's mine

Aibu to ask DM for a deposit for a house? She doesn't have a pension so will be relying on state pension when retired so 65k is not a lot to keep her going. I feel awful even thinking about asking but it might be the only opportunity I ever have at owning (even if I was to save now I would be into my forties by the time I had enough for a deposit)

I would even pay her it back somehow, I just don't even know how to broach the subject, and no offence to my mum but I don't think she'll be over then moon at my asking

Thank you hyperventing

I was a long way away from even ASKING dm, so I have not looked in finite detail about exact numbers, I am merely considering
it. and you have hit the nail on the head

So basically I would be looking to ask for about 8-10k (of the 65) and would easily be able to work weekends and the odd evening if need be but the idea being that morgtage payment would be less than what I'm currently paying for rent and dm would get the difference plus a little more. So whatever I save per month, which I expect to be around 200, would go straight back to DM

DC goes to his dads eow and have friends who help out and I help them in return

DB lives overseas and has three young children

But surely Frances Crawford, she would be paying any interest the DM would have got (which she said she would do); it should be easy to work out as she'll still have most of the rest of the money and work out the interest she owes as a proportion of that accrued on the rest of the lump sum.

Sorry OP, I give up. People seem to be determined to paint you as a BAD PERSON who's trying to con their frail old mother. I'm not sure if your mother sounds like she would invest it so very wisely anyway. But MN threads on adults borrowing money from their parents tend to go this way...

I'd suggest you work out the figures down to the last detail and then approach your mother and see what she says. She may say no, then you're no worse off. But if it makes financial sense and you can really afford it, and your mother's happy, then go for it. I'd start doing the extra work as soon as you can though, so you build yourself a buffer fund to cover any unexpected expenses.

would easily be able to work weekends and the odd evening if need be

So why haven't you been doing this already then? Could have started saving for a deposit with that extra money

I'd suggest you work out the figures down to the last detail and then approach your mother and see what she says. She may say no, then you're no worse off. But if it makes financial sense and you can really afford it, and your mother's happy, then go for it. I'd start doing the extra work as soon as you can though, so you build yourself a buffer fund to cover any unexpected expenses.

I agree. I think what some on this thread haven't realised is a) that it's quite possibly cheaper to pay off a mortgage and have something over to save than it is to rent privately (though of course this depends on market conditions where you are and b) you don't want to borrow all of your mother's savings. As far as the legalities go, I agree with pps that the loan would need to be set up as a gift, and your arrangement to pay it back would be a private one.

Speaking as a mother of adult daughters, I want them to feel they can ask me anything, even if it's awkward and might put either them or me in a difficult position. I can't speak for your mum, OP, but I know that if either of my DDs approached me with a request for money, my first response would be to feel glad that they felt they could, even if the request turned out to be unreasonable or for some reason unfeasible.

Billben, for the last 8 months I have been working full time, bringing up my DC on my own, selling my mums house for her, gutting her house at weekends whilst somehow trying to keep on top of my own housework which is absolutely impossible. I am now in the process of ripping out carpets in her new flat to and painting walls/ceilings etc etc etc as there is no one else to help her!

Shortly before that I had been through lengthy court proceedings with exp with regards to his parental duties and responsibilities, I was in survival mode if I'm honest and stress levels through the roof, all at the same time studying and doing exams through work (last two years) I am permanently exhausted if truth be told

Could you work full time, bring up your child, study, keep up with housework, help out family with their problems and work a few extra shifts a week too?

There are only so many hours in a day, I am doing my best!!

My best friends has just moved into the same street as me and could help out with DC in evenings if necessary, EOW I could work when dc is away at his dads. My cousin could also help out but I would be running myself into the ground and is not an ideal situation however if it means I could potentially own a house then that is something I will take on and hope that better opportunities arise through work etc

If you haven't been able to save, it may not be realistic to plan to pay it back. It's not fair to ask.

I see another poster has also brought up the "deprivation of capital (assets)" issue which OP didn't mention in replies? You need to get financial advice on this, and the possibility of your getting a mortgage with a "gift" as a deposit. I'd look into it first before you ask.

Youve had some harsh responses OP in my opinion. Well done you for stepping up when many would have left their alcoholic parents to their own mess. Youre 30 and sensible and sound very level so have you thought about a 'springboard' mortgage?

Your mum would have to tie some of her savings (£11k you think?) into a linked savings account as security for a 'non-existant' deposit. You take a 100% mortgage. Mum gets her savings back in full in around 3 years. (I think some pay interest on the held 'savings')

If you can get a 100% that allows you to overpay, then knocking an extra £50 off whenever you can, soon eats into your total loan. 100% ers arent ideal, but if you view it as a long term buy, and over pay even small amounts, its still better than dead rental.

Have a think about it, and mum would be guaranteed her money back in a reasonable time frame, as a lump sum, and at a time she may really appreciate it newly retired.

What type of job will only allow you to work EOW??

Carolines, i had originally thought of the springboard but didn't think it would be viable as I was under the impression the parent has to have a property, which my DM no longer will in a few weeks

Thanks, I'll look into that

Mags, the one I currently work in. My hours are 9-5 but I would be able to work evenings and weekends if I wish

Omg I can't believe you would do this, shocking! That's her pension /nest egg and it's not much! She doesn't own her own home but you want her to loan you a deposit?

No, its just a lump sum of savings thats equivalent to 10% deposit. Shop around though OP and good luck.

OP part of your issue is your phrasing

the short version of this is

"My mum is awful with money
there's a chance for me to borrow some from her, what do you think".

the implication here is that she won't be able to leave you anything so you thought you'd get in and ask for a loan while it's possible for her to lend.

i am not completely horrified by you asking for a loan but the way you've set out your posts comes across really oddly. I know parents are blooming liability and we don't ask for them - but you have a child as well so it seems a more odd sentiment coming from you (i'm childfree). I also believe that parents should help out their kids when they can. But something doesn't sit right about how you have posted.

If you have a mum with NPD, I feel bad for you son (sorry couldn't resist) but looking at your posts makes me think you might have a bit of it too.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but my own view is that you would be wrong to ask. We all make decisions / choices in life which lead us to places we didn't necessarily imagine we'd be, but that is life.

I hope you don't mind me saying but you are only 31, that's only young and anything could happen in the decades I hope you have before you. You might get a promotion or find a better paid job. You might meet a new partner and together, be able to buy somewhere. Being 31 doesn't mean this is it, you're in last chance saloon!

Maybe take a step back and think about all the positives you have in your life right now, a lot more than many others have. You have a home, albeit rented. A job you love. A DC who you also love to bits. I'm sure you have some good friends around you too. A lot to be grateful for.

Your mum, you say, hasn't had it easy and she will need the money from the sale of her home to help her make the transition to her new place, and to supplement her state pension.

And I do agree with the other posters who have asked how you wiould be able to repay her plus interest when you say you have no savings now?

If you're mother was able to get a council house maybe you can. Would give you more security than a private rent and be cheaper this allowing you to save for a deposit. Ib your situation I would only ask if I was desperate.

I also think you've helped her a lot so I can see why you'd feel it was okay to ask for a loan but if something happens and you can't pay her back you will both be up shit creek.

www.barclays.co.uk/mortgages/family-springboard-mortgage

Barclays springboard mortgage would probably sound better to her as she gets the deposit back after a number of years. It would be like a savings account for her and you'd still get your mortgage. Everyone wins

Yes 2014, that's right. Shocking? Is it really that shocking when IF it can absolutely 100% be repaid to her in full with interest before she retires in four years (not two as mentioned in pp) and she still has around 55k in the bank to play with

I'm clearly on a different planet because I don't think it's 'omg shocking'

I would not even contemplate bringing up the conversation unless I had solid evidence it can be repaid, so if I did ask her, (and she is more than capable of saying no if she doesn't want to-it's her decision) surely there are more shocking things than this?

I repeat, I would only ask if I knew for certain she will get all of her money back! I'm not asking her to GIVE me money!

You can ask. Just see what she says. I don't understand the horror and outrage. Go for it and see what she says.

Op all sorts of things could happen that near you may not be able to repay it, redundancy, illness etc.

What property are you buying that the
deposit is £10k?🤔 you'll want more for decorating, home improvements etc on moving in your mum's purse sounds like it could become your constant go to.
Or get a council house yourself.
Leave your poor mum alone.
Stand on your own two feet.

I don't think you're a bad daughter at all but I just don't think your mum is is a position to tie up even a proportion of her savings in your mortgage. If she's only going to have a state pension then quite frankly she's going to struggle to make ends meet. I can imagine all kinds of situations where she might need quick access to her savings.

Have you worked out what you would do if she suddenly needed the whole loan repaying? Or how you would manage the repayments if interest rates go up as they almost certainly will at some point?

If she had either a better pension or more savings then the idea might be a goer. As it is, I just don't think she has enough in the pot to risk it. I don't pretend to be an expert (so get proper advice) but that's my gut feeling.