To ask DM for money?

[ohhnohedidnt]

No contact with dad (who is penniless anyway)

DM has had to sell her house as she was on an interest only mortgage and thought that a critical illness policy would pay out on turning 62years of age (DM insists this is what she was told at time when taking out the policy).

It didn't pay out and she was in the position of owing over 40k which is now just about to be paid back from the sale, thank goodness, but she will only walk away with around 65k profit which is not enough to buy in this area. She has taken a council flat and is spending money on carpets/wallpaper etc etc to make it comfortable and is adamant that she'll stay there for good and enjoy her money, fair enough, she's not had an easy life, and cannot cope with maintaining a house on her own and will be retiring in a couple of years so money will be extremely tight.

DM has never been good with money and I am slightly concerned that she'll fritter it away but it is her choice to do so I guess!

Myself and Dsiblings will have no inheritance, fine-such is life and not everyone does

DB (older than me) owns a lovely big home and his wife and him have lots of savings. DS is just about to buy a property with her husband, and both have just had promotions at work so money is not so much of an issue

I however am still renting (31yo) and have a DC, no partner and no financial support from exp but that is a whole other thread (and he can get away with it because he has made himself self employed so no chance of ever getting any support there).

I work mon-fri 9-5 in a job I really enjoy but have no savings and no chance of ever having any unless I miraculously land a much better paid job (promotion in pipeline but not guaranteed). I am genuinely very happy for all my friends who are all married with lovely homes those who are not married still all own their own homes, but I do feel sad very often that I don't/potentially never will own my own home. I didn't save when I was younger and that was my downfall but since having DC I've never been in a position to save.

The house we're in now is a private rent but it doesn't really feel like home despite being here for 4 years now. I find it very depressing. I just want more for me and DC and to be able to do work to out home and feel proud that it's mine

Aibu to ask DM for a deposit for a house? She doesn't have a pension so will be relying on state pension when retired so 65k is not a lot to keep her going. I feel awful even thinking about asking but it might be the only opportunity I ever have at owning (even if I was to save now I would be into my forties by the time I had enough for a deposit)

I would even pay her it back somehow, I just don't even know how to broach the subject, and no offence to my mum but I don't think she'll be over then moon at my asking

I think it would be reasonable if the plan was to buy a house for you, DC and DM all to live in.

YABVU, it's not your mothers or siblings fault that you made the choices you did.

If owning a house means so much to you you would have either done it pre children or would work all hours to save for a deposit.

You have no means of paying it back so essentially want to take her retirement nest egg and not repay it for your own selfish wants.

Why don't you ask your brother for a loan?

Very grabby you cannot ask .But how can your mum get a council house with savings of 65k sounds bizarre

Your mum could live until her 90s or beyond, yet only has 65K and - I would guess - not much pension. I don't think you should ask her for money. Your own financial position could change, your could lose your job or become ill, and you might not be able to repay the debt. You should concentrate on bettering your own situation or, if you want to ask for financial help, try your siblings.

YABVU it's selfish and grabby in the extreme.

This is ALL the money your mum has, and her financial situation is shortly due to get worse when she retires. How can you contemplate taking that from her? You might want to pay her back but you can't actually afford to so you might as well want to send her to the moon.

You need to accept that choices you've made and chance/fate/luck have put you in your current situation which really isn't that bad anyway (a child, a secure job, a home even if private rent). Don't even ask your mum to help when you know she can't afford it

Fwiw, DM was weeks away from letting the house be repossessed as she does not cope well with situations/money etc.

Both siblings live abroad so it was up to me to take charge of putting the house on sale for her (dm couldn't bring herself to call the bank and give updates on the situation or call an estate agent)

I cleared out her rooms/loft/garage/shed etc (dm hoards) as she could not find the energy to do this, found EA to sell house through, Organised all viewing times/dates, made the house look presentable, did the viewings myself on evenings and weekend as DM was adamant EA could not get a key 🙄 kept in touch with bank and got several extensions so repossession didn't go ahead. I organised work to be done and found all plasterers/electricians (house was poorly maintained and had hole in ceiling etc) I organised the home report and paid for that as DM did not have cash

I did all this because she is family and I love her. Dm had struggled with alcoholism during my younger and teenage years where I also cleaned and maintained the house for her as well as doing all gardening when o should not have had a care in the world. I certainly do not think I am owed anything for this-she is family and that is what family is for but my goodness it has been hard work.

I am aware she is not in a very good financial situation and would only ask if I knew I could repay her fully, I am aware it is a huge ask

Thanks for all the advice so far and please keep it coming

well, there is another solution to this, would you consider buying a property with your mum and living together, that way she would have your support and you would have hers, your DC would have mum and grandma with them it could work out. What do you think

Save the money each month you're planning to repay your mum in this scheme of yours. Soon you'll have enough for a deposit.

Are you on the council waiting list? Can you get on it?

I'm not sure exactly of the rules but if your mum gave you money then at any point in the near future needed to rely on means tested benefits such as Esa ( if she became ill), pension credit etc they could potentially see that as deprivation of capital and she may be treated as if she still had that money. therefore yabu.

Yes completely unreasonable.

Could the three of you not move in together? She pays deposit and you the mortgage?

After reading your update dripfeed you're even more unreasonable. To ask someone you know who struggles and is clearly vulnerable is terrible.

Why don't you ask for a loan and offer to pay it back with interest added? Put together a repayment plan including the interest before you ask her so it's clear you've considered it all properly. If she agrees she is inclined to fritter it all away, having a regular monthly income from you could help her with this.

OK, I'm a bit more on the fence here than most, and I think the OP's getting a rather harsh response.

Could you clarify, OP, whether you're actually in a positon to put a little sum aside each month? Your post's slightly ambiguous, because you say you can't save, and then talk about having to save until you're in your 40s to get a deposit for a house.

If you can save, then I would honestly say (as someone with two adult DDs) that I don't think there's any harm in asking. Your mum's not by any means well off, but if there's a genuine prospect of you repaying her, then the choice seems to be:

a) You keep saving while paying market rent and watching house prices continue to spiral upwards - the winners here being your landlord and the bank
b) She gives you the money for a deposit on the basis that you'll pay it back in chunks with interest at savings rates (ie low)

Option b seems better to me, given that money's tight for you both.

If there's really no prospect of you being able to pay her back, then I'm sorry, but YABU and in those circumstances I wouldn't ask her.

What about taking a good hard look at the figures and clarifying what's possible? i.e. look at house prices in your area, work out what your mortgage repayments would be, add in your other expenses and see what's over. Then if you think you could repay her, you'd have the figures to hand when opening the conversation.

Yes you are being very unreasonable .. and you'll embarrass your Mum and put her in a very awkward position...

Why are you listing all the things you have done for your mother, and her previous alcohol issues if you don't think you now should have her money that you're entitled to it? Why would you bring it into the thread?

And to say you wouldn't ask unless you knew you could pay her back fully is bs, you're seriously considering it and you've no clue how to pay her back or what your own future holds. You just want her money. At least be honest.

If you want to borrow money and pay it back ask someone who can afford it. Ask your brother. Don't ask your mum. And agree a proper repayment plan with him...or would that not work as you can't afford to pay it back?

I do feel for you, you've been a really good daughter.

However, all I think you have is the peace of mind that you have helped your troubled mum in not having to face destitution. In many ways, you have been more of a patenting figure to her (burying her head in the sand: typical immature addict behaviour).

I'm sure I'm her way she is grateful, although addicts are inherently selfish and sometimes take all that is given to them without thinking to express proper thanks.that's pure conjecture from me though.

I'm sure it is frustrating when you think of yotr siblings abroad who did not lift a finger, and who appear to have more in life than you do.

Unfortunately none of this means that you have any right to your mum's money. What it does mean is you not having to deal with another "life crisis" of hers in the near future. Sadly this is the only crumb of comfort I can offer you right now. You sound like a strong, reliable, and resourceful woman. You have a house to live in for now. Try to accept that this is your home! Focus on the present and your children. We're so obessesd with property ownership in this country when with the situation as it is it is frankly impossible for so many. At least you have a job you enjoy and you earn enough. That's going to have to be enough for now x

Yes why don't you buy somewhere with your mum? Or you could have moved in with her to the house she's selling and taken a mortgage on that?

Alternatively if council housing is readily available where you are judging by your mum getting a place so quickly why don't you apply for one yourself? With cheaper council rents you may be able to save for a mortgage anyway. And if not you will have a more permanent home than renting privately.

Today 14:37 PugfatherVery grabby you cannot ask .But how can your mum get a council house with savings of 65k sounds bizarre

Because again social housing isn't linked to benefits. As much as people would like it to be

OP you can't ask her, you'll be well out of order.

I don't think, in good conscience, you could ever ask. And even if you did and she said yes, I think you might struggle to get a mortgage. It's not as simple as I spend X amount on rent and could therefore put X amount towards a mortgage.

My Dad paid the deposit on my house, I asked him. Although in those days that was £2.5k, so its all relative, house deposit nowadays is huge. However, I am in the position your mum is in, sort of, I am still married to DH, interest only mortgage, and lets say we retire together, we will need to sell the house by which time my DDs will be in their early 20s.

I had already planned all sorts of gifts to them; we'll walk away with roughly £250k equity maybe more, we might buy a place together if so it won't be enormous but still lucky to have that. So we might rent or whatever DH and I will have some money, even if we split it between us. BUT I have seen a financial adviser and starting looking at our long term situation and was horrified to find out that even if we gave gifts now, they might be taken into account as whats called "deprivation of assets" so that if we (or your DM) needs to go into a care home, finances will be assessed as if we (she) still had that money in the bank!!! apparently the local authority can even take the person who received the gift to court if they want!

So it might not be as simple as you just getting the money. But morally I don't see a problem with you asking her for a loan but seriously can you really afford to repay it? I am of the school that says you give you kids whatever they need whenever you can - I know that's not popular on here.

BTW is your mum in a retirement flat - is that how she managed to get local authority housing so quickly? Just wondered. I might want one myself soon!!

YABU and you would be putting your mother in an awkward position. I get that you're frustrated, I've been there myself and still do not own a home but I wouldn't dream of asking for a deposit. Honestly, drop a hint or two at a push but if she doesn't offer just leave it at that.

I think YABU. While it's great to own a house, borrowing a significant amount of money from your mother at this stage in her life could leave her quite vulnerable. You're only 31. I was in my late 30s before my husband and I could afford to buy a house. We would have liked to buy earlier but it simply wasn't possible, and I think that is not uncommon these days.